Somewhere over the rainbow

You know when you go to answer a question and you hesitate before answering and what comes out of your mouth as a result isn't the truth. I was asked a week ago if I was happy to be back. I hesitated a waivering 'yeah'. In truth, I'm not happy to be back. What seemed great a few months ago has withered away to nothing. I don't live well in reality and everything around me is SCREAMING REALITY. There's no fantasy world to retreat to... nothing I can conjure in my mind. It's all just... nothing. Hopeless. Trapped. Strangling. No way out. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I feel like all I get is one thing at a time. I can never get more than one thing at a time. And what I really want.... everyone else gets that but me. I'm over it, I'm sick of it, and I've given up. I just don't care anymore. I don't believe in it and I don't trust it. And that's probably why I never win. Not that it's a competition but I'm never first. I'm more than just a few seconds.

It's been two days and I'm miserable. I sat there today saying to myself 'I just don't want to do this anymore. I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to do billing ever again. I don't want to file EVER AGAIN, I just don't have it in me'. It's so relentless and repetitive and BORING and a waste of my time and skills and knowledge. I really feel like saying to them ' So, you pay me X dollars a month to spend four to five hours a week [if I actually had the time to do it weekly] to sort paper from a pile into smaller piles and then put them in date and time order, and then onto a file. You pay me THIS to do that?'. That's money down the shithole people. It's a waste of my time and your money.

I phoned A about a position today. I wanted to enquire about it. Find out some information before actually applying. It was like talking to the secret fucking service. You think I could get ANY information out of them. The chick on reception gave me nothing but a 'i'll get so and so to call you'. STILL WAITING PEOPLE. And you know what it is. It's not like I NEED them to call me, because I can tell you now I'm over qualified for their fucking job. I don't need to say 'oh please I can do this, please give me the job', I want to know about it to see whether I WANT them. It's not about me, it's about what they can do for me. What are you going to OFFER ME? I'm sure the girl who answered the phone thought I was some upstart or some arrogant fuck. Hence no phone call. Not the way I like to do business people. You want me, I'm here. Keep me waiting and I'm looking elsewhere.

My mobile rings at 16.50. Here's me thinking it's A and I'm contemplating letting it ring through. Blocked number. I answer it. Get it over and done with I think to myself. Oh hello, it's L from X calling. We were really impressed with your cv and whilst we've filled the position we don't get a candidate of your stature very often (they were a bit disappointed in the timing of my resume it seems - I sent it through after they'd made an offer to someone). We were wondering if you'd like to come in and have a chat to us about any further positions that we may have in the future'.

WOW. I have never in my life received a call like that before. EVER. They wanted me. They actually wanted me. They had actually taken my resume after the fact of filling a position and talked about me amongst their WorkCover group and made the decision to call me for anything future... and there may be something in a few months due to growth. I couldn't believe it. After rejection after rejection after rejection I've been feeling down and lost and whilst I know what I'm capable of and know how good I am, it's been a shot to my confidence. It really has. I want to be better than what I am. I can be better than what I am. I am better than what I'm doing now. I love thinking, I love being challenged, I love learning, I love gaining knowledge, I love analsying and problem solving and thinking critically and asking the questions. That's what I love about the law. The questions it asks of you. I miss that. I need that. I want that. If I can get that - that's what I'm after. It's not what I can do, it's what I can be given to achieve what I desire and crave. I get bored very easily - with people and with my life, including work. I need constant stimulation, mentally, emotionally, physically, intellectually. CHALLENGE ME!

So yeah, I'm going to have a chat. And because it's more informal I'm feeling really great about it. I don't have anything to lose, only to gain. If they don't like me then it's not meant to be. They were very accommodating in the meeting time so really, it's kind of me interviewing them. They already think I'm the goods (which I am) - they just need to show me what they have to offer.

And please note anything I say - I'm full of shit. I'm one big contradiction. I'm such an emotional person that I live by my emotions so I live by my heart and not my head. I'm also very impulsive, indecisive, and impatient. I say one thing yet I mean something different. I can come across harsh and mean but really, I only want [fill in the blanks].