Hungry, need to sleep.

Shit day I really hate my job. I'm getting mouthy again and I need to stop. I was in a mood of wanting to yell 'just eff off, just leave me alone'. I was feeling so narky I just wanted to pack it in.

Lunch with my old boss was really good. She thinks if I get a job with **** it wil be really good. She can't afford to pay me as her assistant on her own unfortunately

Looking forward to a quiet weekend. I just want to stay home and read my book. I need to clean up outside. I've got a dead tree to disassemble and lawn to mow. Oh the joys of mowing a wet lawn.

So many other things going through my mind that at the moment I wish I could turn it off. I




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I always feel guilty if I spend my money that I've earned. If I haven't saved a decent amount every month I feel like I'm failing myself. I bought these Friday.
I've just started reading Jasper jones. There are some things in life I can't get enough of- socks, jackets, books, music, underpants.













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As much as my friends and I are different in so many ways we are alike

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I think I just crashed.

I feel like I'm trying to cram all this stuff into my life and I keep thinking up crazy stuff to do. I need to stop thinking so recklessly and pull my fucking head in. It's like I feel I should be 10 steps ahead of myself even before I've taken a step.

Stupid. Just take a step back.

I'm frustrated,I'm sick of a certain situation and I just want things to be different but I don't know what that different is.

I have one line of thinking that I go along with and then BANG! all of a sudden my mind changes. I'm too confused and I'm too much contradictory.

I feel like I'm in a bodysuit that is not my own skin and I just need to shed it to get rid of this feeling I have. Just detach yourself from me so I can be me. I need to shed the skin that is holding me down but instead it's just weighing me down. Shaking it off is.... well it would be beneficial but then what do I do.

I can see it but it's just a fantasy. I'm so sick of my fucking reality. BORING!

I don't want to get older. Can I stay this age forever? I don't want to be younger but I don't want to get old.


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Hair cut and colour. Happy with the cut not so with the colour. It's meant to be a magenta. It's dull and still has blonde bits through it. Not happy. I need BRIGHT. So I'll be putting my own colour through it.

We lost today. It was hilarious watching those muppets jump up out of their seats when the siren rang. I said 'geez you'd think they just one the grand final the way they're carrying on'. Two other people said the same thing independently of me. Couldn't care less. It matters in September.

Quite concerned about how tired I'm feeling. It's 756pm and I'm exhausted and just want to sleep. I wake up exhausted like I haven't even slept. I'd be interested to know the difference in my levels from my last blood test to the one I'll be getting in 1-2 weeks.

Stupidly, I miss you. I'd love to just hear your voice. Yeah stupid thought I know. It's not going to happen. Ever. Shame.

I spooned with my dog this morning. I'm sure it sounds really wrong but it's really nice.

I'd like to get an old photograph of my grandmother tattooed on my arm. She would be horrified I'm sure but then again, she may like it. But then I found this picture of a girl with an indian headdress which I love and want. So I thought I could combine both and have my grandmother wearing the headdress. It reminds me of when I was about 8 in primary school and I had to dress up as a little indian girl and she made me this awesome costume out of brown curtain material, really soft too and given I had long dark brown hair I platted it in two and I also had a little headdress. I was a real little indian girl. It made me think of that. It was a really happy time. I loved that costume. I really loved my nanna. I hated my father for not telling my mother or myself she had been in the hospital for TWO WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS. That's two whole weeks I never got to see her, two whole weeks she had without me. She was my second mother and my friend. I only saw her once in the hospital before she passed away in 1996. I still regret that. I still miss her.

I was naughty today. I went to Borders and instead of buying 1 book with my discount voucher I bought 4. Ooops. But I scored (ok I paid for it) Stephen King's 'Under the Dome' which is about a town in Maine that gets a force field around it so no-one can get in and no-one can get out. I love shit like that. So it'll kind of be like The Stand (the epic good v evil novel) but a bit different. It's 877 pages and I can't wait to read it.

I've almost finished reading The Wolf which has to be the best book I've read all year. I absolutely love it and the best thing is that because it's a historical account I've actually learnt something about history which I crave. I cannot recommend this book enough. It is written exceptionally well and it's a joy to read despite the subject matter (German raider in WW1 that captures and sinks ships across 3 oceans, not to mention the ships it sunk through its mines on the sea bed).

Busy weekend. Getting my hair cut and coloured tomorrow. It will probably be a waste of time but I'm so sick of colouring it myself. Then footy. Night in and then Tim Burton Sunday with Rose.

So tired. So sick of this. I've got a little bit of chub back which is so awesome. My hip bones aren't sticking out as much and my back bone has flesh over it all nice and healthy. My arse is bigger and I have a lil sticky out tummy which makes me so happy. I have to get my bloods tested again in 2 weeks and I know they are going to be low despite increasing my levels. I really don't have anything to complain about as I have friends who have serious health issues that never complain at all. I am very grateful for what I do have in my life right now. This is just a hiccup.

I keep changing my mind about something every day. Sometimes I do and then I wake up and I don't want anybody, I just want to be alone. I think if it even presented itself or I had an opportunity I'd run for the hills scared shitless. As much as I (think I) want it it's my greatest fear. I don't know that I could ever let anyone love me (aside from my friends). It scares me too much. I should re-phrase that. I don't think I could allow myself to be loved by someone else.

We used to meet on a Thursday, Thursday, Thursday in the afternoon

..... for a couple of beers and a game of pool (she was pretty cool too) (Morphine, Thursday)

Good things for today:

A work colleague shared with me the card they received in congratulations on being admitted. I thought that was nice.

The disabled man who sells The Big Issue out the front of my building winked at me and did the tongue clicking thing you do when you wink at someone as I walked past. It put a smile on my face.

Rose

**************************

Shitty things for today:

Me! My attitude sucked big time. Whingeing and moaning all day. I think I owe someone an apology tomorrow for my rudeness. Being over it is no excuse for poor behaviour.

When things are really good I don't trust them. Like my last relationship.

So I'm just going with the flow.

Did you see the full moon tonight?damn it gets me everytime. I could stare at one for hours. Last time I saw a moon so bright it was huge and yellow in roma's night sky.

I've been back for a month.


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My comments on today

I was told today I need to put on weight. With all due respect, don't ever tell me to put on weight. I don't choose to be like this. I am the way I am because my thyroid gland DOES NOT WORK. OK! I have to take medication for the rest of my life in order to stay alive. I've been on the damn medication for 26 years. I have not been able to get my levels right for the past 2 years. When women whinge about having a tummy or their arse is fat or about the layer of flesh over their hips I can only wish I had that on my body. If I'm lucky I get to experience these things for maybe 6 weeks of the year - IF I'M LUCKY! So eff off and don't ever tell me I NEED to put on weight. If I could, believe me it would make me so happy! The only way I can put on weight is if my levels are too low which is dangerous for me. It decreases my brain activity, I suffer memory loss, it increases the risk of heart failure, I am unable to think clearly or make decisions and I get extremely tired from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. So please, don't tell me I need to put on weight. I do the best I can and accept that this is just how my body is and how it will always be.

I have a major disregard for rules and regulations.

Smiling and being in a happy mood really does make all the difference. But you can't fake it.

I wish I could make the shitty things in other's peoples lives go away. I'd bear it on my shoulders just to make things easier on someone else I care about.

If I don't try I'll never know. That's always been a motto of mine. I tried today, time will tell if it amounts to anything.

I bought Wonder Woman undies today. Official DC Comic ones. They're friggin' awesome!!! Too bad I got no-one to model them for. I miss that. It was always fun.

Loving listening to the Descendents. I must, I must, I must get a ticket to their sideshow when it's announced. It made me think of You and how much you influenced me all those years ago.

Sundays are food days for me.

I had the best 'breakfast' this afternoon. Prosciutto, pancetta, sweet spiced gherkins, strawberries, Hungarian salami, Sicilian olives, goats cheese, South Cape camembert, quince paste and Pheasant Farm pate with biscuits. Very decadent!

My spaghetti bolognese is currently cooking.

So very tired. Despite increasing my thyroid medication levels I don't think I've got enough 'juice' flowing. I noticed late this week I've put on some weight which is super awesome! But it means my levels are really low (which is really bad). Hence being super tired all the time and my brain is starting to feel fuzzy again. My memory is almost non existent. I forget things all the time. I can't even hold a conversation properly because I forget what I've been up to to even tell anyone. I'm just a mental blank. I'm so sick of it. I haven't been able to get my levels right for about 2 years. It's just an ongoing struggle. And it concerns me a lot if I want to study next year. How am I going to do well when I can't even remember what I just read? Maybe I just have to bite the bullet and really dose up and get used to having no chest whatsoever and being nothing but bones instead? Nah, can't do that. It depresses me too much. Last summer I cried when I looked at myself in the mirror in my new bikini's. I was too embarrassed to even take the dog to the dog beach because I thought I looked so anorexic and felt revoltingly disgusting.

I think I might try and find a Russian Prince.

Loving the new EP. I hate that my favourite live song seems to be everyone else's favourite live song too.... I hate that! Go like another song! Now I look like a sheep following the herd. I liked it first! Baaah

I want to punch you in the face right now.

Affectionately of course.

Fucker.

Don't know what was going on with me last night but I wasn't really feeling it.

That crazy idea I had, well I investigated but I'm not going to go through with it. I'm glad I went through the process anyway. As much as I'm a dreamer and can come up with the most outrageous ideas I'm not stupid and there is no way I would put myself at risk just for an idea that sounds good at the time.

I think I also needed to have a long drive and get down the beach. It was for such a short time but it really made me laugh watching Raider run into the surf and then bolt back to me and then run into the water again. I can't wait till we go down there in November for a few days.

As for that other matter..... I know I should just walk on bye (sic), the end happened before I knew it, but for some reason I just can't.

I saw these today and literally gasped aloud in the book shop

Xmas is coming if anyone wants to buy for me and leave near my door (I don't do Xmas trees). One is fine.






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I cannot tell you how much I love the peanuts

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I went to the bookshop at lunch to look at garden design books because I'm thinking of re-doing my front yard.

Of course I veered straight to the 'Military' section.... what can I say I love that shit.

I saw it and bought it. The


cover is awesome and it feels like it's padded it's so cool.
I have a thirst for history and more importantly the knowledge of it because I know nothing. I can't wait to read this!

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Now that I think about it.....

I have the best ideas sometimes... and then I realise how stupid the idea is.

Like the idea I had today. Now that I've researched further... yeah keep dreaming.

I'll still go ahead with the appointment but I now have other ideas instead.

I really do need to get my house in order. I'd love a 'new' front yard.

Sailing, I am Sailing

I am a little excitable right now, I want to jump around doing air karate kicks yelling out who-arrrrr really loudly!

I am booked in!! I just hope it looks awesome when it's all done. I love the picture, it's so moody and dark yet free and hopeful, a journey. It has that contrast which I love. Like my cupid which represents Eros and Anteros (Eros who embodies love and Anteros who embodies unrequited love) - the two sides to me.

I also booked a mini weekend away with the hound dawg down the coast. Oh yeah, it should be awesome. Me, the ocean, the dog, free of everything. It gets so dark down there. It's so pitch black at night you literally cannot see in front of you, it's so beautiful. And all the stars are so bright in the night sky and if the moon is out.... wow. I sleep with the blinds open so I can see the stars sparkling. When I wake up I can watch the sun rising. And listening to the waves as they crash is just mesmerising as I fall asleep. There is nothing like it and nothing more that I love listening to, other than listening to someone I love breathing in their sleep. I love that. That always makes me smile.

To clarify

To clarify on yesterday's post....

Sometimes, not all the time. I need my space. Like every fortnight. That would work for me.

Oooh plans!

Haircut saturday (this will be interesting).

Turn up to vote - I'm voting for The Ramones (literally).

See a man about a tattoo (sail away with me, to another world.....)

Make a call to book a weekend down the beach with the hound dawg. (If only I could get someone to come with me to make the fire work..... stupid fire wouldn't work for me last time. I can make a fire you know, I am self sufficient, sometimes I just don't want to be ).

Remember to submit x 2 more uni applications. To cover all bases and hopefully choice 1 will 'pick me' 'pick me' to study with them next year (and the ensuing 5 more years).

So what I set out to achieve this weekend went by the way side as it usually does. I should have finished my quilt but I haven't. It's at the 'final' stage where I just have to pin the ribbon around the edges and then sew it.

I did make yummy chicken soup. I got 26 minutes into Antichrist before needing to get ready to go out - it's a start. I thought the opening sequence was so beautifully shot. I did sort out my photos, just need to burn them.

I did spend my Friday night with people I love. I spent my Sunday with my awesome friends ('our crew') who make me smile everytime I'm with them and think how lucky I am. It did suck being the only single person there for a while, watching all the happy couples together. It's somewhat isolating. It's not that I want a relationship, I'm not ready for that, it would just be nice to have someone I can wake up next to every now and again, laugh with and be stupid with, and do things with. Go to a gig, have dinner, go for a long drive and sing at the top of our lungs, fall asleep on the couch with, play with my dog, talk about music with. I guess that's just asking for too much. I don't think it will ever happen. I'm just too fussy. And if I find someone they always choose someone else anyway.

The Thinker

Not feeling it today.

I had another bad dream this morning. That's 3 in the last month. I had one in Rome. I had one a week or so ago and now again this morning. The problem is I think what is happening in my dreams, or what they are telling me is what is happening in real life. It's upsetting me.

When left alone, like on the weekends, my mind has so much time to wander. I need a distraction.

1. Finish quilt (it looks sooooo good)

2. Sort out photos for ink and to get processed from trip (I'm running out of wall space!)

3. Read

4. Bake? (that requires me getting out of my pj's and going to the shops)

5. RELAX (I rarely do this on the weekend, I feel guilty if I sit down for an hour and do nothing)

6. Eat (one thing I always lack on a weekend - food)

After two years the hound dog has discovered the spare bed

Good Thing

I'm not quite sure what is happening but life seems to be pretty good right now. I have no much going on in my head and plans left, right and centre... whether they all come to fruition is another story. But my daydreaming is well and truly back on track!

Today seemed to go well but I'm not getting hopeful. I will just wait and see.

I've found another degree.... a combined one. Which means 10 years of part time study. I'm going to read through the information I printed off from the two universities that offer the degrees and work out the pros/cons.

I've nearly finished my creative project. It's not perfect, of course because I suck at maths and got my measurements wrong, but it's looking real good and I'm quite pleased with it. I think it's the biggest one I've made - the heaviest anyway.

I drove past an accident tonight. There I was ranting and raving in my car 'how f*king hard is it, what are you people doing?... as long as no-one is hurt"...... Yeah. As I get closer I see numerous police cars, at least 2 ambulances, fire trucks with lots of firemen. The paramedics get a stretcher out of the van....(I'm saying to myself 'oh that's not good, they've probably got neck injuries).... the next thing the stretcher is coming back to go in the back of the van and there's a white sheet over the body - all the way up. Dead. It was quite full on. It felt as if the opposite side of the road was silent. That even in the rain there was no sound. I did get a bit upset seeing it. I just thought 'someone was going home or just been out and now they're dead'. For some reason I thought it was a woman but I have no way of knowing. It's the 6th death on that stretch of road in at least 6 months. And they are all within 800 metres of each other. I'm sure more debate about the road will start after tonight. And to be honest, I love the road. It's long and for the most part it's straight and yeah, it's great to drive on and drive fast on. It's an 80 zone and it's a hot spot for young kids to drive really fast on. I admit I've driven at 100kph on it late at night not realising how fast I've been going. Do I condone that? No, but I'm just being honest. Given tonights weather conditions who knows what happened. I certainly couldn't tell. Someone is going to have to tell that persons family they are gone.

Why is it that when you get older you realise what is really important in life? Is it because I feel like I've reached the half way mark and there's so much more I want to do or should have done? I'm not old, but time just goes by doesn't it.

Please take off your mask

I've never understood why girls (and women) wear so much spac on their faces. I don't actually know how to wear foundation therefore I don't. But do girls really think that layering on mud on their face to the point where it is clearly noticeable is attractive? Oh that's a lovely shade of BROWN you are wearing, not to mention ORANGE face over there. Why is it that young girls and women need to put on so much extra 'layers' on their skin?

Obviously not everyone can have beautiful clean and clear skin. I get that. But does the cover up have to be so heavy? Is it not possible to use something light that you barely notice... or is it the barely noticeable makeup that is really 4 products used to make it look so barely noticeable.

Why can we, as women, not appreciate how we look without make up? Why do women spend time putting on make up to then sit in front of their computers at all hours taking poser photographs of themselves? The amount of photos I see on the net of girls and women using photo booth with a ton of make up on.... Seriously, you're sitting there at 10.30pm at night posting photographs of yourself with a full face of make up. Who are you really underneath all of that?

My philosophy is if I look like shit then I look like shit. No amount of colour to my face is going to make me look better. Men don't get the luxury of foundation or eye make up (although some choose to do so and that's cool by me, I like boys who wear eyeliner (depending on the boy and no crow make up please, that is so mid 90's)) to make themselves look better. I figure if a guy likes me for ME, who can see me without make up and still like me then kudos to me.

I'm not interested in putting on a mask and then being too scared to take it off lest my effect on someone disappears as a result.

Have not been taking care of myself at all.

Don't remember the last time I actually cooked a proper dinner for myself.

Can it just get warm again. I don't mind the cold but the consistency of the same coldness is getting a little bit tedious. Just mix it up a bit you know. 16 degrees, 12 degrees, 10 degrees, whatever. Just not 10 degrees every bloody day. YAWN.

A reply:

Thank you for your beautiful email.

***********************************

Cujo is really scary!

You live your life like it's a hollywood movie

You know someone actually said the above to me once. Like it's a bad thing. I live in a fantasy world because reality just doesn't cut it for me. I'm flawed, just like everyone else.

So I'm back into my dream world after suffering from a momentary exile.

I've been dreaming up the following (in no particular order):

1. Study law next year (6 years all up)
2. Travel to Russia, Ukraine and Budapest in October 2011
3. Save to pay uni fees up front
4. Save to travel to 2.
5. New tattoos - sailing ships and possibly another one
6. Learn to speak Spanish
7. Go back to Barcelona
8. Get my EU passport so I have no restrictions when travelling

You can stop pretending now. I can see through the charade.

******************************************************************************

Thanks for your honesty today. I wasn't trying to be difficult.

******************************************************************************

I thought of you today. You got me into punk rock.

Did you see this?

As I randomly discuss my recent overseas travels with people I get asked whether I saw certain things in certain cities. And both times I've answered no. I get the impression the asker thinks I have missed out dearly on my experiences. No I didn't go to Versailles. To be honest I wasn't interested. I wasn't interested in seeing a monstrous palace with its gardens. I look at pictures and my reaction is 'meh'. Do I think I've missed out - not at all. Did I see the building with the elevators on the outside.... no. Do I think I've missed out - no. I stumbled across the Musee Carnavalet when I got lost. Now that was an experience. I loved it immensely. I wandered around with my mouth open going 'wow' looking at objects hundreds of years old. Finding that place was the highlight of my day. That was my experience.

Just because one person thinks something is a must see doesn't mean another thinks the same way. It also doesn't mean either person has missed out or had an experience better than the other person. To be honest I think I've realised now what it was about Paris that just didn't have me as enthralled and enchanted as I thought I would be. And that is that it is too pretty. It's just too pretty for me. I like earth, I like dirt, I like old, I like history, I like architecture, and whilst there is old and history and architecture in Paris, it's not really my version of old, history and architecture. Perhaps it's also a more rustic and down to earth experience that I like. When I was in Romania and we arrived in Bucharest I hated it. I hated being in a big city. I'd spent a week in the countryside and fell in love. I loved the simple way of life, I loved the food, I loved being in the mountains and away from it all, the clean fresh and crisp air in the morning, the fog laying over the mountains in the distance, the rain against a blackened night sky. I loved that people couldn't speak English as I tried to order some meat from the deli. I loved not worrying about what I wore or what I looked like. I just wanted to immerse myself in my surroundings and not leave.

We all have different wants and needs and desires. I'm satisfied with what I achieved. I had no expectations and I set no limits on myself. I did what I wanted to do and see what I wanted to see. For me. Not for anyone else. But for me.

Time to Mix It Up

Time for a change. Be bold, be different. Mix it up a bit.

Dreamweaver

No, not the Christopher Cross song. I've had a crazy thought. It will most likely end in NOTHING and my HUMILIATION but I like it and I'm going to give it a go. I knew at the time I should have done something but I didn't. Now I want to make up for it and try something a little crazy.

To be continued.......

I haven't even heard your band and I already think they're shit.

Somewhere over the rainbow

You know when you go to answer a question and you hesitate before answering and what comes out of your mouth as a result isn't the truth. I was asked a week ago if I was happy to be back. I hesitated a waivering 'yeah'. In truth, I'm not happy to be back. What seemed great a few months ago has withered away to nothing. I don't live well in reality and everything around me is SCREAMING REALITY. There's no fantasy world to retreat to... nothing I can conjure in my mind. It's all just... nothing. Hopeless. Trapped. Strangling. No way out. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I feel like all I get is one thing at a time. I can never get more than one thing at a time. And what I really want.... everyone else gets that but me. I'm over it, I'm sick of it, and I've given up. I just don't care anymore. I don't believe in it and I don't trust it. And that's probably why I never win. Not that it's a competition but I'm never first. I'm more than just a few seconds.

It's been two days and I'm miserable. I sat there today saying to myself 'I just don't want to do this anymore. I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to do billing ever again. I don't want to file EVER AGAIN, I just don't have it in me'. It's so relentless and repetitive and BORING and a waste of my time and skills and knowledge. I really feel like saying to them ' So, you pay me X dollars a month to spend four to five hours a week [if I actually had the time to do it weekly] to sort paper from a pile into smaller piles and then put them in date and time order, and then onto a file. You pay me THIS to do that?'. That's money down the shithole people. It's a waste of my time and your money.

I phoned A about a position today. I wanted to enquire about it. Find out some information before actually applying. It was like talking to the secret fucking service. You think I could get ANY information out of them. The chick on reception gave me nothing but a 'i'll get so and so to call you'. STILL WAITING PEOPLE. And you know what it is. It's not like I NEED them to call me, because I can tell you now I'm over qualified for their fucking job. I don't need to say 'oh please I can do this, please give me the job', I want to know about it to see whether I WANT them. It's not about me, it's about what they can do for me. What are you going to OFFER ME? I'm sure the girl who answered the phone thought I was some upstart or some arrogant fuck. Hence no phone call. Not the way I like to do business people. You want me, I'm here. Keep me waiting and I'm looking elsewhere.

My mobile rings at 16.50. Here's me thinking it's A and I'm contemplating letting it ring through. Blocked number. I answer it. Get it over and done with I think to myself. Oh hello, it's L from X calling. We were really impressed with your cv and whilst we've filled the position we don't get a candidate of your stature very often (they were a bit disappointed in the timing of my resume it seems - I sent it through after they'd made an offer to someone). We were wondering if you'd like to come in and have a chat to us about any further positions that we may have in the future'.

WOW. I have never in my life received a call like that before. EVER. They wanted me. They actually wanted me. They had actually taken my resume after the fact of filling a position and talked about me amongst their WorkCover group and made the decision to call me for anything future... and there may be something in a few months due to growth. I couldn't believe it. After rejection after rejection after rejection I've been feeling down and lost and whilst I know what I'm capable of and know how good I am, it's been a shot to my confidence. It really has. I want to be better than what I am. I can be better than what I am. I am better than what I'm doing now. I love thinking, I love being challenged, I love learning, I love gaining knowledge, I love analsying and problem solving and thinking critically and asking the questions. That's what I love about the law. The questions it asks of you. I miss that. I need that. I want that. If I can get that - that's what I'm after. It's not what I can do, it's what I can be given to achieve what I desire and crave. I get bored very easily - with people and with my life, including work. I need constant stimulation, mentally, emotionally, physically, intellectually. CHALLENGE ME!

So yeah, I'm going to have a chat. And because it's more informal I'm feeling really great about it. I don't have anything to lose, only to gain. If they don't like me then it's not meant to be. They were very accommodating in the meeting time so really, it's kind of me interviewing them. They already think I'm the goods (which I am) - they just need to show me what they have to offer.

And please note anything I say - I'm full of shit. I'm one big contradiction. I'm such an emotional person that I live by my emotions so I live by my heart and not my head. I'm also very impulsive, indecisive, and impatient. I say one thing yet I mean something different. I can come across harsh and mean but really, I only want [fill in the blanks].

I'm on a road to nowhere

Today I went back to that place I earn money. I had chest pains before I even entered the building. I was a horrible person there before my holiday. Really horrible. I'm surprised I lasted the whole day being happy. I got stressed at approximately 12.35pm. The amount of filing that is there to be done.... literally it's a 3 day job. And it's all the stuff I didn't have time for before I left PLUS what has accumulated over the past 4 weeks. I did not go to university to be a filing clerk at the age of 34. I fucking hate it. No, I detest it. Absolutely fucking detest it. Is it hard to put in a little extra work to get the work done? Obviously not. So it's up to me to try and get it done.

I've been thinking about going back into my 'specialty' that I can do hands down. Was seriously thinking of it. Applied for one position but was too late and they'd already made an offer to someone. There's another one going - plaintiff, but it's assisting a Senior Associate. Honestly, that's a step down from where I'm at. I was at that point 6 years ago. Hell, I was at that point longer than 6 years ago. And really, when I was thinking about it today, do I really want to go back to that constant client contact and phone calls of chasing medical reports and going around and around and around. What I loved about my last job was having the freedom to work on the files and have control and just 'run' them in my own way and let the lawyers do the legal side of things. The client contact is part of what killed it for me. Do I really want to take a step back? It's like a qualified doctor going back to being an intern. For what purpose? I'm beyond it all, it won't be a challenge and I'll just be swearing at the phone every time it rings saying 'oh fuck off and let me do my job' or 'who rings at this hour?'.

So I feel like I'm lucking out. I feel trapped with nowhere to go. I can't get a foot in the door in public sector. I tried, I fucked up my interview and now it'll be on record against my name every time I apply for a govt job. There's a great job going as a prison transfer review person. I would love something like that. But I told myself, don't bother wasting your time spending 6 hours on an application that they'll just reject and you won't even get an interview. I have no understanding or knowledge of the prison system or its legislation that is needed to be applied and I don't have a degree in criminal justice. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm stuck with no way out. Going back to PI is a step backwards unless I'm actually running the files as a lawyer (not qualified yet, hell haven't even been accepted yet as I haven't even put in my application). So that's out. Don't really want to be a PI assistant again - been there, done that. And working for anyone who is not a partner is a step backwards. I can do it, I'm damn good at what I do but could I do it again? I keep thinking the only option for me is to work for Maria again, but that may not be possible. She needs another 2 on board in order for me to stay on the wage I'm on.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I'm so looking forward to studying. I just need to be accepted. I'm confident I can pay my fees up front each semester to avoid another HECS debt (and thus reduce the amount in my pocket each wage as I won't be taxed higher to re-pay any HECS) AND I'm confident I can save enough to go to Russia, the Ukraine and Budapest next year in Uni holidays in October. It'll be more sacrificing financially but I'm pretty sure I can do it. Once I set my mind on something I get very determined and pretty much nothing stops me. Tell me I can't do something and I'll do it just to prove someone wrong. I'm very stubborn when I want to be.

So what to do, what to do? Maybe I will apply for the prisoner transfer reviewer position. Can't hurt. What's another rejection. Yes, yes I need to be more positive. Like I've said, I'm stubborn when I want to be and I persist until I know I've tried my hardest. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. At least i've tried.

Look what I found on the interwebs

I found this tonight. So I bought it.

Last night I slept properly for the first time all week. Sure I went to bed past 2am but when I finally made my way to dream land I slept until 10.30am uninterrupted. I hope I can sleep tonight as I return to work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I usually don't sleep well on Sunday nights. I also detest the 'welcome back' and I detest the 'how was your holiday?' comments. I'm not a bitch, I'm just private about my private life.