and then it all comes crashing down

Despite still being sick and not really feeling up to I made my way to the John Curtin last night. I had a ball! By nature I'm an introverted person. Half the time I never know what to say to people, I never really learned the art of conversation. But last night I was 'on'. Not lost for words. The bands were awesome. I had a great time. But my friends left me! For the first time I was last left and they'd bailed.

And today.... I crashed. Again. I was fine. Until I started thinking about how much I hate my job and how half the stuff I do I just don't want to do. And then I just plummeted. Into that hopeless state. Where it feels like it's never going to end, it's always going to be like this and no matter how much everything else is great in my life and no matter how much just thinking about what awesome friends I have, I can't get past the utter hopelessness of hating what I do.

And you know what. I'm damn good at what I do. I have a highly respected position. I (finally) get paid very well, I'm respected by my colleagues, I have great working relationships with those around me and in other groups, I'm allowed to be who I am and have raspberry in my hair in a corporate environment (it's not that corporate anyway), I'm diligent, efficient, effective, and I'm good at what I do. I just detest the menial, boring, mundane, uninteresting, non-challenging, repetitive, bland things I do. I don't to file anymore, I don't want to check emails anymore, I don't want to do e-filing anymore, I don't want to archive anymore, I don't want to spend a week doing billing anymore, I don't want to see paper or deal with paper anymore, I don't want to make up more folders and update indexes, I don't want to do courier forms, affidavit of service forms, cheque forms, photocopy request forms, any fucking form!, I don't want to arrange any more international conference registrations, accommodation, flights, folders of information for these conferences which entails hours of trawling through emails and printing off information, sorting it, putting it in a folder and making an index. Arranging lunches, emailing clients to arrange lunches or coffee or whatever. I don't want to do the Amex reports every month and list all my lawyers expenses. I DON'T WANT TO.

I WANT TO USE MY BRAIN. I WANT TO THINK. I WANT TO LEARN. I WANT TO BE CHALLENGED. I WANT TO THINK CRITICALLY AND ANALYTICALLY AND ASK QUESTIONS.

I did start a mini Hoff revival in the office though. I do have wonderful people I work with. But I do feel lonely. I don't have a lunch buddy anymore, I don't have someone to go to to vent my shit. Sometimes I feel alienated.

And today when I felt like shit, when it all felt like it was closing in again on me, when I had to tell myself to not cry, to stop welling up tears in my eyes, there is NOTHING wrong, all I wanted was to see you. I miss you. And not in a way you might think. Just having you there was always a help. Even if we barely spoke for a whole day. You were right there. And then hearing your voice today just made it all feel better. It didn't go away but I had a glimpse of feeling better, even for a short while. Don't misinterpret any of this, you just make me feel good is all. You always know when I'm not quite right. Just like I know when you're not quite right.

I think I should have an early night. Geeling is killing Freo. We'll play the Cats next week and I'll be petrified. We are so close to it. We've never been so close to it.