So being back I feel like I did before I left. Trapped. Unmotivated. My mind has not stopped since I got back. Constantly going over and over and over things. I wish I could turn it off I really do. I slept for 2.5 hours last night. Went to bed after 2am and woke up at 4.30am and couldn't get back to sleep. I intermittently kept waking up during the day but I just couldn't get up. I was so tired I felt like lead. I eventually did at 1700 for pizza.
Pizza was awesome. I had a moment of sitting there looking across at my friends and thinking how lucky I am to have them in my life. How happy they were to see me and have me back. I missed them. They know me and understand me. I felt home. Nadyne looked so lovely and happy and I was happy Maiki and Christine came along, they don't come along that often anymore and I miss that. Sam is just beautiful as always and Timb is always smiling and saying something funny.
This year has been.... well so far there's been a lot of thinking about my future and where I want to be and what do I want out of my life. What will I settle for? What is important and what isn't? I'm trying so hard to break my bad habits and weaknesses and fears and while sometimes it's a struggle I feel like I'm getting there, slowly. I was a bit rude to a friend last night because I thought I was getting the blow off and it's all because of past bullshit that have nothing to do with them and now I feel like a selfish bitch. I have to call my dad and now that I'm back I just don't want to. I just want to run and hide and sleep in my fantasy world until it's all fixed in the real world and I don't have to deal with it. I don't even know if he's alive. I sent him a letter a few years ago after G and I broke up telling him what had been happening with me. No reply. Nothing. I sent him a birthday card this year for the first time in forever. My birthday is two weeks after his. I got nothing. No call, no card, nothing. I cried myself to sleep on the night of my birthday because of it. It just confirmed to me what I've always thought and felt - that I'm nothing, I'm not worthy, I'm not important, I'm not good enough. And I'm sick of holding all this shit in. He's been a lousy dad, he hasn't even been one. And yet deep down I still care. Care about someone who couldn't give a second of a thought about me. And I do it continually, over and over and over every single fucking time. I'm sick of weakness. I will not have weakness in my life any more. Including my own. I'm worth it and if someone doesn't think I am, well, see ya. I don't need nor want people in my life who don't respect me or don't/won't give me the time I deserve. I was totally disrespected all of last year and I allowed myself to be and I've eradicated that person from my life. So I need to get some balls and make a call and get this shit over and done with for good. And if I cry, then I cry. I haven't done it because I didn't want to be weak and get upset. But I know I will get upset because it's been with me for 20 years and it needs to go. I cant' carry it anymore. I can't keep letting it affect my relationships. My last one ended because of all of this shit and I refuse to let it be part of my life anymore. Be gone!
I'm dreading next week. I don't want to go back. I don't want to do it anymore. I just don't have the strength or the energy for it anymore. Mentally I'm done. I'm scared about going forward and I may have to change direction, in a sense of the dark side and I'm not sure if I can do that morally or ethically but maybe I should give it a go and who knows, it may not be as bad as I think. It's about expanding ideas and growing as a person and doing the holiday on a whim was about that. It didn't seem to go so quick when we were out there but now that I'm back, wow it went fast.
Tomorrow I need to be productive. Get some essentials like a new house phone so I can actually dial out, materials to finish my creative project which I've decided to keep for myself, and remember to donate blood for examination so my doctor can tell me whether my thyroid levels are "still low" or ok. I'm suspecting a bit low. And make some calls. Oh and a colour.
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