July Horoscope

What would you do if you were somebody else? Where would you go? How would you behave? You cannot possibly answer this question. You have no idea. You can only be yourself. Why, then, do you sometimes feel inclined to emulate the examples of others? Or even to assume that their ideas and actions are worth more than your own? Without becoming arrogant, and whilst remembering that it is important to listen and be sensitive, it is imperative to trust your own judgement in July. You're about to make a once in a lifetime choice. So be wise.

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I keep going backwards and forwards on a decision I've already made. I guess that's because it's a decision I never wanted to make and stupidly thought/hoped/fantasised/romanticised that everything would turn out awesome instead. I wonder if I've cut the rope too soon? Perhaps if I held on to it for longer what was on the other end would come to me. I don't want this. It's incredibly upsetting and it hurts. I feel like something inside of me has been taken out and it's just hollow and empty. Like driving down a deserted road in a big city and there is no-one. It's all gone. I want to take back what I've done. But then I ask myself 'would anything be different if I did?'. No. It would still be the same. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what other choice I have. I feel what I feel and I can't change that. I just think of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Even if I could erase my memories of you and our times together I don't want to. Because everytime was so wonderful. Why would I want to forget that? Why would I want to forget good times. Just because it hurts now? No. I wish things were different. I have everything. I'm a spoiled brat with everything but the one thing I want the most. It just sucks but that's how it goes. I'll get through it. I know that. I've already been to hell and back and I fought that battle. The battles don't get any easier, I just have better coping methods now. So I never have to go back to hell again. I'm proud of that. What I went through to come out the other side. I hope no-one else ever has to go through what I did. It's soul destroying. I knew 2011 was going to be a poignant year for me. Finally. It's been pretty great so far. Despite the inner turmoil I still go through. I can walk with my head held high and a smile on my face (not that I feel like smiling right now, I don't and can't) knowing that I've made certain steps to confront my fears and insecurities and I've made so much progress. I still have a long way to go but I've stepped over that invisible line that has held me back for so long - myself - and started the journey forward. I really want you to be there next to me as I continue forward. Still. No matter what I say or do I still want that.

Today seemed to go swimmingly well. It was interesting having someone do research on me for a change. It's a small world. I actually didn't even think they would call the people they know who used to know me to get the low down on me. But I liked it. I'm keen. I know they were impressed with me. It's now a matter of waiting. I'm not selling myself short this time. I'm worth it. I'm damn good at what I do. Damn good.

Whatever happens will happen. I'm feeling really good about myself. For the first time in 35 yeas I feel truly happy. I have a long way to go but I'm confident that this feeling is here to stay. I've gone through a lot and I've worked on myself a lot this year to get to this point. I've wanted to change and I am changing. For the better. I don't think it's ever a complete process. Rather one that continues to evolve, grow and develop. I like that. A lot.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Ladies, and to a lesser extent gentlemen, could I please ask that you cease and desist from dousing yourself in smells. By smells I mean perfume, deodorant, smelly sprays, aftershave. It bloody well stinks and makes me feel vomitous not to mention it aggravates my hayfever and gives me a headache. A little subtle smell is nice. Over powering is just... Really unpleasant.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

My internet is running crapola to the point I can't even watch the new Muppets movie trailer.

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Do I feel cleansed or like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders?

No.

What I feel still flows throughout my whole body.

I'm set for a week of study, a night out on Saturday (gosh it's been so long since I've not driven) and footy on Sunday.

I have wonderful friends who care and love me. I spend a lot of time alone and I guess I forget that that love is there... even if it's not physically in my life all the time. I don't feel alone though. I'm also starting to love myself. It's a huge step for me. I'm not going to run anymore. I'm done running. Right now I'm standing still. To take on whatever life throws at me. I'm now starting to take the good and not run from it.

I am loving this book!!! It's been quite a while since I've read a 900 pager. Oh Mr King you really are the master. How I have missed you so.

For anyone who likes Sons of Anarchy Mr King had a cameo in the last season in one ep. He was brilliant.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

R-dog and Kevin. So named after Kevin the bird in Up.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

For the first time in my life I'm ok. It's taken a lot of hurt, pain, loss, and suffering to get to this point. I'm really proud of myself for taking steps to be a better person on the inside and take on my fears and insecurities. I'm hurting right now. A lot in fact. I so hope and wish that what I'm doing will magically work out and I'll get what I want. I don't think that's going to happen. I don't think I will be fought for. That hurts. But I'm in such a better place mentally and emotionally that I know I'll get through it. I didn't say I'd get over it, just through it.

I know in my heart I will never get over you. No matter who else comes along in my life. I know that if I don't see you for 10 years and then I did that my first laying of eyes on you will make me feel exactly how I feel about you now and have for the past x years.

You will forever be in my heart.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.