I just rescued a tiny bat. I heard a clunk, looked up to see the tea cups hanging on the kitchen unit shaking. Then there was something moving on top of the DVD player. Wings outstretched.

Omg it's a bat! Happy Halloween.

It was then all curled up. I managed to get a container and a towel and take the critter outside. It is so small. I didn't know if I'd hurt it in the transportation so I got a long piece of grass and patted it's head with it. It didn't seem to mind. It tried to walk with its wings slightly out. I got worried. I didn't want a bird swooping down and eating it.

I tried to google find out what sort of bat it is. By the time I went back outside I couldn't see it anymore.

Goodbye little bat. Live a wonderful fulfilling insect eating life.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Aarrrgghh zombie brains


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

It's hard trying to study with a sooky dog sleeping on you.



My small contribution to Halloween. Happy Halloween!




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

The night before halloween

A cozy open fireplace, slipper boots, a cottage over looking the ocean, hound dog and Sons of Anarchy followed by Harry Potter







- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Just when I have a moment of thinking 'gee, this is the first time in months I think I'm going to be alright' it all comes crashing down again.

I'm not perfect. I don't say the perfect things I should say. I don't do the perfect things I should do. I'm just me. Doing it the best that I can, fucking it up sometimes along the way. If you can't accept that that is who I am...... then that's a matter for you.

I'm tired. I don't have the emotional energy for this. I've expelled enough of it the past 5 months. I don't want to expel any more mental energy either. I'm tired. I'm taking my medication like I should. Yet I'm still waking up so tired. No wonder I sleep the weekend away. Despite having a hugely increased dose of thyroxine I'm still so fucking tired every day. It's 10.28pm and I should have been in bed an hour ago. The joy of working fully time, studying as well and trying to enjoy some sort of life when I get home. By life I mean a meagre 3 to 4 hours before I'm so tired I need to sleep.

I'm looking forward even more to getting away down the coast with my boy (read hound dog). I just want to be alone. Being alone really is the best thing for me. It's the only thing I know.

It seems my body won't hold up like it used to. Or I'm just too lazy to get up when I feel tired.

I've had a shower but I just feel like a bath.

I need to study but I want to read 'Cane River' instead.

I want to watch The Walking Dead S0202 tonight but I haven't watched episode 1 yet.

My legs ache from dancing last night. That is a good thing. I went out for once!

My dog is awesome. He'll hang in my room with me all day even when I'm sleeping.

I had a really good time last night.

I'm too tired to do anything.

I wish there was a button to zap the crappy thoughts from my head. Bzzzz'd. There. It's gone. Oh wait.... the button doesn't exist..... it's still there.

Things from today:

1. Having a fellow co-worker motion for me to exist the lift first before him - a gentleman. I don't normally like that stuff but this morning it was lovely.

2. Getting angry.

3. Having my boss sound generally happy when I called them all the way up North. (Admin Mention Monday, you haven't signed the Consent Orders!!).

4. Being inspired to landscape my garden. (Found someone online, but scared I may not be able to afford them... eep!)

5. Having an overwhelming feeling of sadness in an instant as I got off the train tonight where I just wanted to sit down and cry my eyes out. It's still lingering and I hate it. I hate these feelings. Of being controlled by something that I can't control myself and being at its mercy no matter how hard I try or how hard I go forward. If I think about it really I've been battling this knowingly for 4 years and really, my whole life. It feels so much worse now when my life is so much better than what it was in my 20s. I wish it would go away but I have this overwhelming fear that I'll be struggling with it for the rest of my life.

6. Gorging on two pieces of fish, minimum chips and 4 scallops for dinner. Ok I shared some with the dog but I feel very roly poly right now. I like it.

7. Still feeling like I want to cry and like this feeling is never going to leave me.

JUST GIVE ME MY BOOKS BACK AND LET ME BE DONE WITH YOU. STOP TOYING WITH ME. NO WONDER I FEEL LIKE THIS.

The International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia takes interns. You have to be at least in your second year of studies and a restricted internship lasts 2-3 months.

I'm going to aim to apply in 2013 or 2014 at the very latest. Try and save as much money as possible in the event I get accepted. What an amazing opportunity! I doubt I'd ever get accepted but I'm going to at least try. Fingers crossed I'll still be where I am job wise and fingers crossed, in the chance I get accepted, they are supportive of the experience.

Right now in my life I just want to focus on me and doing the best I can in my work and my study. I know it sounds selfish but I think it's best that I stay focused on this and stay the hell away from any men. I can't lose focus of my goals, even though I'd like someone to be here for me through it. I honestly don't think I can be there for someone else right now. Who am I kidding? Someone else. Ha! What a joke. As if I'm going to meet anyone anyway, and if I did, it's always me liking them and them not wanting me.

Good. Works out perfect then doesn't it.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Sunday

New lounge room combining study area.




-

It's so early in the afternoon I don't know what to do with myself. Sleep? Study? Start reading a new book? Watch a movie?

At the moment I'm hanging with the hound throwing a ball down the hallway for him to fetch and return.



Posted from the depths of my mind.

Saturday

One freshly mowed back lawn




One sawed down tree plus one rose bush demolished




Then I ate 2 smoked salmon bagels, watched an ep of True Blood and then slept for 4 hours!






- Posted from the depths of my mind.

It's amazing what a good result can do for one's confidence.

I achieved a Credit overall for Contract Law. I blitzed my exam and scored 73%. I also got 80% (16/20) for my Problem question which I was blown away by. I worked really hard the last month, got the flu a week before the exam which put me back, and then put a lot of time and effort into making my notes including all the relevant cases. It paid off. I finished overall with 66.5%. I'm so happy and proud of myself. 3 subjects down, one Distinction and two Credits. Nice.

It's raining outside.

I mowed the lawn today, sawed down a tree (taking some skin off my middle left finger in the process) and demolished an old almost defunct rose bush. I then slept for 4 hours. Still tired. Sick of being tired.

We used to meet every Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, in the afternoon....

RIP Mark Sandman. If you've never heard of him or his band Morphine then get off reading this and go source it out. Cure for Pain is one album I cherish in a 'must have' collection.

So, today is Thursday.

It began by me meeting my mate Rob for early coffee/hot chocolate/raison toast. We met at work two or so years ago and became friends. We've since moved on from the same employer but have caught up twice now. I really enjoy catching up with him. He's someone who will go far and be successful. It'd be nice to meet someone of his calibre in my age group.

After a stressful morning (that would be ME stressing) I managed to get a bit of work done today. I'm building a good rapport with my boss ('Can I ask a question'...... 'I have another question'.....) It's lovely to have someone ask ME questions even though when I get them I think 'How the hell do I know?'. It was also lovely having my junior lawyer call me at the end of the day to 'check in' and say thank you to me for my help this AM.

Rose. Bless her, I love her so much.

My book. Oh my goodness I was nearly in tears on the train. I cannot imagine what it takes to climb a mountain, the sheer endurance, the physical strength and the mental toughness. Let alone an ice covered mountain such as Everest. This is my third book reading a real life story

where the theme is ice. The first Robert Falcon Scott and his expedition to Antarctica (he died, I cried), the second an epidemic in a remote Alaskan town where sled dogs were used to carry the vaccine to the town, and now, a fatal disaster on Everest.

Oh, and getting on the wrong train home.

Just quickly.....

I'm reading the most awesome book. It's called 'Into Thin Air' about a mountaineering expedition on Everest in 1996 that goes terribly wrong. I know nothing about ice moutaineering and to be honest, always thought that once you start trekking Everest you just keep going.

It takes MONTHS! No shit. And you have to gradually acclimatize so they go from Base Camp to Camp One and then back to Base Camp and over again and onward upwards. It's intriguing and I love it. It's like a totally different world there. I'm halfway through..... it's going to be one of those books that you devour when reading and when it's over it'll be sad but you'll be wanting it to never end.

I can't recall if in my drunken state Saturday morning I confessed:

but I got kissed by a girl Saturday morning on a dance floor. Highlight of my morning. Thanks darl.

Ooooh ooooh I wanna be a bitch and whinge about the guy in my AL subject who has already posted about 5 annoying posts. Most of which all contain reference to 'Justice Kirby and how after hearing his speech that all law students should study animal law... I'm now studying it'.

Fucking tool. And don't tell me that if I need 'inspiration' to listen to his speech. I'm very glad that you are inspired just because Justice K told you to do something. It's nice you can't think for yourself. And dropping Kirby's name everywhere. We know who he is ok. He's not the only High Court judge ever appointed to the bench sunshine or to have made judgment. Don't force your bullshit down my throat. Oh and by the way, aweful is spelt awful.

This is from a guy who picked on another poster for incorrectly typing 'nunanced' in his sentence and THEN quoted what the meaning of nuance means. What a fucking A-HOLE to the max. I'm sure it was a typo, you aweful man.

Cock. Head.

If you want me come get me and I may give you a glance.

Otherwise

Fuck off and leave me alone.

Sick to death of spineless men.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I think I've been slightly arrogant in my attitude towards my degree. I haven't exactly found my first 3 subjects difficult. I think I will be tested a lot more in my fourth subject. I'm slightly petrified.

I'm also tired. I'm sick of being tired. Sure I've slept all weekend. But I'm not 'overly tired'. I'm just tired. Mentally. This whole 'being strong' thing..... it takes its toll. I wander what the hell it is I'm trying to prove. And to who.

How does one deal with their shame and guilt? When you've done something that you are embarrassed and humiliated by. It's not about saying sorry to the other person. They may forgive you but how do you forgive yourself? You are the one who has to deal with the repercussions. The constant thoughts of your actions and the immense feeling of shame where you just want to hide from the world until it passes. No-one else knows yet you feel like everyone knows and whoever looks at you is judging you as a bad person.

What is done is done. I can't go back. I am sorry. I don't make excuses. I am who I am and I'm not perfect. I still have a long way to go in exorcising my demons. Lesson - shit loads of alcohol and prescription medication are a recipe for disaster. Moderation perhaps may be alright but excessive amounts - big no no. It only leads down. Alcohol is a depressant remember.

Why are so many people hating on Steve Jobs dying.

It's really pathetic.

There is so much animosity and dislike and negativity out there.

Have you thought about what is GOOD in your life? What things you HAVE that you are GRATEFUL for?

Or is it:

'What about me, it isn't fair, I've had enough now I want my share?'

Get the fuck over it and say to yourself that you are truly blessed/happy/grateful that you have [insert blessed/happy/grateful things here] in your life.

I am truly grateful to have friends who care about me, love me, are non-judgmental, tell me how it is even if it's not what I want to hear in my life. I'm grateful to be an independent woman who doesn't need to rely or depend upon a man. I'm truly blessed to have a mother who will do anything for me and the most loving, caring dog who is such a joy to come home to. I'm so happy to have a job that I enjoy and a boss who treats me with respect and wants to assist in my career development. I'm not perfect. I have flaws and weaknesses that I'm trying to overcome and get on top of. But overall I'm grateful for all the GOOD that I do have.

It's what you do HAVE and not what you DON'T HAVE that is important.

Remember that when the chips are down or you feel like hating on something or someone.

I still miss you.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

My Wednesday night out

In Vienna











- Posted from the depths of my mind.

The day after a loss is harder than the day of the loss. It's the reflecting on a lost chance.

I'm fighting the urge to go back to sleep. I'm tired. I'm trying to tidy up instead. It's something I haven't done for months. It's always strange at the end of a footy season - having time to do things. Like a whole weekend. Next weekend is already full.

Mmmmm sleep.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.