I've decided to spend new years alone. Not because I'm feeling 'woe is me', I'm not feeling like that at all. I just want to be alone. I'm going to spend the day at the beach, maybe down at Lorne and then drive back later on. I don't feel like being with people and everyone seems to be doing their own thing. I could go to a party but I don't feel like it. I want to be fresh on New Years Day, not having a hangover or feeling any other way. This is for me.

Next year is going to be for me. No more settling for second best or me not being first best in someone else's priority line. I put myself down too much and think that this is how it's meant to be. That I don't deserve any better so I just take what I can get. Bollocks to that.

I'd like to meet someone and fall in love. If it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. If it does, then shit!! I'll have to try and not run for the hills hahaha.

See you on the other side.

I thought I was meant to know things by now.....

I feel more confused than ever. A few days ago I felt like I knew for sure. Now? Not a clue. I could waive either way and not care about it, either way. Is this how it's meant to be? This lunar eclipse thing? I just don't know anymore. I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore, do I still care, don't I?, what do I want, what don't I want. I feel like it's changing and it won't sit still for me to go 'ah ha! there you are, I gotcha. Now I know and I'm holding on to you'. Nope. Not happening.

What am I doing with my life? Is it passing me by? Am I missing out. Should I be somewhere by now, instead of where I am. Am I wrong in not wanting children and marriage and all that grown up stuff? I don't see that as my life. To be honest, I don't see myself with anyone, ever again. That's not to say I don't want it, it's just that I don't "see" it when I think of my future. And it's not that I don't want to get married, I just don't see a day where that will ever happen to me. Being single and all. And honestly, it's not that I DO want that, I just want to know that someone loves me enough that they WOULD marry me, they don't actually have to. If that makes sense.

Why am I doing Law? What's it going to achieve. A lot of debt, a lot of time at home, and what for? I don't know. But if I don't try what's the point?

Why am I doing my photography? Why am I spending money I don't even have pursuing a hobby. I'll never get paid work. It's just a fanciful dream.

I don't like days like today.

Last night was really great. Sure I didn't get wasted, I didn't need to. I had a really great night out. I wish we could all catch up like that more often, like the old times. It was heaps of fun. I haven't laughed like that - when your tummy hurts so much - for a really long time. It's like we're all still the same but just older. And yeah, I think I will come visit.

Tired.

I had a really lovely Christmas. Probably the first one in years that i've actually enjoyed. Orphan's Christmas was great too. Sam put on a wonderful spread and was a fabulous host. I loved having Raider with me for the family xmas. He was so good and well behaved I was so proud of him. He and mum's dog got along just fine.

Went and saw Harry Potter today. The opening sequence was wow. I was watching it thinking 'wow, someone had the visual that that is how they wanted this scene to look and it looks fantastic'. I guess in a way I look at things differently now since doing my photography course. I find it hard to verbalise how I want my shoots and shots to look yet I know in my head how I want them to look. Anyway, the movie was great I really enjoyed it. It's dark, it's harrowing and it is fearful.

Tonight I'm just going to kick back and relax and watch some episodes of Boardwalk Empire.

I'm still confused. Do I, Don't I? I don't know. I need to do some things a bit differently from now on. Be more open and willing to experience new things. For the moment though I'm just going to concentrate on me and doing the things that I love and enjoy. I really want to get better with my photos. These holidays me thinks are going to be real busy with that. This week I think I'll take a drive up to Yarra Glen and just wander around and drive around. See what's there. Maybe also do a drive to Beechworth. I know it's a fair hike to get there but I want to explore some more too. See new places.

I listened to Me First and the Gimme Gimmes 'All Out of Love' today in the car over and over and over. It's such a fun song to sing even though it's a bit sad.

'I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you, I know you were right, believing for so long, I'm all out of love, what am I without you, i can't be too late to say that I was so wrong'.

So it is Christmas

Almost. Tomorrow.

I just realised that it's the second year in a row that I've received nothing from my father. Not even a card. Or maybe it's the third Christmas. I definitely did not get birthday card last year and I certainly did not receive one this year.

It's just weird.

I'm too scared of being rejected to call and find out if he's still alive.

Instead, I just pretend it doesn't exist. Until I remember again.

My excitement has somewhat waned. I was expecting to pick up a new lens today - a wide angle lens for landscape photography (and possibly band). I asked DHL to hold it at Tullamarine so I could collect it myself. They gave it to Australia Post at 7am this morning. It hasn't been delivered to me. *FUUUUUCCCCK*.

As part of my shipwreck Folio theme I was planning on shooting at Wreck Beach the anchor of the Marie Gabrielle and possibly the Fiji at sunset Sunday evening. You can only access the anchors on the beach at low tide, which coincided with the sunset/twilight this Sunday. Hence needing my lens today for Sunday's shoot. I'm utterly dependent on low tide and sunset meeting together around the same time. The next possibility is Sat or Sun 8/9 January - which I'll be on Phillip Island, and definitely not shooting on the Sunday night before starting work again on the Monday. Which means I'll need to re-check the tide times throughout January to see if they coincide with a sunset again. Grrrrr.

2 weeks off. I was one of the last people to leave today from support staff. At least I've mowed the lawn.

Looking forward to Christmas. Hound dog is coming too!! I didn't think it was fair he gets left at home while others get to enjoy Christmas with their pets. Hound dog is part of the family too. I think it's important to be thankful to still having people in your life and celebrating that even if we don't always get along all the time. I'm looking forward to orphan's xmas too.

Really sleepy. I smell like grass.

Stay safe and enjoy your time over the holidays. It's the little things that matter in life. Sometimes life can suck and throw things at you that make it tougher and harder but try and take one good out of each day and smile at that.
<3 Love <3

I am so addicted to Jim jones revue. Hot damn! I cannot get enough.

So tired. Train was late (really? That's unusual).

I woke up (extremely tired, I'd slept through the first alarm going off) thinking I knew for certain. All clear. With certainty.

Well, didn't you look damn fine this evening.

So much planned in my head these holidays are going to be busy - if I actually do all I plan to do. Or make it out of bed.

I'm going home to sleep next to you clinging like a leech cos I love to be real close. It would be even better if you were there.

Currently reading Schindler's List I've not seen the film although I have it recorded on my foxtel top box to watch once I've finised the book.

What I like about readng about real places in history is that I then want to visit the place it is set. That happened after reading the shadow of the wind. I wanted to go to Barcelona. I felt like it was almost part of me. Which it isn't but I felt that way. Going there in July I just adored the place.

23.30pm and there's still a fair amount of people on the train. Too many stops to go.


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Toned Down

I seemed to have eradicated the foulness that was my attitude yesterday although I still bore some of it today in fragments.

An incident occurred today which left me feeling rather denigrated, disrespected and worthless. Let me put it this way... if you make a mistake or fail to pass on information that is pertinent for me to do my job correctly how is it then my fault that I get something wrong when I wasn't aware of the information in the first place? Apparently I'm expected to just know things or assume things. And failing to take any responsibility whatsoever for it and turning it back on me... I was dumbfounded. I tried to do the right thing and say 'hey, next time can you let me know because I didn't know and I thought what you sent me was about x and wasn't aware it was about y because I didn't even know y existed'.... until a day later... after the fact... and I've given people wrong information based on x when it needed to be on y.

I picked up my newly 'won' trunk tonight. It's huge and truly gorgeous. I love it. I hope my photo shoot will do it justice because I'm thrilled with it.

I take back something I posted yesterday.

2 more days and then 2 weeks off.

The year has almost come to a close. Again. How it has gone so quickly. Do I want to reflect on this year? I don't know. Maybe.

I've learnt a lot.

I've grown stronger.

Sometimes I've gotten weaker but I know in those times of weakness it hasn't been me. Not entirely. An interloper set in feeding off my fears and weaknesses and insecurities.

I made the decision to study again. I can only take it one subject at a time. One semester at a time. I cannot look at it as six years. I look at it as a subject at a time.

I did the same stupid thing with a boy again but this time I didn't fall for them. I think at the time I thought I really really liked them, but what I liked was the company. To just hang out with someone and talk. I guess it's an ego thing when it dissolves and they aren't interested anymore. I learnt from that. It was a good experience even though at times I put myself through the ringer a bit.

What I learnt is that how can you know you like someone and want to spend time with them unless you get to know them more? A few hours once a month is not enough. I want the time to get to know someone. Having said that, I have to be interested first. That's my downfall. If I'm not physically attracted and intellectually attracted ..... I'm not interested. It takes A LOT for me to be physically attracted AND intellectually attracted to someone. I think that's why I've been single for so long. Sure there's lots of guys out there I can have great conversations with but..... same as there's.... actually no, there isn't a lot of guys who I'm attracted to when I'm out. A guy might be good looking sure, but it doesn't mean I'm attracted to them.

And when you meet someone who is both of these things (and more) to you and you want to spend time with them to get to know them more because you're pretty sure they are who you've been looking for all this time.... it really sucks when it's not reciprocated. Oh, let's just be friends. Oh I love being with you too, yes we have so much in common and it's great when we're together BUT. I wish that but would go away. I wish it would end with a ...... 'so let's hang out and take it slow and see what happens'. You never know, it could be the best thing you ever do. If it doesn't work out, at least we tried. I'd rather know what it's like to be with you than forever wonder what if?

Next year -

Sort out my job

Be happy

Save more money

Stop spending money

Spend time with my friends

Concentrate on ME

Work on my photography

Be diligent with Uni. It's probably very over ambitious of me to expect an A in anything. So I'm setting my sights low on a C. Anything over and above will be a bonus to avoid disappointment. Mind you I will secretly be hoping for a B.

Boys and Men can stay out of my life please. You are there at the start all promising and then it's 'see ya, I'm scared now'. So just leave me alone ok. I don't want it nor do I need it. I'm worth it and if you can't make the time nor the effort fuck off. (This doesn't apply to you, for which I will stupidly hold out for knowing it will never be).

Try and save for some sort of holiday for 2012. As a reward for 2011. If I fail any Uni subjects NO HOLIDAY FOR YOU!

I guess really just to be happy with the lot that I have. Yeah I piss and moan (mainly about my job) but I've got everything to be grateful for. I'm sick of hearing other people complain ALL THE TIME about this and that in their life. As one beautiful young woman said to me a few years ago when I was pining over G and lost love 'think about what you DO have in your life, not what you DON'T have'. I've always remembered that Christine. It's so true and I try and apply it to my life when I'm feeling down or thinking I've been hard done by or not gotten what I want.

Is it really that bad? No it isn't.

If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food on the table, water and electricity, someone to love, friends and family, you have everything in the world.

Try and remember that next time you feel down or when you feel like complaining about something. Is what it is you are complaining about really that bad? Does it override all the goodness in your life? Think about what it is you're complaining about and think to yourself, 'gee, if this is the WORST of it, I've really got nothing to complain about then do I?'

I definitely need to take some of my own advice that's for sure.

Love

I feel crap. I was a total arsehole today. I just wanted to scream 'I FUCKING QUIT!' and walk out. I've had enough and it's time to go. I despise myself when I'm like it. Complaining, whingeing, moaning. Ergh, it's so loathsome. Glaring at whoever dares ask me a question. Bemoaning in response that I am not someone's babysitter, I do not know their whereabouts.

I need to get financial again. I'm appalled at what I've spent on equipment - if I had that in my account it would be such a relief. I'm going to sell some stuff after xmas. That new lens I got - I'm selling it. I haven't even used it and I don't want to. I'm not ready for it yet. I can't afford it either.

Priorities. Stop being impatient. Wait. I don't have to have everything NOW for it to sit around for when I am ready to use it. I have to be smart about these things. No-one is going to take care of me but me. So time to smarten up and stop being a greedy little girl.

Tired.

Was going to see HP tonight but I'm tuckered. All that negative energy today has drained me.

I keep being drawn into those thoughts about you and I know it's a trick and I'm refusing to believe any of it. I know it's wrong to think what I think (want what I want) but I can't help it. Sometimes I want to scream out loud and yell to just tell me - what is it going to be? To stop the ongoing pull of my heart towards you. To make it stop, to make it end. I just want it to be and I don't understand why it can't be. If I could have one thing and one thing only it would be you.

BUDDY HOLLY & The CRICKETS - 'Maybe Baby' - 1958 78rpm

I grew up listening to 6:00 o'clock Rock every Saturday night. I still love listening to Buddy Holly.

Books I've Read in 2010

5* - Totally loved it, you must read this book
4* - Damned good
3.5* - Pretty good, really enjoyed
3* - Ok, enjoyed in parts, got something out of it
2* below - meh average, I read it, didn't overly enjoy

2010
A History of the First World War (part read, too heavy reading for train) (Heavy going)
Water for Elephants (3.5-4*)
New Moon (2*) (Did enjoy but started to have issues with book towards the end)
The Five People You Meet in Heavern - Mitch Albom 2*(lacking)
The Shadow of The Wind (5+*)
Snow Falling on Cedars (3* - took a while to get into but enjoyed it in the end)
Shantaram - started it, didn't finish it. I got bored.
The Wolf (5*)
Jasper Jones - 5*
The Night Watch - 3*
From Baghdad, With Love 5*
Wonders of a Godless World - 3*
A First Rate Tragedy - Race to the South Pole - 5*
True History of the Kelly Gang - 5*
Miracle at St Anna - I started reading this before I left it on the train never to be returned 3.5*
The Magician's Elephant - I think this is a kid's book but I liked it 3*
Schindler's List - Started 20/12/10

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/homeless-man-reunited-with-stolen-dog-20101220-192hr.html

I read this today and work and nearly shed a tear. I assume I will never know what it is like to be homeless. I live a very privileged life. I know that if I get into trouble my mother will always bail me out. I have never gone without. I have always slept with a roof above my head and been warm in winter and have always had access to fresh water to shower in and food to eat. I have never gone wanting.

I cannot even imagine what it would be like. Sometimes I wonder when I am cold what it would be like to be cold all night, all the next day and so on with nowhere to go. I then think to myself 'gee I'm glad I'm going home now where I'll be warm'.

This story, about a homeless man (a man two years younger than me) who had his dog stolen from him and was then reunited with his dog really touched me. The guy had been addicted to drugs but since having his dog he hasn't touched the drugs. The love of his dog transformed his life away from drugs.

How much do we really appreciate our pets? Raider has given me so much unconditional love I would be lost without him. His constant cuddles can sometimes by annoying but I wouldn't give them up. I have never received so much love from anyone but my dog. He's there for me when I'm happy, sad, crying, in a foul mood. He is my source of love.

It's raining. I love the rain. It makes me so happy listening to the rain. Today is great just because it's raining. I love days like these.

Such a lazy weekend. No lawn mowed, no house cleaned, nothing. I did however create a website, add more apps to my iphone and surprise myself by taking some pretty good shots Friday night at the Mushroom Giant gig. Mind you I saw some of Amped Photography's band photos and my heart fell to that dark place.... way better than my photos.

I'm looking forward to Orphan's xmas. It should be fun. I should also be looking forward to my family xmas - one day I won't have it.

Still haven't decided about New Years.

Currently watching All About Eve again. It's a fabulous movie. Bette Davis is in her prime in this film. I admire her talent.

Still hopeful. Stupidly.

No double action for me tonight. Been feeling nauseous at work all day. Went to photo exhibition - some really nice pieces of work, some not my taste. So many of the otways it's like seeing a mustang. Meh. Ate lots.

Headache. I seem to be getting really mild ones lately. ?????

Got home. Had 15 mins to myself. Then had another 15 before I had to leave. I pulled the pin. I then vomited. Alot. Shower.

Bed.


As an aside, if you got fat or piled on the weight I'd still think you're gorgeous and want you. Because you are still you.

Good night

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I cannot express how tired I am right now. Not as bad as I've been but I just want to collapse into a heap of sleepy dreams.

Too much on. Exhibition tonight and then gig. I don't think I'll be sticking around long at both.

Seriously need some me time. Thinking of cancelling my sat night (which is me going to a gig with me- I'm so popular!) and staying home.

14.52 and I'm struggling.

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I have one night off this week. It is tomorrow night. It will be spent doing a job application. Woo hoo! Work! Yeah those things take hours but I feel like I've been given a second chance at the application because I thought it was due Sunday or Monday night and I had missed it. It's a Research Assistant at the Coroner's Court. It would be great to get into and get those research skills I need AND it also deals with policy which in the long term is where I want to direct my working life.

Two days in a row I have given cashola to the homeless. In response I'd love my bag returned that I left on the train with all items still in said bag. I know it's not going to happen. What an effing idiot I was. Not thinking, half asleep. I KNOW that when I get a thought in my head I have to do it straight away otherwise I forget. Like putting my bag between my feet, not stuck under the aisle seats. Idiot! I thought I'd put a medical referral letter in the bag too, which is a bit detailed and not something I want a complete stranger looking at or posting around goodness knows where. I found it tonight at home. PHEW! That was a huge relief.

Christmas is next week. I was thinking on the weekend I should send my dad a Christmas card and question if he is still alive in it. Then I thought, hang on a minute, I sent him a birthday card and I got NO REPLY. I didn't even get a birthday card from him when it was MY BIRTHDAY two weeks later. Why do I need to chase this man? Keep waving myself in his face via a card? What's it going to do or achieve? It's what I do with men who aren't interested in me. Fuck on that. No more. It takes a lot to walk away. I'm sure that when he does die, or when I find out he's died or dead I may have regrets. Perhaps I'm being petty and selfish. Perhaps I'm just being honest with myself. I'm not going to put myself out there AGAIN for no response just so I can feel shit and say to myself 'see it just proves I'm right, he doesn't care'. Maybe he doesn't. Don't think about it, don't dwell on it. I have people in my life who care about me and show me that they do. Why do I want someone who doesn't.

After a foul first 4 hours today - that was me being utterly foul because I left my lunch bag on the train - I got a really awesome compliment on my photos. It was the best! Someone said they like my band photos better than another band photographer who has way more experience than me. Wow, that was so lovely and made me feel really good. Even put a smile on my face!

I'm learning that it's not just about taking a photo. You need to research your photographic subject (ie what it is you are taking a photo of, the theme) and get the posing and angles right. It's important to direct your subject and communicate with them. I'm so pleased with the way the photos turned out from yesterday's shoot but I have a long long way to go.

I've just discovered the Jim Jones Revue. OMG I couldn't stop tapping my leg on the train and drumming my fingers away to the music and moving my head around. They are awesome! I'm going to check out a tix for their sideshow.

So I think xmas is next week? Wow, how did that happen.

I'm so bored at work. There is so much filing it's ridiculous. I just don't want to do it. It's so ....... worthless.

No jobs that grab my eye at the moment. I'll keep looking but I kinda need to be in mine at least until I do my workshop in Qld. Blegh, do I really want to do this degree? Is it just to prove that I'm just as good as the loy-yers at work or wherever? I don't know. But I can't keep doing what I'm doing and I don't want to be a legal assistant anymore. I need to take a further step up.

I cancelled my PSC appointment today. As much as I'd love to learn photography properly I just won't have the time for it next year and it's almost the equivalent of my law degree. I need money behind me to support myself. Right now I've pretty much depleted it all - again. There's so many more things I need to get (ok, photoshop) and now I have to pay off the huge amount I've just spent on photographic equipment (eeep!). So I gotta be real diligent with the cashola.

I'm hoping to shoot J as a rock n roll outlaw. A friend in my photography class lives in the bush and in a church! I thought it would be a perfect setting. His guitar as his gunnysack - well ok, I'll probably have to have him have a gunny sack too as well as the guitar ...... must research !!!!! Very important to get the colours and the clothes and the surrounding and the posing/standing right for this.

So my stupid little head came up with this awesome idea that once I've done the photo shoots I'll have a mini exhibition (because I'M NOBODY HELLO!!!) and the prints on the wall and people can buy them if they like and I'll have music, and nibbles and drinks and yeah it'll be awesome! Maybe a collaboration with other friends and their work. I'm awesome for ideas!!

Have been feeling blah this weekend. Couldn't (wouldn't) get up. Today was better. I had my first ever photo shoot and I had really high expectations for myself (which is so silly because I'm a beginner). Sam was fabulous, she taught me a few things, I have no idea about positioning and posing but she was great. Dave did fabulously well too. The result of the photos I am so pleased with. They have come out really really great. I'm meant to have an appointment tomorrow at PSC but I'm going to cancel it. A) I can't afford it; B) I won't have the time for it; an C) I have to return the costumes tomorrow!

Spoke to L tonight. His nephew ain't doing so well. I really hope he pulls through and gets stronger everyday. I can't imagine what his family is going through right now. It must be so heart wrenching. Please get better lil' one.

I can feel it setting in. I can feel it now. Seeping in, slowly. I hate this time of year. Every year it's exactly the same. Miserable. Lonely. Alone. I hate it. This is the time where you spend it with those you love and care about. Yeah, my family don't really do that. It's just awkwardness more than anything. I envy those families who get together, as much as they hate it. I love going to my friends houses and hanging out with them and their families. Pretending like I belong there too. I'

Thinking about new years. I just don't want to think about it. I just want to stay home alone and go to asleep miserable. Alone.

I've never ever had a new years where someone has said they love me. Never. New Years with J was always a fight. My new years with G I fucked up because I thought something was going on with him and someone else. So that sucked. I just feel like it's going to be like this forever. I'm going to be perpetually single for all my days while all my friends be mushy with who they are with. Miserable. Sure, bury myself in my photography... because I'm doing that alone too.

Wah wha wha. Sook sook sook.

I do really enjoy hanging out with Dave and Sam. They are so funny together. D is so funny. I eat better at their house than I do at home. You should see my little tubby gut now! I have tubbiness it's awesome. Been feeling better but still slight tiredness and brain function is slightly alarming. I couldn't find the credit card machine that was right in front of my face at the Safeway do it yourself checkout. Literally I was looking everywhere for where I put my credit card in and I had to ask the girl where it was.... right in front of me. I thought to myself 'i've done this before... where is the slot for my card?'.... I couldn't even remember!! So embarrassing. I felt so stupid. But that's my meds for you and my fucked up brain function as a result.

2011. I know what I want but I only want it with you. Anyone else would have me running for the hills. No, no, no. Not interested. Go away. I don't know if I will ever break that wall down. For you I'm standing here with a mallet ready to break those fucking bricks. And what for? I'll be standing here for my eternity waiting while you meet and fall in love with someone else and live happily ever after.

(Hold on to your) Freedom

This whole Julian Assange thing really is a debacle. Any intelligent person can see through the alleged allegations against him and realise that the charges are completely politically motivated and motivated entirely by the US.

Seriously, who gives a shit about what has been leaked about what the US has said about other countries and diplomats. None of it is earth shattering, nor a surprise. For the US to come out and cry foul and demand the execution of Assange is more shocking than what has been leaked. What is screams of is a school yard spat where children have been outed slagging off so-called 'friends'. Ooops. And now the children are crying foul saying the information should never have been leaked because it's 'embarrassing' to them and the nations and diplomats they've slagged off. Ya think? It's about transparency. I'm not condoning these leaks but I'll join in defending what has been put out there.

For our PM to come out and publicly announce that Assange is a criminal (ok maybe she didn't say that, but she did say), that his actions are illegal is gross negligence on her part. Please Julia, being an ex-lawyer and all, what law exactly has Mr Assange broken? You're not too sure are you. That's because there is no Australian law that he has broken. Hardly illegal when there isn't a law in place to be broken for what he's done. Embarrassing. And now you're back footing on the issue and what you've said and toned it down. Pure arse kissing for the US and it doesn't help at all.

I can honestly say I've never liked Kevin Rudd. Sure I voted for the man in the second last Fed Election but I didn't vote FOR him, I voted against Howard. What I do like is Kev coming out and saying what is BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that everyone seems to have overlooked, including the US (can't see their nose to spite their face) is that Mr Assange has done nothing illegal and it's the people who (oh oh, here it comes..... the moment of truth) LEAKED the information in the first place... that is what needs to be looked at as an 'illegal act'. I applaud what he's said. The fact that he's come out and said he couldn't care less about what the US think of him is what it's all about. As if he wouldn't know that behind all the hand shakes and the (fake) smiles those people wouldn't be stabbing a knife in his back. Let's be serious here on that issue.

With respect to the alleged 'rape' allegations. They have been laughable from the moment they surfaced months ago. It's very cooincidental the allegations came to light just after Wikileaks made available thousands of documents relating to the war in Afghanistan. Now, after the cables have been released there is a 'warrant for his arrest' by Sweden for 'rape' allegations. What has been told in the papers is that the women did not want rape charges, they just wanted him tested for STD's because he had sex with them without a condom. So the actual women named in the allegations don't even want him charged. Given Sweden is a supposed 'neutral' country it seems very likely the US is pushing on Sweden for the arrest. The US has been embarrassed and they don't like it and now they are using their fire power to bring down one man via allegations and charges that are very soft in nature if you look at the actual facts of the matter.

How very bullish of the US government this all is. And they wonder why 9/11 happened. Wake up. The world hates you. You think you are the centre of the universe and the all empowering nation. You are not. Your so called 'war on terror' is an excuse to extinguish as many middle eastern men, women and children as you can as you see them as a threat to your country.

This is a new war. A war that you have created. The digital war. You seek to persecute one man for your own mis-doings and the world will respond in defiance and defence.

Free Julian Assange. He is a political prisoner.

I am in need of some serious alone time. I've been doing too much for the past month or so and I need time for me.

Thinking of doing two courses at the one time is just plain stupid. I'm tired now, how am I going to cope with two nights of class a week, pizza on Monday's and then have two nights for law plus the weekend. Um, social life? Break somewhere in between? There will be NO time for that. I just create all these fanciful dreams in my head. I can't afford to do two. I'll be scrimping every month. I've just bought a bit of equipment and have 5 months to pay it off before it incurs interest.

I didn't get home tonight until 23.15. I cooked up a bit of the lamb roast I made Sunday (hadn't had a chance to eat any of it yet) and was planning on watching ep 6 and the final episode of The Walking Dead but I need sleepy time.

I just need ME time at the moment. I haven't done my washing for now more than 2 weeks, I need to work outside, I need to clean my house, I need to just do things for me. But life keeps getting in the way. And I keep thinking about you and I need to stop. It won't ever be anything. Read the writing on the wall.

And where the fuck do these mozzies keep coming from? Every night in my room I have to kill at least 8. Minimum.

I'm so bored at work. Sooooo bored. I'm so unmotivated. It's so boring. Paper. I'm so fucking sick of paper. I just want a holiday.

All I keep thinking about is my photography. Although what sort of shoots I have in my mind and how I want them to look is how the professionals would shoot them. I don't even know how to use my new flash!!! Yep got the baby today along with my new reflector stand. I just need to buy a reflector now. Minor detail. I bought those two items on Wednesday and one came on Friday, the other one today. I'm still waiting on my bowler hat from China I bought 8 days ago..... where is my Charlie Chaplin hat mofo's.


I phoned up today about the PSC course. I have an appointment next Monday. It won't hurt to check it out. I keep thinking I'll be spending more money on my photography and will never earn a cent from it but I won't know unless I try and continue to practice. I was surprised how well my photos from the rod show turned out. I had a lot of trouble metering so looking at the results on my computer I have to say I'm rather pleased with them.

I had a really lovely time at the rod show and selling things is not that easy! I'm not very good in the display side of things and Sam had the tshirts looking great after my terrible pile of them. But I did enjoy the random hellos and talking to people, it gets me out of my shell a little bit and forces me to be the first person to say something to someone else. I always wait for someone else to say something to me first because I always think another person couldn't care less about what I have to say. Silly I know.

I met this guy who was showing his rod. It was more of a truck with a flat bed tray. Really beautiful. Anyway I just asked him if the tray could be lifted. We got talking and he had a serious motorbike accident 11 years ago. He was in a coma for 2 months, he lost the lower part of his right leg (I hadn't even noticed until he showed me), his left hand had to be re-attached! Really serious stuff. He's on painkillers every day. Amazing resilience. He loves building cars. I was really inspired that a guy who nearly lost his life and came so close to it, lost his wife, is in constant pain every day still has the focus to do something he loves. I moan that I don't have someone in my life every fortnight to do something with or just go to sleep next to when I have EVERYTHING ELSE and so much more than what my friends have. And here's a guy who just keeps on going.

I want to get really good with my photos. I want someone to look at my photos and be inspired as I look at professionals and go 'wow, I wish I could shoot like that'. A photo that tells a story. Mine don't tell stories. I'm not at that level yet but I want to be. My problem is I want it to be really soon, realising that all this takes years to accomplish. I even thought of repainting the back room all white to use as a mini studio.

Work sucks. I am so unmotivated to do anything. Sure I can do things like file mountains of paper or archive mountains of files. Wow, how challenging and mind blowing. Yawn. The quality of work sucks balls. I'd rather suck balls. Ones I like of course ;) Oh that's just wrong, seriously, get your mind out of the gutter. Gross.

Yeah, I keep going to bed and waking up wanting you next to me. It's so boring sleeping alone all the time. B.O.R.I.N.G.

I have all these things going through my mind but when it comes time to write them down I don't remember.

Still tired. Although I was shaking today whilst having lunch. My hands were shaking. Scouted out a location for photo shoots. I have so many ideas and I know how I want them to look but I need to be realistic. I'm still learning and I'm not a professional. Portrait photography is one of the hardest forms you can do. I spoke to another friend today about doing a shoot and they are keen. I'm excited about it. I just need to get good!

I feel like I'm going to be in this situation forever. I'm happy alone but it's getting a bit tedious. I just wish you would allow yourself to take a chance on me. I just want to see if what I think I feel for you is real, or whether it's something I've made up in my head. I wake up in the morning and I want you next to me, to feel your soft warm skin against mine. To snuggle into the crook of your arm and put my arm over your chest and go back to sleep. I want that so much.

Meh, whatever. It'll never be.

Early morning start tomorrow, not looking forward to it but it's helping out a friend and that is important.

I'm loving my Ned Kelly book. Although I know what happens I'm still holding out that he'll win and survive. Seems like the coppers are right royal bastards out to get him no matter what.

The next few weeks are going to be busy. I keep saying to myself that I'm going to tone down my social commitments but geez things keep popping up. Bloody friends and their gigs! Joking, it's great practice for me and my camera.

No idea what I'm doing for new years. Staying at home on my own at this point. I hate new years and I hate committing myself too early. Sounds horrible I know. I know who I want to spend it with but that's not an option. That's just fairy tale bullshit and it's not reality. Being around couples (no offense) doesn't really appeal to me. Guess that means I'll be alone seeing as my friends are all hooked up. *thumbs up*

Sitting at my desk today I was out of breath. Seriously. Trying to suck in as much air as I could. I remember times where I would take one breath every 1.5 breaths of another person. This whole thing is scaring me. I cannot be THIS tired just because of my meds. It's not right. I don't feel any better. I'm exhausted by 3pm.

I have so much on this weekend and I don't even know how I'm going to make it through.

I'm so tired and won't have the energy to write as much as I want so here's a few things from today:

Rose

Gabba Gabba Heyes - Chiccckkkkkeeeen!! I love it when you call and say that.

Being responsible for once and not impulsive. Well.... sort of.

Going to the last session of the Book Series - the topic today was crime writing. I'm not really into it I have to say. I was a huge true crime teenager - you know serial killers and all that jazz. Couldn't get enough of that shit. I wanted to grow up and be an FBI agent and hunt down serial killers. No shit. I had plans to do a Masters in Criminology. Went to Uni and realised it was a crock of shit. Ended up working in a law firm instead. Ha! Anyway I really enjoyed today's session and I'm glad that K-A called me to see if I was going, I said yeah I'd go. (So easily led!).

LOVING MY BOOK! No seriously, I don't want to stop reading it. The True History of the Kelly Gang. Makes me want to learn more about Ned Kelly. And do a day trip around the place(s) and take photos.

More photoshoot ideas.

I wake up and want you to be next to me.

So, you wanna be a model?

I have been thinking of all these great photo shoot ideas!

Marie Antoinette - let them eat cake!

50's housewife - Samantha and her kitchen!

Strongman from the circus (ok, this is Samantha's idea for Dave but when she mentioned it I looked up photos on the net and got some great ideas)

The one with the chair and the mansion and the lovely Nadyne!

I now need to learn portrait photography and get lights! Minor detail.

But looking forward to experimenting and trying things out anyway.

Closure

My tiredness is starting to seriously get out of hand. How is it that I wake up on a Sunday so tired? That I have a shower and I'm out of breath just having a shower from the heat of it? I feel like I haven't slept for a day. That if I just have a couple of hours I'll feel all better. If I have a couple of hours it will turn into 7 hours. No shit. That is how tired I am. It's starting to worry me. I'm scared it's going to get so low that my heart is going to start to malfunction. And THAT is a real risk. Heart failure is one of the risks I have with my medication - or the lack of enough of it. It's not that I'm not taking my medication - I am - my problem is getting the amount of medication right. At the moment it's not right. And it's scaring me. To feel like this.

Roller Derby was great. Although I didn't contribute as much as I should have at the stall. I went off with my camera, ran into friends and spent time talking with them instead. I suck. But we did well at the stall and it was really cool to be a VIP for a day and have our cute as name tags hanging around our necks.

The best part was finally having closure. I'm not sure I can describe in words what I mean. It's certainly not that I think I should still be with G, because I don't think that. I think I just regret how I was when I was with him and realise how fucking stupid I was to doubt it (myself really). I can see that now, after all these years. But getting to meet his new girl was the best thing I could do and I feel so much better for it. Now there should be no issue on his friends part to hide the fact he has a girlfriend because I've now met her. And she seems so lovely and I'm really happy for them. He's a great guy, he always has been, he always will be. And hopefully we'll always be mates, even if it's just a random run in at an event when we see each other. That's the best I could ask for. Closure.

Twice in the past week I have had occasion where I was standing on the train platform, earplugs in both ears and my face buried in reading material only to have a work colleague shove their face in mine and interrupt me for chats - and then for me to have to sit with them on the train and talk to them.

Is it wrong to be slightly annoyed at this? Is it more polite for someone to just say hi and keep walking and leave the other person to their own private time, which clearly they are enjoying?

I think I'm just a bitch sometimes.

Being alone all this time.... the longer it goes on the worse I will be for it.

******************************

I just want to sleep in your arms. Comfort is what I need right now.

I have two separate ideas for photo shoots. They are probably both way out of my league but hey, it's worth a shot. I might try one myself, it will be hard but I can only try. If I need a model I guess I can ask my friends to model for me. The other one I will definitely need a model.

I want to curl up in your safe, warm arms and go to sleep listening to the rain.

Selfish

I've been anxiously awaiting to hear. I've been constantly checking my phone. Oh there I am again checking my gmail.

Tonight I finally caught up with R. We haven't seen each other for MONTHS! Which is very unusual seeing as before we went o/s we felt lost if we hadn't seen each other in 2 weeks. She hadn't even seen my arm it had been that long. So we're chatting away at the Carlton and she asks if I've heard.... no, I haven't. I feel my phone vibrating... it keeps vibrating... a call? Blocked. Oooh this could be good.

Unfortunately no. I came second. SECOND! Usually I would be happy with a second, it's not quite first but better than third. Not this time. I missed out. And not because of me per se, but because of my experience. The one thing I don't have a lot of and that is DISCOVERY. Why? Because I'm not a lawyer. That is something that lawyers usually do. I haven't had much exposure to it. I wasn't even offered any constructive criticism because there wasn't any to give. It was just the other person had more experience in discovery than I.

R was talking to me and all I could think was 'don't cry, you don't have anything to cry about' and trying to pick up what R was saying because my mind was elsewhere.

Coming home I had to not cry at Parliament. I had to not cry walking to my car.

I called my mum and told her. As I was talking to her, trying not to cry I turned on my computer and clicked my 'Bookmarks'. I went to The Age.

The first thing I saw was 'ALL 29 LOST'.

FUCK.

That really made me want to cry.

I said to her that I really do have a lot and I've just seen, those miners all died. All of them. And here I am complaining about not getting a job. They've lost their lives. I felt so selfish.

I have EVERYTHING. A house, a car, a job, reasonable health, a dog, wonderful friends. Money really is not an issue. It's not ideal where my finances are at the moment and I'm not pleased with where they are but I know I will never be poor or struggle financially. And that is a HUGE thing and something that a lot of people, including some of my friends, struggle for daily. And here I am complaining. Woe is me. Oh how it is so unfair. Spoilt fucking girl. Oh I can't choose between them so I'll take them both. Excuse me?

So I didn't get the job. I'm alive. 29 men are not. Their families and friends and loved ones are grieving and in so much pain right now they don't even know how to process that pain. Their days will be dark for some time. They have lost. I haven't lost anything. Just a hope. An expectation that a new job will make a part of my life better.

And you know what else I thought tonight. That because I haven't got the job (something I wanted) does this mean that the other thing I really want, that I'll get it now because I didn't get the job? You can't have everything. One aspect of your life has to be shit in order to have all the other things you want. You have to sacrifice one thing in order to have something else you want.

Selfish. Still wanting.

I'll be ok. I'm alive.

I'm so terribly sorry and saddened that this has happened to you and you lost your life. I can only hope that you didn't suffer, that at the moment of death it was quick and painless. It is truly horrible what has happened to you.

This also goes out to the young man David who died on his 17th birthday. It is incomprehensible what happened to you. I knew as soon as I read about it in the paper that you knew your killers. I don't understand it, I just hope you are in a safe place now.

And where the ocean meets the horizon, where does she go from there?

I wondered this on the weekend, looking out from my balcony facing the fierce wild ocean. I could see the water as far as the horizon, and then what? Where does it go? Does it just go on forever after that?

Unfortunately I get travel sick, and therefore sea sick. I'm a water baby though. I love it. Being in it that is. Drinking the stuff, nope. Stomach can't handle too much of it in one go and it invariably comes back up again.

I would love to know what it's like to sail the oceans. To feel that sea breeze against my skin, to hear the waves lapping at the bottom of a ship, to see the ocean all around and only the ocean. What magnificent sunsets would I behold and to see the moon, full, against a blackened but shining ocean. Would it feel like being free? Truly free?

What's it like being in the middle of the ocean with nothing around you but the ocean? Is it scary? Is it comforting? Is it beautiful? Does it make one panic? Or is it soothing? Does it feel like home? What creatures lie beneath the vast volumes of water below? Do I believe in sea monsters? Yes I do. Who knows what lies beneath, over thousands and millions of years? Those sea stories you hear of giant octopus taking down ships.... sure. Why not?

The last few days have been awful. Brought to you by the letter D.

I slept all of Saturday I was so tired. I managed to go to class on Saturday, got home around 2.30pm and went straight to bed. So tired. I thought 2 hours would be good. Yeah, the alarm went off at 4.30pm and I drifted... until 7.30pm. Thinking I'd get up in a few minutes.... I woke thinking it was around 9pm and I WOULD get up.... it was 4.51AM.

Yesterday was just awful. Like when you think it's never going to end and it's always going to be like this. If I could just go to sleep and not wake up. Really, really horrible.

And then the phone call. My levels have dropped rather drastically. 3 months ago they were at 10. They're now at 30. The higher the number the worse it is for me.

I cried so much. I just can't cope with it. Up and down for 2 years. Fixing doses is not helping. It's not working.

Whatever.

Sleeping so much - right now I just want to go to bed. Something is not right.

Still so tired. Sleeping so much more these days. I don't like it. It scares me.

Soup.... just a simple thing such as soup. I was so looking forward to it.

Hungry.

Face hurts. Bruised. Swelling subsiding but jaw movements restricted.

Don't want to go back tomorrow. Not in the mood.

Whatever you do, please don't run. Not this time.

I seem to start my days later when I don't have to get up. I'm not sure if this is a good thing? But usually it's after 12pm noon I get up. The morning just doesn't feel right... like what am I supposed to do at 10am? Weed, mow the lawn... hmmmm yes I think I should, but I just can't.

I did manage to watch The Walking Dead today. Loved it. All sorts of goodness. All sorts of scary goodness! I love post apocalyptic stories - whether they be zombie stories or those of good v evil. Like The Stand, The Dark Tower series. Still yet to read The Dome by Stephen King but very looking forward to it. I always wonder if I would survive or be one that would give up, lose my strength. I like to think that I'd be a survivor but I'm not so sure.

I've been getting some good feedback on my photos which is really great. It means a lot and by no means am I craving positive feedback. Any critique or criticism is welcome too. How else am I going to learn? I've met a few photographers over the last few weeks and just getting feedback and tips off them is fantastic as well as learning how they go about their photography as well. I just want to be the best that I can be. Maybe get published? Even if it's on a website for band photos. I need to get photoshop though so I can put my name on my photos. It's really awesome having my friends use my photos for their profile pics and adding them to their band sites but If my name isn't next to the photo or on it, no-one will know it's my image. That's all part of the learning process I guess.

Wishes you were here to stay with me until I fall asleep.

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I'm better equipped this time.

But it still hurts.

I don't understand why it can't be.

I wish that whatever it is that is in the way would just FUCK OFF.

On a more positive note I've been getting some good feedback on my photos. Although I compare my photos to other photographers and think I am still so amateur.

I wish I could fall asleep in your arms and time would stop still so I'd never have to wake up and go back to reality.

Through all the hurt and the pain and the badness there always come light.

I believe that in order to find happiness one must suffer first. I know that sounds very dramatic and melancholy but it's just what I believe. How can you know what is good and what makes you smile and glow inside if you haven't experienced the darkness.

I have learnt so much this year. I'm so grateful for it. It's forever an ongoing journey, one that will only end when I die. It's a journey I want to be on for a really really long time, with those in my life who mean the world to me.

This morning just proved it.

Thank you. I want honesty, even if it hurts sometimes. Now, it's better.

I have such a long long way to go with my photography. It's so amateur and because I'm still a bit confused about what I'm doing I'm lacking in confidence, but I still give it a go. And that's what I learnt today - confidence is very important.

Dinner with Sam and Dave was great. Awesome sea stories too!

Hayfever is coming by regularly for a visit. Please visit someone else. Or just go away and leave us all alone.

............. yeah, still.

Stuff from today:

Rose

I took my new lens out for a crack today and tried to figure out if I've learnt anything these past 4 weeks. Some things I tried worked, some things didn't. Walking down the back steps of Fed Square there were 10 photographers snapping away with mega huge lenses (drool) and some guy saying 'i don't want to see any overexposure' (Oh I hear you there!) and then some model posing while the click of camera shutters were pressed feverishly.

So I hovered at the back with my lil 50mm lens attached to my camera body. Fuck it, I metered off a green sign, got my compensation sorted for my shutter and snap! took a photo myself. The teacher had looked at me whilst I was looking and sort of smiled.... after I took my photo I slowly sauntered off and heard someone commenting on me joining the group but not belonging to the group. Thanks!

S goes off on his trip tomorrow AM. I just spoke to him. I'm about to head to bed and too tired to see him. I suck I know. I did call. That is something.

Nearly finished my book. I want to read out the arctic expedition next.

Being at home with my dog for the first night this week.

______ ______ ______ *************** _________ _______

Deja vu

Nervous, Scared, Apprehensive, did I mention Scared?, Excited..... last minute wanting to just cancel.

Letting myself go, free of all thoughts, hopes, expectations. Open heart.

Awesome night. Talking for hours, laughing, sharing. just being. Really, really, great. Didn't want it to end. Why can't I stop time. Just to savour those moments longer.

Have I mentioned lately how much I dislike my job. Another fucking form. Sure, let's waste my time by double handling. Let's re-scan the same 11 documents I've just scanned because we've amended TWO OF THEM. Gee, how about I just re-scan the TWO that need re-scanning. How's that for time management, effectiveness and efficiency. Fucking brilliant I think.

Accepted my offer, signed up for my three subjects, signed up for my workshop.

Now to work out flights and accommodation. It's going to cost at least $600 for a 4 day study workshop. Yay. I think 2011 will be the year of the BROKE.

Kinda looking forward to next week. To just not be at work. Despite all the pain I'll be in, eh minor detail. I'm tough. I can deal with it.

I've been accepted into my first choice of Uni for LLB. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm shitting myself! I'm scared most of all. That I'll fail and won't be able to grasp any of the language.

Got an awful infection on my little finger. I've picked at every single 'blister' bubble and it looks like little black spider eyes all over my finger which is now so red raw. Maybe my attacking of the pus and subsequent Detol will actually make it better? Meh

Scared.

Sent off another app.

Sleepy

Great weekend.

Concrete Blonde Friday night. Damn Johnette can sing. Like hot molten liquid slowly flowing down your throat, silken smooth. Got to catch up with some friends I went to uni with which was awesome. It's been so long but our passion for music still keeps bringing us together.

Saturday night out was awesome. I had such a great time. Got all dressed up and had some dances. Good talking with good friends and just fun and frivolity. It was well needed. I can't wait to see the photos.

Just when I thought today was the first day of non-pain and feeling almost 'normal' it's now 9.46pm and the throbbing is back. It's not as severe as it has been but.... somehow I managed to lose a sheet of Mersyndol from my bag last night. It was the last I had and I should have just taken 2 tablets with me but I took the whole sheet. Needless to say when I got home I only had my Nurofen plus in my bag... and not the Mersyndol. So I'm feeling it again. Although it is a lot better.

Blair is coming down from Sydney in two weeks. I think Chris will be in LA and I get my teeth out on the 3rd.... I still want to catch up with B even if I've got a puffy face and I'm in pain. If I can speak then I'll be there. It's been forever!!! I'm pretty sure the last time I saw them was on my birthday and it was after J and I split up.... so maybe 5 years? We all had dinner at Penang Affair on Brunswick St and went to DVD and danced and danced. I remember we danced to Somebody told me by the Killers...

I'm very open to the possibility of new beginnings. I think I'm ready.

If only you could have been there to experience it too.

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Pain pain go away don't ever come again.

I think I may need an extraction. It is so painful! I had to take drugs at 4.45am this morning because I don't think I'd slept. I don't usually take pain killers. Usually I just put up with the pain, but I've been on Nurofen all day. It's hurting again. I can barely open my mouth, swallowing is so painful. M was laughing at me at pizza trying all these different ways of trying to shove small pieces of pizza in my gob.

W = BORING. Oh another form to complete. Yawn.

I haven't done very well this week on my assignment. I failed miserably today in what I was trying to achieve. But I don't really know what I'm doing anyway so...... I cracked the shits. What I'm producing is just utter shit. It's not good enough and I should be doing better. It's harder than I thought.

My outfit I tried to create for the weekend - epic fail. Looks ridiculous. Blegh.

Bed. Time. Now. 10.28pm. Clock slightly fast.

I've been in pain for 2 days straight. I have a wisdom tooth trying to break through on the left side of the mouth, right at the back. It fucking kills. I can barely open my mouth wider than 1cm to eat, swallowing is painful and it's a constant ongoing pain. I'm hoping it will pass and it's not serious enough that I need surgery to rip the fucker out. My left gland in my throat is swollen too.

I've tried to work on my outfit for next week. Hopefully it won't look ridiculous.

Friday was awesome. Parachute men all over the house, great friends, good times, laughing. Too bad not everyone could make it but we had a great crew.

Looking forward to next Saturday and the 30th.

I love you hound dog. You are the best.

Still sooo tired. Can't get up in the morning. By home time I'm just yawning and feeling so drained.

I recycled a picture frame from my bathroom wall. I turned the picture over, put black paper over the backing and fixed my mini paintings I got in Rome to the black paper and voila! new artwork for the bathroom.

So grumpy today. But then seemed to get a proper thanks when I left. ????

Really liking my new book - Wonders of a Godless World.

Looking forward to Friday - hopefully everything will come together nicely.

Movida Saturday!!

And I'm thinking Sunday I'll keep to me. Fuel Mag launch but I just wanna hang home.

I keep looking at holidays which a) I can't afford and b) don't have any leave to take anyway

There's an awesome trip through Patagonia but it's new and may not take off. After xmas holidays I'll be back to no leave again. As it is I only have 1 day owing to me and I've already booked in 5 hours of it.

Do I really really really???? In all honesty, YES.

Happy

There is never enough time in the day to devote to one's friends.

I seriously dislike my job.

I really like some of the people I work with and have developed better working relationships with some people lately. Which is really cool.

I feel like I should be making a decision about something in particular, but I really don't know. I'm keeping my options (not that I have any) open.

I really hope my photos don't suck tomorrow night. They aren't great. I want to do well.

I have something to apply for.

I'm watching Luke (When Will I, Will I Be Famous) Goss in some new sci-fi show.

I'm loving reading 'From Baghdad, With Love' but some parts of it are so full on I have to stop reading. I simply cannot imagine how a human being can live through what people over there are living through - on all sides. How do you stay sane after witnessing those atrocities?

I was doing good today until I fucked up, again. When will I ever learn.

Tonight I just want you to be here to hold me.

That is all.

No words

Nothing else.

Just hold me.

Impressions

One of our clients specifically asked to meet me today when they attended our office for a morning presentation. I was a bit taken aback that they even knew who I was or my name. I thought that was lovely.

A co-worker was so lovely in thanking me for my help over the last couple of weeks while she was in our group for the last couple of weeks.

I guess I don't ever think I make an impression. I'm just me and I just do what I do. I don't think that anyone really pays attention or cares, or that I make an impression. It's not having tickets on oneself saying this, it just opens my eyes more.

Nick Cave & Shane MacGowan - Lucy (live)

One, two, three.

One. Still.

Stupid.

Really need to do a photography course. I've found one (there are heaps that all seem fine) that starts really soon but it's majorly expensive. I should wait until February for new enrollments but Uni will start around then and I can't do two courses at the one time. One will suffer for the sake of the other.

So I'm thinking of biting the bullet now, being in debt, and doing the photography course now while I have the time. Just not the money.

How can one small thing bring it all back? Like there has been no gulf of time in between. Does it mean anything or is it just some random circumstantial thing that happens over and over and over again that leads to nowhere? Time to find out.

I can't upload YouTube from my phone. MF

My song for today is the Stones and 'Miss You' because it's awesome and I love it.

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I have a suspicion about something but I could be completely wrong and I'm dearly hoping to be wrong.

There's just one thing I need to do. Not yet. But shortly. For once and for all.

I'm not going to go through life not knowing.

And so it goes.... around..... around.... around

Merry go round and round

I thought I knew

Now I know

Don't stop believing

All it does is create an expectation that cannot be met.

So I found out today that what I had been hoping for and holding out for is not available. I was offered a substitute, I declined.

So back to square one. Back to feeling like I'll never get out if where I am.

Two down.

And is it what I really want? Probably not. I just know I can do it and do it well. But I was using it as an escape. It's not really where I want to be or what I want to do.

One of my work colleagues told e they are leaving to go to the bar next year. All the friendhips i've made are disappearing with people leaving. Blegh. When will it be my time to start a new journey?


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So tell me why?

Why is it that something that feels so right seems to feel wrong. No matter how good it feels at the time, how right it feels, when the daylight comes the illusion is broken and nothing but stark reality remains.

I'm really missing my mum. I booked a lunch at Movida today for her and me when she gets back. At Hosier Lane too which I've not been to yet. Aqui does not do lunches. Shame cos it rocks. She'll crack it saying a) it's a waste of money; and b) it's too fancy for her. Yeah sure. Just wait till she tastes those scallops with jamon, the beef cheek and two other dishes we'll have. Mmmmmm

I went to an Intrepid info night this evening. The topic was volunteer travel. I'd like to do something like that. Give something back. But I think I'd like to do a wildlife one the most. The lions would be amazing and I'd also like to do one with the monkeys and there's one in Argentina where you nurse back to health injured wildlife. Obviously I need to work out when (or if) Holidays at Uni are to fit in a trip. I'd only be able to do 2 weeks too most likely.

Haven't been thinking about Saturday a lot. I'll be nervous as all hell on the day but for now it's kind of out of my mind. I'm hoping to catch the parade tomorrow. I had someone giving me shit at work today. I gave it straight back and was then accused of being 'fired up'. Pffft. Don't give me shit if you can't take me giving you shit back.

I love my dog. He's super awesome.

I aint missing you at all, since you've been gone

I miss my mum. This is the longest we've ever gone not speaking to each other. Don't know how I'll cope when she really is gone for good. I hope she's enjoying her travels and being open minded about her new experiences.

Saturday still doesn't feel real.

I'm intrigued by Dreams.

I'm so tired. I still feel slightly vomitous.

9.02pm and it's way past my bed time. Will get results by end of this week. I already know my increased dose is too low.

I have to wait until mid to late October for my SCU results. I'm accepted into UNE but I want SCU. Their subjects are way cooler and more interesting and I think I could do better at SCU.

It's going to be hard.

Please sir, I want some more

Sunday's are my relaxation days. I don't like to do too much that way the day seems to go for longer before I have to go to sleep and get up for work in the morning.

So on my Sunday's I like to spend a bit of time cooking food. It's usually the only day of the week that I'm a surety to eat dinner, aside from Monday's pizza.

I've 'discovered' a fabulous new salad that is so simple. It's a Spanish salad and all it is is tomato, parsley, red onion and roasted capsicum with a dressing of olive oil, red wine vinegar and salt&pepper. Soooo good, so fresh. I've added my own ingredient of bocconcini to it for extra taste and texture.

I also made a vegetarian torte - an Italian recipe for lunch this week.

Last night was awesome. I'm too tired to go into the whole thing but after not really feeling up to going and just wanting to stay home I told myself that I couldn't let my friends down and especially after Sam and Nadyne had put my name on the door list, so just get ready and go.

I had the best time. Keren is here for a visit from London and it was so great to see her. Fingers crossed she can make pizza. The boys were there too, all of them. I haven't seen them for a few years maybe so it was really cool to see them again. It made my night. It made me think a lot also. I'm happy where I am. I'm where I'm going. And I'm happy being on my own. I don't know that I'll ever be able to be with anyone. Again. When i think about it, I don't want constant. I don't want it to be always. It freaks me out too much.

Or maybe I just need to sort out those fears. I think it just scares me too much. So I run away from it before it's even there. I set up the wall, before anyone can even try and break it down and hurt me.

So tired

I've had such a good week. I haven't had a week like this since, well I can't recall.

Monday dinner with Sam was just awesome, I really enjoyed it and having that one on one girl time was really great. I get a lot of strength from Sam, she is my strength. All my girls give me something amazing from themselves that I'm sure they don't even realise and I'm so grateful to them for giving a piece of themselves to me. It makes me learn and grow within myself.

Monday night chatting to Nica before sleepy time was really great too. She understands a lot of things and even if I'm being stupid about things she still supports me and she'll just tell me I'm being stupid which is what I want.

Drinks and dinner with Rach on Wednesday night. I felt like I'd been neglecting her. So it was great to catch up and laugh silly over some things.

Lunch with Gabby on Thursday was a surprise. I had training but I cancelled it. Hello, my friends are way more important to me. She knows what I'm going through and can see a difference in me. I miss her not being at work but I love it when she calls. I answer the phone and then all I hear is 'chickkkeeeennn!' and I laugh silly. So that made my day.

Hearing from Blair too was really cool. I must reply! Ah the old days. Of me and the boys and gigs every week. Me, just one of the boys. Those were great times. What happened? We all grew up. But it's nice some of us are still in touch.

Footy last night was.... I haven't even digested it yet. It was unreal. I'm so tired today. I expelled so much energy at the game. I'm surprised I haven't lost my voice. It was so much fun. It was great to be there celebrating with my friends. Wow. We've made another Grand Final. I feel pretty good about it but you never know on the day. I'm going to enjoy this week and soak it up and fingers crossed I'll be celebrating next Saturday night.

And then it all comes crashing down

Why does this happen? I had an awesome night last night. Despite feeling rotten and not wanting to go anywhere I went to the gig. I didn't want to let anyone down not that they would have missed me if I wasn't there anyway. I had a great night. For the most part I never know what to say to people so I'm always quiet. And sometimes my brain is just 'on' and I'm on fire. So last night was an 'on' night. Loved the bands, really enjoyed myself. Chatted to some new people and all of a sudden the back was closing and we had to move to front bar. But where were my friends. Fuckers had bailed on me and didn't even say goodbye or look for me to say goodbye! How rude! I thought it was funny that for once I was last to leave.

But today being here it all has gone downhill. And now it's that mood of hollowness and hopelessness that it will forever be like this with no chance of change or escape.

I should be grateful for everything I do have. And I am. But it's like a switch in my head that just flicks automatically and bang! I plummet to lowness


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Happy hump(dy dumpty) day

So I was going to post all this Boooorrrrriiinngg stuff and when I got on the train I realised it was all just shit. A whole stack of young kids (ie 15/16 year olds) got on the train at Jolimont. Loud little critters. Closer to my station a bunch of them sat in the seats with me. One girl was such a cute lil thing, I randomly mixed with the kids, giving one of them my read Mx and telling them about the Mx (they thought people bought them and then left them on the train after they'd read them), and that the cute lil girl shouldn't listen to the others giving her shit about Collingwood. Go Pies!. I got off the train and I could hear the 3 remaining ones say 'she was really nice'... I just laughed to myself. But it was nice.

Drinks and dinner with Rach was great. I've been feeling really neglectful of her and I'm best at doing catch ups after work when it's not planned. That way I'm more into it - in my mind - than planned when I'm tired and just want to go home. So it was ace. Wonton Mee at Nudel Bar is soooo delicious. Those noodles... mmmmmmm yummy's.

So my experiment.... the bunsen burner is burning, a slow burn. We'll see if it actually cooks or ignites anything. Really, it's just a bit of fun.

So frigging broke and I've just been paid. So it'll be another month of no money.

Anxiously waiting to hear from Southern Cross if I get into Uni. One of my friends at work wants me to get into UNE because he thinks it's a better Uni, which I'm sure it is. I reckon SC is like the Broadmeadows equivalent of Uni but they have the best subjects!

I made a proposition today to a work colleague about the possibility of me working for them. They loved my idea. So I'll float it tomorrow with the 'powers that be' and throw it in the mix and see what happens. I know I can do a really good job and I'd like the opportunity to do it.

So really good week so far. Really hoping M, C & K can come Saturday night too. I haven't hung out with them in this sort of setting for a while and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm getting out my gorgeous red wineish coloured Swing dress for the occasion. Maybe my stole and long black silk gloves for my arms. Sexy! The outfit, not me lol.

I've just realised I've eaten all of my sicilian olives. I had about 20 in one go last night. Addiction is never a good thing. I think I could get addicted to things really easy, so I just stay away from things so it doesn't happen. That's the truth too. If I was given free reign..... yeah, it's good that I'm not.

What to say...

Work is going well, I seem happier, makes me wonder whether I want to leave. But it's the people making it better. That's all. I also find it quite odd, intriguing and even sad that someone I don't really know that much can have so much of an effect on me. A good one. Just seeing their smiling face every odd day makes me happy. Stupid. Really stupid.

I'm watching Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist... I really like it. Soppy romantic shite. I'd like someone to just hold my hand. Haha.

Friends = awesome. Dinner with Sam last night was really cool. Hearing from BK after forever made me happy too. The days of the boys and me. Gigs every week. Nica's call last night was ace. Right when I was brushing my teeth in my pj's. *Love to that*

Looking forward to Saturday but kind of apprehensive. I'm going to feel like an interloper. Like a pretender being somewhere I shouldn't be, or trying to fit in with the cool kids. I don't know why. Me being stupid I guess. I wish you could come with me, it would be so much fun!

The more I read of Night Watch the more I'm enjoying it.

Lying the sun today at lunch, I just wanted to drift away into my fantasy land and sleep. So warm.

So disappointed

I'm still sick. One week later. I feel worse today than I did a week ago.

I'm so disappointed. I was so looking forward to tonight. I've been looking forward to it for months actually. Even when I was overseas I had tonight in my calendar. And if I go, I'll be a wet blanket with no energy and no fun and will just make myself more worse. I hate it. I really wanted to see my friends. And see them play.

I made some roasted potatoes with roasted garlic (mmmmmmm yummy) with goats cheese and quince paste mixed in.

I've watched 2 episodes of Spirited, Claudia Karvan's new show on W on Fox. I think it's my new favourite show. It's funny and it's beautiful, watching these two characters who are just opposites get to know each other, really get to know each other and come together. I wish I had the opportunity to do that. That's what I want. If you have the time. Which you don't. It'll probably take a couple of years instead.

I want to make a quilt for Sam. So this weekend I'm going to find a pattern and add some personal touches and try to start cutting the fabrics at least.

I wish I could spend the whole week at home in my pajamas, eating food, drinking wine and just being creative. Read, watch interesting and rewarding programs and make creative things. Hang with my dog. I pulled out Buckley's old bed and put an old doona on it and he's been sitting and sleeping on it today. That makes me happy. I miss Buckley. He was such a good dog.

and then it all comes crashing down

Despite still being sick and not really feeling up to I made my way to the John Curtin last night. I had a ball! By nature I'm an introverted person. Half the time I never know what to say to people, I never really learned the art of conversation. But last night I was 'on'. Not lost for words. The bands were awesome. I had a great time. But my friends left me! For the first time I was last left and they'd bailed.

And today.... I crashed. Again. I was fine. Until I started thinking about how much I hate my job and how half the stuff I do I just don't want to do. And then I just plummeted. Into that hopeless state. Where it feels like it's never going to end, it's always going to be like this and no matter how much everything else is great in my life and no matter how much just thinking about what awesome friends I have, I can't get past the utter hopelessness of hating what I do.

And you know what. I'm damn good at what I do. I have a highly respected position. I (finally) get paid very well, I'm respected by my colleagues, I have great working relationships with those around me and in other groups, I'm allowed to be who I am and have raspberry in my hair in a corporate environment (it's not that corporate anyway), I'm diligent, efficient, effective, and I'm good at what I do. I just detest the menial, boring, mundane, uninteresting, non-challenging, repetitive, bland things I do. I don't to file anymore, I don't want to check emails anymore, I don't want to do e-filing anymore, I don't want to archive anymore, I don't want to spend a week doing billing anymore, I don't want to see paper or deal with paper anymore, I don't want to make up more folders and update indexes, I don't want to do courier forms, affidavit of service forms, cheque forms, photocopy request forms, any fucking form!, I don't want to arrange any more international conference registrations, accommodation, flights, folders of information for these conferences which entails hours of trawling through emails and printing off information, sorting it, putting it in a folder and making an index. Arranging lunches, emailing clients to arrange lunches or coffee or whatever. I don't want to do the Amex reports every month and list all my lawyers expenses. I DON'T WANT TO.

I WANT TO USE MY BRAIN. I WANT TO THINK. I WANT TO LEARN. I WANT TO BE CHALLENGED. I WANT TO THINK CRITICALLY AND ANALYTICALLY AND ASK QUESTIONS.

I did start a mini Hoff revival in the office though. I do have wonderful people I work with. But I do feel lonely. I don't have a lunch buddy anymore, I don't have someone to go to to vent my shit. Sometimes I feel alienated.

And today when I felt like shit, when it all felt like it was closing in again on me, when I had to tell myself to not cry, to stop welling up tears in my eyes, there is NOTHING wrong, all I wanted was to see you. I miss you. And not in a way you might think. Just having you there was always a help. Even if we barely spoke for a whole day. You were right there. And then hearing your voice today just made it all feel better. It didn't go away but I had a glimpse of feeling better, even for a short while. Don't misinterpret any of this, you just make me feel good is all. You always know when I'm not quite right. Just like I know when you're not quite right.

I think I should have an early night. Geeling is killing Freo. We'll play the Cats next week and I'll be petrified. We are so close to it. We've never been so close to it.

Today was really good, but kind of weird.

My friends rock my world. Just little things that mean all the difference to me.

I'm still sick. I shouldn't be going out tomorrow to the gig but I'll go anyway. Not sure if I'll make Saturday. See how I feel. I've got about 50 pages left of my book. Need to finish it tonight.

Two nights in a row without dinner. I'm so hungry. I need someone to take care of me. Ha!

Lunch was um, I don't know. Do I make you uncomfortable? Feel awkward? Nervous? Like you shouldn't be talking to me? I hope not. It's not my intention. You just make my days better, that's all, with your always smiling happy face.

So there's rumours Subaru are going to unleash a new vehicle soon. It could possibly be an STi version of the Forrester. Did you know that a piece of shit Toyota RAV4 V6 (hey I drove a 83 Corolla for my first car, I loved it, I also drove a Camry Wagon for years, sure they're good cars but NO MATCH FOR A MIGHTY SUBARU) which is cheaper yes, but hello, it's not a Subi, it's AUTOMATIC (how do you drive a V6 AUTO- GIVE ME A MANUAL!!!!!!), no Boxer engine but it has an output of just over 200kw. 200!!!!! Fuck Me. That's power. It's more than a Rex FFS. Something wrong with that I tells ya. Mind you, I'd love to see who could go quicker on a 1/4 mile the fastest.

Oh reminds me, I 'dragged' off a commodore the other day going into Diamo maybe? I took off faster and we were coming to a merge, me on the left, them on the right. I looked over to them and the nose of the Commodore was right at my driver's door. I pushed on, I wasn't going to slam on my brakes to let them through, I was first off the line, I have the privilege and right to go first. Plus it's damn dangerous for me to do that - cause for an accident right there. I pushed on and they backed off to let me go otherwise we would have crashed into each other. Fuck I was good. Good driving that is. Guys just get real pissed when they get taken by a girl.

Oh and what is this shit about Dob In A [insert whatever you want here]. This State is turning into a police state - already is. Weber was right calling Victoria a nanny state. Soon they call for a curfew.

I wish I hadn't fucked up. I wish I could know what it would have been like with if I hadn't got sick. I still look at photos of you, like I did tonight and swoon. Tall, dark, handsome with your shaved hair, docs and tshirt. Doing your own thing. I've always compared every guy to you. You're not perfect but you were to me. I'm sure you're real happy with your girl now. I want you to be happy.

I'm sorry I was such a fuck up. It's my one regret. I'm sorry I didn't trust. Myself. To be good enough for you.

You looked so good in that photo from school days. Exactly who I fell in love with back then and then again 15 years later. I don't think I ever stopped. You'll always be in my heart even though were not right for each other. I loved you like I've never loved before.
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I just had a lightsaber dual in my lounge room and my dog is going nuts!

Yep, playing lightsabers on my own, it's sad I know but damn it's fun!

I was a bit naughty playing funny buggers today at work. But gee it was funny. Especially the story about a 3 day bender on LSD. Hahahaha. No it wasn't LSD really, it was pseudoephydrene (or however it's spelled), but geez did I have fun with that story. And no it was not my story.

I've nearly finished Jasper Jones, I cannot express how much I love this book. I love this book!

What makes me happy is making other people happy.

A funny thing happened on the train that made me laugh. I got on at Spencer Street and made my way through the legs to the end seat next to the window opposite some young guy who had his feet on the seat I was about to sit down onto. His shoes were those real cool black/white old school 40/50's type shoes (I can't recall what they are called but you know what I mean?). As I sat down he looked at me, saw I had a book in my hand and smiled at me. I think I smiled back. I put my daggy Coles bag under the seat and kind of hit his legs whilst I did it. Another smile from the guy. He seemed maybe 24 but knowing my luck (ie having a thing for men younger than myself) he could have been 20. Dressed in black jeans, those cool shoes, a red shirt with black jacket over the shirt. He had a beard that went down his neck but trimmed and nice (something about unshaven men that is just yum! - men, don't shave please, you are so much hotter this way - or maybe I just prefer neanderthals? No, no I don't) and not some horrid orange colour, but a dark blonde/real light brown colour, like my coffee table). Necklaces tucked under his shirt, a bracelet of glass balls with silver throughout on the left hand and nails that were bitten right down on both hands. Yes I study people in detail if I find them interesting. These details are important. He had a green hat on, kind of felt in texture with black braids around the rim. He looked what appeared to have a longer fringe/hair on top with shorter bits at the side that I could see. His lips were full and nice, not thin and stringy. He had nice eyes, maybe they were blueish? He was reading a book and he had those big 80's headphones on that my dad used to have that I'd listen to his records through when I was a kid. He was bopping away and mouthing lyrics. I like that. Someone who isn't afraid to let themselves go in public. I do that on the train myself and love it when I see other people doing it too. So he packs his book away and gazes out the window. When we come to Fairfield he gets his bag and smiles at me. He walks out of the seats towards the doors and looks back at me. I'm looking right at him. He smiles, I smile. He exits the train. I think the whole thing is hilarious so I follow him out with my gaze. He looks back into the train, sees me looking and pokes his tongue out like Gene Simmons and does a /m\sign to me but showing the fist of his hand, not the back of his hand. I laugh. I love random shit like that, it makes me laugh and smile.

So there's my randomness for the day.

Thanks to the beautiful Sam for your message. You are so selfless you are amazing. I wish I had your strength, you are my strength.

*Love*

I can smell you on the breeze. Your scent, I can smell it but I can't see you.

Today is The most perfect day to be at yhe beach. On the sand looking out across the vast ocean, listening to the waves crashing. The water would be too icy to swim but i'd still tempt myself and go in as far as I could untill my body was numb to the core.

Rose, you are the best. I love you.

Fuck I can still smell you! What is with that?

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A. I'm confused.

B. I really hate it when other people are so selfish they put their shit onto my friends who then feel like they've done something wrong when they haven't. Makes me want to punch them (selfish people) in the face.

C. My experiment seems to be collecting old boots from an ocean floor, not a prized fish.... or even a fish.

D. I really hate myself sometimes and the way my mind works. I'm an over thinker and an over analyser. It sucks balls.

E. Still sick. Not looking forward to going back to work.

F. I love spooning with my dog.

G. WHERE THE HELL IS MY PARCEL POST!!!! I WANT MY FRIGGIN T-SHIRT. YESTERDAY!

I have achieved absolutely nothing I wanted to achieve this weekend. Being sick sucks balls.

Oh I made it to footy and that's it. I felt crapola the entire time. The lawn did not get mowed, the house is a mess, I haven't even done food shopping or any washing. I could barely even read my book yesterday. I've hardly eaten as there's little food and I have no energy. I'm not going to work tomorrow, If I do I'll just make myself worse. I do it every time. I'll feel guilty for not being there but I need to get better FAST.

Because I'm bored I just did something totally random and stupid. I'm in one of my 'I just don't give a fuck' moods.

Can I just say how good are Sweet Spiced Gherkins. Damn they are so good. My mum came over today bearing cold and flu tablets for me. She said that I always loved gherkins, that I got it from eating it at her old man's house when I was little. All that Ukranian food I reckon. I really want to go there, to the Ukraine and see what it's like. I'd also like to learn more about that side of my family because I know very little. But gherkins, I love them. And rollmops. Damn they are so divine. But so expensive.

Hot Pies, Cold Drinks, Chocolate Bars

I am still sick. Blegh.

I joined the library today and borrowed The Night Watch. I'm just over halfway done with Jasper Jones which I am truly loving and keep recommending to all and sundry who will listen to me.

Steve surprised me and came over today which was awesome. So I listened to all he had to tell about his and Nic's trip and it sounded really great. That was really nice.

I made my way to footy. I felt like utter shit. But I couldn't not go. It's finals. I got drenched in the down pour at Clifton Hill waiting at the lights to cross over and then run to the station in the rain. Footy was awesome. Real cute boy on the train to Clifton Hill. His mate was hilarious and really funny - he got us all singing the Collingwood theme song. That was fun on a packed train full of Pies supporters. This cute kid with his mum in front of me kept looking at me and then he'd smile. He was 7 or 8. I asked him who his favourite player is. His mum and I were going through players and when I said 'Travis, what about Travis" and he said 'Travis'. I love Clokey. He gets a bit of a bad wrap for his kicking but he's a superstar and that goal he kicked on the boundary I knew was a shoe-in. He's a boy in a man's body and he's so damn strong, his marking is exceptional, his efforts are fantastic. Probably should have gone to Northcote Social Club to follow the cute boy on the train but I went home.

Disappointing a friend is not being a friend. I don't want what you think I want from you.

Some woman had a go at me on the train because I'd yelled at the Metro people. They announced it was an Epping train yet the front of the train said 'Greensborough'. Someone asked the Metro station person who was talking to the driver what line train it was. The Metro train person said they didn't know, they were trying to find out. I turned as I was walking on the train and yelled 'How hard is it?'. The woman then had a go at me saying 'It's not their fault'. I thought she was being sarcastic , so I said 'Oh yeah it's never their fault'. She came back with 'It's not so don't yell at them'. I replied 'How hard is it to run a train line'. She said 'those two out there aren't running it'. Oh fuck off. Clearly this woman only gets the train for football and not every day. Metro are fucking hopeless. The trains are never on time, they are continually late, delayed, cancelled. Every single one. Morning and night. And as for footy... geez I have to jump the fence every single week to get onto the platform because it takes so long for a train to get to Jolimont, then we stand there crammed like sardines for 5 minutes before the train leaves and if I'm not lucky enough to get the first train I have to wait 10 minutes for the next train. It's bullshit. With Connex you'd have 3 trains in 5 minutes post footy, free flowing and less congestion on the footbridges and not long waiting. Now you get 1 train in 10 minutes. So if I want to have a go, I damn well will. I'm paying for a shit service every single day.

That's my whinge.

WE MADE A PRELIMINARY FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now we just have to win it. Go Freo.