Saturday, July 31, 2010

Mr Sandman

I'm still having problems sleeping. I thought Thursday night was the beginning of normalcy but it was just a tease. I went to Nic's for dinner and she made a delicious dinner for both of us and fed me well. It was really cool just hanging out, eating great food and drinking delicious wine whilst being smooged by Ginger cat - who bit my head! It didn't hurt, just surprised me. That's what I got for playing around and creating 'Fondle Me' on her fridge in letters and laughing hysterically like a child about it. Small things amuse me (clearly).

I decided to do something different for a change. I was going to drive N to work anyway so I figured I may as well go in with her and hang out at the bar. I took a book with me. Sure it's a bit weird but people do that right? Just more in the day I guess. Whilst reading Beat one young kid started talking to me. It was a very basic conversation of books, movies and a slight political question. I was then left alone. I quite liked people watching at the upstairs bar. I would have been happy to do that all night. Just watching. It's a great past time. Did I look that young when I was that young? Wow. Maybe I'm just getting older although I don't feel it that's for sure. And how drunk were some people at 11pm. I've definitely been staying in for too long. Or just going where the young kids aren't that's for sure. When we relocated to the downstairs bar and I took my seat at the bar again I was again interrupted after reading only 1 page of my book. So WW1 was discussed. As you do in a bar? Topic of my book.

I find it interesting when people say 'i'm getting old'. I then ask them how old they are and usually they're 26-28. Friday night it was a 26 year old guy. I definitely feel more comfortable in my 30's and definitely do not feel 'old' or that time is running out or that I can no longer do things that I used to do when I was younger just because of the number of years I've been living. I think that's a cop out. I strongly believe that if you want to do something - you'll do it, or at the very least try as hard as you can to make it happen. I think people get lazy and use the 'age' thing as an excuse because they just can't be bothered. They're towing societies line and getting in that line behind all of the other sheep. I refuse to get in that line. Life is hard at times. It it was easy what would be point? We would be a whole subconscious of zombies and robots walking around. Sure there are aspects of my life I'd like to be different but the only thing I have control over is ME. Not anyone else. What do people expect out of their life? What do they hoped to have achieved or think they need or should have done by a certain time in their life? Maybe they just don't want to miss out.








Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Home

It's Monday night and 12.41am. Apparently jet lag exists, who would have thought? I've never experienced it before... honestly I never have. Until now. It sucks balls.

So being back I feel like I did before I left. Trapped. Unmotivated. My mind has not stopped since I got back. Constantly going over and over and over things. I wish I could turn it off I really do. I slept for 2.5 hours last night. Went to bed after 2am and woke up at 4.30am and couldn't get back to sleep. I intermittently kept waking up during the day but I just couldn't get up. I was so tired I felt like lead. I eventually did at 1700 for pizza.

Pizza was awesome. I had a moment of sitting there looking across at my friends and thinking how lucky I am to have them in my life. How happy they were to see me and have me back. I missed them. They know me and understand me. I felt home. Nadyne looked so lovely and happy and I was happy Maiki and Christine came along, they don't come along that often anymore and I miss that. Sam is just beautiful as always and Timb is always smiling and saying something funny.

This year has been.... well so far there's been a lot of thinking about my future and where I want to be and what do I want out of my life. What will I settle for? What is important and what isn't? I'm trying so hard to break my bad habits and weaknesses and fears and while sometimes it's a struggle I feel like I'm getting there, slowly. I was a bit rude to a friend last night because I thought I was getting the blow off and it's all because of past bullshit that have nothing to do with them and now I feel like a selfish bitch. I have to call my dad and now that I'm back I just don't want to. I just want to run and hide and sleep in my fantasy world until it's all fixed in the real world and I don't have to deal with it. I don't even know if he's alive. I sent him a letter a few years ago after G and I broke up telling him what had been happening with me. No reply. Nothing. I sent him a birthday card this year for the first time in forever. My birthday is two weeks after his. I got nothing. No call, no card, nothing. I cried myself to sleep on the night of my birthday because of it. It just confirmed to me what I've always thought and felt - that I'm nothing, I'm not worthy, I'm not important, I'm not good enough. And I'm sick of holding all this shit in. He's been a lousy dad, he hasn't even been one. And yet deep down I still care. Care about someone who couldn't give a second of a thought about me. And I do it continually, over and over and over every single fucking time. I'm sick of weakness. I will not have weakness in my life any more. Including my own. I'm worth it and if someone doesn't think I am, well, see ya. I don't need nor want people in my life who don't respect me or don't/won't give me the time I deserve. I was totally disrespected all of last year and I allowed myself to be and I've eradicated that person from my life. So I need to get some balls and make a call and get this shit over and done with for good. And if I cry, then I cry. I haven't done it because I didn't want to be weak and get upset. But I know I will get upset because it's been with me for 20 years and it needs to go. I cant' carry it anymore. I can't keep letting it affect my relationships. My last one ended because of all of this shit and I refuse to let it be part of my life anymore. Be gone!

I'm dreading next week. I don't want to go back. I don't want to do it anymore. I just don't have the strength or the energy for it anymore. Mentally I'm done. I'm scared about going forward and I may have to change direction, in a sense of the dark side and I'm not sure if I can do that morally or ethically but maybe I should give it a go and who knows, it may not be as bad as I think. It's about expanding ideas and growing as a person and doing the holiday on a whim was about that. It didn't seem to go so quick when we were out there but now that I'm back, wow it went fast.

Tomorrow I need to be productive. Get some essentials like a new house phone so I can actually dial out, materials to finish my creative project which I've decided to keep for myself, and remember to donate blood for examination so my doctor can tell me whether my thyroid levels are "still low" or ok. I'm suspecting a bit low. And make some calls. Oh and a colour.




Friday, July 23, 2010

I don't know where I am but.....

This place is magnificent. I've randomly walked into a church and it is simply magnificent. Gold (or is it bronze) covers the ceiling and arches entwined with paintings and sculptures of angels and cherubs and others. There's so much in here to describe but it's just beautiful. Two sets of organs sit either side of the altar but forward of the altar with two small domed rooms underneath them. And the place is just a square building to look at. From outside. Yet step through that heavy door and wow. Now there's soft music playing. I'm not religious in any way but I think churches are beautiful and this music playing - soft singing is just lovely to listen to. I can't take photos in here unfortunately. But I can sit an wonder at the beauty surrounding me.
Chiesa del gesu is the church

Its now 1445. I'm exhausted. I tried to find the catacombs but gave up. I don't have an outer suburbs map and after walking 2 really long blocks with nothing in sight I got the first metro back into town. I'm hot, sweaty, hungry and in need of fluid which mAkes me slightly agro given yhe amount of people around. So I'm at colosseo and about to eat my spinach for some sort of sustenance. My mission is to find a vinyl record store oh over there somewhere.

It's meant to be 33 degrees today. It feels like 36-37. Do you know how good frozen fanta is to drink? Even when it costs 5euro. So damn good. And the drinking
Fountains that are everywhere are great. It's even better when I filled my cap with water and put it over my head to cool down. So good. My nose is burnt and has maybe acquired some freckles.

Geez don't take me into a record store. I found soul food but it was CLOSED! Noooo. I walked all this way especially and I can see all the cool stuff through the window but it's closed. Then I noticed the sign. Open again from 1530. It's just passed. I'm waiting out yhe front like a stalker.
I buy 2 vinyl records - the dammed and radio birdman.

Tonight is our last night. I'm ready to come home. I'm looking forward to Sunday and picking up yhe hound dog and maybe some friends can come over and entertain me. That would be awesomesauce.

I've really enjoyed this trip. I've had a great time and it's been really awesome to share it with Rach and have her here. I'll be sad to leave rome but sure I'll come back as I will do with Spain and barca. Home now means doing some hard yards but I know I'm strong enough to deal with it and get through it. It's time to move forward not continue going around in circles. Life is pretty damn good right now.

Love.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Photos




















My sangria and menu of


bar from last night in barca, photo of outside bar in barca, first thing I saw in Paris and the polar bear, plus my first meal in Paris and my last meal (lamb parcel)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone out. NB: time of writing blog and actual time posting blog will differ due to lack of wifi connection on the road.

Interesting times in Italy - Monday night

So Rach has had to run down the road to avoid being picked up by restaurant man - who gave us about 3 glasses of prosecco (spl?) free plus amazing dark chocolate from the guillotine (milano)- my goodness you could taste the cocoa.....it was divine.

So we go to the kinda fancy seafood restaurant up the hill from the hotel. We order the seafood platter to share- they bring out two. No just one. No we don't want bread. Oh fuvk now they hate us. The food is sooooo good Yhe calamari is just divine.

We finally order our 'mains' which is a insalada Di mare(seafood salad) and tomato and mozarella. Finally after I nearly fall asleep and start to get cranky due to tiredness we get our food. Damn it is good. The mozarella was a huge little (oxymoron) ball of milkyness and so soft. Just yum. Tomato with fresh basil. Drool. Yhe seafood again is fabulous and the scampi is so sweet and juicy I never want prawns again after scampi. The waiter guy brings us a glass of sparkling free, and keeps topping our glasses. Then te dark chocolate oh my goodness it was so delicious. He had the hots for Rach bad. He's going to the Ice Club. Yeah we're back at the hotel going to bed. Poor bugger.

So w have this ongoing joke bout lemurs. There was a show on BBC or ccn about some woman taking care of them. The narrator guy was american really emphasising Leeemuurrr. So I started including lemur in the conversation and really emphasising leemeeer like the guy. Rach laughs hysterically each time I lemur it up. You just have to be here to understand how funny it is.

I'll probably have a hangover now thanks to girlfriend being a floosy. Fabulous meal and great evening seeing we thought they hated us.

I can't steal internet from the hotel like I thought I could. I had it and then it's gone. Fuckers. So I'll write stuff and then post it Thursday when I pay. Should be


free in this sort of hotel.




-




Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone out.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Some photos from my phone

If they load in order I'm posting a photo from the train we took from Madrid to Barcelona, the first thing I saw after getting off the metro in Barcelona, a street, park guell and another photo of my sangria. They're poor quality but it's something. Ok they're back to front. So bottom to top.
















- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday

We hit Roma late last night. After our airport to hotel transfer issues - they'd closed just after our flight landed. Nice. We got a crazy arsed driver who I thought on numerous ocassions was going to run up the arse of the car in front, he nearly hit a pole on the footpath and then seemed to be lost trying to find our hotel. We drove past the river and my goodness, it was so beautiful. All lit up with restaurants and people and big houses/apartments. Really beautiful. I knew at that moment that I loved this place already.

Our hotel is right near the forum and colosseum. We drove by the monumento vittorio Emmanuel II and it's at the back of the hotel. It's huge and amazing.

During breakfast I declared i thought it was a really beautiful city. Rach said 'but you haven't even seen it yet'. I don't need to see a whole city to know it's beauty. I see what I see and I feel what I feel. I know that I love this place already.

So, my main dream has always been to see the colosseum. I don't know why or where it came from it's just been that way. And see it I did. Yes it's amazing. I did the standard (I'm sure) "oh wow" but I think I internalized my reaction more and just took it all in in my head than verbally. Just to be able to walk around and see all the levels and picture it in my head how it used to look with all those people and the ground surface area they would have watched the gladiators and the animals. Unfortunately the bottom part is not open yet. I'm disappointed in my photos. Too over exposed and it was so hot today - stifling, the worst we've had our whole time away, that I just couldn't see the screen with the glare to check shots. Maybe 4 are good enough. Maybe I'm too critical of myself. I set a high standard for photos. Mediocrity just doesn't cut it in my world. I'm not a perfectionist at all but for my photos I'm very critical. I just need to learn more.

So the colosseo was amazing and really wonderful to walk around. I couldn't believe I was there. I said to myself 'you're in the colosseum' but it still didn't seem real. I was dripping with sweat to the point I was licking salt off my mouth. I can usually deal with the heat, 40 degrees bring it on, it bares no problem for me. But here..... damn it's hot. The humidity is just whoa it hits you. We've stocked up on mineral water - it cost us 67 cents aus for a 1.5 litre bottle. We got 6.

It doesn't appear that expensive here. It's on par with Spain and I like here heaps more than Paris. The architecture is beautiful, it's so old, the people are friendly and so far not too expensive for food. I'm already dreading having to leave and it's only our first day.

I had pasta for lunch but I'm hungry again! Pasta primavera with zucchini, gorgonzola, peas and Parmesan. So yum. My palette is definitely different to rachs. She thought the pineapple juice at breakfast was too strong-I guzzled it down in one glug almost and I thought the gorgonzola was really subtle. Apparently not. So it's interesting I can stomach the more rich flavours, however I can't do spicy and R loves chili!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Roma

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

How many photos of Gaudi´s work can you take?

Too many!! Sometimes you have to stop and say to yourself ´cease and desist´. I say that often to my dog actually. He just looks at me.
Hola! We made it to Barcelona. My two memories of Madrid Iwanted to put down were the lovely Chinese couple outside the Prado who asked R to take a photo of them and then took a photo of us. They couldn´t speak our language and we couldn´t speak theirs but the simple exchange of gratuities I love. And the black cocker spaniel who gravitated towards me while we were having paella for lunch and put his paw out to shake hands. Oh he was so cute.

Barca- Rach nearly got pickpocketed on the metro to our hotel. Had I known what was going on I would have socked the old guy one. That scared me a bit and I´m not one to scare easily. I might look nice but I have to side to me- some of you know my random abuse of people on the streets... so don´t fuck with me people.But since then so far so good we´ve been wary. Our hotel (Regencia Colon) is in the Barri Gotic quarter right next to the Barcelona Cathedral. We got the fast train from Madrid - the countryside made me think of centuries past and all the men that would havewalked over the thousands of klms to fight in their armour. You could see remnants of old fortified falls or mini cities maybe? like Hadrians Wall.

Anyway Barca is beautiful. So beautiful, i´t´s so big there´s so much to see and we have limitedtime. Rach is excellent with directions. We walked around heaps yday and made it to La Ramblas and then I could sense that we were close to the ocean. And bangthere it was in front of us. I was so excited. I really wanted to make it to the water. I think I´m truly happy when I´m near the water. It´´s like everything disappears and you just gaze out into the vastness and just let y our thoughts go. Lots of boats and ships and just amazing. It´s hot here but not like our summers. I got burnt today, so my shoulders and nose are red.Awesome! Love that red nose.

It gets dark after 9 maybe 930 even. The culture suits me perfect. Go out for the day,come back to room, snooze, t hen dinner at 830 onwards. We had sorta tapas last night and tried out all these different things on bread - spanish sausage, cod, jamon, potato and salmon, so yum. Everyone is out late, even families. So many streets - more like laneways with their multitude of apartments.

There´s so much that´s been going through my mind that I simply cannot recall it all. I never stop thinking and I definitely think too much. But I love it here it´s great. I´m pleased with some of the photos I´ve taken and oh yday we found a church that was open so we went in andhad a sit down out of the sun. I learnt I have a function on my camera where I can take photos without flash. I thought it was more respectful to do that in a church. I´ve got some really nice black and white shots too. And some night shots. Barcelona is a really big city.

We walked so much today and covered a lot of ground. Today was our Gaudi day so we walked up to Casa Batilla - i may have the street wrong but it´s his apartments. We did that took photos and then went up to La Pedera which was great and got to go inside to see an apartment and then on to rooftop terrace for view s of cityand sculptures. It was 11 euros whichwasn´t toobad. You could see Montjuic Castle/Cathedral from the top and I gotexcited about that. We´ll do G audi cathedral tomorrow as R wants to go inside but we need to get their early. We did a massive walk to Park Guell, Gaudi´s park.

I´t´s interesting seeing how other people take photos. For me I hate people in my photos. Hate it. Move o ut ofthe f&ki8ng way peoplke. Hate it. There was this mosaic dragon and every f(ker was sitting next to him, putting their hands in front of his mouth to feelthe water. It´s the first time I´ve cracked it . It´s ART not something you sit on. So all I couldget was a close up of said dragon, not dragon and what was behind dragon. The park was beautiful. I walked quite a way to the top - it´s so big we di dn´tcover all of it. VBut I got toa point where I could see over Barcelona to the sea and all of a sudden I had a ´moment´. No I didn´t cry or have a sook, but I did have a moment and I had to sit down. You know when all of a sudden everything is just so beautiful and you realise how lucky you are and there are no words or thoughts in your mind but that one moment and you just ARE or you just BE. It was that. It was around 3pm Barca time, so 10pm back home. I sat there on the ground, in the sun, looking out over the city and I just was.

There´s so much that I want to express but just can´´t because it´s all swimming around. Tomorrow we will do Gaudi´s cathedral and I´m very looking forward to going up to Montjuic. I read this book The Shadow of the Wind and it´s set in Barcelona in early 1940s and spans maybe 20 years - look it up I won´t have time to write what it´s about. Anyway I loved the book and from that book have abit of an understanding about Barcelona, hence wanting to go to the çwater, Barceloneta and up to Montjuic. I think that is all we will get time for. And I must find th is picture of two girls sittingdown infront of a light that lo oks like a double image of a sku ll. There´s a Dali exhibition but I didn´t pay8 eu ro for it. Maybe if we get downtimeI´ll go back for it.

What I did do is buy 3 postcards. 2 new Dali works I don´t have and they had reflection of elephants so I bought the postcard for that. That´s the pic that I had in the hallway outside the bathroom that Jess pinned me up against and broke the glass with the weightof my body being pushed against it. The glass broke and tore against the picture. I´ve never replaced the picture because it´s ruined and I couldn´t look at it without it reminding me what he did. So now I have replaced it - sure it´s a postcard but it´s a new memory now. And a better one at that.

I thought of my hound dog today. H ow I would have loved forhim to be inPark Guell with me, off lead trotting in front of me and randomly looking behind him at me...... I hope he´s ok in the kennels.

I´m not sure I´ll be able to get onto facebook today, I had tech issues before and was locked out. But if not for whoever readst this I hope you´re all doing great and everything is kicking along nicely for you all. I am thinking about you.

I kinda feel like I´m a shit travel b uddy for Rach. Yday she asked if I was ok because I was quiet. I guess I´m so used to being alone that everything is contained in my head. My thoughts I keep to myself alot. I spend a lotof timejust lookin g and absorbing than verbalising it all. Nadyne probably understands this the most - we are so alike in how we th ink and I was t hinking about that today. And today thinking about how Christine would write her blog and all the interesting and descriptive things she would talk about. And all the different chewing gum for Matt, and all the skaters for Jules- so many skaters, no hot ones though. Wondering how Sam is going, and h ow Maiki´s leisure time is going - don´t waste it!!! Steve and Nic will be getting read tohead off soon as will Guy and Angel. And Christopher, wondering what you would do here, aside from drink beer.

Oh I made such an ass of myself before. I have a bit of chesty cough happening so we went to the Farmacia and I go up to the pharmacy guy and say, hola, medecina ..... and then I coughed...... and you know what happened next? He replied ´´dry or chesty?´´. Are you kdding, you speak English....... I felt so dumb. I try all the time to speak Spanish. It´s fun Ireally enjoy it, even when they speak back and I no entendiendo. This lovely lady was speaking Spanish to us today telling us about thepickpockets and thieves... Rach was speaking english back to her telling her about the guy on the metro and the lady was showing us a knife and it was so lovely, despite neither understanding the language we still understood each other and I love those moments. Plus all the other people who ask us to take photos for them and then offer for us. I offered an Italian family for me to take aphoto - the husband was taking aphoto of mum and 2kids, so I offered a photo. They loved it. It´s important to capture those moments as one, not split up.

It still has not hit me where I am. That I´m the otherside of theworld, in spain. Although I did think today that my mum and dad came here in the late 70s before I was born, so maybe 74 or 75. They came to Barcelona and I thought it was really cool that all these years later my mother´s daughter got to come here too. I think she´d be happy with that.

I smell my skin and I smell of sweat, but damn I earnt that sweat today.

I probably won´t be on again until Paris - Thursday. Germany v Spain is tomorro

Monday, July 5, 2010

Hola, bienvenue de Madrid

Hello, welcome to Madrid! We made it. The flight was the best I've ever experienced no sickness and the smoothest landings. There was the most beautiful sunset ontheplane I swear it wentfor and hour and a half. A layer of red,orange and yellow. So beautiful

We navigated our way from the airport to our hotel. So easy! Rach is great with directions and I'm designated language chick. Problem is I say HOla andpeople stArt speaking to me in Spanish! But we get by. We found a supermarket yday and I ordered the fruit in Spanish. We bought the most amazing jamon (cured ham like prosciutto) and ate it in our room with a slab of Brie and delicious apple. We had a snooze woke up watched some of Spain v pRaguay and were meant to go out for dinner. We slept. Until the morning. Oooops. Were both still sick so feel our bodies needed it.

Today we found the museo de prado but no time to visit. We hopped on a hop on/hop off bus and visited Real Palacio. It was rather beautiful but after I lost Rach I was walking around outside And saw a sign Real Armourier. There's an armoury???? Slight squeal of delight from me. And wow the armoury was amazing. Full on shields of helmets. arms, intricate hands. Body armour for men and horses dAting back to 1550. And the weapons- spears, swords and guns. So beautiful they were all so intricately designed and just amazing. We had paella for lunch and went thru the botannical gardens on the way back. We were out 8hrs today and it reached 39 degrees. But it only felt like 30 but I was sweating like a little piglet.

When we arrived yday it was overcast and raining! Yep and it rained most of the night but it wasn't cold. Madrid is a pretty city we walked around A lot of lanes and the architecture is so lovely that's what Iove about Europe so much, the architecture. And everyone seems to live in apartments with thisebeautiful shutters.

I got some good shots today. Shame I can't shAre any until I'm back and there's heaps of other stuff to say but it's midnigth and I'm posting this from my ph in the hotel lobby. It's the only Internet I could get. So I'm 7 hours behind melb time. I can receive text messages and send butimitedwith my net

Tomoorrow. We get a fast train to barcelona which should be fun. The language barrier hasn't been too bad although most don't speak english but I try my best with hello and thankyou and when ordering food and getting the bill to speak Spanish and it's fun too. I like being out of my comfort zone and hearing all the different languages.

I have no idea what's going on back home but hope everyone is warm - sam that means you! And well.

Ciao
Xx


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Hotel CArlton Madrid

Friday, July 2, 2010

up up and away

Blegh I'm sick. Great timing. Thankfully my head is ok it's now just my nose and throat. Throat is the worst today. Veryrazorbladeish and lots of phlegm and mucous on the lungs. Awesome! I'm just hoping my ears don't burst on the plane - the right one has a bit pressure against it but the left is fine.

Pretty much packed. It's going to be on average 30 degrees plus everywhere we go although Paris may be a bit temperamental which is fine. I feel like I've packed too many clothes but there's still heaps of room in my pack and it feels really light - although I haven't added toiletries yet. Fuck they're a pain.

So now I need to take the hound to the kennels. Poor hound. At least we spooned for a little bit this morning. He's such a sweet dog he really is. He just wants cuddles and love and whilst he can be very needy sometimes (I don't do needy) he's very loveable. I'm sure he'll be ok in the kennels.

This time tomorrow we'll be 2 hours into Madrid - well we arrive there at 8am Sat but who knows what the time difference is.
Monday we head to Barca (Barcelona), then on the 8th we go to Paris (really looking forward to going there again and really experiencing it property this time) and then on the 16th we head to Roma (I can wait for it because I it's the dessert of the trip and the piece de' resistence and will be amazing). Home on 24th.

Stay warm and well.

Keep on rockin' in the free world.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

An' if you wouldn't mind.....


And the song for today is..... my ringtone



Random things



My new Buzz Lightyear drinking glass

I've had these shells in my glove compartment since
I went away to Marengo in late January.

A book to read whilst on holiday


No more of my desk for a whole month!

Part of my creative project