Today seemed to go swimmingly well. It was interesting having someone do research on me for a change. It's a small world. I actually didn't even think they would call the people they know who used to know me to get the low down on me. But I liked it. I'm keen. I know they were impressed with me. It's now a matter of waiting. I'm not selling myself short this time. I'm worth it. I'm damn good at what I do. Damn good.

Whatever happens will happen. I'm feeling really good about myself. For the first time in 35 yeas I feel truly happy. I have a long way to go but I'm confident that this feeling is here to stay. I've gone through a lot and I've worked on myself a lot this year to get to this point. I've wanted to change and I am changing. For the better. I don't think it's ever a complete process. Rather one that continues to evolve, grow and develop. I like that. A lot.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Ladies, and to a lesser extent gentlemen, could I please ask that you cease and desist from dousing yourself in smells. By smells I mean perfume, deodorant, smelly sprays, aftershave. It bloody well stinks and makes me feel vomitous not to mention it aggravates my hayfever and gives me a headache. A little subtle smell is nice. Over powering is just... Really unpleasant.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

My internet is running crapola to the point I can't even watch the new Muppets movie trailer.

_______________________________

Do I feel cleansed or like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders?

No.

What I feel still flows throughout my whole body.

I'm set for a week of study, a night out on Saturday (gosh it's been so long since I've not driven) and footy on Sunday.

I have wonderful friends who care and love me. I spend a lot of time alone and I guess I forget that that love is there... even if it's not physically in my life all the time. I don't feel alone though. I'm also starting to love myself. It's a huge step for me. I'm not going to run anymore. I'm done running. Right now I'm standing still. To take on whatever life throws at me. I'm now starting to take the good and not run from it.

I am loving this book!!! It's been quite a while since I've read a 900 pager. Oh Mr King you really are the master. How I have missed you so.

For anyone who likes Sons of Anarchy Mr King had a cameo in the last season in one ep. He was brilliant.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

R-dog and Kevin. So named after Kevin the bird in Up.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

For the first time in my life I'm ok. It's taken a lot of hurt, pain, loss, and suffering to get to this point. I'm really proud of myself for taking steps to be a better person on the inside and take on my fears and insecurities. I'm hurting right now. A lot in fact. I so hope and wish that what I'm doing will magically work out and I'll get what I want. I don't think that's going to happen. I don't think I will be fought for. That hurts. But I'm in such a better place mentally and emotionally that I know I'll get through it. I didn't say I'd get over it, just through it.

I know in my heart I will never get over you. No matter who else comes along in my life. I know that if I don't see you for 10 years and then I did that my first laying of eyes on you will make me feel exactly how I feel about you now and have for the past x years.

You will forever be in my heart.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I just broke my own heart.

Let's see how long it takes to repair this time.......... I feel like shit. Actually shit is probably all warm and squishy. I just feel empty and incredibly sad. It would be better if one could rip one's heart from inside their chest out and replace it with a non-feeling organ that just pumps the blood around as necessary but has no infinite feelings. That would be ace.

Lazy Saturday studying.





Two really great nights out in a row. Great people, yummy food, delicious cocktails Thursday and good conversation. Apparently I inspire my friends. Who would have thought.

A constant change of mind and heart. I can't seem to go through with it. It's like if I do will I be missing an opportunity that could be there if I was patient enough? Then I think I've been patient long enough. I wish I knew the answer but I don't. I just keep holding on.




Posted from the depths of my
mind.

I'm feeling really lucky, privileged and blessed right now. By blessed I don't mean in a religious sense. It's more like the sun is shining on me and I'm welcoming and accepting its warmth. It's good.

I'm sleeping like a log, really heavily. Yet I keep waking up in the night. I'm thinking of anything in particular when I wake up, in fact my mind is a blank. It's like I don't know why I'm awake but I am. Like there's something unresolved going on externally that's waking me up. I'm not remembering my dreams at all which I usually do.

I was really looking forward to studying tonight - gag I know - but I'm so sleepy tired I'm not sure I'm going to make it. I'm starting to enjoy semester 2 after feeling like I was going to fail because I wasn't understanding or taking in the readings.

I'm watching R-dog listening to Animal Planet- his eyes wide and his ears pricked... listening to all these little yappers yap. He's watching the tele now - right up in front of it. He's so damn cute. Nope he's lost interest.

I'm too tired to think or write about anything.

The next four months are going to be tough.

-—--—--—----—

I miss you. A lot. This is not good. It makes me want to run away. Before I really hurt myself.

Head space is a little jumbled.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I'm not that great at maths. In fact I failed in Year 10. I was devastated. The teacher hated me so she failed me. She did though pass my friend who failed every single maths test for the year.... apparently he'd sucked up to her so he passed. I then did Maths in Year 11 just to despise her. Passed that.

I can confirm I achieved a Distinction (that's a B) overall for Legal Research and Writing. The last assignment was worth 55%, not 50%, of my overall marks. I blitzed it with 80.9% (in La Trobe terms that's an A! In SCU terms that's a B). I scored 44.5/50. I am so rapt. I was really pleased with the assignment and my effort and I thought it deserved a distinction. I did better than I thought. Well done to me *pats on the back and smiles*.

Legal Process..... I'm silent on this because I have no firm confirmation of my result and I'm waiting on the Uni to get back to me. I have conflicting information and no concrete confirmation.

_________________________

R-dog had a play friend today. Mum brought over her little munchkin of a dog (Tibetan Spaniel) and they both played together. R-dog is a wee bit subdued right now... he could even be almost sleeping.... I'd love to get him a play friend. I really would. But two is just too much for one person to handle. I could handle... but walking and holidays with two.... I need an extra pair of hands and legs for that.

____________________________________

Life is good. I still have my ups and downs but I'm dealing with them a lot better now. My thought processes are becoming more positive and I'm not being so harsh on myself. It's still a process and I can see the improvement. Whenever anything gets me down I always say that tomorrow is a new day. I see each new day as a new start. Fresh. Forget about yesterday. Today I can start over again. Like a blank slate (to a degree).

I'm being boring and staying in this weekend (again). I enjoy my own company and I've got some movies to watch, a new book to read plus I want to start my studies. I'm not sure I'll get any of this done but that's ok. Just hanging with my boy is precious enough. (I think he's sleeping.... ssshh.... this never happens before I go to bed time).

It seems, without knowing the exact figures, that I achieved a minimum of 84% on my legal research and writing assignment to finish with a distinction over all.

Friday night plans by the way side. Got a sick friend i'm unable to see. Instead I'm starting a new book.



- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I was a passenger in a car that got rear ended tonight. I was so angry.

________________________

I've decided not to go to Motley Crue. It's a hard decision and I know by the time the gig comes around I'll be sooky about not being there. I need to prioritise and really start thinking about my future. It's just me. Only one person is going to take care of me. That person is me. I've had a really good past 12 months, past 24 months really but I have nothing in my bank account to show for it. It's all gone. It's time to replenish. Sacrifice and prioritise. Start saying no to myself. It's going to be tough but I know I can do it. Discipline.

I'm about to head off to a work function. I'm looking forward to it.

I have this inexplicable feeling of excitement. I'm just excited but I don't know what for or what about. It feels nice though. Like I'm on the verge .......

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Really good day. Just because.

Love my friends to bits.

Sleepy time now. I'm so warm it's delicious.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I'm starting to feel ok about my life being great even though the life of specific friends is shit right now. This isn't a selfish feeling, it's an acknowledgment that it's ok for things to be going well for me, even though they're not that great for others right now. I won't be a martyr. I won't feel guilty. I've gone through enough that it's about time I actually said 'hey, you know what, my life is going great right now and I won't apologise for it'. It's about rewarding my inner self. Not feeling selfish, not feel guilty. Just accepting that I'm good enough to have good things happen to me. Not that anything 'good' has happened. I just feel good and life is good right now. When it's like this I want to hold onto it for as long as possible because I know it won't last forever. It ebbs and flows.

________________________________

A dream job for me would be working on prosecuting war criminals. It's a fantasy. Sure I could go for it but that would mean leaving my country, working in Europe and oh yeah, work would be my life. What I'd like to do in the interim is learn as much as I can about these issues. If I'm ever to practice I know criminal law would be up there (I could defend or prosecute, I'm not partial one way or another) or issues relating to human rights.

What I'm learning is that there is so much out there that I'm just not educated on. So many issues that I am naive about, uneducated and perhaps even non-opinionated about because I just don't know enough information to form an opinion. It's easy to be 'outraged' about something but to really know the ins and outs..... I want to get there. The issue in the paper today about 3 Indonesian boys being detained in a prison with adult men.... that sort of stuff makes me ask a zillion questions and want to get to the bottom of it and free these boys. I want information, I want questions answered. I want to be able to help people. The law, just because it's the law, doesn't mean that it's right. I question it. I don't believe that it is always black and white. Just because the speed limit is 60 does that mean that that is the correct speed limit for that stretch of road? In my opinion, no it does not. Who says it should be 60? Why? Does driving at 70 in a 60 zone mean I'm driving 'dangerously'? I don't think so. Just because something 'is' doesn't mean that it should be.

__________________________________________

I have some really special people in my life. I don't need to be around people a lot. I've grown up alone, I'm used to being alone. I like my company. Most of the time. I need 'me' time. I don't function without it. But having certain people in my life.... it makes life that little bit easier knowing I have their love and support, unconditionally. And vice versa.

I'm a little bit excited for Semester Two.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Today was a really great day.

Great friends, good food, great cocktails and a thumping game of footy.

Now it's bed time with my book. Hound dog has taken it upon himself to sit on the bed and fall asleep on my leg.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I've not had proper jeans like this for 15 years.

Levis. Love 'em.



- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Lying on the floor in front of the heater reading The Zookeeper's War.

I have a heater hog.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I wish I could take away the pain and the hurt and the hell that someone in my life is going through right now. I never realised it was going to be this hard. Or painful. It's not fair, it makes me angry and it makes me down right sad. It hurts a lot. Not just for them. I hate seeing those I care about so much in any form of pain. I want to take it off them and suffer it for them. I feel so useless. I have no control. Sometimes I think the words I say are just stupid and not helpful. I don't know what to do. I want to do more but I just don't know what or how. It's going to get harder but I'm not going anywhere. I love you so much. You've taught me so much and I admire you more than you know. I know you'll get through this. I know we'll laugh about it when it's all over. Chink our glasses together and drink to success. I know, it feels like that day is so far away. It will come and you will have success. You will smile again. You will be happy again. You will be free of this hell. I love you baby girl.

One thing from today:

Being called Moll Face by a work colleague.

It was lovely. It made me laugh. We have that sort of friendship so it's ok.

Woman sues after being impaled on fence

Andrea Petrie

June 9, 2011 - 12:46PM The Age http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/woman-sues-after-being-impaled-on-fence-20110609-1fu0j.html
A Victorian woman who was impaled on a star picket after falling off a veranda while drunk and urinating over the side is now suing the property owner.

South Ballarat woman Michelle Egglestone, 35,sustained serious internal injuries when the picket penetrated her groin, requiring surgery.

Ms Egglestone is seeking damages and loss of earning capacity from Leslie Furness, of Smythes Creek, following the incident on November 1, 2008, according to documents filed in Victoria's Supreme Court.

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She also sustained pelvis and lower abdominal injuries, claims she has post-operative scarring, depression and anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder and nightmares resulting from what happened.

Mr Furness — her former fiance — was the owner and occupier of the house, therefore Ms Egglestone believes he was negligent in not providing adequate balustrading on the veranda and uncapped star pickets in the garden area below, where Ms Egglestone fell.

This did not comply with building regulations and failed to minimise the risk of injury to anyone coming into contact with any pickets, the writ claims.

Mr Furness should have provided adequate warning about it and his failure to do so exposed Ms Egglestone to "risk of danger of injury which could have been avoided with reasonable care on the part of the defendant ... which the defendant knew or ought to have known," it states.

The writ claims Mr Furness had also failed to exercise due skill and care in the maintenance of the premises.

The personal injury matter is expected to go to trial at a later date.

____________________________________

I could write an essay on why I have a problem with this type of litigation.

I'll just surmise some dot points instead.

• Contributed to her injury
• Drunk
• Urinating over a balcony
• One would assume the plaintiff would be familiar with the balcony as it was part of her then fiancee's
• Plaintiff did not take reasonable care (due to being drunk) to keep a careful and proper lookout for her own safety and well being
• How is it the defendant's fault she fell off the balcony whilst drunk taking a piss? Oh the balcony..... that's right
• A reasonable person would not think that another person would take a piss being drunk over the balcony which could then cause them to fall and impale themselves on the uncapped picket fence below.

Are you serious? The solicitors who took this case on.... really? On what grounds do you think she will be successful. There must be some serious issues with that balcony and even then, contributory negligence on the part of the plaintiff would be at minimum 50%. Perhaps she lucked out with the insurance company not paying her any medicals, loe and damages? What, for her own stupidity? Cases like these give lawyers and litigation a bad name.

Right now I feel like shit. I just want to cry. I just want the hurt and the pain to go away. Go away and return with a bright sunny warm day filled with love and laughter and green grass soft and thick enough to lie down on with a warm freeze to filter the air.

I'm hurting for someone who is going through hell. I don't even know if I have a right to. What is my pain compared to theirs? Isn't it just selfishness on my part? It's definitely a lack of control. Having no control. Maybe I should go listen to Bad Religion (they have a song.. it's called No Control....). It's a bloody good song too.

I'm also so mad at myself. Actually, not me. That fucker who pops up at his convenience to taunt me. Again. What power you (think you) wield. You contact me. Yet you block me so I have no recourse of responding. Not that I would. But it's your way of still having power. Of being controlling and manipulative. Just fuck off will you. I don't care about you, I don't think about you, I don't wonder what you are doing with your life, if you are with someone or not. In fact I do wish you were with someone. Totally and utterly crazy in love with someone. That way you wouldn't even think about me or feel the need to contact me. To remind me of your existence. I don't give a fuck about your existence. I don't wish you any ill will. But just fuck off and leave me alone will you. I don't know whether your motives are kind hearted or black hearted. You're not doing yourself any favours by continuing to contact me randomly over the years. If you left me alone FOREVER it would work immensely in your favour. Your contact is tiresome and boring. So please, just go away.

I think it really hit me today. I've been so naive. It hurts and it's going to be tough.

___________________________

It's nice to see that some people are still the same. Manipulative, controlling MF.

Stay away from me.

Hearing your voice sound like that makes my heart plummet. I want to swap places and bare your pain for you. Why is this happening? Why does it have to happen to you? It's just not fair. I feel useless and helpless. It isn't about me at all. I just want you better and to have all of this behind you as a distant memory where we can share a glass, laugh and say 'yeah that was a fucker!' and then smile at each other.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Some things can't be expressed with words.

Some moments you want to savour forever.

Some things will just never be no matter how much you want them.

---------------------------

One thing from today?

Is one thing I'm keeping for myself.


Look.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

My sleeping, lightly snoring, beauty.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

One thing from today

Realizing how lucky I am to have the great relationship I have with my mum (even if we fight like cats and dogs at times).

Lucky indeed.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Calle Santa Ana. It's one of my favourite street names in Barca. For the reason that I just like how it sounds when I speak it.

Calle Santa Ana.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

The best thing about today was sleeping in and not feeling guilty about it and spending time with the woofa dog. I love our days together.

Yesterday was really lovely. I went to the Good Food and Wine Festival with C and we had a great time. We had a lovely lunch at the restaurant and because C had to wait so long for her food she was given it free. That allowed us to go back later and share an entree and desert.

We sampled a lot of bad wine. A lot. There was no cheese. Or if there was I think it was at the 'smallgoods' stands which we weren't interested in. I sampled so many different Beechworth Honey I want to go there just to eat food. We discovered we like the same sort of foods and as we were sampling the same wines C would be thinking something isn't quite right and I'd put those thoughts into words describing what wasn't so right. It was a lot of fun.

This week is going to be tough. One day at a time.

I bought this at the Good Food and Wine festival yesterday. Balsamic with oregano. I'm trying it out as a different dressing on my favourite salad to accompany my ricotta and spinach cannelloni for dinner.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

English tea cake!




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- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Friday flowers

Ever stop to look at what's around you?



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- Posted from the depths of my mind.

The sky was the colour of a bruise this morning. Then it was dull and gloomy grey. A separate part was the white wash of waves rolling into shore on an isolated ocean beach.

Not even I like days like today.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Standard mornings at my house




Work wall.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

House trashing part 2

Paint. A bullnose veranda, lattice and perspex. Oh and lots of plants to cover the sweeping views and keep it all enclosed. I'd rip out those plants and have lower growing ones to take in the air and the depth of space and land. Not have it enclosed like it's suburbia.
Oooh oooh this was my balcony growing up. My room was at the far end. It was beautiful to sit out there during a warm day or even at night time I'd sneak out there and look at the stars through my binoculars and listen to music on my walkman until I got busted with all the click clicking on my walkman. They put lattice on, painted it green and put a cover over it. My dad did the tiles.
Downstairs. The idiots moved the bar so the stupid stair case could fit from upstairs. They also put that horrid wall panelling on each wall downstairs. It's awful. It's such a nice space down there. It was meant for me when I grew up. I never got the chance to live down there. My parents split 2 months before my 13 birthday and my dad was re-married by the time I was 14. Mum and I moved out 2 weeks before my 15th birthday. I was shattered.

I'm still dreaming about the house. This time the spare room was featured (my 'play room') and I was on the balcony. Perhaps I'm not very good of letting things go and moving on.

The house I grew up in - and changed by other people

Set on one acre. The fence is the remnants of what my dad built around a swimming pool. It's been left to rot. The stairs be built by hand.... the deck and fence he did all by himself.... left abandoned. It's a disgrace.
This part left - the paving was added as was the retaining wall and green paint. It makes it very enclosed. Paving not a great job either.
The beautiful original spanish lights are still in the lounge room as is the fire place. Oh and the original gold carpet from 1974! There were folding doors where the wall is, they've blocked it off. So stupid. They also put a stair well in the lounge room (thereby ruining the layout of the lounge room) to connect with down stairs. Wrong. It was never intended to be joined.
The re-done family room. With paint, without the Coonara heater, with floorboards.
The complete renovated kitchen sans oven. Who the fuck spends cash on a kitchen without an oven? It's too white and does not suit the house at all.

New books! 3 for $15.








- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I bought these for summer.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I lashed out and bought this for the first time.

Damn! It is the best apple juice going around. Well worth the price.



- Posted from the depths of my mind.

So.......

One of my photographs will soon appear on the sleeve for a CD cover.

How ace is that!