I've decided to spend new years alone. Not because I'm feeling 'woe is me', I'm not feeling like that at all. I just want to be alone. I'm going to spend the day at the beach, maybe down at Lorne and then drive back later on. I don't feel like being with people and everyone seems to be doing their own thing. I could go to a party but I don't feel like it. I want to be fresh on New Years Day, not having a hangover or feeling any other way. This is for me.

Next year is going to be for me. No more settling for second best or me not being first best in someone else's priority line. I put myself down too much and think that this is how it's meant to be. That I don't deserve any better so I just take what I can get. Bollocks to that.

I'd like to meet someone and fall in love. If it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. If it does, then shit!! I'll have to try and not run for the hills hahaha.

See you on the other side.

I thought I was meant to know things by now.....

I feel more confused than ever. A few days ago I felt like I knew for sure. Now? Not a clue. I could waive either way and not care about it, either way. Is this how it's meant to be? This lunar eclipse thing? I just don't know anymore. I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore, do I still care, don't I?, what do I want, what don't I want. I feel like it's changing and it won't sit still for me to go 'ah ha! there you are, I gotcha. Now I know and I'm holding on to you'. Nope. Not happening.

What am I doing with my life? Is it passing me by? Am I missing out. Should I be somewhere by now, instead of where I am. Am I wrong in not wanting children and marriage and all that grown up stuff? I don't see that as my life. To be honest, I don't see myself with anyone, ever again. That's not to say I don't want it, it's just that I don't "see" it when I think of my future. And it's not that I don't want to get married, I just don't see a day where that will ever happen to me. Being single and all. And honestly, it's not that I DO want that, I just want to know that someone loves me enough that they WOULD marry me, they don't actually have to. If that makes sense.

Why am I doing Law? What's it going to achieve. A lot of debt, a lot of time at home, and what for? I don't know. But if I don't try what's the point?

Why am I doing my photography? Why am I spending money I don't even have pursuing a hobby. I'll never get paid work. It's just a fanciful dream.

I don't like days like today.

Last night was really great. Sure I didn't get wasted, I didn't need to. I had a really great night out. I wish we could all catch up like that more often, like the old times. It was heaps of fun. I haven't laughed like that - when your tummy hurts so much - for a really long time. It's like we're all still the same but just older. And yeah, I think I will come visit.

Tired.

I had a really lovely Christmas. Probably the first one in years that i've actually enjoyed. Orphan's Christmas was great too. Sam put on a wonderful spread and was a fabulous host. I loved having Raider with me for the family xmas. He was so good and well behaved I was so proud of him. He and mum's dog got along just fine.

Went and saw Harry Potter today. The opening sequence was wow. I was watching it thinking 'wow, someone had the visual that that is how they wanted this scene to look and it looks fantastic'. I guess in a way I look at things differently now since doing my photography course. I find it hard to verbalise how I want my shoots and shots to look yet I know in my head how I want them to look. Anyway, the movie was great I really enjoyed it. It's dark, it's harrowing and it is fearful.

Tonight I'm just going to kick back and relax and watch some episodes of Boardwalk Empire.

I'm still confused. Do I, Don't I? I don't know. I need to do some things a bit differently from now on. Be more open and willing to experience new things. For the moment though I'm just going to concentrate on me and doing the things that I love and enjoy. I really want to get better with my photos. These holidays me thinks are going to be real busy with that. This week I think I'll take a drive up to Yarra Glen and just wander around and drive around. See what's there. Maybe also do a drive to Beechworth. I know it's a fair hike to get there but I want to explore some more too. See new places.

I listened to Me First and the Gimme Gimmes 'All Out of Love' today in the car over and over and over. It's such a fun song to sing even though it's a bit sad.

'I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you, I know you were right, believing for so long, I'm all out of love, what am I without you, i can't be too late to say that I was so wrong'.

So it is Christmas

Almost. Tomorrow.

I just realised that it's the second year in a row that I've received nothing from my father. Not even a card. Or maybe it's the third Christmas. I definitely did not get birthday card last year and I certainly did not receive one this year.

It's just weird.

I'm too scared of being rejected to call and find out if he's still alive.

Instead, I just pretend it doesn't exist. Until I remember again.

My excitement has somewhat waned. I was expecting to pick up a new lens today - a wide angle lens for landscape photography (and possibly band). I asked DHL to hold it at Tullamarine so I could collect it myself. They gave it to Australia Post at 7am this morning. It hasn't been delivered to me. *FUUUUUCCCCK*.

As part of my shipwreck Folio theme I was planning on shooting at Wreck Beach the anchor of the Marie Gabrielle and possibly the Fiji at sunset Sunday evening. You can only access the anchors on the beach at low tide, which coincided with the sunset/twilight this Sunday. Hence needing my lens today for Sunday's shoot. I'm utterly dependent on low tide and sunset meeting together around the same time. The next possibility is Sat or Sun 8/9 January - which I'll be on Phillip Island, and definitely not shooting on the Sunday night before starting work again on the Monday. Which means I'll need to re-check the tide times throughout January to see if they coincide with a sunset again. Grrrrr.

2 weeks off. I was one of the last people to leave today from support staff. At least I've mowed the lawn.

Looking forward to Christmas. Hound dog is coming too!! I didn't think it was fair he gets left at home while others get to enjoy Christmas with their pets. Hound dog is part of the family too. I think it's important to be thankful to still having people in your life and celebrating that even if we don't always get along all the time. I'm looking forward to orphan's xmas too.

Really sleepy. I smell like grass.

Stay safe and enjoy your time over the holidays. It's the little things that matter in life. Sometimes life can suck and throw things at you that make it tougher and harder but try and take one good out of each day and smile at that.
<3 Love <3

I am so addicted to Jim jones revue. Hot damn! I cannot get enough.

So tired. Train was late (really? That's unusual).

I woke up (extremely tired, I'd slept through the first alarm going off) thinking I knew for certain. All clear. With certainty.

Well, didn't you look damn fine this evening.

So much planned in my head these holidays are going to be busy - if I actually do all I plan to do. Or make it out of bed.

I'm going home to sleep next to you clinging like a leech cos I love to be real close. It would be even better if you were there.

Currently reading Schindler's List I've not seen the film although I have it recorded on my foxtel top box to watch once I've finised the book.

What I like about readng about real places in history is that I then want to visit the place it is set. That happened after reading the shadow of the wind. I wanted to go to Barcelona. I felt like it was almost part of me. Which it isn't but I felt that way. Going there in July I just adored the place.

23.30pm and there's still a fair amount of people on the train. Too many stops to go.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Toned Down

I seemed to have eradicated the foulness that was my attitude yesterday although I still bore some of it today in fragments.

An incident occurred today which left me feeling rather denigrated, disrespected and worthless. Let me put it this way... if you make a mistake or fail to pass on information that is pertinent for me to do my job correctly how is it then my fault that I get something wrong when I wasn't aware of the information in the first place? Apparently I'm expected to just know things or assume things. And failing to take any responsibility whatsoever for it and turning it back on me... I was dumbfounded. I tried to do the right thing and say 'hey, next time can you let me know because I didn't know and I thought what you sent me was about x and wasn't aware it was about y because I didn't even know y existed'.... until a day later... after the fact... and I've given people wrong information based on x when it needed to be on y.

I picked up my newly 'won' trunk tonight. It's huge and truly gorgeous. I love it. I hope my photo shoot will do it justice because I'm thrilled with it.

I take back something I posted yesterday.

2 more days and then 2 weeks off.

The year has almost come to a close. Again. How it has gone so quickly. Do I want to reflect on this year? I don't know. Maybe.

I've learnt a lot.

I've grown stronger.

Sometimes I've gotten weaker but I know in those times of weakness it hasn't been me. Not entirely. An interloper set in feeding off my fears and weaknesses and insecurities.

I made the decision to study again. I can only take it one subject at a time. One semester at a time. I cannot look at it as six years. I look at it as a subject at a time.

I did the same stupid thing with a boy again but this time I didn't fall for them. I think at the time I thought I really really liked them, but what I liked was the company. To just hang out with someone and talk. I guess it's an ego thing when it dissolves and they aren't interested anymore. I learnt from that. It was a good experience even though at times I put myself through the ringer a bit.

What I learnt is that how can you know you like someone and want to spend time with them unless you get to know them more? A few hours once a month is not enough. I want the time to get to know someone. Having said that, I have to be interested first. That's my downfall. If I'm not physically attracted and intellectually attracted ..... I'm not interested. It takes A LOT for me to be physically attracted AND intellectually attracted to someone. I think that's why I've been single for so long. Sure there's lots of guys out there I can have great conversations with but..... same as there's.... actually no, there isn't a lot of guys who I'm attracted to when I'm out. A guy might be good looking sure, but it doesn't mean I'm attracted to them.

And when you meet someone who is both of these things (and more) to you and you want to spend time with them to get to know them more because you're pretty sure they are who you've been looking for all this time.... it really sucks when it's not reciprocated. Oh, let's just be friends. Oh I love being with you too, yes we have so much in common and it's great when we're together BUT. I wish that but would go away. I wish it would end with a ...... 'so let's hang out and take it slow and see what happens'. You never know, it could be the best thing you ever do. If it doesn't work out, at least we tried. I'd rather know what it's like to be with you than forever wonder what if?

Next year -

Sort out my job

Be happy

Save more money

Stop spending money

Spend time with my friends

Concentrate on ME

Work on my photography

Be diligent with Uni. It's probably very over ambitious of me to expect an A in anything. So I'm setting my sights low on a C. Anything over and above will be a bonus to avoid disappointment. Mind you I will secretly be hoping for a B.

Boys and Men can stay out of my life please. You are there at the start all promising and then it's 'see ya, I'm scared now'. So just leave me alone ok. I don't want it nor do I need it. I'm worth it and if you can't make the time nor the effort fuck off. (This doesn't apply to you, for which I will stupidly hold out for knowing it will never be).

Try and save for some sort of holiday for 2012. As a reward for 2011. If I fail any Uni subjects NO HOLIDAY FOR YOU!

I guess really just to be happy with the lot that I have. Yeah I piss and moan (mainly about my job) but I've got everything to be grateful for. I'm sick of hearing other people complain ALL THE TIME about this and that in their life. As one beautiful young woman said to me a few years ago when I was pining over G and lost love 'think about what you DO have in your life, not what you DON'T have'. I've always remembered that Christine. It's so true and I try and apply it to my life when I'm feeling down or thinking I've been hard done by or not gotten what I want.

Is it really that bad? No it isn't.

If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food on the table, water and electricity, someone to love, friends and family, you have everything in the world.

Try and remember that next time you feel down or when you feel like complaining about something. Is what it is you are complaining about really that bad? Does it override all the goodness in your life? Think about what it is you're complaining about and think to yourself, 'gee, if this is the WORST of it, I've really got nothing to complain about then do I?'

I definitely need to take some of my own advice that's for sure.

Love

I feel crap. I was a total arsehole today. I just wanted to scream 'I FUCKING QUIT!' and walk out. I've had enough and it's time to go. I despise myself when I'm like it. Complaining, whingeing, moaning. Ergh, it's so loathsome. Glaring at whoever dares ask me a question. Bemoaning in response that I am not someone's babysitter, I do not know their whereabouts.

I need to get financial again. I'm appalled at what I've spent on equipment - if I had that in my account it would be such a relief. I'm going to sell some stuff after xmas. That new lens I got - I'm selling it. I haven't even used it and I don't want to. I'm not ready for it yet. I can't afford it either.

Priorities. Stop being impatient. Wait. I don't have to have everything NOW for it to sit around for when I am ready to use it. I have to be smart about these things. No-one is going to take care of me but me. So time to smarten up and stop being a greedy little girl.

Tired.

Was going to see HP tonight but I'm tuckered. All that negative energy today has drained me.

I keep being drawn into those thoughts about you and I know it's a trick and I'm refusing to believe any of it. I know it's wrong to think what I think (want what I want) but I can't help it. Sometimes I want to scream out loud and yell to just tell me - what is it going to be? To stop the ongoing pull of my heart towards you. To make it stop, to make it end. I just want it to be and I don't understand why it can't be. If I could have one thing and one thing only it would be you.

BUDDY HOLLY & The CRICKETS - 'Maybe Baby' - 1958 78rpm

I grew up listening to 6:00 o'clock Rock every Saturday night. I still love listening to Buddy Holly.

Books I've Read in 2010

5* - Totally loved it, you must read this book
4* - Damned good
3.5* - Pretty good, really enjoyed
3* - Ok, enjoyed in parts, got something out of it
2* below - meh average, I read it, didn't overly enjoy

2010
A History of the First World War (part read, too heavy reading for train) (Heavy going)
Water for Elephants (3.5-4*)
New Moon (2*) (Did enjoy but started to have issues with book towards the end)
The Five People You Meet in Heavern - Mitch Albom 2*(lacking)
The Shadow of The Wind (5+*)
Snow Falling on Cedars (3* - took a while to get into but enjoyed it in the end)
Shantaram - started it, didn't finish it. I got bored.
The Wolf (5*)
Jasper Jones - 5*
The Night Watch - 3*
From Baghdad, With Love 5*
Wonders of a Godless World - 3*
A First Rate Tragedy - Race to the South Pole - 5*
True History of the Kelly Gang - 5*
Miracle at St Anna - I started reading this before I left it on the train never to be returned 3.5*
The Magician's Elephant - I think this is a kid's book but I liked it 3*
Schindler's List - Started 20/12/10

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/homeless-man-reunited-with-stolen-dog-20101220-192hr.html

I read this today and work and nearly shed a tear. I assume I will never know what it is like to be homeless. I live a very privileged life. I know that if I get into trouble my mother will always bail me out. I have never gone without. I have always slept with a roof above my head and been warm in winter and have always had access to fresh water to shower in and food to eat. I have never gone wanting.

I cannot even imagine what it would be like. Sometimes I wonder when I am cold what it would be like to be cold all night, all the next day and so on with nowhere to go. I then think to myself 'gee I'm glad I'm going home now where I'll be warm'.

This story, about a homeless man (a man two years younger than me) who had his dog stolen from him and was then reunited with his dog really touched me. The guy had been addicted to drugs but since having his dog he hasn't touched the drugs. The love of his dog transformed his life away from drugs.

How much do we really appreciate our pets? Raider has given me so much unconditional love I would be lost without him. His constant cuddles can sometimes by annoying but I wouldn't give them up. I have never received so much love from anyone but my dog. He's there for me when I'm happy, sad, crying, in a foul mood. He is my source of love.

It's raining. I love the rain. It makes me so happy listening to the rain. Today is great just because it's raining. I love days like these.

Such a lazy weekend. No lawn mowed, no house cleaned, nothing. I did however create a website, add more apps to my iphone and surprise myself by taking some pretty good shots Friday night at the Mushroom Giant gig. Mind you I saw some of Amped Photography's band photos and my heart fell to that dark place.... way better than my photos.

I'm looking forward to Orphan's xmas. It should be fun. I should also be looking forward to my family xmas - one day I won't have it.

Still haven't decided about New Years.

Currently watching All About Eve again. It's a fabulous movie. Bette Davis is in her prime in this film. I admire her talent.

Still hopeful. Stupidly.

No double action for me tonight. Been feeling nauseous at work all day. Went to photo exhibition - some really nice pieces of work, some not my taste. So many of the otways it's like seeing a mustang. Meh. Ate lots.

Headache. I seem to be getting really mild ones lately. ?????

Got home. Had 15 mins to myself. Then had another 15 before I had to leave. I pulled the pin. I then vomited. Alot. Shower.

Bed.


As an aside, if you got fat or piled on the weight I'd still think you're gorgeous and want you. Because you are still you.

Good night

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I cannot express how tired I am right now. Not as bad as I've been but I just want to collapse into a heap of sleepy dreams.

Too much on. Exhibition tonight and then gig. I don't think I'll be sticking around long at both.

Seriously need some me time. Thinking of cancelling my sat night (which is me going to a gig with me- I'm so popular!) and staying home.

14.52 and I'm struggling.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I have one night off this week. It is tomorrow night. It will be spent doing a job application. Woo hoo! Work! Yeah those things take hours but I feel like I've been given a second chance at the application because I thought it was due Sunday or Monday night and I had missed it. It's a Research Assistant at the Coroner's Court. It would be great to get into and get those research skills I need AND it also deals with policy which in the long term is where I want to direct my working life.

Two days in a row I have given cashola to the homeless. In response I'd love my bag returned that I left on the train with all items still in said bag. I know it's not going to happen. What an effing idiot I was. Not thinking, half asleep. I KNOW that when I get a thought in my head I have to do it straight away otherwise I forget. Like putting my bag between my feet, not stuck under the aisle seats. Idiot! I thought I'd put a medical referral letter in the bag too, which is a bit detailed and not something I want a complete stranger looking at or posting around goodness knows where. I found it tonight at home. PHEW! That was a huge relief.

Christmas is next week. I was thinking on the weekend I should send my dad a Christmas card and question if he is still alive in it. Then I thought, hang on a minute, I sent him a birthday card and I got NO REPLY. I didn't even get a birthday card from him when it was MY BIRTHDAY two weeks later. Why do I need to chase this man? Keep waving myself in his face via a card? What's it going to do or achieve? It's what I do with men who aren't interested in me. Fuck on that. No more. It takes a lot to walk away. I'm sure that when he does die, or when I find out he's died or dead I may have regrets. Perhaps I'm being petty and selfish. Perhaps I'm just being honest with myself. I'm not going to put myself out there AGAIN for no response just so I can feel shit and say to myself 'see it just proves I'm right, he doesn't care'. Maybe he doesn't. Don't think about it, don't dwell on it. I have people in my life who care about me and show me that they do. Why do I want someone who doesn't.

After a foul first 4 hours today - that was me being utterly foul because I left my lunch bag on the train - I got a really awesome compliment on my photos. It was the best! Someone said they like my band photos better than another band photographer who has way more experience than me. Wow, that was so lovely and made me feel really good. Even put a smile on my face!

I'm learning that it's not just about taking a photo. You need to research your photographic subject (ie what it is you are taking a photo of, the theme) and get the posing and angles right. It's important to direct your subject and communicate with them. I'm so pleased with the way the photos turned out from yesterday's shoot but I have a long long way to go.

I've just discovered the Jim Jones Revue. OMG I couldn't stop tapping my leg on the train and drumming my fingers away to the music and moving my head around. They are awesome! I'm going to check out a tix for their sideshow.

So I think xmas is next week? Wow, how did that happen.

I'm so bored at work. There is so much filing it's ridiculous. I just don't want to do it. It's so ....... worthless.

No jobs that grab my eye at the moment. I'll keep looking but I kinda need to be in mine at least until I do my workshop in Qld. Blegh, do I really want to do this degree? Is it just to prove that I'm just as good as the loy-yers at work or wherever? I don't know. But I can't keep doing what I'm doing and I don't want to be a legal assistant anymore. I need to take a further step up.

I cancelled my PSC appointment today. As much as I'd love to learn photography properly I just won't have the time for it next year and it's almost the equivalent of my law degree. I need money behind me to support myself. Right now I've pretty much depleted it all - again. There's so many more things I need to get (ok, photoshop) and now I have to pay off the huge amount I've just spent on photographic equipment (eeep!). So I gotta be real diligent with the cashola.

I'm hoping to shoot J as a rock n roll outlaw. A friend in my photography class lives in the bush and in a church! I thought it would be a perfect setting. His guitar as his gunnysack - well ok, I'll probably have to have him have a gunny sack too as well as the guitar ...... must research !!!!! Very important to get the colours and the clothes and the surrounding and the posing/standing right for this.

So my stupid little head came up with this awesome idea that once I've done the photo shoots I'll have a mini exhibition (because I'M NOBODY HELLO!!!) and the prints on the wall and people can buy them if they like and I'll have music, and nibbles and drinks and yeah it'll be awesome! Maybe a collaboration with other friends and their work. I'm awesome for ideas!!

Have been feeling blah this weekend. Couldn't (wouldn't) get up. Today was better. I had my first ever photo shoot and I had really high expectations for myself (which is so silly because I'm a beginner). Sam was fabulous, she taught me a few things, I have no idea about positioning and posing but she was great. Dave did fabulously well too. The result of the photos I am so pleased with. They have come out really really great. I'm meant to have an appointment tomorrow at PSC but I'm going to cancel it. A) I can't afford it; B) I won't have the time for it; an C) I have to return the costumes tomorrow!

Spoke to L tonight. His nephew ain't doing so well. I really hope he pulls through and gets stronger everyday. I can't imagine what his family is going through right now. It must be so heart wrenching. Please get better lil' one.

I can feel it setting in. I can feel it now. Seeping in, slowly. I hate this time of year. Every year it's exactly the same. Miserable. Lonely. Alone. I hate it. This is the time where you spend it with those you love and care about. Yeah, my family don't really do that. It's just awkwardness more than anything. I envy those families who get together, as much as they hate it. I love going to my friends houses and hanging out with them and their families. Pretending like I belong there too. I'

Thinking about new years. I just don't want to think about it. I just want to stay home alone and go to asleep miserable. Alone.

I've never ever had a new years where someone has said they love me. Never. New Years with J was always a fight. My new years with G I fucked up because I thought something was going on with him and someone else. So that sucked. I just feel like it's going to be like this forever. I'm going to be perpetually single for all my days while all my friends be mushy with who they are with. Miserable. Sure, bury myself in my photography... because I'm doing that alone too.

Wah wha wha. Sook sook sook.

I do really enjoy hanging out with Dave and Sam. They are so funny together. D is so funny. I eat better at their house than I do at home. You should see my little tubby gut now! I have tubbiness it's awesome. Been feeling better but still slight tiredness and brain function is slightly alarming. I couldn't find the credit card machine that was right in front of my face at the Safeway do it yourself checkout. Literally I was looking everywhere for where I put my credit card in and I had to ask the girl where it was.... right in front of me. I thought to myself 'i've done this before... where is the slot for my card?'.... I couldn't even remember!! So embarrassing. I felt so stupid. But that's my meds for you and my fucked up brain function as a result.

2011. I know what I want but I only want it with you. Anyone else would have me running for the hills. No, no, no. Not interested. Go away. I don't know if I will ever break that wall down. For you I'm standing here with a mallet ready to break those fucking bricks. And what for? I'll be standing here for my eternity waiting while you meet and fall in love with someone else and live happily ever after.

(Hold on to your) Freedom

This whole Julian Assange thing really is a debacle. Any intelligent person can see through the alleged allegations against him and realise that the charges are completely politically motivated and motivated entirely by the US.

Seriously, who gives a shit about what has been leaked about what the US has said about other countries and diplomats. None of it is earth shattering, nor a surprise. For the US to come out and cry foul and demand the execution of Assange is more shocking than what has been leaked. What is screams of is a school yard spat where children have been outed slagging off so-called 'friends'. Ooops. And now the children are crying foul saying the information should never have been leaked because it's 'embarrassing' to them and the nations and diplomats they've slagged off. Ya think? It's about transparency. I'm not condoning these leaks but I'll join in defending what has been put out there.

For our PM to come out and publicly announce that Assange is a criminal (ok maybe she didn't say that, but she did say), that his actions are illegal is gross negligence on her part. Please Julia, being an ex-lawyer and all, what law exactly has Mr Assange broken? You're not too sure are you. That's because there is no Australian law that he has broken. Hardly illegal when there isn't a law in place to be broken for what he's done. Embarrassing. And now you're back footing on the issue and what you've said and toned it down. Pure arse kissing for the US and it doesn't help at all.

I can honestly say I've never liked Kevin Rudd. Sure I voted for the man in the second last Fed Election but I didn't vote FOR him, I voted against Howard. What I do like is Kev coming out and saying what is BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that everyone seems to have overlooked, including the US (can't see their nose to spite their face) is that Mr Assange has done nothing illegal and it's the people who (oh oh, here it comes..... the moment of truth) LEAKED the information in the first place... that is what needs to be looked at as an 'illegal act'. I applaud what he's said. The fact that he's come out and said he couldn't care less about what the US think of him is what it's all about. As if he wouldn't know that behind all the hand shakes and the (fake) smiles those people wouldn't be stabbing a knife in his back. Let's be serious here on that issue.

With respect to the alleged 'rape' allegations. They have been laughable from the moment they surfaced months ago. It's very cooincidental the allegations came to light just after Wikileaks made available thousands of documents relating to the war in Afghanistan. Now, after the cables have been released there is a 'warrant for his arrest' by Sweden for 'rape' allegations. What has been told in the papers is that the women did not want rape charges, they just wanted him tested for STD's because he had sex with them without a condom. So the actual women named in the allegations don't even want him charged. Given Sweden is a supposed 'neutral' country it seems very likely the US is pushing on Sweden for the arrest. The US has been embarrassed and they don't like it and now they are using their fire power to bring down one man via allegations and charges that are very soft in nature if you look at the actual facts of the matter.

How very bullish of the US government this all is. And they wonder why 9/11 happened. Wake up. The world hates you. You think you are the centre of the universe and the all empowering nation. You are not. Your so called 'war on terror' is an excuse to extinguish as many middle eastern men, women and children as you can as you see them as a threat to your country.

This is a new war. A war that you have created. The digital war. You seek to persecute one man for your own mis-doings and the world will respond in defiance and defence.

Free Julian Assange. He is a political prisoner.

I am in need of some serious alone time. I've been doing too much for the past month or so and I need time for me.

Thinking of doing two courses at the one time is just plain stupid. I'm tired now, how am I going to cope with two nights of class a week, pizza on Monday's and then have two nights for law plus the weekend. Um, social life? Break somewhere in between? There will be NO time for that. I just create all these fanciful dreams in my head. I can't afford to do two. I'll be scrimping every month. I've just bought a bit of equipment and have 5 months to pay it off before it incurs interest.

I didn't get home tonight until 23.15. I cooked up a bit of the lamb roast I made Sunday (hadn't had a chance to eat any of it yet) and was planning on watching ep 6 and the final episode of The Walking Dead but I need sleepy time.

I just need ME time at the moment. I haven't done my washing for now more than 2 weeks, I need to work outside, I need to clean my house, I need to just do things for me. But life keeps getting in the way. And I keep thinking about you and I need to stop. It won't ever be anything. Read the writing on the wall.

And where the fuck do these mozzies keep coming from? Every night in my room I have to kill at least 8. Minimum.

I'm so bored at work. Sooooo bored. I'm so unmotivated. It's so boring. Paper. I'm so fucking sick of paper. I just want a holiday.

All I keep thinking about is my photography. Although what sort of shoots I have in my mind and how I want them to look is how the professionals would shoot them. I don't even know how to use my new flash!!! Yep got the baby today along with my new reflector stand. I just need to buy a reflector now. Minor detail. I bought those two items on Wednesday and one came on Friday, the other one today. I'm still waiting on my bowler hat from China I bought 8 days ago..... where is my Charlie Chaplin hat mofo's.


I phoned up today about the PSC course. I have an appointment next Monday. It won't hurt to check it out. I keep thinking I'll be spending more money on my photography and will never earn a cent from it but I won't know unless I try and continue to practice. I was surprised how well my photos from the rod show turned out. I had a lot of trouble metering so looking at the results on my computer I have to say I'm rather pleased with them.

I had a really lovely time at the rod show and selling things is not that easy! I'm not very good in the display side of things and Sam had the tshirts looking great after my terrible pile of them. But I did enjoy the random hellos and talking to people, it gets me out of my shell a little bit and forces me to be the first person to say something to someone else. I always wait for someone else to say something to me first because I always think another person couldn't care less about what I have to say. Silly I know.

I met this guy who was showing his rod. It was more of a truck with a flat bed tray. Really beautiful. Anyway I just asked him if the tray could be lifted. We got talking and he had a serious motorbike accident 11 years ago. He was in a coma for 2 months, he lost the lower part of his right leg (I hadn't even noticed until he showed me), his left hand had to be re-attached! Really serious stuff. He's on painkillers every day. Amazing resilience. He loves building cars. I was really inspired that a guy who nearly lost his life and came so close to it, lost his wife, is in constant pain every day still has the focus to do something he loves. I moan that I don't have someone in my life every fortnight to do something with or just go to sleep next to when I have EVERYTHING ELSE and so much more than what my friends have. And here's a guy who just keeps on going.

I want to get really good with my photos. I want someone to look at my photos and be inspired as I look at professionals and go 'wow, I wish I could shoot like that'. A photo that tells a story. Mine don't tell stories. I'm not at that level yet but I want to be. My problem is I want it to be really soon, realising that all this takes years to accomplish. I even thought of repainting the back room all white to use as a mini studio.

Work sucks. I am so unmotivated to do anything. Sure I can do things like file mountains of paper or archive mountains of files. Wow, how challenging and mind blowing. Yawn. The quality of work sucks balls. I'd rather suck balls. Ones I like of course ;) Oh that's just wrong, seriously, get your mind out of the gutter. Gross.

Yeah, I keep going to bed and waking up wanting you next to me. It's so boring sleeping alone all the time. B.O.R.I.N.G.

I have all these things going through my mind but when it comes time to write them down I don't remember.

Still tired. Although I was shaking today whilst having lunch. My hands were shaking. Scouted out a location for photo shoots. I have so many ideas and I know how I want them to look but I need to be realistic. I'm still learning and I'm not a professional. Portrait photography is one of the hardest forms you can do. I spoke to another friend today about doing a shoot and they are keen. I'm excited about it. I just need to get good!

I feel like I'm going to be in this situation forever. I'm happy alone but it's getting a bit tedious. I just wish you would allow yourself to take a chance on me. I just want to see if what I think I feel for you is real, or whether it's something I've made up in my head. I wake up in the morning and I want you next to me, to feel your soft warm skin against mine. To snuggle into the crook of your arm and put my arm over your chest and go back to sleep. I want that so much.

Meh, whatever. It'll never be.

Early morning start tomorrow, not looking forward to it but it's helping out a friend and that is important.

I'm loving my Ned Kelly book. Although I know what happens I'm still holding out that he'll win and survive. Seems like the coppers are right royal bastards out to get him no matter what.

The next few weeks are going to be busy. I keep saying to myself that I'm going to tone down my social commitments but geez things keep popping up. Bloody friends and their gigs! Joking, it's great practice for me and my camera.

No idea what I'm doing for new years. Staying at home on my own at this point. I hate new years and I hate committing myself too early. Sounds horrible I know. I know who I want to spend it with but that's not an option. That's just fairy tale bullshit and it's not reality. Being around couples (no offense) doesn't really appeal to me. Guess that means I'll be alone seeing as my friends are all hooked up. *thumbs up*

Sitting at my desk today I was out of breath. Seriously. Trying to suck in as much air as I could. I remember times where I would take one breath every 1.5 breaths of another person. This whole thing is scaring me. I cannot be THIS tired just because of my meds. It's not right. I don't feel any better. I'm exhausted by 3pm.

I have so much on this weekend and I don't even know how I'm going to make it through.

I'm so tired and won't have the energy to write as much as I want so here's a few things from today:

Rose

Gabba Gabba Heyes - Chiccckkkkkeeeen!! I love it when you call and say that.

Being responsible for once and not impulsive. Well.... sort of.

Going to the last session of the Book Series - the topic today was crime writing. I'm not really into it I have to say. I was a huge true crime teenager - you know serial killers and all that jazz. Couldn't get enough of that shit. I wanted to grow up and be an FBI agent and hunt down serial killers. No shit. I had plans to do a Masters in Criminology. Went to Uni and realised it was a crock of shit. Ended up working in a law firm instead. Ha! Anyway I really enjoyed today's session and I'm glad that K-A called me to see if I was going, I said yeah I'd go. (So easily led!).

LOVING MY BOOK! No seriously, I don't want to stop reading it. The True History of the Kelly Gang. Makes me want to learn more about Ned Kelly. And do a day trip around the place(s) and take photos.

More photoshoot ideas.

I wake up and want you to be next to me.