It's been a difficult year so far.  Today I'm not crazy! Woot!

I'm still getting used to a new job - 8 or so months into it.  I was discussing the new job thing with a fellow co-worker yesterday and it was so comforting to hear that they had/were experiencing the same things that I have been.  The immense workload, thinking we weren't good enough, wondering why we weren't 'smashing it' like we have done previously in other jobs doing the same work... feeling pressure of not being able to keep on top of the workload and the moment of when we felt we were just getting on top of things BAM! the next day we'd be snowed under with so much work our shoulders would drop and our head would drop and we'd just be 'oh there goes the false sense of being of top of things'. Also the different procedures and systems in place not working to our benefit or allowing us to work efficiently.

WOW! WHAT A RELIEF!!! All of these things have had a huge impact on my confidence and I've seriously thought I wasn't good enough and can't do the job and I'm just not cut out for it.  It seems the job is Just How It Is. So that made me feel better, although I question 'why am I still here?' Oh yes that's right, I have a 12 month contract to fullfill and whilst I'm sure I could get another job out there, I don't want to be doing I'm doing as it is BUT it pays the bills, I have it pretty good, it's not the economic climate to be looking for another job, I can claim my studies on my tax as it's 'work related'.... I also don't know what will become of me once my 12 months is up.... I guess I'll find out next week (perhaps) when I have my performance review (Needs Improvement....... Needs to Prioritise Better and More).

Studying this semester has been the biggest challenge I've encountered in my 4 semesters of studying.  I was almost at breaking point last week and the week before. I perservered.  I almost lost it but didn't.

The whole relationship thing. Man this is hard! Who knew?  Not me.  I have to think about someone else now..... say wha? I've been thinking of myself and only myself for 10 years... oh no wait, make that 31 years of my 36 year existence.  It's so new and foreign and I'm so used to doing everything when I want, and doing what I want whenever... it's a big learning curve. Also being so insecure and needing attention ALOT ..... well I've learnt that about myself and I'm trying to not to do that. Also just the way of human interaction and communication.  A lot of things I've misinterpreted/construed and this has been very detrimental.  So yeah, learning all about that.

I know I want to travel MORE.  I'm loving studying. I do not want to give it up. Despite the fact 99% of my spare time is spent studying.  Then to add a relationship and trying to see friends (yeah that's declined ALOT since the relationship and massive study semester).  But at the end of the day I have to think about ME and what is important to me and what will get ME through. It sounds very selfish but staying in because I need a rest for one night or staying in to study because going out won't get me a good mark is what I do.  I try and balance as much as I can. I'm not perfect, i would like things to be different but this is what I choose to do because I enjoy it and I want options for my future.  I do not want to be doing what I am doing now in 6 years time (I don't want to be doing it now but I either change jobs and do more legal stuff as an assistant or change into another field but I'll still only be able to do admin/ea/secretarial work).  Studying is the only option to advance my career/job prospects.

Meh so many other things but that's enough for now.