Patience. Apparently it's a virtue. It's not something I'm good at, at all.

I'm also very good at convincing myself it's all over before it's even began.

I shouldn't be so trusting.

What do I know?

I want something I know nothing about.

I don't know why I bother. I'm just not cut out for it.

Met someone.

Really like them.

Have to go real slow.

They have the best laugh. And smile.

I've started sleeping with the curtains open and the window open. I can feel the cool night air touching my shoulders. It's blissful.

What isn't blissful is smelling the freshly cut grass I mowed tonight. I'm hoping it won't cause me to wake up in 2 hours scratching at my face and wanting to rip out the inside roof of my mouth with itchiness.

October 8, 2008 I wrote this on my LJ

My wish list

* good looking (i need to want to pounce on them at any given moment in time)
* likes same music as me - doesn't have to be all the same, but a lot similar
*likes going to gigs!!!!
*likes art (hahahah, yeah this one will never happen)
*likes tattoos/has them
*sense of humour- need to laugh, lots, and smile. Smiling is good and important.
*someone who can take the piss out of themselves, give shit and take shit from others
*personality
*likes dogs
* into cars/hotrods/kustoms
*has a job, has a car, doesn't live too far away
*has a brain/intelligence - I want to have intellectual conversations about the world and stuff
*same outlook on life/views
*part of alternative/underground subculture we all belong to
*likes camping/outdoors/beach
*adventurous/spontaneous
*has their own interests
*someone who can teach me new things
*dresses well (gives a shit about how they look- makes an effort, but not too much of an effort, no posers)
*someone FUN! who I can play lightsabres with in toys r us or even Kmart!
*preferably 28 - 34
* the big one - someone who will love me for me and put up with me in my good and bad and be there for me just as I will for them. This one is the big one and I'm yet to find someone who fits this criteria. They all leave and I think that's my main problem. Trust. I'm not confident enough in myself that I'm good enough that someone will stick around because they never have.

November 27, 2011

I'd like to change the following

*-as long as they are fine with my tattoos I don't care if they don't have any

*- liking cars/kustoms etc is NOT important

*- being family oriented is important - in the sense that they get along with their family. I like this because I never had one. So I look for it in someone else.

* - someone who can hold their own. Is outgoing enough to not need to be babysitted.

* - must be in their 30's!

Here's what I got from two separate guys last night.

The first I was told I was dancing too aggressively to the Snowdroppers. Then this guy says 'I don't want to sound creepy but I really want to get with you'. My response 'No. It's not going to happen'.

The second I'm told I rock because I'd been dancing for hours. Then I get 'you should come home with me'. After saying no, I'm going home numerous times they didn't seem too happy about that.

What the fuck?

Go away and leave me alone. I don't go home with guys. I never have and never will.

Research material for my assignment. Somehow I have to read all of this! There's more to be researched too.

I'm so effing tired!

Someone give me a shoulder massage please. Oh that's right, I live with my dog. No shoulder massage.

On to sourcing TWD ep 6.

It's Hot, It's Cold

The Cold War. It's something I know NOTHING about yet have this desire to know all about. I understand Hot wars. They're easy. But Cold Wars. Gets me confused every time. Gav explained it to me years ago when we were together but still..... there's this book called, of course, The Cold War -A New History by John Gaddis that looks really good. It all seems so complex and intriguing and political. Will I even understand it?

I have a thing with war and military. I want to learn as much as I can about it. It's not the act of men killing men (and innocent men, women and children, heck, isn't everyone 'innocent' in war? If you strip it all down to its bear minimum, is it not one man with a weapon standing pitched against another?) it's the actual thought that goes behind it, the strategy, the manouvering, the weapons, the mental and physical strength. It's fascinating yet vile. What humans do to each other, all in the name of ideology.

I've started reading The Fall of Yugoslavia. So I can have an understanding of the last war in the Balkans if I want to try for an internship at the ICTY. It's a hard read. But also important given I'm going to Croatia in June for 2 weeks. I didn't realise the war there was in 1990/1991. That's not so long ago. It was like going to Romania and being in Bucharest and followed around my undercover cops who thought we'd been 'robbed' by the woman who took us around for a tour of the city. Because we paid her money in the street and they saw, they thought we had been forced to give her money. We also couldn't say our tour group leader was just that. Whilst communism had apparently died with Ceausescu, remnants still remained in Bucharest. That was slightly scary.

Who wants to come over and bleach my hair so I can re-colour it red again? Yeah, I can't be bothered either. It's going to have to wait. I'm too busy this weekend.

Have I mentioned how awesome my boss is? He gives me a memo today and says there's a few things on it he wants me to have a look at. I'm thinking it's just arranging medical appointments or requesting info. Oh no. It's questions. To me! That I have to think and answer.

So I went through the file and certain documents and then prepared a memo in response detailing the worker's earnings, what I thought about liability (not looking good for our client) and whether we should get any witness statements and surveillance. I put the memo in his tray. After lunch he picks it up and says 'that was really quick, did you already have it in the file'. I said no, I just did it, the file was there so I just did it. I'm not sure if it's what you are after but that's my memo. The response 'it's brilliant'. Yeah, just wait until you read it first. You might be sending me back to plaintiff land, not defendant. Proud moment. I have my 3 month review tomorrow. Eeep! It's ok, I'm awesome and they love me *nods, yes they do*.

Still tired. I see the endocrinologist next Monday.

I have awesome friends. And new ones too. It's so nice meeting people who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, mistakes and all. Obviously there's good bits about me that people like but it's the true friends who can put up with you in all your colours and mirrors that truly matter.

Seriously not feeling it today.

I'm tired, lacking motivation and lethargic.

I'm questioning things too. Wondering what the fuck I am doing. Why am I wasting my time.

It's just past 9.12pm on a Saturday night and I'm desperately tired.

I'm forcing myself to eat dinner. I cooked dinner last night but was so tired I went to bed without eating anything.

I got my bloods taken today. I'll find out on the 28th what the results are. I'm not expecting good results. I'm expecting a reading of 'your levels are too high'= no wonder i'm tired! I'm so fucking sick of being tired. This has been going on for 4 years now of not being 'right'.

My tiredness is also making me question things. It's making my mood low. I can't study. I haven't studied for 4 nights in a row. I planned to have all my readings done by tomorrow so I have a whole week up my sleeve to work on my research assignment and do that - research!

What I need is to know. I can no longer give people an inch because they take a mile. They need to deserve the inch, not be given it.

I'm sitting here procrastinating. The weather is so warm and I need to study. I don't want to. I want to have my social life back and not study. Yet what will that achieve? It won't lead to better career options or opportunities for me. All I can do is what I do now. I want more than that.

Next year is going to be real tough. It also doesn't help that I've got 3 holidays planned in the first 6 months. Shit indeed.

Can I go to sleep now and just dream it all away.... that I've studied that is.

Tired.

Have to make food, can't be bothered.

Have to study, can't be bothered.

Not sure I'm that into Season 2 of The Walking Dead. Boardwalk Empire.... yes! Sons of Anarchy... oh it's so good.

Work is going really well. I have my 3 month probation interview this Friday. My boss got back from leave on Monday and asked me how everything is going and how I'm finding it all. I said I can do the processing of the work, no problems, it's just the legal side of things in not knowing what to look for and the questions to ask. The next day he called me into his office and said he wants me to do the letters to the employers asking all the questions. I'll need to read the affidavit and statement of claim and go from there. I was so rapt! I've been, not bored, but not overly challenged. I can do the work no doubt, I can talk the talk with the employers and Counsel and other firm solicitors but I'm starting fresh with the legal side of things on the opposite side of the fence and that's my weakness at the moment (which I don't like as it makes me feel like a junior starting all over again. I haven't been one of those for 11 years). So I'm looking forward to using my brain and proving exactly how good I am.

Friends are awesome. I love the drive home from pizza with Sam every Monday. We always end up singing in unison to some cheesy song. This week it was Elton John. Last night was dinner with Nica and her work mates. Great night out. Today was lunch with Bree. I miss working with her. My ex number 2 boss Anna emailed me during the week and we're going to catch up next month for lunch. I can't wait. She's awesome and someone I really admired and looked up to. She has such a wonderful professionalism that I could really learn from. She has also resigned and is moving on to bigger and better pastures.

I'm so looking forward to a relatively quiet weekend after a really busy one last weekend. I crave my alone time.

Next weekend is going to be HUGE. Who decided to study over summer when there's so many social activities going on? I think I'd be bored if I wasn't to be honest.

Apparently I have 9 followers on my tumblr. Ok, whatever.

Head space is very.... Hard to describe but like a low humming buzz. Emphasis on low. I'm sick of being regulated by drugs.

In more exciting news I was given more responsibility at work today.

Tonight I would very muchly like to have someone to curl up behind, put my arm around them and fall asleep. Too bad I continue to ......

Over it.

Is there really a point?

Why am I studying? What for? What will it give me? Aside from a huge debt at the end and I'm not even guaranteed to get articles to get admitted to be a lawyer, which I don't even know if I want to be one. Why bother?

What's the point of taking a risk and asking someone out to find out the have made vows of the ring sort. Failure. I should just stay home and sleep forever.

No what I need to do is just STOP. I don't think I'm meant for all that this world has. Work sure. Friends sure. Happiness and Love - ha, that's just not funny anymore.

So sleepy tired but here's a minor update.

Friends are awesome.

I had the bestest weekend in ever with the most awesomest people ever (and there's still awesome people in my life I didn't get to spend the weekend with).

Friday - dinner and drinks

Saturday - overdue chats/catch up plus band viewing

Sunday - day out with a new friend

Monday - fabulous dinner and conversation

Tuesday - STUDY time.

I'm trying to do it all, live the dream. Work, study, have a social life, save money, have a bit of money to go out with (not my usual $20 a week allowance - yes that's how I can afford to travel every few years, I live scrimpingly!). So far so good.

Hound dog has taken to sleeping on the floor next to my bed. Naww such a sweetheart. <3



- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Monday to Friday - Work + Study

The Weekend - Study.

Social Life - bwahahahahahahahaha that's funny.

No seriously it's very stagnant. Although I'm having a semi social weekend this weekend!

And next weekend - Friday night is work stuff and Saturday is HARVEST!! If I'm still 'with it' Sunday (meaning not sleeping all day and night because I'm so tired from Harvest) there's a Dolly Parton tribute at Yah Yah's! Cool huh!

Perhaps I could have something to look at on the train again tomorrow?