Too sad to want to be awake.

It's 838pm. I'm going to bed.

Today sucked balls.

I'm so sick of being alone.

I'm so tired of hurting.

I haven't had a hurt free year since..... well every year since 2007 has been shit.

I just attract it clearly. Just go away.

It's been a difficult year so far.  Today I'm not crazy! Woot!

I'm still getting used to a new job - 8 or so months into it.  I was discussing the new job thing with a fellow co-worker yesterday and it was so comforting to hear that they had/were experiencing the same things that I have been.  The immense workload, thinking we weren't good enough, wondering why we weren't 'smashing it' like we have done previously in other jobs doing the same work... feeling pressure of not being able to keep on top of the workload and the moment of when we felt we were just getting on top of things BAM! the next day we'd be snowed under with so much work our shoulders would drop and our head would drop and we'd just be 'oh there goes the false sense of being of top of things'. Also the different procedures and systems in place not working to our benefit or allowing us to work efficiently.

WOW! WHAT A RELIEF!!! All of these things have had a huge impact on my confidence and I've seriously thought I wasn't good enough and can't do the job and I'm just not cut out for it.  It seems the job is Just How It Is. So that made me feel better, although I question 'why am I still here?' Oh yes that's right, I have a 12 month contract to fullfill and whilst I'm sure I could get another job out there, I don't want to be doing I'm doing as it is BUT it pays the bills, I have it pretty good, it's not the economic climate to be looking for another job, I can claim my studies on my tax as it's 'work related'.... I also don't know what will become of me once my 12 months is up.... I guess I'll find out next week (perhaps) when I have my performance review (Needs Improvement....... Needs to Prioritise Better and More).

Studying this semester has been the biggest challenge I've encountered in my 4 semesters of studying.  I was almost at breaking point last week and the week before. I perservered.  I almost lost it but didn't.

The whole relationship thing. Man this is hard! Who knew?  Not me.  I have to think about someone else now..... say wha? I've been thinking of myself and only myself for 10 years... oh no wait, make that 31 years of my 36 year existence.  It's so new and foreign and I'm so used to doing everything when I want, and doing what I want whenever... it's a big learning curve. Also being so insecure and needing attention ALOT ..... well I've learnt that about myself and I'm trying to not to do that. Also just the way of human interaction and communication.  A lot of things I've misinterpreted/construed and this has been very detrimental.  So yeah, learning all about that.

I know I want to travel MORE.  I'm loving studying. I do not want to give it up. Despite the fact 99% of my spare time is spent studying.  Then to add a relationship and trying to see friends (yeah that's declined ALOT since the relationship and massive study semester).  But at the end of the day I have to think about ME and what is important to me and what will get ME through. It sounds very selfish but staying in because I need a rest for one night or staying in to study because going out won't get me a good mark is what I do.  I try and balance as much as I can. I'm not perfect, i would like things to be different but this is what I choose to do because I enjoy it and I want options for my future.  I do not want to be doing what I am doing now in 6 years time (I don't want to be doing it now but I either change jobs and do more legal stuff as an assistant or change into another field but I'll still only be able to do admin/ea/secretarial work).  Studying is the only option to advance my career/job prospects.

Meh so many other things but that's enough for now.

Everything and Everyone can go and fuck themselves.

I am not meant for this world. I never was. I don't know how or why I'm still here.

What does life offer me? What do I offer life? NOTHING.

Nothing but hurt and pain. Other people and their happy perfect fucking relationships.  Well adjusted people.  YOU CAN FUCK OFF.

Life has not given me anything to be happy about. Definitely not love. What a joke love is.  All it does is destroy my whole being. Over and over and over again.  I'm not one of the lucky ones.  I'm not meant to be loved or know how to love. I definitely do not allow love that's for sure. Why would I? All anyone does is leave anyway.  Why would I trust anyone. All they see is a pretty girl who they'd like to fuck and then it's, oh yeah, I'll just fuck with you for a bit but I'm not committed to you.. there's always someone else better out there. I'm not really THAT interested in supporting you and making you happy. You suck really.

YES I SUCK. I'm just one big lie walking around pretending that I'm all this when really, I'm empty and I hurt and I'm full of sorrow and pain.

The two things I love are my dog and my mum.  Everyone else has someone who loves them. Having a friend love me is not enough... in fact it's nothing. It won't hold me tight and tell me everything's going to be okay. I just want out. I just want out of this shitful world.

The whole core person of who I am is being trampled on over and over again by someone who said they loved me.  It hurts so much to be attacked so viciously and with such hostility.

I'm a fucking mess.  3 hours spent going back and forth on fucking sms because they are too childish to speak to me on the phone. I call, I get disconnected. Then I get a text of more abuse.

I'm sitting here for another day crying my eyes out.

I tried so hard. For nothing but hate and abuse. It's all my fault. Everything. My whole core being, attacked.

I'm so sick of being pummelled by this world.  I work so hard and all I get is shit in my face.

I am nothing. Just nothing. Nor worth anything.

I've just been broken up with because of my dog.

Apparently he's a mut, a mongrel, stupid, a dickhead and I'm sure a few other things.

I need to WAKE UP because I don't have time for a big dog and I should get rid of the dog.

Coming from someone who said they loved me and wouldn't leave me and wanted to build a house with me after 4 months.

I thought this one was a nice one. One that I wouldn't normally go for.... because they'd be good to me...... Turns out to be just the opposite. Abusive is more like it. But oh wait, it's me who has all the problems and needs to change.

I am done and dusted for good.

Just leave me the fuck alone.

All of you.

I don't want you nor do I need you.

I have listened to lies for the last time.

Just stay out of my fucking life.

I'm always fine until someone comes in and disrupts everything.

And then makes me miserable. On the pretense that they care.

They don't care. No-one will ever care ENOUGH.

It's never enough.

It's just worthless words than mean NOTHING.

I'm sick to fucking death of being hurt. I cannot take it any more. If I didn't have my dog, I wouldn't fucking bother.

Came home to this. Thanks 'milo'. x