I just rescued a tiny bat. I heard a clunk, looked up to see the tea cups hanging on the kitchen unit shaking. Then there was something moving on top of the DVD player. Wings outstretched.

Omg it's a bat! Happy Halloween.

It was then all curled up. I managed to get a container and a towel and take the critter outside. It is so small. I didn't know if I'd hurt it in the transportation so I got a long piece of grass and patted it's head with it. It didn't seem to mind. It tried to walk with its wings slightly out. I got worried. I didn't want a bird swooping down and eating it.

I tried to google find out what sort of bat it is. By the time I went back outside I couldn't see it anymore.

Goodbye little bat. Live a wonderful fulfilling insect eating life.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Aarrrgghh zombie brains


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

It's hard trying to study with a sooky dog sleeping on you.



My small contribution to Halloween. Happy Halloween!




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

The night before halloween

A cozy open fireplace, slipper boots, a cottage over looking the ocean, hound dog and Sons of Anarchy followed by Harry Potter







- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Just when I have a moment of thinking 'gee, this is the first time in months I think I'm going to be alright' it all comes crashing down again.

I'm not perfect. I don't say the perfect things I should say. I don't do the perfect things I should do. I'm just me. Doing it the best that I can, fucking it up sometimes along the way. If you can't accept that that is who I am...... then that's a matter for you.

I'm tired. I don't have the emotional energy for this. I've expelled enough of it the past 5 months. I don't want to expel any more mental energy either. I'm tired. I'm taking my medication like I should. Yet I'm still waking up so tired. No wonder I sleep the weekend away. Despite having a hugely increased dose of thyroxine I'm still so fucking tired every day. It's 10.28pm and I should have been in bed an hour ago. The joy of working fully time, studying as well and trying to enjoy some sort of life when I get home. By life I mean a meagre 3 to 4 hours before I'm so tired I need to sleep.

I'm looking forward even more to getting away down the coast with my boy (read hound dog). I just want to be alone. Being alone really is the best thing for me. It's the only thing I know.

It seems my body won't hold up like it used to. Or I'm just too lazy to get up when I feel tired.

I've had a shower but I just feel like a bath.

I need to study but I want to read 'Cane River' instead.

I want to watch The Walking Dead S0202 tonight but I haven't watched episode 1 yet.

My legs ache from dancing last night. That is a good thing. I went out for once!

My dog is awesome. He'll hang in my room with me all day even when I'm sleeping.

I had a really good time last night.

I'm too tired to do anything.

I wish there was a button to zap the crappy thoughts from my head. Bzzzz'd. There. It's gone. Oh wait.... the button doesn't exist..... it's still there.

Things from today:

1. Having a fellow co-worker motion for me to exist the lift first before him - a gentleman. I don't normally like that stuff but this morning it was lovely.

2. Getting angry.

3. Having my boss sound generally happy when I called them all the way up North. (Admin Mention Monday, you haven't signed the Consent Orders!!).

4. Being inspired to landscape my garden. (Found someone online, but scared I may not be able to afford them... eep!)

5. Having an overwhelming feeling of sadness in an instant as I got off the train tonight where I just wanted to sit down and cry my eyes out. It's still lingering and I hate it. I hate these feelings. Of being controlled by something that I can't control myself and being at its mercy no matter how hard I try or how hard I go forward. If I think about it really I've been battling this knowingly for 4 years and really, my whole life. It feels so much worse now when my life is so much better than what it was in my 20s. I wish it would go away but I have this overwhelming fear that I'll be struggling with it for the rest of my life.

6. Gorging on two pieces of fish, minimum chips and 4 scallops for dinner. Ok I shared some with the dog but I feel very roly poly right now. I like it.

7. Still feeling like I want to cry and like this feeling is never going to leave me.

JUST GIVE ME MY BOOKS BACK AND LET ME BE DONE WITH YOU. STOP TOYING WITH ME. NO WONDER I FEEL LIKE THIS.