The year has almost come to a close. Again. How it has gone so quickly. Do I want to reflect on this year? I don't know. Maybe.

I've learnt a lot.

I've grown stronger.

Sometimes I've gotten weaker but I know in those times of weakness it hasn't been me. Not entirely. An interloper set in feeding off my fears and weaknesses and insecurities.

I made the decision to study again. I can only take it one subject at a time. One semester at a time. I cannot look at it as six years. I look at it as a subject at a time.

I did the same stupid thing with a boy again but this time I didn't fall for them. I think at the time I thought I really really liked them, but what I liked was the company. To just hang out with someone and talk. I guess it's an ego thing when it dissolves and they aren't interested anymore. I learnt from that. It was a good experience even though at times I put myself through the ringer a bit.

What I learnt is that how can you know you like someone and want to spend time with them unless you get to know them more? A few hours once a month is not enough. I want the time to get to know someone. Having said that, I have to be interested first. That's my downfall. If I'm not physically attracted and intellectually attracted ..... I'm not interested. It takes A LOT for me to be physically attracted AND intellectually attracted to someone. I think that's why I've been single for so long. Sure there's lots of guys out there I can have great conversations with but..... same as there's.... actually no, there isn't a lot of guys who I'm attracted to when I'm out. A guy might be good looking sure, but it doesn't mean I'm attracted to them.

And when you meet someone who is both of these things (and more) to you and you want to spend time with them to get to know them more because you're pretty sure they are who you've been looking for all this time.... it really sucks when it's not reciprocated. Oh, let's just be friends. Oh I love being with you too, yes we have so much in common and it's great when we're together BUT. I wish that but would go away. I wish it would end with a ...... 'so let's hang out and take it slow and see what happens'. You never know, it could be the best thing you ever do. If it doesn't work out, at least we tried. I'd rather know what it's like to be with you than forever wonder what if?

Next year -

Sort out my job

Be happy

Save more money

Stop spending money

Spend time with my friends

Concentrate on ME

Work on my photography

Be diligent with Uni. It's probably very over ambitious of me to expect an A in anything. So I'm setting my sights low on a C. Anything over and above will be a bonus to avoid disappointment. Mind you I will secretly be hoping for a B.

Boys and Men can stay out of my life please. You are there at the start all promising and then it's 'see ya, I'm scared now'. So just leave me alone ok. I don't want it nor do I need it. I'm worth it and if you can't make the time nor the effort fuck off. (This doesn't apply to you, for which I will stupidly hold out for knowing it will never be).

Try and save for some sort of holiday for 2012. As a reward for 2011. If I fail any Uni subjects NO HOLIDAY FOR YOU!

I guess really just to be happy with the lot that I have. Yeah I piss and moan (mainly about my job) but I've got everything to be grateful for. I'm sick of hearing other people complain ALL THE TIME about this and that in their life. As one beautiful young woman said to me a few years ago when I was pining over G and lost love 'think about what you DO have in your life, not what you DON'T have'. I've always remembered that Christine. It's so true and I try and apply it to my life when I'm feeling down or thinking I've been hard done by or not gotten what I want.

Is it really that bad? No it isn't.

If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food on the table, water and electricity, someone to love, friends and family, you have everything in the world.

Try and remember that next time you feel down or when you feel like complaining about something. Is what it is you are complaining about really that bad? Does it override all the goodness in your life? Think about what it is you're complaining about and think to yourself, 'gee, if this is the WORST of it, I've really got nothing to complain about then do I?'

I definitely need to take some of my own advice that's for sure.

Love