So, you wanna be a model?

I have been thinking of all these great photo shoot ideas!

Marie Antoinette - let them eat cake!

50's housewife - Samantha and her kitchen!

Strongman from the circus (ok, this is Samantha's idea for Dave but when she mentioned it I looked up photos on the net and got some great ideas)

The one with the chair and the mansion and the lovely Nadyne!

I now need to learn portrait photography and get lights! Minor detail.

But looking forward to experimenting and trying things out anyway.

Closure

My tiredness is starting to seriously get out of hand. How is it that I wake up on a Sunday so tired? That I have a shower and I'm out of breath just having a shower from the heat of it? I feel like I haven't slept for a day. That if I just have a couple of hours I'll feel all better. If I have a couple of hours it will turn into 7 hours. No shit. That is how tired I am. It's starting to worry me. I'm scared it's going to get so low that my heart is going to start to malfunction. And THAT is a real risk. Heart failure is one of the risks I have with my medication - or the lack of enough of it. It's not that I'm not taking my medication - I am - my problem is getting the amount of medication right. At the moment it's not right. And it's scaring me. To feel like this.

Roller Derby was great. Although I didn't contribute as much as I should have at the stall. I went off with my camera, ran into friends and spent time talking with them instead. I suck. But we did well at the stall and it was really cool to be a VIP for a day and have our cute as name tags hanging around our necks.

The best part was finally having closure. I'm not sure I can describe in words what I mean. It's certainly not that I think I should still be with G, because I don't think that. I think I just regret how I was when I was with him and realise how fucking stupid I was to doubt it (myself really). I can see that now, after all these years. But getting to meet his new girl was the best thing I could do and I feel so much better for it. Now there should be no issue on his friends part to hide the fact he has a girlfriend because I've now met her. And she seems so lovely and I'm really happy for them. He's a great guy, he always has been, he always will be. And hopefully we'll always be mates, even if it's just a random run in at an event when we see each other. That's the best I could ask for. Closure.

Twice in the past week I have had occasion where I was standing on the train platform, earplugs in both ears and my face buried in reading material only to have a work colleague shove their face in mine and interrupt me for chats - and then for me to have to sit with them on the train and talk to them.

Is it wrong to be slightly annoyed at this? Is it more polite for someone to just say hi and keep walking and leave the other person to their own private time, which clearly they are enjoying?

I think I'm just a bitch sometimes.

Being alone all this time.... the longer it goes on the worse I will be for it.

******************************

I just want to sleep in your arms. Comfort is what I need right now.

I have two separate ideas for photo shoots. They are probably both way out of my league but hey, it's worth a shot. I might try one myself, it will be hard but I can only try. If I need a model I guess I can ask my friends to model for me. The other one I will definitely need a model.

I want to curl up in your safe, warm arms and go to sleep listening to the rain.

Selfish

I've been anxiously awaiting to hear. I've been constantly checking my phone. Oh there I am again checking my gmail.

Tonight I finally caught up with R. We haven't seen each other for MONTHS! Which is very unusual seeing as before we went o/s we felt lost if we hadn't seen each other in 2 weeks. She hadn't even seen my arm it had been that long. So we're chatting away at the Carlton and she asks if I've heard.... no, I haven't. I feel my phone vibrating... it keeps vibrating... a call? Blocked. Oooh this could be good.

Unfortunately no. I came second. SECOND! Usually I would be happy with a second, it's not quite first but better than third. Not this time. I missed out. And not because of me per se, but because of my experience. The one thing I don't have a lot of and that is DISCOVERY. Why? Because I'm not a lawyer. That is something that lawyers usually do. I haven't had much exposure to it. I wasn't even offered any constructive criticism because there wasn't any to give. It was just the other person had more experience in discovery than I.

R was talking to me and all I could think was 'don't cry, you don't have anything to cry about' and trying to pick up what R was saying because my mind was elsewhere.

Coming home I had to not cry at Parliament. I had to not cry walking to my car.

I called my mum and told her. As I was talking to her, trying not to cry I turned on my computer and clicked my 'Bookmarks'. I went to The Age.

The first thing I saw was 'ALL 29 LOST'.

FUCK.

That really made me want to cry.

I said to her that I really do have a lot and I've just seen, those miners all died. All of them. And here I am complaining about not getting a job. They've lost their lives. I felt so selfish.

I have EVERYTHING. A house, a car, a job, reasonable health, a dog, wonderful friends. Money really is not an issue. It's not ideal where my finances are at the moment and I'm not pleased with where they are but I know I will never be poor or struggle financially. And that is a HUGE thing and something that a lot of people, including some of my friends, struggle for daily. And here I am complaining. Woe is me. Oh how it is so unfair. Spoilt fucking girl. Oh I can't choose between them so I'll take them both. Excuse me?

So I didn't get the job. I'm alive. 29 men are not. Their families and friends and loved ones are grieving and in so much pain right now they don't even know how to process that pain. Their days will be dark for some time. They have lost. I haven't lost anything. Just a hope. An expectation that a new job will make a part of my life better.

And you know what else I thought tonight. That because I haven't got the job (something I wanted) does this mean that the other thing I really want, that I'll get it now because I didn't get the job? You can't have everything. One aspect of your life has to be shit in order to have all the other things you want. You have to sacrifice one thing in order to have something else you want.

Selfish. Still wanting.

I'll be ok. I'm alive.

I'm so terribly sorry and saddened that this has happened to you and you lost your life. I can only hope that you didn't suffer, that at the moment of death it was quick and painless. It is truly horrible what has happened to you.

This also goes out to the young man David who died on his 17th birthday. It is incomprehensible what happened to you. I knew as soon as I read about it in the paper that you knew your killers. I don't understand it, I just hope you are in a safe place now.

And where the ocean meets the horizon, where does she go from there?

I wondered this on the weekend, looking out from my balcony facing the fierce wild ocean. I could see the water as far as the horizon, and then what? Where does it go? Does it just go on forever after that?

Unfortunately I get travel sick, and therefore sea sick. I'm a water baby though. I love it. Being in it that is. Drinking the stuff, nope. Stomach can't handle too much of it in one go and it invariably comes back up again.

I would love to know what it's like to sail the oceans. To feel that sea breeze against my skin, to hear the waves lapping at the bottom of a ship, to see the ocean all around and only the ocean. What magnificent sunsets would I behold and to see the moon, full, against a blackened but shining ocean. Would it feel like being free? Truly free?

What's it like being in the middle of the ocean with nothing around you but the ocean? Is it scary? Is it comforting? Is it beautiful? Does it make one panic? Or is it soothing? Does it feel like home? What creatures lie beneath the vast volumes of water below? Do I believe in sea monsters? Yes I do. Who knows what lies beneath, over thousands and millions of years? Those sea stories you hear of giant octopus taking down ships.... sure. Why not?

The last few days have been awful. Brought to you by the letter D.

I slept all of Saturday I was so tired. I managed to go to class on Saturday, got home around 2.30pm and went straight to bed. So tired. I thought 2 hours would be good. Yeah, the alarm went off at 4.30pm and I drifted... until 7.30pm. Thinking I'd get up in a few minutes.... I woke thinking it was around 9pm and I WOULD get up.... it was 4.51AM.

Yesterday was just awful. Like when you think it's never going to end and it's always going to be like this. If I could just go to sleep and not wake up. Really, really horrible.

And then the phone call. My levels have dropped rather drastically. 3 months ago they were at 10. They're now at 30. The higher the number the worse it is for me.

I cried so much. I just can't cope with it. Up and down for 2 years. Fixing doses is not helping. It's not working.

Whatever.

Sleeping so much - right now I just want to go to bed. Something is not right.

Still so tired. Sleeping so much more these days. I don't like it. It scares me.

Soup.... just a simple thing such as soup. I was so looking forward to it.

Hungry.

Face hurts. Bruised. Swelling subsiding but jaw movements restricted.

Don't want to go back tomorrow. Not in the mood.

Whatever you do, please don't run. Not this time.

I seem to start my days later when I don't have to get up. I'm not sure if this is a good thing? But usually it's after 12pm noon I get up. The morning just doesn't feel right... like what am I supposed to do at 10am? Weed, mow the lawn... hmmmm yes I think I should, but I just can't.

I did manage to watch The Walking Dead today. Loved it. All sorts of goodness. All sorts of scary goodness! I love post apocalyptic stories - whether they be zombie stories or those of good v evil. Like The Stand, The Dark Tower series. Still yet to read The Dome by Stephen King but very looking forward to it. I always wonder if I would survive or be one that would give up, lose my strength. I like to think that I'd be a survivor but I'm not so sure.

I've been getting some good feedback on my photos which is really great. It means a lot and by no means am I craving positive feedback. Any critique or criticism is welcome too. How else am I going to learn? I've met a few photographers over the last few weeks and just getting feedback and tips off them is fantastic as well as learning how they go about their photography as well. I just want to be the best that I can be. Maybe get published? Even if it's on a website for band photos. I need to get photoshop though so I can put my name on my photos. It's really awesome having my friends use my photos for their profile pics and adding them to their band sites but If my name isn't next to the photo or on it, no-one will know it's my image. That's all part of the learning process I guess.

Wishes you were here to stay with me until I fall asleep.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I'm better equipped this time.

But it still hurts.

I don't understand why it can't be.

I wish that whatever it is that is in the way would just FUCK OFF.

On a more positive note I've been getting some good feedback on my photos. Although I compare my photos to other photographers and think I am still so amateur.

I wish I could fall asleep in your arms and time would stop still so I'd never have to wake up and go back to reality.