July Horoscope

What would you do if you were somebody else? Where would you go? How would you behave? You cannot possibly answer this question. You have no idea. You can only be yourself. Why, then, do you sometimes feel inclined to emulate the examples of others? Or even to assume that their ideas and actions are worth more than your own? Without becoming arrogant, and whilst remembering that it is important to listen and be sensitive, it is imperative to trust your own judgement in July. You're about to make a once in a lifetime choice. So be wise.

__________________________

I keep going backwards and forwards on a decision I've already made. I guess that's because it's a decision I never wanted to make and stupidly thought/hoped/fantasised/romanticised that everything would turn out awesome instead. I wonder if I've cut the rope too soon? Perhaps if I held on to it for longer what was on the other end would come to me. I don't want this. It's incredibly upsetting and it hurts. I feel like something inside of me has been taken out and it's just hollow and empty. Like driving down a deserted road in a big city and there is no-one. It's all gone. I want to take back what I've done. But then I ask myself 'would anything be different if I did?'. No. It would still be the same. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what other choice I have. I feel what I feel and I can't change that. I just think of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Even if I could erase my memories of you and our times together I don't want to. Because everytime was so wonderful. Why would I want to forget that? Why would I want to forget good times. Just because it hurts now? No. I wish things were different. I have everything. I'm a spoiled brat with everything but the one thing I want the most. It just sucks but that's how it goes. I'll get through it. I know that. I've already been to hell and back and I fought that battle. The battles don't get any easier, I just have better coping methods now. So I never have to go back to hell again. I'm proud of that. What I went through to come out the other side. I hope no-one else ever has to go through what I did. It's soul destroying. I knew 2011 was going to be a poignant year for me. Finally. It's been pretty great so far. Despite the inner turmoil I still go through. I can walk with my head held high and a smile on my face (not that I feel like smiling right now, I don't and can't) knowing that I've made certain steps to confront my fears and insecurities and I've made so much progress. I still have a long way to go but I've stepped over that invisible line that has held me back for so long - myself - and started the journey forward. I really want you to be there next to me as I continue forward. Still. No matter what I say or do I still want that.