And where the ocean meets the horizon, where does she go from there?

I wondered this on the weekend, looking out from my balcony facing the fierce wild ocean. I could see the water as far as the horizon, and then what? Where does it go? Does it just go on forever after that?

Unfortunately I get travel sick, and therefore sea sick. I'm a water baby though. I love it. Being in it that is. Drinking the stuff, nope. Stomach can't handle too much of it in one go and it invariably comes back up again.

I would love to know what it's like to sail the oceans. To feel that sea breeze against my skin, to hear the waves lapping at the bottom of a ship, to see the ocean all around and only the ocean. What magnificent sunsets would I behold and to see the moon, full, against a blackened but shining ocean. Would it feel like being free? Truly free?

What's it like being in the middle of the ocean with nothing around you but the ocean? Is it scary? Is it comforting? Is it beautiful? Does it make one panic? Or is it soothing? Does it feel like home? What creatures lie beneath the vast volumes of water below? Do I believe in sea monsters? Yes I do. Who knows what lies beneath, over thousands and millions of years? Those sea stories you hear of giant octopus taking down ships.... sure. Why not?

The last few days have been awful. Brought to you by the letter D.

I slept all of Saturday I was so tired. I managed to go to class on Saturday, got home around 2.30pm and went straight to bed. So tired. I thought 2 hours would be good. Yeah, the alarm went off at 4.30pm and I drifted... until 7.30pm. Thinking I'd get up in a few minutes.... I woke thinking it was around 9pm and I WOULD get up.... it was 4.51AM.

Yesterday was just awful. Like when you think it's never going to end and it's always going to be like this. If I could just go to sleep and not wake up. Really, really horrible.

And then the phone call. My levels have dropped rather drastically. 3 months ago they were at 10. They're now at 30. The higher the number the worse it is for me.

I cried so much. I just can't cope with it. Up and down for 2 years. Fixing doses is not helping. It's not working.

Whatever.

Sleeping so much - right now I just want to go to bed. Something is not right.

Still so tired. Sleeping so much more these days. I don't like it. It scares me.

Soup.... just a simple thing such as soup. I was so looking forward to it.

Hungry.

Face hurts. Bruised. Swelling subsiding but jaw movements restricted.

Don't want to go back tomorrow. Not in the mood.

Whatever you do, please don't run. Not this time.

I seem to start my days later when I don't have to get up. I'm not sure if this is a good thing? But usually it's after 12pm noon I get up. The morning just doesn't feel right... like what am I supposed to do at 10am? Weed, mow the lawn... hmmmm yes I think I should, but I just can't.

I did manage to watch The Walking Dead today. Loved it. All sorts of goodness. All sorts of scary goodness! I love post apocalyptic stories - whether they be zombie stories or those of good v evil. Like The Stand, The Dark Tower series. Still yet to read The Dome by Stephen King but very looking forward to it. I always wonder if I would survive or be one that would give up, lose my strength. I like to think that I'd be a survivor but I'm not so sure.

I've been getting some good feedback on my photos which is really great. It means a lot and by no means am I craving positive feedback. Any critique or criticism is welcome too. How else am I going to learn? I've met a few photographers over the last few weeks and just getting feedback and tips off them is fantastic as well as learning how they go about their photography as well. I just want to be the best that I can be. Maybe get published? Even if it's on a website for band photos. I need to get photoshop though so I can put my name on my photos. It's really awesome having my friends use my photos for their profile pics and adding them to their band sites but If my name isn't next to the photo or on it, no-one will know it's my image. That's all part of the learning process I guess.

Wishes you were here to stay with me until I fall asleep.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I'm better equipped this time.

But it still hurts.

I don't understand why it can't be.

I wish that whatever it is that is in the way would just FUCK OFF.

On a more positive note I've been getting some good feedback on my photos. Although I compare my photos to other photographers and think I am still so amateur.

I wish I could fall asleep in your arms and time would stop still so I'd never have to wake up and go back to reality.