Cuddles

Feeling a bit better. I would estimate I'm running at about 70%. I would say the past month I've been running at 50%. So improvement is being made.

I need to do what needs to be done despite not wanting to do it. Every day I'm feeling stronger although it will be very difficult to deal with when the time comes.

I really must get onto my next assignment. I'm kinda leaving it to the last minute and I want to achieve an A so HELLO get onto it! So much reading needs to be done first (and an understanding of it). I'm confident though that I'll get it done. It's only 2,000 words so it's not a huge assignment. The only 'huge' thing about it is actually writing it. That takes time itself.

I feel like I'm becoming so boring. Not going out and just studying... although I've been busy every weekend really. This weekend I'm staying in to work on my assignment. Footy on Saturday and that's it. I love my nights in with the hound dog. He sits next to me and it's really nice.

Oh I'm reading this awesome new book. I've been starting and then stopping books lately. I guess I've wanted to read this one for a wile. I've got this thing about arctic stories. I'm reading a book about a diphtheria epidemic in this remote Alaskan town called Nome in the early 1900's. The town is completely cut off during their winter and the town has no diphtheria anti-toxin because the order was never filled when requested by the town's doctor. So... an action plan is devised to travel across the frozen landscape with the dog teams to get the medicine to save all the young children from dying and to stop the spread of the disease.

So yeah I'm only a few chapters in but I love books like this. I'm really enjoying it and it's not a fun subject matter but I guess it's the adventure and challenge and the risk and all of that.

I've just read the most loveliest message from a girl I met in my
course. It's just really lovely and makes me feel special.

Love.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I feel dejected and rejected. I cannot shake this feeling and I'm really sick of it. Whoever you are, powers that be of Life, I was doing so well. You know this. You saw how happy I was. How, for the first time, I was finally ME. You saw all this and what did you do? You found the cloaked figure and put me back in the ring with it. To punch me down, down, down. I keep getting up on my feet, I'm fighting back but it's a repetitive boxing match. No one is winning. It's just the same. Stagnant. Flat. Unfeeling. Sadness.

AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF FEELING LIKE THIS!

I am trying and trying to get out. I get nothing but nothing - no replies, or a rejection. I cannot do this. I just cannot. I wake up with no joy. I spend the day breathing no joy. I go to sleep with no joy. Why have you taken it away from me? I am sick of being tested. Just let me be happy and let me stay happy.

In answer to your question you are trying to teach me or have me learn I just don't have the answer ok. I just don't know how to answer it. I know you are doing this to force me and until I do understand and acknowledge these things you won't relent. I just don't know ok. I don't know what to say. I don't know what the words are. I don't know how to feel that. I can feel everything else, but that. It has eluded me my whole life. I'm trying to figure it out but I need someone to tell me. I just need to be told.

I need some love right now

I'm just not going to get it from you though, am I.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Yesterday was good but of course today I've drifted back to fantasy land. It's so nice and cosy and UNREAL there. Saturday is the big test. Even then I know what must be done.

I finished my first proper assignment tonight. I really don't have any idea if what I have done is 'correct'. However, to achieve a grade of less than 75% (well I've scored myself at 77%) will be disappointing. Yes I'm setting myself a high standard.

I'm so hungry. I've lost weight, my anxiety has returned, and I'm not taking care of myself. If I go to bed before 11pm tonight it will be the first night in a while... I'm so tired too.

I still want what I want.

Holiday. Want to go even though it's way more than I wanted to pay.

Elizabeth Taylor died today. She was so beautiful. If she had plastic surgery whoever her surgeon was, wow she looked fantastic even in her seventies. What a beautifully gracious woman. So she had 8 husbands. Good on her for being able to love so many times again. I admire that. It's not something I'm able to do as I just fuck it up every time.

Time for beddy byes.

You know I think I'm really good at creating an illusion. I did it today. I put on the mask and away I went. Silently I was so empty and flat and I just wanted to cry. When it's needed I'm whoever you want me to be.

Sad, miserable, depressed - all those things you won't see.

This is the first time I've really come to this decision and it hurts. It's why I feel like this. I know I won't feel like this forever but at the moment I do and I will for a while longer.

I love you and I'll miss you.

I'm sorry.

I have to say goodbye.

It's not what I want but it's what needs to be done.

Still feeling blegh but I know it'll pass - eventually.

Not sure I'm cut out for this degree. I can't discipline myself to concentrate for hours on end. I can only do a few hours a night... if that. I still haven't finished week 3 readings for Legal Process and oops it's now week 5. Yay! With an assignment due in less than one month and another due this Friday. Am I stressing? No. I know I'll get it done.

I'm seriously miserable at work. Sometimes I can be fine in the morning and by the time I get to Flinders Street my mood has dropped. I'm in limbo.

I keep looking at Russia. As if that is going to magically make everything better.

Time will tell. It's almost April. I think this is the fastest year so far.

Depressed.

I'm so behind in my studies. I'm starting to question if I can really do this. I don't know if I can. Well I can, I just don't have enough time to do it.

STP were great. I had such a good time. I saw nearly everyone I knew that was there and ran into an old school friend. Really good night. I just wanted to spend more of it with you.

Managed to have a major anxiety attack. I'm sure a few people thought I was being a rude bitch at the time but you have no idea what I was going through at those exact moments. I hate that I can't control them. It's not a matter of 'breathing it out'. It just overtakes me and I have no control and just have to deal with it then and there. So my lack of talking is me trying to re-set my brain.... and losing big time.

I need to be at the beach right now.

Money vs Mental Stimulation

I'm feeling rather miserable at the moment.

Seeing certain situations improve for friends and I'm left asking myself, why am I still waiting?

Do I have to be a little bit more patient? I'm losing hold of my patience grip.

I feel like I just want to be left alone.

Seriously bored. I want to be home. It's a long weekend and whilst I doubt I would even be going out in stuck here with nothing to do. Alone.

I did manage a swim tonight. First time this whole trip. It was lovely. It's a shame our water in Vic is so cold- even in summer.

It's only 1931pm and I'm ready for bed. Blegh. My only entertainment is the WRC!!! Which I bloody well love!!! Sebastien is still killing it.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Currently trying to cram one weeks worth of reading into one night and I'm rather tired. Luckily this topic is on 'Legal Writing' and given I've completed a degree I have prior experience in writing essays and referencing so I'm skimming parts

Today was great. We did a mock trial. I was on the defence team and we split into groups to each discuss specific aspects of the case. My group had the issue of assault to deal with. It was a good process and interesting to see what other members had to say even if alot of the time it was not of relevance or more relevant to an issue an other group was discussing. The issue of assault became interrelated to other aspects of yhe case but we were only concerned with assault. We designated one person to speak on our defence of assault and then were told we had to have two people. Another woman suggested I should speak also because I came up with a defence to the assault charge specifically relating to spitting. Our other speaker Adam came up with a defence of our client's liberty being infringed upon. What was really uplifting was that in the judges decision both of these aspects were upheld as part of a decision to find our client guilty of assault but by reason of self defence for both arguments made by Adam and myself and no offence recorded against our client.

I thought our group as a whole did exceptionally well in covering all aspects of the case and the mitigating factors. Every group performed really well in their understanding of the issues and in the research undertaken on the day.






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Uni

A few things because whilst it is only 20.06pm qld time (21.06pm Melb time) I'm rather tuckered out.

Today at uni was great. I really enjoyed the first half. The second half was tough to get through in that we had no break and were feeling quite tired. We had to do a group exercise and I really enjoyed that and thought our group did really well in how we went about the exercise and each of us contributed. I also contributed in class twice and felt good about what I said too.

I went to the pub afterwards with the group and enjoyed mself there and met some more fellow students. I found it really interesting to find out what people are doing and what their background is and why they are studying.

It's been a tiring day. I wanted to go for a swim but the pool wasn't warm enough for me. Maybe I'll get a beach swim in tomorrow although the weather isn't that flash - neither is yhe pool.

I'm lying in bed reading my book and hoping to get further updates on yhe footy as the night progresses.

I miss my hound dog though.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Whilst I didn't read the article, I only read the headline I find it disturbing that there is police footage available and being shown (apparently) of the police going through Judy Moran's house - obviously searching her property under a search warrant.

How does this benefit the public?

What does showing this footage do to improve social justice?

It doesn't. It's just some sensationalist way of feeding the public's desire for the 'gangland war' fascination that Melbournian's have. I find it an abuse of process and power and I'm actually personally disappointed and disgusted it's even out there for public viewing. Why? Who cares? Who gives a shit about watching some police officer scour through someone's home for evidence.

YAWN FUCKING YAWN.

Are we, as human beings, so devoid of thought or care about stimulating ourselves in our own personal lives that the lives of other people dominate our existence more than our own existence? It's fucking pathetic.

It's all these reality TV shows... GET A FUCKING LIFE! GET YOUR OWN FUCKING LIFE!

As for Charlie Sheen.... WHO FUCKING CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't. Why do you? Because your life is so boring that he provides entertainment for your small mind? I do not care what he does in his own time with his whores and his drugs and his drinking. As long as he's not being violent or hurting other people. I guess that's actually saying I do care.. on these assumptions...

Seriously, this world is going to shit and has been for a long time.

I'm exhausted. Today was exhausting. It's like delving into the deep dark depths of the ocean and pulling out something from the bottom of the ocean that you didn't even know or realise existed. Exhausting.

I'm starting to doubt my abilities regarding my degree and it's only week 3. Working and studying is going to be damn hard. These subjects aren't even hard and I'm already behind. I'm not overly concerned at this stage but I have got to STOP with the social activities. Seriously, one night a week is all I should be allowing myself. I'm off to the GC tomorrow. Workshops start Fri-Mon. I haven't even finished my homework. Tomorrow before I go- but I don't even have time.

I'm tired. Exhausted. I just want to sleep. I've had two late nights in a row. Both nights I've had interrupted sleep. I just want to have time off work to study. Negative. Cannot afford to do so. Must be more diligent with my time.

I'm also at the point of giving up/walking away from something. I can't do it anymore. Stupidly I'm giving it some more time but I know in my heart it's not going to turn out the way I want it to. Hope is not it's all cracked up to be. Hope = hurt.

Still feeling weird. It's been a week and a half- almost.

Saw Henry Rollins again tonight. No idea how many times I've seen his spoken word shows. Maybe 7. I enjoyed it all except Korea.

I feel at the moment like I need to be alone. But then again I feel I'll get lost if I do that. Detached.

I miss you. I never even really get to see you, but I miss you. Just hearing your voice.

Need to sleep but I'm not tired. I tend to finally fall asleep and ten wake up after what feels like 2 or 3 hours of sleep. Toss and turn until the alarm goes off.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I was super productive today. Alas I didn't take the hound to the dog beach as I had planned.

However, I did re-organise the second bedroom. I got rid of the big bulky free standing trolley wardrobe and move in the 'new' but old wardrobe I got from Sam and Dave. I cleaned out the room, washed all the linen on the bed, vacuumed the entire floor. It looks great. There is so much more room in there now and it looks like a proper room. Not just a room with a bed and full of junk!

I cleaned out the back room a little bit. I still have work to do in there but it looks better than what it did. I also re-arranged my room too. Just for something different. Change it up a bit.

I got a ton of photos (well a few) printed but they'll be picked up tomorrow. Mainly of my last trip. I hope they all turn out well.

I made dinner, did the dishes, vacuumed the whole house, did some more washing. I mowed the lawn yesterday and did a bit of weeding. I finished my LRW studies for the week but I'm behind in Legal Process. I just needed to have the time to sort out my house and I'm happy with how it looks. Still got a while to go.

This week is busy. Tomorrow night I've got Henry Rollins. Tues I scored free tix to a screening of a film on the Great Ocean Walk at Fed Square but if I don't have anyone to go with I think I'll just go home. I need to study!!! Wed study and then Thursday I fly out to the Gold Coast for a 4 day workshop! Too busy.

I just had a bath for the first time in about 8 years maybe.

Bubble bath, a glass a juliete moscato from T'Gallant I bought a year ago and the sounds of Suede in the background.

It was lovely but hound dog kept interrupting. I think he felt a little left out.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

If, in a dream, you see a shooting star and make a wish on the star will the wish come true? Even though it was in a dream?

More weird dreams. I don't like them. I interpret them as I just have to walk away. What I want I will not get so just give up and stop fighting for it.

Soundwave was awesome. I actually wasn't that looking forward to it and thought about sleeping the whole day because I'm just so damn tired (when I get the opportunity to sleep in that is).

Got there in time for Monster Magnet. I saw them years ago in the late 90's when they toured with Tumbleweed. Not that I remember the gig much. MM were somewhat disappointing. They lacked life and energy and their songs were rather boring. The only two that I knew were good, but that's because I know them. The sound was not loud enough either.

Then onto Devildriver. Well I heard them anyway. It was a chance to find my friends, get some food, sit down and listen to some tunes. Then we disembarked and it was onto Social Distortion who I was looking forward to seeing. I really wanted to go in the pit and throw my body around but no-one to mind my baggy. Oh well, I had fun watching. I left SD after 20 or so minutes to catch Dimmu Borgir. Holy shit, they looked like they had just walked out of (or into) the apocalypse.

I saw a little bit of One Day as a Lion (Yawn!), ended up sitting down and chatting with a friend during 30 Seconds to Mars (Jared Leto's band). They didn't do anything for me, not my kind of music but the kids seemed to love it). Slayer were amazing!!!! I loved their music not really know any of it aside from Reigning Blood which they played and was fucking awesome.

Rob Zombie was good, I didn't think great. Sure I danced the whole time and had a good time but I don't think he was 100% up to par. He talked a little too much (given he didn't have a huge time on stage) and the solo from his guitarist during the last song was unnecessary (given it was shite). But he was good and I enjoyed it. Living Dead Girl was a whole beat too slow. It was like they fucked it up (him and the band) and were playing catch up with each other the whole way through the song. He didn't seem able to keep up with the music. But it takes a lot to sing and run around a stage.

Melvins were AWESOME!!! I thoroughly enjoyed their set completely. Never heard their music only knew about them since the days of Nirvana and knowing Melvins were a huge influence on them. I am so glad to say that I have seen them live. Two drummers and two bassists. Fucking awesome.

Then for the complete highlight and BEST BAND OF THE DAY.........

THE BRONX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man they rocked my socks off!!!! I jumped around and thrashed my head around the whole entire set (except for one song that was a wee bit slower). I loved them. Hardcore is me for sure. I love it!!! Even though I don't know much about it. It gets me going for sure. It's probably why I'm not feeling the greatest today. Feel like I'm coming down with a cold. Their performance was fantastic. The singer crowd surfing and singing at the same time, love that shit!

Saw the end of Iron Maiden - last 2-3 songs. They certainly can deliver that's for sure. They put on a great show but yeah, I'm happy with the last 2 songs. An hour of that I would not be able to handle. But I can say I've seen them, albeit 2 songs.

So much study to do this weekend. A whole week worths in 2 days.

Detachment/devoid of feeling

I had an overwhelming sense of detachment from the world today. Devoid of feeling. It was a day I have felt before but with difference this time. I cannot say with precise accuracy why I felt the way I did, I can only summise that it was a delayed emotional response to yesterday.

I felt inside completely exhausted emotionally. As if I had spent the night before crying heavily and expelled so much energy there was nothing but a dead weight left. I was devoid of emotion. I however was not concerned by this. It was what it was. It would stay with me for yhe day and tomorrow is a new day.

I do not like feeling like this. At all. It is suffocating and depressing. I at least know now that it will pass

Walking to work I had a vision in my mind. Sunshine across a vast field. A field laden with yellowish grass that spans for miles, with mountains and hills surrounding. A little hut from which I walk out from into yhe warmth of the sunshine, yet the air has that crisp freshness of the morning to it. I am wearing a brown jacket that may have wool on the inside to keep me warm. Hound dog is there too running about and looking back at me with his tongue hanging out his mouth panting away, he's so happy to be where we are. We are in mongolia. A simple existence. A happy existence. I would love to experience that. For a month. Just simplicity. Getting up and being with nature, reading, cooking food, helping on a farm of some sort and have raider there with me. That would be a most fabulous and rewarding experience.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone