I can feel it setting in. I can feel it now. Seeping in, slowly. I hate this time of year. Every year it's exactly the same. Miserable. Lonely. Alone. I hate it. This is the time where you spend it with those you love and care about. Yeah, my family don't really do that. It's just awkwardness more than anything. I envy those families who get together, as much as they hate it. I love going to my friends houses and hanging out with them and their families. Pretending like I belong there too. I'

Thinking about new years. I just don't want to think about it. I just want to stay home alone and go to asleep miserable. Alone.

I've never ever had a new years where someone has said they love me. Never. New Years with J was always a fight. My new years with G I fucked up because I thought something was going on with him and someone else. So that sucked. I just feel like it's going to be like this forever. I'm going to be perpetually single for all my days while all my friends be mushy with who they are with. Miserable. Sure, bury myself in my photography... because I'm doing that alone too.

Wah wha wha. Sook sook sook.

I do really enjoy hanging out with Dave and Sam. They are so funny together. D is so funny. I eat better at their house than I do at home. You should see my little tubby gut now! I have tubbiness it's awesome. Been feeling better but still slight tiredness and brain function is slightly alarming. I couldn't find the credit card machine that was right in front of my face at the Safeway do it yourself checkout. Literally I was looking everywhere for where I put my credit card in and I had to ask the girl where it was.... right in front of me. I thought to myself 'i've done this before... where is the slot for my card?'.... I couldn't even remember!! So embarrassing. I felt so stupid. But that's my meds for you and my fucked up brain function as a result.

2011. I know what I want but I only want it with you. Anyone else would have me running for the hills. No, no, no. Not interested. Go away. I don't know if I will ever break that wall down. For you I'm standing here with a mallet ready to break those fucking bricks. And what for? I'll be standing here for my eternity waiting while you meet and fall in love with someone else and live happily ever after.