Today was a day from Hell. I think Hell would be more fun actually.

I'm at the crossroads. I cannot do this much longer. I've been trying to no avail. There is nothing else out there for me. It's so disheartening. The problem is, I then get home and feel incredibly guilty for the way I behave. I blame myself. Perhaps I've been too harsh. Perhaps I'm the problem. Perhaps there isn't a problem and I'm making one up.

I just cannot allow myself to validate my feelings. I dismiss them. Push them aside. Blame myself. Instead of acknowledging what I feel or legitimizing my feelings I dismiss them.

I'm sick of doing what I do. This is not what I want from my life. I'm better than this. I want to make a better life for myself. To have more options for myself and not to be cornered into one area for the rest of my life. Maybe I just have to wear that corner right now. I don't seem to have another door to go through right now. Where I am is cutting into me. I have little to no support, no-one I can really talk to. I just want out but I can't get out until I have something else.

Is it all that bad?

No.

But it is taking its toll.

It's alienating.

I think my meds are low again. Whilst I'm not putting on weight (grrr) I'm becoming increasingly tired. I was only up for almost 3 hours today when I became so tired I had to sleep. This was just before 3pm. I woke up around 6.24pm. This isn't good. I have study to finish today and I've slept through half of it because I'm tired.

This isn't good. I'm seriously sick and tired of feeling like this on an ongoing basis. When is it going to stop? I can't be like this, tired all the time and constantly checking my medication levels. What the fuck is wrong with my body that it just isn't working. Or it works ok and then it starts regressing.

Today is a good day. The impending sense of doom has slithered away. In it's place is doubt whenever *something* happens. Utterly ridiculous but I know what it is and why. Which is a good thing.

I did something today on my own for the first time in my life without seeking parental approval. Not that I need it because I certainly don't. I've just always sought it or thought I needed to sought it. I don't. I feel really good about it too. I'm proud of myself and happy. I still need to wait for the outcome.

More study tonight. Not too much and then I might be able to watch a movie and just kick back. My couch is over run with readings at the moment. I'm somewhat organized but most of it is a mess. I actually bought folders to put materials in..... but you know me, they're in another room still in their packet and I want to put pictures and cut outs on them just like when I was at uni... so I haven't sorted it out yet. Slacker!!!


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I'm still feeling a bit weird. This whole week actually I've been feeling less than desirable. Not desirable in a sensual sense just the feeling is not that good, hence it being less than desirable.

I also need to pull my head in. Mind you I cannot see the situation improving at all. It is ever increasingly frustrating and stressful.

I must become more focused and diligent. Just immerse myself in my works and concentrate on achieving. Be proactive and do! Like Starsky and Hutch 'DO IT!'

I really want that impending sense of doom to wither away. Just float on away on the wind. Thank you very much.

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A bowl of oyster mushrooms sautéd in butter, garlic and parsley is not the ideal dinner.

My study plan for tonight went out the window. I'm watching sons of anarchy instead. Tomorrow night.....

This impending sense of doom I've been feeling for two days is slowly dissipating. It's about trust and control. Having no control and not trusting in myself. It WILL be ok.

I just finished watching S03Ep01 of Sons and holy fuck it is brutal. Totally fucking brutal.

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I spent my Saturday night watching Sons of Anarchy episodes... I'm nearly finished and ready for S3.

Donkey Day was great. I had a great time. They are such beautiful creatures but when I look at them I really see a sadness in their eyes. I just want to take their pain away. I do hope they are happy.

Last night was a heap of fun. Definitely do it again.

Slept all of today.. just couldn't get up. My Saturday's seem to have the same recurring theme - sleep. I've wasted the whole day but I don't care. Perhaps my Saturday's are becoming my old Sundays. Rest day. Then Sunday it'll be clean the house, put my clothes away (I have a terrible pile that is growing in my bedroom - basket, floor, bed....), food shopping, make food (oh I miss that).

Tonight I'm going to scoff, sit on the couch and watch Sons of Anarchy.

I need to start on my birthday invite and my set list. Time is ticking.

There's a couple of gigs I could go to tonight but I just can't be bothered. I like my Sat nights at home - not all the time (YAWN) but sometimes. I had my night out last night and it was a late one. Home at 2.30am.

The other night was awesome. I had the best time. I always do. WE always do. I really want it to work out. I really want to give it a go and take a chance. I want to take a chance. I want to let myself be happy - instead of running from it or sabotaging it. I want to be happy. With you. I already am, I know that. It's just so much better with you. You enhance everything. You don't fill a void or a gap, there is no void or gap. You just make everything better and illuminated. You are what I need and what I want. Flaws and all. Just you. No changing. Just how you are. Now you know that.

Happy sleepy

Have my window open to listen to the rain falling whilst I drift off to sleep

Thinking of you.

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A couple of things......

1. Stop having these crazy ideas that seem so good at the time and then once you've actually thought about them realised that in hindsight, perhaps not the best idea. If you want money work for it. Save for it. Sacrifice and stop spending. Do some hard work to get the end result.

ACTION: cancel bank appointment for Thursday

2. I'm not entirely comfortable, in fact I'm not at all comfortable in people I don't really know learning personal information about me through a third party. I don't expect you to understand WHY I'm like this, just that I'm like this. So please don't tell people about what I do in my personal life. If I want them to know I'll tell them. Otherwise shhhhhh. I really don't want everyone knowing what I'm learning. It's for me. Not everyone else and only a few people know anyway. There's a reason for that. Thanks.

3. I'm extremely excited about starting Uni.

4. Yes I'm a complete CONTRADICTION (see 2. followed by number 3. and then re-read 2. again).

5. I'm having a night off. I'm going to watch an ep or two of Sons of Anarchy season 2. Yeah baby.

Surprisingly I had a pretty good day today. Surprisingly, because:

a) It's Monday and I loathe Mondays

b) I was at work and I loathe work (not always, just most of the time)

I feel it is a tad loserish to be slightly champing at the bit to start studying. So much so that I'm dreaming up asking work if I can have one day off a fortnight to study and I just don't get paid for it...... yes yes, I'm good at dreaming these things up. No seriously, one subject says the minimum reading is 12 hours PER WEEK. Are you kidding me??? So two subjects means 24 HOURS!!!

Spread over a week that's FOUR HOURS A NIGHT! I'm not even up for 4 hours a night after I get home. Well, usually I am but you know I've fitted in a shower and usually dinner by 9/930pm. EEEEEPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I will be giving up my social life. I never really thought I was a 'social' person or that busy but I guess I really am. This week the only night I'm home without going out first is Thursday. March is so busy already I'm booked every weekend. I am looking forward to my course though. I'm already enjoying the readings and learning. I've already set my goal to attain distinctions. I mean really, trying to grade between 75%-84% isn't that high a goal... is it?

I have my revision class for my photography tomorrow night. I'm so "thrilled" that only 2 out of what 8 or 9 people are attending tomorrow. Rather disappointed by that. I wanted to check out other peoples work too. Oh well.

It's starting to get darker earlier now. The sun is setting at least 1/2 hour earlier now. I feel with these slightly fresh mornings that autumn is already setting in. Two years ago winter started setting in April. Last year it lasted FOREVER. I feel that is the way the earth is turning. Towards the cold. If it's going to be like that, then fine, I accept it, but just let me know in advance please.

I'm in the processing of writing a letter and in the process of doing so I have the tv on. For noise. Or a distraction.....

On the tv is True Grit the John Wayne movie. It's great!! I'm rather enjoying it. It's a shame really good old movies have to be remade into the modern era. You can't beat the old stuff.

The scenery is just beautiful too. Oh it makes me want to go camping by a pristine river with the mountains in the background. A little crisp air would be fine on a sunny day.

I'm now sick. That'll learn me for having a boozy night. Probably just a cold but still... I don't need you nor do I want you. Hence forth be banished you wreteched sickness!

So many things I want to be doing right now.

Reading my book.

Sleeping outside on the couch in the warmth.

Reading my Uni materials.

Eating.

So many things I should be doing right now -

Mowing the front and back lawn

Cleaning the house

Finishing applications

Eating

Finishing my Folio

A little drunkened... I'm not completely boring like some people think.... I just don't have the opp to get wasted more because I can't afford a $50 one way cab fare.

Today was good. I was less of an asshole at work.

I had my first # appt. It was good. Nothing I didnt really already know or had come to realize myself but it was still worthwhile. I don't want to walk away. I don't want to give you up. I want to be able to leArn to not invest so much emotionally.

Looking forward to each new day as it presents itself.

Finally got to print off some material for one of my uni subjects. I can't wait to get stuck into it.

Hmmmm maybe that's all for today I need to sleep. I'meant to do stuff tomorrow (today) and in order to do that I need lots of zzzzz


I have The Who singing in my head.

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The next 6 weeks are going to be tough financially. I have no idea where my pay has gone but it's ALL gone. My road trip cost way way more than I was expecting. But hey, it needed to be done and I'll just have to wear it.

Uni starts in less than 2 weeks. Send me my paperwork already!!!!

I sat there at work today and compiled a list of books that I'd like. There's a lot on there. I then went onto BWB and wrote down how much each one would cost second hand. I didn't purchase any of them. Yay to me. They're not going anywhere and I have a ton to read already.

I need to get out. I'm going down hill and it's starting to be toxic. So, 3 to look at and see where it takes me.

Busy weekend. Gosh I thought this week was going to be 'quiet'. Eeepp! Not so. Monday was pizza (well Soul Food), Tuesday was a brief catch up, Wednesday dinner, Thursday home (Yay!), Friday is exhibition and b'day party, Saturday is off season footy bbq followed by wardrobe delivery, Sunday is ME DAY! Then Monday it's pizza, Wednesday catch up, Friday dinner, Saturday maybe gig, Sunday Donkey Day.

I'm going to start reading Russka. I'm looking forward to it.

Must not forget to finish off Folio in the meantime. Shit.

So sleepy tired.

I had delicious Tibetan dinner tonight with rose and jo for the first time. Great food!! Loved it. I even got to take home the rest of my thurpka that I couldn't finish. I did have 4 momo to start with.

Hoping to finish Keith tonight bug at this 'late' hour I doubt it. I'll be snoozing away pretty soon.

A huge congratulations and celebration for Rose who will be a uni student as at 21 February 2011. It's a huge step in her desire to Study creative writing, being an up and coming writer herself. Excellent work hon, you made it this far all on your own talents and should be really proud. I am!

----- I miss you already. Can you please read me a bed time story so I fall asleep listening to your beautiful voice.

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Some people are awesome.

I'm so lucky to have the friends I do.

Publish Post

In all honesty, if I didn't have the friends that I do I probably wouldn't be here. That's really a comment on my 20's really.

As much as I do a lot things 'alone', I can't do everything alone.

Thank you for being kind enough to actually care about me. It means the world.

I had a really nice catch up with a friend after work tonight. Last minute kind of thing but a great hour nonetheless. I like surprises like that.

Oh I'm so enjoying Keith Richards' Life. He's just met Patti, his gorgeous wife. There's an entry from his diary where we wrote about her at the time. It's just beautiful. It reads as follows:

Incredibly I've found a woman. A miracle! I've pussy at the snap of a finger but I've met a woman! Unbelievably she is the most beautiful (physically) specimen in the WORLD. But that ain't it! It certainly helps but it's her mind, her joy of life and (wonders) she thinks this battered junkie is the guy she loves. I'm over the moon and peeing in my pants. She loves the soul music and reggae, in fact everything. I make her tapes of music which is almost as good as being with her. I send them like love letters. I'm kicking 40 and besotted.

There's this photo of them on a beach in 1982. He's lying down and she's lying over the top of him from behind and kissing him and he's laughing. I love that photo. Real love and happiness.

Tonight I would really like to go to sleep in someones arms. Whether male or female I do not care, as long as they care for me and are happy for me to have my arms around them spooning all night I'll be happy.


I really really really need comforting right now. Just to have someone hold me in their arms until I fall asleep would be beautiful.

And when the rain comes down would you choose to walk or stay, would you choose to walk would you choose to stay would you walk walk walk walk walk away

Walk Away. For the first time in my life.

I'm sorry.

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That's what friends are for - Dionne Warwick

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember, oh

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for

Whoa... oh... oh... keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, oh, for sure
'Cause I tell you that's what friends are for
For good times and for bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for (That's what friends are for)

On me, for sure
That's what friends are for
Keep smilin', keep shinin'

I did something today that only hurt me in the end. It hurt me a lot. I need to get real and stop doing things that hurt me. Stop repeating bad habits. Stop thinking like this. It's nothing but destructive.

I need to make a decision and a decision to be strong. To actually see what is GOOD for me and what ISN'T. In the long run. I'm in denial and I keep fantasizing that things will work out how I want them to be. But when I truly think about it I know that it won't. It hasn't yet so why would it in the future? It's not going to and I have to let go. I don't want to, I keep holding on and holding on, hoping, wishing, praying..... but deep down I know that it's not going to be.

So I need to walk away. It has to be me. It will only be me. It hurts. It hurts so much and it upsets me, it makes me cry, it makes me feel down and awful but for my own well being I need to do this.

I'll bare through the next 2 and on the second it will be said.

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to deal with this and get through it. I see how I've done it previously but this time it's so much different and it's everything to me. But I can't do it.

HOLY SHIT!!!

I've just been given the biggest compliment for my work.

An artist I know is using one of my photos for their next stencil work. The piece will be on the subject of one of my photos (being a person).... but they're using my photo of that person to recreate a stencil of their own.

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

WHAT A HUGE COMPLIMENT.

I can't wait to see it when it's finished.

WOW!!!!!

That really has made my week. I'm so thrilled.

Friends are awesome.

I find it, well interesting isn't really a word is it..... it's just when people come into your life at a certain point and whatever happens between you happens and then you don't really see them anymore but they're there in the background or periphery, whether still in your life somewhat, or in your friends life, so still kinda connected to you..... and then years later they are back in your life again through circumstance or friend connections.

My head has been a little bit.... well I'm winning so far but it's that cloaked hooded figure with the negative shit trying to infiltrate my head. Fuck off will you. I'm happy and I want to stay like this.

A lot going on this week. Only two nights at home this week. Tonight and Friday!! So I'm staying in Saturday too. Sunday I'm out again. Then next Monday, and Wednesday and then Friday.

I'm going to get my Folio photographs printed this weekend. I'm scared they'll look shit when printed. Every time I show someone my lighthouse photo at Griffith Island I get wow, that's a great shot. Happy.

Shower, food, then Boardwalk Empire. Oooooh I'm up to Ep 10. You won't believe what happens in Ep 9!!! I haven't even finished this season and I'm already hankering for season 2.

Oh Jim Jones Revue last night -------- so much fun!! I did think the audience were like a bunch of geriatric statues. FFS it's a rock n roll band, how can you stand there!!!! Move motherfucker!

Needless to say the arches of my feet are so sore from dancing around in Cons on my tippy toes. Plus my calves. The end song was Good Golly Miss Molly with Steve Mackay from The Stooges on SAXAPHONE! WHoar, how cool is that. So yeah, really enjoyed the gig, hated the crowd, danced away and had a good time. Princess and the Frog was so much dancing fun!!!! I don't even have the second album..... kids the first album is rockin!!!!