The Gem in Collingwood


Rose Street Fitzroy



The lane opposite Faster Pussycat, Gertrude Street Fitzroy


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I feel really good about myself today. I've made a decision that I'm really happy with. I sought some advice to back up my own thoughts and I've executed those thoughts and my decision.

I'm not going anywhere. If it's not right from the start then it's just not going to be right at all.

It will be a mistake and not in my best interests.

This is about what is good for me. Not what is good for someone else. It's a huge burden lifted and I feel good about it. I'm happy about it. I'm happy with who I am.

Now for that other issue.....

I have a cold. I woke up with it this morning. Unimpressed. I go out for one night and this is what happens to me. Grrrr. My glands seem to be up too. Not good.

It's been an interesting week. Full of fears, full of anxiety, full of triumphs and then questioning of those triumphs. I feel stronger. If only a little bit. I'm still in limbo and confused. I know what I should do but I'm still holding on. I'm not ready to let go yet. I'm still holding on to hope.

I'm still conflicted. I'm a complete contradiction and hypocrite. I say one thing, then I do the opposite or I reneg. Constantly changing my mind.

I can barely do this assignment. I'm not sure I want to do this degree. Six years of my life. I don't think I want to practice. I want to be making a difference and changing attitudes and policy. But I'm not political. I'm not actively involved in things. Maybe I'm just a fanciful dreamer who can't live in her own reality. Why can't I just stay where I am getting paid very well for not doing a whole lot?

I just don't know anymore.

You know what? I have the wrong attitude.

Everything WILL be ok. I don't hope that it will be. It WILL BE.

Why are my ears ringing?

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Maybe what I'm worried about and THINK will happen won't. I'm pretty sure it will though. But maybe, just maybe something good will happen.

I was told today that I am one of the best candidates he has seen over the last few years.

You know the most fucked up thing about it..... it's not that I didn't believe it, it didn't have any affect on me. I thought to myself 'but what was so impressive?', 'I was just being me'. I wasn't pulling out any fireworks or magic, I was just honest and me. I don't care if you don't offer me the job because it's not what can I offer you, but can you offer me?

I know that sounds really arrogant and self absorbed but I'm not like that at all. I'm just at the point in my career where I don't feel I have to 'beg' or put on a show to prove or show how good I am. I am good. I'm damned good but I'm not going to pull out the stops to show you that. This is me, this is who I am, this is what I want. Can you fill that for me? I liked what I heard. I heard what I am after without asking the question. Therefore I responded to that. I'm actually making a concession in a part of the role that I do not want to do because I like everything else I hear and it's important for me to be a team player. So I'll take one for the team.

But the question is..... why don't I value my self worth?

I get a fantastic compliment and it just washes off me like it wasn't even there.

I just feel so flat and I want it to go. Maybe it's been a result of this Mercury retrograde (I very much dislike Mercury and her retrograde). April is meant to be a good month for me. Well something 'good' happened today. May it also happen tomorrow night.

I feel like I'm going insane. I don't want to. I just want it to all work out. It's like I've hounded myself to the bone that IT WON'T EVER WORK OUT but a tiny bit inside me says everything will be ok. I know it won't but I'm holding onto a slither of a chance.

I'm so BOORRREEDDD. I feel like I have nothing to offer because I've been doing nothing.

I haven't written one word for my assignment despite holing myself up for the past week and this whole weekend. I have set it out in questions with notes for each section. I guess that's a start. I'm just not motivated. Nor am I focused. My mind is elsewhere.

I've done nothing this weekend. Footy, that's it. Hung out with the dog. That's it.

I watched Shutter Island. I really enjoyed it. I watched 127 Hours yesterday, or maybe Friday..... YAWN. Didn't like it. It was so very..... convenient and smooth. Plus I didn't really like the guy. Seemed a bit arrogant.

Some people are really beautiful. By beautiful I mean what is on the inside. It counts for everything.

I am however too trusting and too honest which leaves me incredibly vulnerable. I don't know how to give a little at a time. I tend to give all right away. I'm trying to not do that.

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