http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/world/silver-medal-olympic-aerial-skier-jeret-speedy-peterson-found-dead/story-e6frf7lf-1226102838046

This is incredibly sad. I hope he is in a better place and not hurting anymore. I know a lot of people say it's selfish for people to kill themselves, and I've never experienced losing someone by their own hand. I certainly don't want to be seen to be cold or uncaring or insensitive but this guy was clearly suffering and in a lot of pain emotionally and mentally. It takes a lot of courage I think to actually do the final act. It would be a very very dark place that someone would be in to do that in the majority of cases. I'm not sure that anyone could actually understand how dark that place is/was to understand or comprehend why someone would end their life.

Unfortunately some people can't get past that pain. It's incredibly saddening and heartbreaking - for the person themselves and their family and friends. Some people are lucky 'happy people' and others, just aren't as lucky in that area and have to work really hard at achieving that 'natural state'. I'm sad that this man died. I didn't know him, hadn't heard of him at all. But his pain, and not being able to overcome it is incredibly devastating.

Whatever you think is unfair in your life, or that you are being hard done by or why doesn't 'this' or 'that' ever happen to you?..... just think about what you do have. Feel lucky that you are lucky enough to be here on this planet, with all its human flaws and human achievements. Lucky enough that you have enough strength inside you to get up and walk out into the world when so many find that simple act of getting out of bed so difficult and debilitating.

I'm sad this man died. I'm happy that he has found his peace and will no longer suffer.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Make this god awful headache go away.... Please! Why is it more severe now? It's night time.

Having some chicken soup I made and watching Falling Skies. Then beddie byes.









- Posted from the depths of my mind.

It's rather warm today. Especially when you wear numerous layers and have hot yummy miso soup by the yarra.

Feeling a bit better but still thinking I'm behaving like an asshole. Why do I feel guilty for someone else's childish behavior!

I also know I place more expectations on someone than I do for other friends.

I'm trying I really am. I'm trying to get through this. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to love myself more. I wonder if I'm a fake sometimes. That I'm still hiding my fears - hiding part of myself because I'm so damned scared that if someone finds the real me....

I don't know. I can only do the best I can. I'm lonely. I just want comfort. I think that's what I've needed for a really long time.

Having said that I am really looking forward to my week away. So much!


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I'm not sure whether my dog is lonely or if he's trying to make me feel less lonely.

Miserable again.

Angry.

Feel ..... like you just don't give a shit.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

As an aside for today.... I'm seriously over the one person effort. Two people are required to make an effort, not one. You really care? You don't show it.

Bye.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Apparently what I need is satisfaction. What I do need is not to feel like this - or have moments of feeling like this. I guess I did good. I went for almost a week..... and then..... the truth hurts doesn't it? Yes, especially when it's my own truth. What I fear. The one thing I don't know if I'll be able to conquer.... unless I get an opportunity to try to conquer it. It scares the absolute everything out of me. It's my whole core being.....

_____________________

I've been so incredibly horrible lately. I despise myself when I'm like this. It's so unbecoming and ugly.

Sometimes it takes a situation of leaving to realise how much your very presence actually has on someone. I'm not sure that we as human beings really tell those we care about how much they do mean to us. A simple hi, how you doing? may seem like a waste of time but it can mean so much to someone who may be going through some hard times that you didn't even know about... one simple little caring message can mean the difference.

______________________

I've booked myself a short holiday. I'm not running away from anything. I just need a break and I need to do it alone.

R-dog and Bear in the Big Blue House. Bear used to dance and do the cha cha cha..... but has since retired from injury due to being in R-dogs mouth.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Which way to go

I have absolutely nothing to complain about or whine about or anything... my life is, really, awesome.

But I don't have you. I don't have the comfort I need, from you.

I'm torn in two right now. My head says WALK AWAY... NOW! and my heart is holding on as if I've been flung over the edge of a cliff and I'm holding onto a weed with all my strength that is allowing me to hold on.....

I'm miserable. Fucking miserable. I have been for... well this will be my third week in a row. Yay!

I'm sick of crying. Crying doesn't solve the problem. I should walk. I can only get through this if I walk. If I stay.... I'm just hurting myself over and over and over. If I could only be strong enough to get through it and be tough without hurting. How do you be friends with someone you are in love with? How is that possible? Can I see you and not want to kiss you or hold your hand or just wish you'd put your arm around me. Wish that when we said goodbye it wasn't a kiss on the cheek and a 'speak to you soon'. How do I not think about who it is you are seeing and who it is you may be sleeping with that isn't me?

It's not all about my heart. That yearning, aching feeling in my heart. It's what goes on in my head. Those thoughts that are so damaging and upsetting. Because you will be with someone else sooner than later. It won't be me and I don't think I can cope with that. Or pretend smile like thats' great you met someone.... to be with.... when you say you can't be with me.... It fucking sucks alright. I don't think you understand that part. Of course you want to be friends. I'm awesome and you know it and you don't want to lose that. You want to have your cake and eat it too.

But what do I get? Huh? Explain to me what I gain out of this?

I don't gain anything. I just lose. It hurts like hell whichever way I choose to go. I'm stuck in limbo, hurting. Do you hurt? For me?

Homemade minestrone soup made my me! My first ever minestrone too. So yum!


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

What to do what to do

A lot of thoughts are still going backwards and forwards and round and round in my head.

Last night was so incredibly upsetting. I thought I would of handled it better. Instead I fell apart. Completely.

Today I felt better. Now? Well now I'm just not sure I can do what I want to be able to do. I'm a heart girl not a head girl. I just don't know if I can. I want to try though. I'm just not sure, going in either direction, whether I will be able to open myself to the idea of anyone else. And that's even if I walk away. That's what is going to be the biggest challenge.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Today was a very bad day. I didn't cope well with it at all. I wanted to cry, scream, yell, kick, punch and destroy. I felt sadness, misery and a lot of anger mixed in. I was in one what I call a 'ropable' mood. basically stay out of my way lest you want my wrath. Looks could kill. Just leave me alone. Don't talk to me, don't ask me to do anything, just back away very slowly and then run for your dear life. It was just shithouse.

But I have the most wonderful friends. Rose without you I would be lost. You just get it and know what to say with your upfront honesty. I know you'll tell me straight how it is - how you see it to be. Samantha, my darling Samantha. You always support me even though I do things you tell me you'd prefer I didn't. Because you care. Rach, my best girl who has put up with me the longest. I can't tell you what's going on because my shit is just bullshit right now and is nothing compared to what you are going through. You just don't need my crap right now. Being able to speak to you tonight was the best thing. I miss you so much and you calmed me without even knowing what's wrong. Thank you for helping me when I needed it.

Lastly. Have you seen the moon tonight? Wherever you are in the world make sure you take a walk outside when it's dark and gaze up into the sky. You will see a crescent moon so bright with a soft shading of the whole moon filling it's circumference. Wow. If you are lucky enough to also have a black clear night sky the stars are almost close enough that if you reach real hard on tippy toes you might just be able to grab one. But don't hold on too long, remember to hold it in your palm long enough that you feel its touch and warmth and glow and then release it back for someone else to share in.

Whatever happens it will be ok.





- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Kate and Jamie

I love this photo. I think it's awesome all these young ladies were bridesmaids.

A three day reception. Hell yeah!

Check out the grooms shoes..... rock n' roll baby. Love it.

Wishing you both a loving, happy, fulfilling and long lasting marriage.

Minor football analysis

Magpies march on their merry way

July 3, 2011 - 5:03PM

Collingwood's Dane Swan gets his kick away despite pressure from Hawthorn's Kyle Cheney (left) and David Hale at the MCG. Photo: Sebastian Costanzo

COLLINGWOOD 4.4 8.7 13.10 15.16 (106)
HAWTHORN 0.4 2.4 6.6 9.11 (65)
Goals: Collingwood: T Cloke 3 D Jolly 2 L Brown 2 S Wellingham 2 A Fasolo B Reid D Thomas J Blair L Ball L Davis.Hawthorn: L Breust 2 S Mitchell 2 B Whitecross D Hale L Franklin L Shiels P Puopolo.
Umpires: C Donlon, S Meredith, S Jeffery.
Crowd: 83,985 at MCG.

Collingwood crushed top-four rival Hawthorn by 41 points in a powerful display in their round-15 clash at the MCG today.

The injury-hit Hawks kicked only two goals in the first half as the second-placed Magpies eventually won 15.16 (106) to 9.11 (65) in front of 83,985 fans.

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Collingwood beats undermanned Hawthorn

Collingwood's Harry O'Brien gives Hawthorn's Lance Franklin the slip at the MCG.Photo: Sebastian Costanzo

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Star forward Lance Franklin contributed one goal and was sent to an onball role before limping off with an ankle injury in the last quarter in a bitter blow for the Hawks.

Midfielders Scott Pendlebury, Dane Swan and Dale Thomas ran riot for the defending premier, which improved its win-loss record to 12-1, while the fourth-placed Hawks suffered their fourth loss in 14 games.

Travis Cloke kicked three goals for the Magpies.

Hawks skipper Luke Hodge was best-afield in defence with 40 possessions in a losing side.

Hawthorn's short-kicking game plan failed to produce a first-quarter goal against Collingwood’s defensive press as the Magpies grabbed a 24-point lead at the first break.

The Hawks were panicked into making poor decisions going into attack again in the second term.

Collingwood added another four goals, including Sharrod Wellingham’s effort after the siren, to lead 8.7 (55) to 2.4 (16) at half-time.

Hawthorn's two-goal tally was their lowest half-time score for 2011 and its final score was the first time the Hawks had failed to kick 10 goals in a match this season.

The Hawks brought on substitute player Clinton Young in the third term for Chance Bateman (ankle injury).

Tall defenders Jordan Lisle and Josh Gibson were both taken from the field looking groggy after suffering friendly fire from Hawthorn teammates, although Gibson soon returned with a bruised eye.

Collingwood led by 59 points late in the third term before two Hawthorn goals cut the margin to 46 points at three-quarter time.

As the tempo of the match slowed in the final term, the Magpies added another 2.6 to the brave Hawks' 3.5.

Hawthorn missed its tall defenders, with Ryan Schoenmakers, Stephen Gilham and Ben Stratton on the injured list.

Forwards Cyril Rioli and Jarryd Roughead, midfielder Brad Sewell and the suspended Jordan Lewis were also unavailable.

The Hawks host Brisbane in Launceston on Saturday and the Magpies face North Melbourne at the MCG next Sunday

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Geez the media shit me. Let's talk Hawthorn up shall we? They were woeful. Top 4? Pah! They were useless. Their 'short kicking' plan.... for a losing side they had way more possessions than the winning team. I think that needs to be discussed. It needs to be highlighted. Who is coaching this mob. Hey boys, just make sure you use the ball a lot, get a lot of possessions and that'll mean we win. Um no Clarkey. No. Hawks for the past X years have always overused the ball. Does no-one else pick this up? Handball, handball, handball, oh short kick. Learn how to play the game FFS. You need to KICK LONG. They don't because they don't create enough space.... hence their high possession tally. Or the plan of going sideways... I reckon they racked up about 10 possessions just going sideways. This didn't gain them any ground at all, just 10 possessions for going 15 metres sideways and then across the field sideways again. Well done. Great work. (note sarcasm).

Luke Hodge best afield... don't irritate me. The reason he got 40 touches (quality too I'm sure) is because of the amount of time the ball was in Hawthorn's defence. I'm sure his disposals were only limited to inside their defensive 50 - as in where his disposals went did not exceed breaking through the 50 meter barrier). It's easy to get 40 touches when the ball is always in your area. It's not rocket science. It certainly does not make him 'best afield' just because he got 40 touches. And how exactly could he be 'best afield' when he's in defence and the opposition kick 15 goals on your team? Um.... not really doing a great job of it is he? Mmmmm no.

Also, The Age writer person you forgot to mention Jaryd Blair who was outstanding across ground and my second B.O.G. He was everywhere and fantastic. Ben Reid in Pies defence.... I'll give you 3rd best Reidy you were great.

B.O.G. There is only one man. Travis Cloke. Sure he kicked 3 goals... but his marking (during the 4th stats were 8 marks, 8 kicks (3 goals, not bad from 8 kicks), his chasing, his tackling... second to none. He was outstanding. He is outstanding. Not to mention he had at least 5 inside 50's to top off his 3 goals. I have no-idea what his goal assists were.

I'm saying it now. Travis Cloke is THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER AT COLLINGWOOD. Not Pendlebury, Not DT, Not Swan. Travis Cloke. He is the key. He is No. 1.

But oh yes, the Hawks were depleted by injury. No the Hawks were terribly average. They had Mitchell, Hodge and Buddy. Whoever that 9 is for them.. he had a lot of the ball. He was very useful today. More useful that Buddy. Go for a hard ball sunshine, you might get a touch. They have a long way to go to be Top 4 material. The difference between the Top 2 and the remaining 2 to make the Top 4 is quite noticeable. There is a noticeable gap between 3 and 4 compared to 1 and 2.

I'm a bit sad that we are at Round 15 already. It's gone so quick.

Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/afl/afl-news/magpies-march-on-their-merry-way-20110703-1gx0p.html#ixzz1R1yT38Lf

July Horoscope

What would you do if you were somebody else? Where would you go? How would you behave? You cannot possibly answer this question. You have no idea. You can only be yourself. Why, then, do you sometimes feel inclined to emulate the examples of others? Or even to assume that their ideas and actions are worth more than your own? Without becoming arrogant, and whilst remembering that it is important to listen and be sensitive, it is imperative to trust your own judgement in July. You're about to make a once in a lifetime choice. So be wise.

__________________________

I keep going backwards and forwards on a decision I've already made. I guess that's because it's a decision I never wanted to make and stupidly thought/hoped/fantasised/romanticised that everything would turn out awesome instead. I wonder if I've cut the rope too soon? Perhaps if I held on to it for longer what was on the other end would come to me. I don't want this. It's incredibly upsetting and it hurts. I feel like something inside of me has been taken out and it's just hollow and empty. Like driving down a deserted road in a big city and there is no-one. It's all gone. I want to take back what I've done. But then I ask myself 'would anything be different if I did?'. No. It would still be the same. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what other choice I have. I feel what I feel and I can't change that. I just think of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Even if I could erase my memories of you and our times together I don't want to. Because everytime was so wonderful. Why would I want to forget that? Why would I want to forget good times. Just because it hurts now? No. I wish things were different. I have everything. I'm a spoiled brat with everything but the one thing I want the most. It just sucks but that's how it goes. I'll get through it. I know that. I've already been to hell and back and I fought that battle. The battles don't get any easier, I just have better coping methods now. So I never have to go back to hell again. I'm proud of that. What I went through to come out the other side. I hope no-one else ever has to go through what I did. It's soul destroying. I knew 2011 was going to be a poignant year for me. Finally. It's been pretty great so far. Despite the inner turmoil I still go through. I can walk with my head held high and a smile on my face (not that I feel like smiling right now, I don't and can't) knowing that I've made certain steps to confront my fears and insecurities and I've made so much progress. I still have a long way to go but I've stepped over that invisible line that has held me back for so long - myself - and started the journey forward. I really want you to be there next to me as I continue forward. Still. No matter what I say or do I still want that.