I can feel it setting in. I can feel it now. Seeping in, slowly. I hate this time of year. Every year it's exactly the same. Miserable. Lonely. Alone. I hate it. This is the time where you spend it with those you love and care about. Yeah, my family don't really do that. It's just awkwardness more than anything. I envy those families who get together, as much as they hate it. I love going to my friends houses and hanging out with them and their families. Pretending like I belong there too. I'

Thinking about new years. I just don't want to think about it. I just want to stay home alone and go to asleep miserable. Alone.

I've never ever had a new years where someone has said they love me. Never. New Years with J was always a fight. My new years with G I fucked up because I thought something was going on with him and someone else. So that sucked. I just feel like it's going to be like this forever. I'm going to be perpetually single for all my days while all my friends be mushy with who they are with. Miserable. Sure, bury myself in my photography... because I'm doing that alone too.

Wah wha wha. Sook sook sook.

I do really enjoy hanging out with Dave and Sam. They are so funny together. D is so funny. I eat better at their house than I do at home. You should see my little tubby gut now! I have tubbiness it's awesome. Been feeling better but still slight tiredness and brain function is slightly alarming. I couldn't find the credit card machine that was right in front of my face at the Safeway do it yourself checkout. Literally I was looking everywhere for where I put my credit card in and I had to ask the girl where it was.... right in front of me. I thought to myself 'i've done this before... where is the slot for my card?'.... I couldn't even remember!! So embarrassing. I felt so stupid. But that's my meds for you and my fucked up brain function as a result.

2011. I know what I want but I only want it with you. Anyone else would have me running for the hills. No, no, no. Not interested. Go away. I don't know if I will ever break that wall down. For you I'm standing here with a mallet ready to break those fucking bricks. And what for? I'll be standing here for my eternity waiting while you meet and fall in love with someone else and live happily ever after.

(Hold on to your) Freedom

This whole Julian Assange thing really is a debacle. Any intelligent person can see through the alleged allegations against him and realise that the charges are completely politically motivated and motivated entirely by the US.

Seriously, who gives a shit about what has been leaked about what the US has said about other countries and diplomats. None of it is earth shattering, nor a surprise. For the US to come out and cry foul and demand the execution of Assange is more shocking than what has been leaked. What is screams of is a school yard spat where children have been outed slagging off so-called 'friends'. Ooops. And now the children are crying foul saying the information should never have been leaked because it's 'embarrassing' to them and the nations and diplomats they've slagged off. Ya think? It's about transparency. I'm not condoning these leaks but I'll join in defending what has been put out there.

For our PM to come out and publicly announce that Assange is a criminal (ok maybe she didn't say that, but she did say), that his actions are illegal is gross negligence on her part. Please Julia, being an ex-lawyer and all, what law exactly has Mr Assange broken? You're not too sure are you. That's because there is no Australian law that he has broken. Hardly illegal when there isn't a law in place to be broken for what he's done. Embarrassing. And now you're back footing on the issue and what you've said and toned it down. Pure arse kissing for the US and it doesn't help at all.

I can honestly say I've never liked Kevin Rudd. Sure I voted for the man in the second last Fed Election but I didn't vote FOR him, I voted against Howard. What I do like is Kev coming out and saying what is BLATANTLY OBVIOUS that everyone seems to have overlooked, including the US (can't see their nose to spite their face) is that Mr Assange has done nothing illegal and it's the people who (oh oh, here it comes..... the moment of truth) LEAKED the information in the first place... that is what needs to be looked at as an 'illegal act'. I applaud what he's said. The fact that he's come out and said he couldn't care less about what the US think of him is what it's all about. As if he wouldn't know that behind all the hand shakes and the (fake) smiles those people wouldn't be stabbing a knife in his back. Let's be serious here on that issue.

With respect to the alleged 'rape' allegations. They have been laughable from the moment they surfaced months ago. It's very cooincidental the allegations came to light just after Wikileaks made available thousands of documents relating to the war in Afghanistan. Now, after the cables have been released there is a 'warrant for his arrest' by Sweden for 'rape' allegations. What has been told in the papers is that the women did not want rape charges, they just wanted him tested for STD's because he had sex with them without a condom. So the actual women named in the allegations don't even want him charged. Given Sweden is a supposed 'neutral' country it seems very likely the US is pushing on Sweden for the arrest. The US has been embarrassed and they don't like it and now they are using their fire power to bring down one man via allegations and charges that are very soft in nature if you look at the actual facts of the matter.

How very bullish of the US government this all is. And they wonder why 9/11 happened. Wake up. The world hates you. You think you are the centre of the universe and the all empowering nation. You are not. Your so called 'war on terror' is an excuse to extinguish as many middle eastern men, women and children as you can as you see them as a threat to your country.

This is a new war. A war that you have created. The digital war. You seek to persecute one man for your own mis-doings and the world will respond in defiance and defence.

Free Julian Assange. He is a political prisoner.

I am in need of some serious alone time. I've been doing too much for the past month or so and I need time for me.

Thinking of doing two courses at the one time is just plain stupid. I'm tired now, how am I going to cope with two nights of class a week, pizza on Monday's and then have two nights for law plus the weekend. Um, social life? Break somewhere in between? There will be NO time for that. I just create all these fanciful dreams in my head. I can't afford to do two. I'll be scrimping every month. I've just bought a bit of equipment and have 5 months to pay it off before it incurs interest.

I didn't get home tonight until 23.15. I cooked up a bit of the lamb roast I made Sunday (hadn't had a chance to eat any of it yet) and was planning on watching ep 6 and the final episode of The Walking Dead but I need sleepy time.

I just need ME time at the moment. I haven't done my washing for now more than 2 weeks, I need to work outside, I need to clean my house, I need to just do things for me. But life keeps getting in the way. And I keep thinking about you and I need to stop. It won't ever be anything. Read the writing on the wall.

And where the fuck do these mozzies keep coming from? Every night in my room I have to kill at least 8. Minimum.

I'm so bored at work. Sooooo bored. I'm so unmotivated. It's so boring. Paper. I'm so fucking sick of paper. I just want a holiday.

All I keep thinking about is my photography. Although what sort of shoots I have in my mind and how I want them to look is how the professionals would shoot them. I don't even know how to use my new flash!!! Yep got the baby today along with my new reflector stand. I just need to buy a reflector now. Minor detail. I bought those two items on Wednesday and one came on Friday, the other one today. I'm still waiting on my bowler hat from China I bought 8 days ago..... where is my Charlie Chaplin hat mofo's.


I phoned up today about the PSC course. I have an appointment next Monday. It won't hurt to check it out. I keep thinking I'll be spending more money on my photography and will never earn a cent from it but I won't know unless I try and continue to practice. I was surprised how well my photos from the rod show turned out. I had a lot of trouble metering so looking at the results on my computer I have to say I'm rather pleased with them.

I had a really lovely time at the rod show and selling things is not that easy! I'm not very good in the display side of things and Sam had the tshirts looking great after my terrible pile of them. But I did enjoy the random hellos and talking to people, it gets me out of my shell a little bit and forces me to be the first person to say something to someone else. I always wait for someone else to say something to me first because I always think another person couldn't care less about what I have to say. Silly I know.

I met this guy who was showing his rod. It was more of a truck with a flat bed tray. Really beautiful. Anyway I just asked him if the tray could be lifted. We got talking and he had a serious motorbike accident 11 years ago. He was in a coma for 2 months, he lost the lower part of his right leg (I hadn't even noticed until he showed me), his left hand had to be re-attached! Really serious stuff. He's on painkillers every day. Amazing resilience. He loves building cars. I was really inspired that a guy who nearly lost his life and came so close to it, lost his wife, is in constant pain every day still has the focus to do something he loves. I moan that I don't have someone in my life every fortnight to do something with or just go to sleep next to when I have EVERYTHING ELSE and so much more than what my friends have. And here's a guy who just keeps on going.

I want to get really good with my photos. I want someone to look at my photos and be inspired as I look at professionals and go 'wow, I wish I could shoot like that'. A photo that tells a story. Mine don't tell stories. I'm not at that level yet but I want to be. My problem is I want it to be really soon, realising that all this takes years to accomplish. I even thought of repainting the back room all white to use as a mini studio.

Work sucks. I am so unmotivated to do anything. Sure I can do things like file mountains of paper or archive mountains of files. Wow, how challenging and mind blowing. Yawn. The quality of work sucks balls. I'd rather suck balls. Ones I like of course ;) Oh that's just wrong, seriously, get your mind out of the gutter. Gross.

Yeah, I keep going to bed and waking up wanting you next to me. It's so boring sleeping alone all the time. B.O.R.I.N.G.

I have all these things going through my mind but when it comes time to write them down I don't remember.

Still tired. Although I was shaking today whilst having lunch. My hands were shaking. Scouted out a location for photo shoots. I have so many ideas and I know how I want them to look but I need to be realistic. I'm still learning and I'm not a professional. Portrait photography is one of the hardest forms you can do. I spoke to another friend today about doing a shoot and they are keen. I'm excited about it. I just need to get good!

I feel like I'm going to be in this situation forever. I'm happy alone but it's getting a bit tedious. I just wish you would allow yourself to take a chance on me. I just want to see if what I think I feel for you is real, or whether it's something I've made up in my head. I wake up in the morning and I want you next to me, to feel your soft warm skin against mine. To snuggle into the crook of your arm and put my arm over your chest and go back to sleep. I want that so much.

Meh, whatever. It'll never be.

Early morning start tomorrow, not looking forward to it but it's helping out a friend and that is important.

I'm loving my Ned Kelly book. Although I know what happens I'm still holding out that he'll win and survive. Seems like the coppers are right royal bastards out to get him no matter what.

The next few weeks are going to be busy. I keep saying to myself that I'm going to tone down my social commitments but geez things keep popping up. Bloody friends and their gigs! Joking, it's great practice for me and my camera.

No idea what I'm doing for new years. Staying at home on my own at this point. I hate new years and I hate committing myself too early. Sounds horrible I know. I know who I want to spend it with but that's not an option. That's just fairy tale bullshit and it's not reality. Being around couples (no offense) doesn't really appeal to me. Guess that means I'll be alone seeing as my friends are all hooked up. *thumbs up*

Sitting at my desk today I was out of breath. Seriously. Trying to suck in as much air as I could. I remember times where I would take one breath every 1.5 breaths of another person. This whole thing is scaring me. I cannot be THIS tired just because of my meds. It's not right. I don't feel any better. I'm exhausted by 3pm.

I have so much on this weekend and I don't even know how I'm going to make it through.

I'm so tired and won't have the energy to write as much as I want so here's a few things from today:

Rose

Gabba Gabba Heyes - Chiccckkkkkeeeen!! I love it when you call and say that.

Being responsible for once and not impulsive. Well.... sort of.

Going to the last session of the Book Series - the topic today was crime writing. I'm not really into it I have to say. I was a huge true crime teenager - you know serial killers and all that jazz. Couldn't get enough of that shit. I wanted to grow up and be an FBI agent and hunt down serial killers. No shit. I had plans to do a Masters in Criminology. Went to Uni and realised it was a crock of shit. Ended up working in a law firm instead. Ha! Anyway I really enjoyed today's session and I'm glad that K-A called me to see if I was going, I said yeah I'd go. (So easily led!).

LOVING MY BOOK! No seriously, I don't want to stop reading it. The True History of the Kelly Gang. Makes me want to learn more about Ned Kelly. And do a day trip around the place(s) and take photos.

More photoshoot ideas.

I wake up and want you to be next to me.