Today was a day from Hell. I think Hell would be more fun actually.

I'm at the crossroads. I cannot do this much longer. I've been trying to no avail. There is nothing else out there for me. It's so disheartening. The problem is, I then get home and feel incredibly guilty for the way I behave. I blame myself. Perhaps I've been too harsh. Perhaps I'm the problem. Perhaps there isn't a problem and I'm making one up.

I just cannot allow myself to validate my feelings. I dismiss them. Push them aside. Blame myself. Instead of acknowledging what I feel or legitimizing my feelings I dismiss them.

I'm sick of doing what I do. This is not what I want from my life. I'm better than this. I want to make a better life for myself. To have more options for myself and not to be cornered into one area for the rest of my life. Maybe I just have to wear that corner right now. I don't seem to have another door to go through right now. Where I am is cutting into me. I have little to no support, no-one I can really talk to. I just want out but I can't get out until I have something else.

Is it all that bad?

No.

But it is taking its toll.

It's alienating.

I think my meds are low again. Whilst I'm not putting on weight (grrr) I'm becoming increasingly tired. I was only up for almost 3 hours today when I became so tired I had to sleep. This was just before 3pm. I woke up around 6.24pm. This isn't good. I have study to finish today and I've slept through half of it because I'm tired.

This isn't good. I'm seriously sick and tired of feeling like this on an ongoing basis. When is it going to stop? I can't be like this, tired all the time and constantly checking my medication levels. What the fuck is wrong with my body that it just isn't working. Or it works ok and then it starts regressing.

Today is a good day. The impending sense of doom has slithered away. In it's place is doubt whenever *something* happens. Utterly ridiculous but I know what it is and why. Which is a good thing.

I did something today on my own for the first time in my life without seeking parental approval. Not that I need it because I certainly don't. I've just always sought it or thought I needed to sought it. I don't. I feel really good about it too. I'm proud of myself and happy. I still need to wait for the outcome.

More study tonight. Not too much and then I might be able to watch a movie and just kick back. My couch is over run with readings at the moment. I'm somewhat organized but most of it is a mess. I actually bought folders to put materials in..... but you know me, they're in another room still in their packet and I want to put pictures and cut outs on them just like when I was at uni... so I haven't sorted it out yet. Slacker!!!


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I'm still feeling a bit weird. This whole week actually I've been feeling less than desirable. Not desirable in a sensual sense just the feeling is not that good, hence it being less than desirable.

I also need to pull my head in. Mind you I cannot see the situation improving at all. It is ever increasingly frustrating and stressful.

I must become more focused and diligent. Just immerse myself in my works and concentrate on achieving. Be proactive and do! Like Starsky and Hutch 'DO IT!'

I really want that impending sense of doom to wither away. Just float on away on the wind. Thank you very much.

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A bowl of oyster mushrooms sautéd in butter, garlic and parsley is not the ideal dinner.

My study plan for tonight went out the window. I'm watching sons of anarchy instead. Tomorrow night.....

This impending sense of doom I've been feeling for two days is slowly dissipating. It's about trust and control. Having no control and not trusting in myself. It WILL be ok.

I just finished watching S03Ep01 of Sons and holy fuck it is brutal. Totally fucking brutal.

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I spent my Saturday night watching Sons of Anarchy episodes... I'm nearly finished and ready for S3.

Donkey Day was great. I had a great time. They are such beautiful creatures but when I look at them I really see a sadness in their eyes. I just want to take their pain away. I do hope they are happy.

Last night was a heap of fun. Definitely do it again.

Slept all of today.. just couldn't get up. My Saturday's seem to have the same recurring theme - sleep. I've wasted the whole day but I don't care. Perhaps my Saturday's are becoming my old Sundays. Rest day. Then Sunday it'll be clean the house, put my clothes away (I have a terrible pile that is growing in my bedroom - basket, floor, bed....), food shopping, make food (oh I miss that).

Tonight I'm going to scoff, sit on the couch and watch Sons of Anarchy.

I need to start on my birthday invite and my set list. Time is ticking.

There's a couple of gigs I could go to tonight but I just can't be bothered. I like my Sat nights at home - not all the time (YAWN) but sometimes. I had my night out last night and it was a late one. Home at 2.30am.

The other night was awesome. I had the best time. I always do. WE always do. I really want it to work out. I really want to give it a go and take a chance. I want to take a chance. I want to let myself be happy - instead of running from it or sabotaging it. I want to be happy. With you. I already am, I know that. It's just so much better with you. You enhance everything. You don't fill a void or a gap, there is no void or gap. You just make everything better and illuminated. You are what I need and what I want. Flaws and all. Just you. No changing. Just how you are. Now you know that.