Which way to go

I have absolutely nothing to complain about or whine about or anything... my life is, really, awesome.

But I don't have you. I don't have the comfort I need, from you.

I'm torn in two right now. My head says WALK AWAY... NOW! and my heart is holding on as if I've been flung over the edge of a cliff and I'm holding onto a weed with all my strength that is allowing me to hold on.....

I'm miserable. Fucking miserable. I have been for... well this will be my third week in a row. Yay!

I'm sick of crying. Crying doesn't solve the problem. I should walk. I can only get through this if I walk. If I stay.... I'm just hurting myself over and over and over. If I could only be strong enough to get through it and be tough without hurting. How do you be friends with someone you are in love with? How is that possible? Can I see you and not want to kiss you or hold your hand or just wish you'd put your arm around me. Wish that when we said goodbye it wasn't a kiss on the cheek and a 'speak to you soon'. How do I not think about who it is you are seeing and who it is you may be sleeping with that isn't me?

It's not all about my heart. That yearning, aching feeling in my heart. It's what goes on in my head. Those thoughts that are so damaging and upsetting. Because you will be with someone else sooner than later. It won't be me and I don't think I can cope with that. Or pretend smile like thats' great you met someone.... to be with.... when you say you can't be with me.... It fucking sucks alright. I don't think you understand that part. Of course you want to be friends. I'm awesome and you know it and you don't want to lose that. You want to have your cake and eat it too.

But what do I get? Huh? Explain to me what I gain out of this?

I don't gain anything. I just lose. It hurts like hell whichever way I choose to go. I'm stuck in limbo, hurting. Do you hurt? For me?