Today was a day from Hell. I think Hell would be more fun actually.

I'm at the crossroads. I cannot do this much longer. I've been trying to no avail. There is nothing else out there for me. It's so disheartening. The problem is, I then get home and feel incredibly guilty for the way I behave. I blame myself. Perhaps I've been too harsh. Perhaps I'm the problem. Perhaps there isn't a problem and I'm making one up.

I just cannot allow myself to validate my feelings. I dismiss them. Push them aside. Blame myself. Instead of acknowledging what I feel or legitimizing my feelings I dismiss them.

I'm sick of doing what I do. This is not what I want from my life. I'm better than this. I want to make a better life for myself. To have more options for myself and not to be cornered into one area for the rest of my life. Maybe I just have to wear that corner right now. I don't seem to have another door to go through right now. Where I am is cutting into me. I have little to no support, no-one I can really talk to. I just want out but I can't get out until I have something else.

Is it all that bad?

No.

But it is taking its toll.

It's alienating.