I feel more confused than ever. A few days ago I felt like I knew for sure. Now? Not a clue. I could waive either way and not care about it, either way. Is this how it's meant to be? This lunar eclipse thing? I just don't know anymore. I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore, do I still care, don't I?, what do I want, what don't I want. I feel like it's changing and it won't sit still for me to go 'ah ha! there you are, I gotcha. Now I know and I'm holding on to you'. Nope. Not happening.
What am I doing with my life? Is it passing me by? Am I missing out. Should I be somewhere by now, instead of where I am. Am I wrong in not wanting children and marriage and all that grown up stuff? I don't see that as my life. To be honest, I don't see myself with anyone, ever again. That's not to say I don't want it, it's just that I don't "see" it when I think of my future. And it's not that I don't want to get married, I just don't see a day where that will ever happen to me. Being single and all. And honestly, it's not that I DO want that, I just want to know that someone loves me enough that they WOULD marry me, they don't actually have to. If that makes sense.
Why am I doing Law? What's it going to achieve. A lot of debt, a lot of time at home, and what for? I don't know. But if I don't try what's the point?
Why am I doing my photography? Why am I spending money I don't even have pursuing a hobby. I'll never get paid work. It's just a fanciful dream.
I don't like days like today.
Last night was really great. Sure I didn't get wasted, I didn't need to. I had a really great night out. I wish we could all catch up like that more often, like the old times. It was heaps of fun. I haven't laughed like that - when your tummy hurts so much - for a really long time. It's like we're all still the same but just older. And yeah, I think I will come visit.
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