I feel crap. I was a total arsehole today. I just wanted to scream 'I FUCKING QUIT!' and walk out. I've had enough and it's time to go. I despise myself when I'm like it. Complaining, whingeing, moaning. Ergh, it's so loathsome. Glaring at whoever dares ask me a question. Bemoaning in response that I am not someone's babysitter, I do not know their whereabouts.

I need to get financial again. I'm appalled at what I've spent on equipment - if I had that in my account it would be such a relief. I'm going to sell some stuff after xmas. That new lens I got - I'm selling it. I haven't even used it and I don't want to. I'm not ready for it yet. I can't afford it either.

Priorities. Stop being impatient. Wait. I don't have to have everything NOW for it to sit around for when I am ready to use it. I have to be smart about these things. No-one is going to take care of me but me. So time to smarten up and stop being a greedy little girl.

Tired.

Was going to see HP tonight but I'm tuckered. All that negative energy today has drained me.

I keep being drawn into those thoughts about you and I know it's a trick and I'm refusing to believe any of it. I know it's wrong to think what I think (want what I want) but I can't help it. Sometimes I want to scream out loud and yell to just tell me - what is it going to be? To stop the ongoing pull of my heart towards you. To make it stop, to make it end. I just want it to be and I don't understand why it can't be. If I could have one thing and one thing only it would be you.