Naw to be in so happy in love.

I've always liked Kate. She is so beautiful.

I wanted to be her when I was growing up. I adored them.

The magic 8 ball lies. Stupid pretend oracle!

Still contemplating my life. I guess really it's just one day at a time.

One thing I do know for certain - I feel so much better when I'm with my friends.

Shhhhh I'm being naughty

I can't show her face because she's a dentist, but this is one of my favourite shots from a photoshoot I did with her over Easter. She's a ballerina.

One episode to go....

I think, but I'm not sure... I think Brutus kills Caesar in the Senate... *oh my - what brutality*

How brutal is this show though. I was watching the last ep in bed with the hound and geez I had to put my hand over my mouth.... brutal indeed. Scared the hound dog even.

Blegh blegh blegh.

Powers that be, forces of nature, whatever the fuck governs our lives and living things WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A FUCKING CRUNT?

I just don't know anymore. One day is ok. The next is not. Where is the continuum?

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. Just lie to me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Ok?

I just don't know what to do (with myself).

my boy

One day left. What have I achieved..... NOTHING! *round of applause*.

I lack motivation. I need someone to get me going. Or to actually do things with really.

It would be lovely to take a drive somewhere with Raider and have lunch in a cafe outside in the sun.... but alone..... Yeah, that doesn't really appeal to me. I'm a bit over doing the loner thing.

Picking up the camera again tomorrow. It's been forever. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm free now to direct a movie
Sing a song or write a book about yours truly
How I'm so interesting I'm so great I'm really just a fuck-up
And It's such a waste to burn down these wall around me
Flexing like a heartbeat we don't like to speak
Don't talk to me for about a week I'm sorry it just hurts to explain
There's something going on that makes my guts ache

Morphine. I'm Free.

Less talk. More action.

Learning

Today was a bit hard. Heard some things I didn't want to hear. I wanted to just leave. But I didn't.

Day by day......

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Date night! It's been forever.

In bed about to watch Love and Other Drugs.

And you thought I was out with a boy. Bahahahah that shit just doesn't happen to me.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My super awesome book that I'm reading. It's about a town in Alaska called Nome that suffers a diptheria epidemic in 1925. Cut off from the world during a blistering cold winter and without any antitoxin a race against time to bring in antitoxin by dog sled begins.

It's a damn good read and I'm loving it. 70 odd pages to go. I really enjoy stories like this - arctic cold stories of will and survival. Where you get a feel for yhe people at the time and you really warm to them in their journey.

There's another book I found on the interwebs about a Russian ship that gets stranded in the arctic for 3 years and the seamen survive this living on the ice. Really want to read that.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I'm done. I'm over the word count (by about 100) but I don't care. I cannot believe I left it to the last minute. 20 hours I spent this weekend. 20 hours!! I have barely eaten today. I had yum cha frozen stuff about 2 or 3 hours ago and juice all day. That's it.

It's now 12.21 AM and my eyes are tired from looking at this screen all day. The only rest I've had was to put Sons of Anarchy on the tele at 8.30 and even then I was still doing my assignment. It was such a beautiful weekend and I didn't even leave the house. I sat outside today for a bit in the sun - doing my assignment. I so hope Easter is good weather because I've missed out. Not that I'm complaining - I'm not. I just hate not enjoying the sunshine when it's there to be enjoyed. It won't last long.

Sleepy time. Urgh... work tomorrow. Blegh.

I had really fucked up dreams this morning.

I was in an Eastern European country (maybe Croatia?), it was night time and we were looking for somewhere to eat. Something local. We went into the restaurant and were walking down a corridor that was painted light blue. It was my mum, my nanna and myself. Then mum and nanna were in this room off the corridor and the man who was leading us grabbed me around my waist and tried to shut the door on mum and nanna and I'm kicking against the wall and trying to pull on the door to save myself. I get taken away.

Another part of the dream I'm in some compound with high walls and there's someone else with me. Maybe it was Rach. We're trying to escape. I manage to get over the wall and run into town and try and find a cafe that the bad men won't think I've gone into. Rach comes out afterwards (but she's got long black hair and is in a long bathrobe). I grab her and we run into this posh eatery place. The men are still out looking for us.

We run out into the streets and there's white mini vans taking tourists around the traps. We jump in (or at least I'm in the van). I start asking where the van is taking people... it's full of women.. they say it goes out into the mountains... I try to get out... I don't want to go to the mountains it's too far away. I ask if the women are going to be used as sex slaves... yes... but they don't mind. I jump out of the moving van.

There was also one scene where I was a swimming pool and I had to race. I was in the water after everyone else and behind. I couldn't use both of my arms to swim freestyle like normal and then breathe so I had to swim with my head under the water the whole time - magically I was breathing underwater (only in dreams).

21 Jump Street is on the tele.

Where's my Johnny Depp?

Good looking, intelligent, impeccable dress sense, funny, loves music and the arts, great personality blah blah blah.

Fuck I have too many words for my assignment. Somehow Ive hit 1547. 2000 ain't enough! Eeep!!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Study time.

Lesson learned. NEVER procrastinate over an essay again. I am too far behind. Marathon effort required tonight and tomorrow.

I can do it though.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I love coming home and looking up at the black night sky with all the stars shining so brightly like silver sparkles.

I can('t) wait for my 4 nights down the beach with Raider in November where the sky is so black at night and there's a trillion more stars sparkling.



My votes for tonight.
Round 4. Richmond vs The Mighty Pies. Coll smashed Bitchmond by 71 points.

Collingwood .... 1 vote ... D Thomas

Collingwood.... 2 votes... T Cloke

Collingwood .... 3 votes.... D Swan

Special mention Leroy Brown for a stellar second half and JB (Blair) for a great first half.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I finally got my results for my first assignment. I'm wondering why I'm doing this stupid degree. What do I really want? Just to prove that I can do what the lawyers at work do. That I'm just as good as them and not just some shitty secretary who does shitty work all day.

I'm really disappointed and somewhat annoyed at myself. Whilst I did proof read and thought I'd sorted out all my referencing.. there were too many referencing errors that cost me good marks. Stupid little things too. I did check, honestly I did.... but they were there, screaming at me. MISTAKES. Mistakes that cost me dearly. Mind you I adhered to the Style Guide for my footnoting which was wrong..... so I'm pissed off at that. I follow their instructions and hey, guess what, I'm wrong. I followed the examples given and nope, I should have followed the AGLC instead. Whatever. At least now I know for the future.

I achieved 28/40. 70%. Not good enough. I can do better and I'm disappointed. Especially where I see the areas I let myself down in. Stupid stupid stuff that have cost me. The way the uni grades work is that 70% is a credit. It's not a B. It's a bloody C. 75% or more is a Distinction (B). That is what I am aiming to achieve. At the moment I'm sitting on 73% overall. My next assignment is worth 55% which means I'll need to achieve probably 80% or more to achieve a Distinction overall in Legal Research and Writing. That's a bit of pressure to achieve. If I don't achieve it I'll be disappointed with myself. I'm not a C student. High school yes. University NO.

As for Legal Process, I doubt I'll be achieving a Distinction but I have to stay focused and positive. Maybe I can pull it off if I focus and really put in the effort.

Time to do that now.

Hound dog is on the floor beside my bed sleeping. I can hear his short heavy breaths. It's beautiful.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

671 words. Only 1329 to go.

I don't think 2000 is going to be enough. I haven't even got to the core elements yet! I swear I haven't been waffling.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I've learnt a lot about myself the past 2 days. Specifically, my own selfishness.

Growing up an only child has contributed, or I would even say is, the main cause for my selfishness. I have not had the privilege of knowing what it is like to have someone else there that I have to think about. When you're an only child you get everything. You ask, you shall receive. In a privileged household that is. But just generally - conversations, communication, interaction.... just me. I'm still learning these basic and fundamental things. Does that not beg the question 'but am I not aware of others?'. Of course I am. I always put others first before me. Sometimes though I cannot differentiate between Myself and Another - specifically needs and wants.

I was rather gung-ho about a particular issue and then something else came up and I held off. The next day I read my horoscope (as I do every day) and it told me to really have a think about my actions. About what I was proposing to do. Because it's up to me to CHOOSE how I behave and act and react. I can go ahead with it but it will go one way... a not very good way. I held off and today I got the result I've been wanting for some time now.

It's not all about me. The world does not revolve around me (thank goodness!). I am not forgotten or less loved or less thought of or less wanted.... it's just not about me so stop thinking about ME.

It's been a good lesson to learn. It's opened my eyes up more and I'm grateful for that.

Super goodness chicken soup


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I really do feel like giving up. One person is looking forward to seeing the things I will do - after I finish. That is so lovely. Even having strangers say 'don't give up'.

I'm not a quitter. I've never been a quitter. I'm a fighter. I just need to be confident in my ability. I also need to not be so hard on myself and to not have high expectations... for expectations can only lead to disappointment.. (trouble and seat wetting.... oh wait, that's heavy petting - thought of Rocky Horror when typing 'lead to disappointment').

It's now 9.10pm. I'm still sick. I've had no dinner (chicken soup and fresh bread is to be eaten.... Geeves, please bring tonight's dinner into the formal lounge room for dining) and MUST get on to this assignment (Geeves... punch out an A essay will you, remember not to plagiarise but sign my name at the bottom). Even if it's going to be a shitty assignment I need to do it to finish it and submit it by Sunday. So, just like in Starsky and Hutch (and like Shell and I kept saying around Eastern Europe)... DOO IIT! Dooo Iiiit!

I love my dog, mofo sits right in front of the heater... hog.

I wish I could go back and respond differently to what I did today. Selfish. I'm sorry. I'm sad and disappointed. Angry this is happening. To you. I want to destroy things and punch things and hurt things. I want it to go away. I want to take it all away. I can't imagine what you are thinking and feeling and wanting right now.

Love.

In my sleep last night I managed to take a piece of skin off the side of my nose. I wondered why my nose had blood on it this morning.

I did the same thing to my eyelid a few weeks ago too. Digging my nails into my skin in my sleep. Whoops.

I very much dislike being sick. I get whiny when I'm sick. That annoying chid like 'i'm siiiicckk'.

Today was alright. I woke up with a better attitude then wondered if I'd made the right decision. I may have pissed some people off in my decision. But hey, put it this way. If the contract was right from the get go I might be regretting signing it. Or I might be feeling the opposite. I'm outta there!!!! Instead someone elses incompetence made me stay.

Barely worked on assignment tonight. It's utter shit. It's about C material, definitely not of a high standard. I also don't get the results of my first assignment until this Friday - maybe. I was meant to get results last Friday, then this Monday.... not impressed.

Looking forward to the weekend. Footy friday then home all weekend to finish assisgnment. Next weekend off!! Maybe.

I'm seriously broke. Like seriously. I am not allowed to buy anything aside from food and petrol and all my bills. It's April and I get paid friday and my whole pay is GONE already. Gone. Already eaten up. Pissed with myself at that.

Off to sleepy land. Hopefully I won't dig more holes in my face tonight whilst out of it. Muppet.

Ooh yeah new muppet movie Jan 12.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I think everything is going to be OK

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Gem in Collingwood


Rose Street Fitzroy



The lane opposite Faster Pussycat, Gertrude Street Fitzroy


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I feel really good about myself today. I've made a decision that I'm really happy with. I sought some advice to back up my own thoughts and I've executed those thoughts and my decision.

I'm not going anywhere. If it's not right from the start then it's just not going to be right at all.

It will be a mistake and not in my best interests.

This is about what is good for me. Not what is good for someone else. It's a huge burden lifted and I feel good about it. I'm happy about it. I'm happy with who I am.

Now for that other issue.....

I have a cold. I woke up with it this morning. Unimpressed. I go out for one night and this is what happens to me. Grrrr. My glands seem to be up too. Not good.

It's been an interesting week. Full of fears, full of anxiety, full of triumphs and then questioning of those triumphs. I feel stronger. If only a little bit. I'm still in limbo and confused. I know what I should do but I'm still holding on. I'm not ready to let go yet. I'm still holding on to hope.

I'm still conflicted. I'm a complete contradiction and hypocrite. I say one thing, then I do the opposite or I reneg. Constantly changing my mind.

I can barely do this assignment. I'm not sure I want to do this degree. Six years of my life. I don't think I want to practice. I want to be making a difference and changing attitudes and policy. But I'm not political. I'm not actively involved in things. Maybe I'm just a fanciful dreamer who can't live in her own reality. Why can't I just stay where I am getting paid very well for not doing a whole lot?

I just don't know anymore.

You know what? I have the wrong attitude.

Everything WILL be ok. I don't hope that it will be. It WILL BE.

Why are my ears ringing?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Maybe what I'm worried about and THINK will happen won't. I'm pretty sure it will though. But maybe, just maybe something good will happen.

I was told today that I am one of the best candidates he has seen over the last few years.

You know the most fucked up thing about it..... it's not that I didn't believe it, it didn't have any affect on me. I thought to myself 'but what was so impressive?', 'I was just being me'. I wasn't pulling out any fireworks or magic, I was just honest and me. I don't care if you don't offer me the job because it's not what can I offer you, but can you offer me?

I know that sounds really arrogant and self absorbed but I'm not like that at all. I'm just at the point in my career where I don't feel I have to 'beg' or put on a show to prove or show how good I am. I am good. I'm damned good but I'm not going to pull out the stops to show you that. This is me, this is who I am, this is what I want. Can you fill that for me? I liked what I heard. I heard what I am after without asking the question. Therefore I responded to that. I'm actually making a concession in a part of the role that I do not want to do because I like everything else I hear and it's important for me to be a team player. So I'll take one for the team.

But the question is..... why don't I value my self worth?

I get a fantastic compliment and it just washes off me like it wasn't even there.

I just feel so flat and I want it to go. Maybe it's been a result of this Mercury retrograde (I very much dislike Mercury and her retrograde). April is meant to be a good month for me. Well something 'good' happened today. May it also happen tomorrow night.

I feel like I'm going insane. I don't want to. I just want it to all work out. It's like I've hounded myself to the bone that IT WON'T EVER WORK OUT but a tiny bit inside me says everything will be ok. I know it won't but I'm holding onto a slither of a chance.

I'm so BOORRREEDDD. I feel like I have nothing to offer because I've been doing nothing.

I haven't written one word for my assignment despite holing myself up for the past week and this whole weekend. I have set it out in questions with notes for each section. I guess that's a start. I'm just not motivated. Nor am I focused. My mind is elsewhere.

I've done nothing this weekend. Footy, that's it. Hung out with the dog. That's it.

I watched Shutter Island. I really enjoyed it. I watched 127 Hours yesterday, or maybe Friday..... YAWN. Didn't like it. It was so very..... convenient and smooth. Plus I didn't really like the guy. Seemed a bit arrogant.

Some people are really beautiful. By beautiful I mean what is on the inside. It counts for everything.

I am however too trusting and too honest which leaves me incredibly vulnerable. I don't know how to give a little at a time. I tend to give all right away. I'm trying to not do that.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone