Through all the hurt and the pain and the badness there always come light.

I believe that in order to find happiness one must suffer first. I know that sounds very dramatic and melancholy but it's just what I believe. How can you know what is good and what makes you smile and glow inside if you haven't experienced the darkness.

I have learnt so much this year. I'm so grateful for it. It's forever an ongoing journey, one that will only end when I die. It's a journey I want to be on for a really really long time, with those in my life who mean the world to me.

This morning just proved it.

Thank you. I want honesty, even if it hurts sometimes. Now, it's better.

I have such a long long way to go with my photography. It's so amateur and because I'm still a bit confused about what I'm doing I'm lacking in confidence, but I still give it a go. And that's what I learnt today - confidence is very important.

Dinner with Sam and Dave was great. Awesome sea stories too!

Hayfever is coming by regularly for a visit. Please visit someone else. Or just go away and leave us all alone.

............. yeah, still.

Stuff from today:

Rose

I took my new lens out for a crack today and tried to figure out if I've learnt anything these past 4 weeks. Some things I tried worked, some things didn't. Walking down the back steps of Fed Square there were 10 photographers snapping away with mega huge lenses (drool) and some guy saying 'i don't want to see any overexposure' (Oh I hear you there!) and then some model posing while the click of camera shutters were pressed feverishly.

So I hovered at the back with my lil 50mm lens attached to my camera body. Fuck it, I metered off a green sign, got my compensation sorted for my shutter and snap! took a photo myself. The teacher had looked at me whilst I was looking and sort of smiled.... after I took my photo I slowly sauntered off and heard someone commenting on me joining the group but not belonging to the group. Thanks!

S goes off on his trip tomorrow AM. I just spoke to him. I'm about to head to bed and too tired to see him. I suck I know. I did call. That is something.

Nearly finished my book. I want to read out the arctic expedition next.

Being at home with my dog for the first night this week.

______ ______ ______ *************** _________ _______

Deja vu

Nervous, Scared, Apprehensive, did I mention Scared?, Excited..... last minute wanting to just cancel.

Letting myself go, free of all thoughts, hopes, expectations. Open heart.

Awesome night. Talking for hours, laughing, sharing. just being. Really, really, great. Didn't want it to end. Why can't I stop time. Just to savour those moments longer.

Have I mentioned lately how much I dislike my job. Another fucking form. Sure, let's waste my time by double handling. Let's re-scan the same 11 documents I've just scanned because we've amended TWO OF THEM. Gee, how about I just re-scan the TWO that need re-scanning. How's that for time management, effectiveness and efficiency. Fucking brilliant I think.

Accepted my offer, signed up for my three subjects, signed up for my workshop.

Now to work out flights and accommodation. It's going to cost at least $600 for a 4 day study workshop. Yay. I think 2011 will be the year of the BROKE.

Kinda looking forward to next week. To just not be at work. Despite all the pain I'll be in, eh minor detail. I'm tough. I can deal with it.

I've been accepted into my first choice of Uni for LLB. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm shitting myself! I'm scared most of all. That I'll fail and won't be able to grasp any of the language.

Got an awful infection on my little finger. I've picked at every single 'blister' bubble and it looks like little black spider eyes all over my finger which is now so red raw. Maybe my attacking of the pus and subsequent Detol will actually make it better? Meh

Scared.

Sent off another app.

Sleepy

Great weekend.

Concrete Blonde Friday night. Damn Johnette can sing. Like hot molten liquid slowly flowing down your throat, silken smooth. Got to catch up with some friends I went to uni with which was awesome. It's been so long but our passion for music still keeps bringing us together.

Saturday night out was awesome. I had such a great time. Got all dressed up and had some dances. Good talking with good friends and just fun and frivolity. It was well needed. I can't wait to see the photos.

Just when I thought today was the first day of non-pain and feeling almost 'normal' it's now 9.46pm and the throbbing is back. It's not as severe as it has been but.... somehow I managed to lose a sheet of Mersyndol from my bag last night. It was the last I had and I should have just taken 2 tablets with me but I took the whole sheet. Needless to say when I got home I only had my Nurofen plus in my bag... and not the Mersyndol. So I'm feeling it again. Although it is a lot better.

Blair is coming down from Sydney in two weeks. I think Chris will be in LA and I get my teeth out on the 3rd.... I still want to catch up with B even if I've got a puffy face and I'm in pain. If I can speak then I'll be there. It's been forever!!! I'm pretty sure the last time I saw them was on my birthday and it was after J and I split up.... so maybe 5 years? We all had dinner at Penang Affair on Brunswick St and went to DVD and danced and danced. I remember we danced to Somebody told me by the Killers...

I'm very open to the possibility of new beginnings. I think I'm ready.

If only you could have been there to experience it too.

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Pain pain go away don't ever come again.

I think I may need an extraction. It is so painful! I had to take drugs at 4.45am this morning because I don't think I'd slept. I don't usually take pain killers. Usually I just put up with the pain, but I've been on Nurofen all day. It's hurting again. I can barely open my mouth, swallowing is so painful. M was laughing at me at pizza trying all these different ways of trying to shove small pieces of pizza in my gob.

W = BORING. Oh another form to complete. Yawn.

I haven't done very well this week on my assignment. I failed miserably today in what I was trying to achieve. But I don't really know what I'm doing anyway so...... I cracked the shits. What I'm producing is just utter shit. It's not good enough and I should be doing better. It's harder than I thought.

My outfit I tried to create for the weekend - epic fail. Looks ridiculous. Blegh.

Bed. Time. Now. 10.28pm. Clock slightly fast.

I've been in pain for 2 days straight. I have a wisdom tooth trying to break through on the left side of the mouth, right at the back. It fucking kills. I can barely open my mouth wider than 1cm to eat, swallowing is painful and it's a constant ongoing pain. I'm hoping it will pass and it's not serious enough that I need surgery to rip the fucker out. My left gland in my throat is swollen too.

I've tried to work on my outfit for next week. Hopefully it won't look ridiculous.

Friday was awesome. Parachute men all over the house, great friends, good times, laughing. Too bad not everyone could make it but we had a great crew.

Looking forward to next Saturday and the 30th.

I love you hound dog. You are the best.

Still sooo tired. Can't get up in the morning. By home time I'm just yawning and feeling so drained.

I recycled a picture frame from my bathroom wall. I turned the picture over, put black paper over the backing and fixed my mini paintings I got in Rome to the black paper and voila! new artwork for the bathroom.

So grumpy today. But then seemed to get a proper thanks when I left. ????

Really liking my new book - Wonders of a Godless World.

Looking forward to Friday - hopefully everything will come together nicely.

Movida Saturday!!

And I'm thinking Sunday I'll keep to me. Fuel Mag launch but I just wanna hang home.

I keep looking at holidays which a) I can't afford and b) don't have any leave to take anyway

There's an awesome trip through Patagonia but it's new and may not take off. After xmas holidays I'll be back to no leave again. As it is I only have 1 day owing to me and I've already booked in 5 hours of it.

Do I really really really???? In all honesty, YES.

Happy

There is never enough time in the day to devote to one's friends.

I seriously dislike my job.

I really like some of the people I work with and have developed better working relationships with some people lately. Which is really cool.

I feel like I should be making a decision about something in particular, but I really don't know. I'm keeping my options (not that I have any) open.

I really hope my photos don't suck tomorrow night. They aren't great. I want to do well.

I have something to apply for.

I'm watching Luke (When Will I, Will I Be Famous) Goss in some new sci-fi show.

I'm loving reading 'From Baghdad, With Love' but some parts of it are so full on I have to stop reading. I simply cannot imagine how a human being can live through what people over there are living through - on all sides. How do you stay sane after witnessing those atrocities?

I was doing good today until I fucked up, again. When will I ever learn.

Tonight I just want you to be here to hold me.

That is all.

No words

Nothing else.

Just hold me.

Impressions

One of our clients specifically asked to meet me today when they attended our office for a morning presentation. I was a bit taken aback that they even knew who I was or my name. I thought that was lovely.

A co-worker was so lovely in thanking me for my help over the last couple of weeks while she was in our group for the last couple of weeks.

I guess I don't ever think I make an impression. I'm just me and I just do what I do. I don't think that anyone really pays attention or cares, or that I make an impression. It's not having tickets on oneself saying this, it just opens my eyes more.

Nick Cave & Shane MacGowan - Lucy (live)

One, two, three.

One. Still.

Stupid.

Really need to do a photography course. I've found one (there are heaps that all seem fine) that starts really soon but it's majorly expensive. I should wait until February for new enrollments but Uni will start around then and I can't do two courses at the one time. One will suffer for the sake of the other.

So I'm thinking of biting the bullet now, being in debt, and doing the photography course now while I have the time. Just not the money.

How can one small thing bring it all back? Like there has been no gulf of time in between. Does it mean anything or is it just some random circumstantial thing that happens over and over and over again that leads to nowhere? Time to find out.