Did you see this?

As I randomly discuss my recent overseas travels with people I get asked whether I saw certain things in certain cities. And both times I've answered no. I get the impression the asker thinks I have missed out dearly on my experiences. No I didn't go to Versailles. To be honest I wasn't interested. I wasn't interested in seeing a monstrous palace with its gardens. I look at pictures and my reaction is 'meh'. Do I think I've missed out - not at all. Did I see the building with the elevators on the outside.... no. Do I think I've missed out - no. I stumbled across the Musee Carnavalet when I got lost. Now that was an experience. I loved it immensely. I wandered around with my mouth open going 'wow' looking at objects hundreds of years old. Finding that place was the highlight of my day. That was my experience.

Just because one person thinks something is a must see doesn't mean another thinks the same way. It also doesn't mean either person has missed out or had an experience better than the other person. To be honest I think I've realised now what it was about Paris that just didn't have me as enthralled and enchanted as I thought I would be. And that is that it is too pretty. It's just too pretty for me. I like earth, I like dirt, I like old, I like history, I like architecture, and whilst there is old and history and architecture in Paris, it's not really my version of old, history and architecture. Perhaps it's also a more rustic and down to earth experience that I like. When I was in Romania and we arrived in Bucharest I hated it. I hated being in a big city. I'd spent a week in the countryside and fell in love. I loved the simple way of life, I loved the food, I loved being in the mountains and away from it all, the clean fresh and crisp air in the morning, the fog laying over the mountains in the distance, the rain against a blackened night sky. I loved that people couldn't speak English as I tried to order some meat from the deli. I loved not worrying about what I wore or what I looked like. I just wanted to immerse myself in my surroundings and not leave.

We all have different wants and needs and desires. I'm satisfied with what I achieved. I had no expectations and I set no limits on myself. I did what I wanted to do and see what I wanted to see. For me. Not for anyone else. But for me.

Time to Mix It Up

Time for a change. Be bold, be different. Mix it up a bit.

Dreamweaver

No, not the Christopher Cross song. I've had a crazy thought. It will most likely end in NOTHING and my HUMILIATION but I like it and I'm going to give it a go. I knew at the time I should have done something but I didn't. Now I want to make up for it and try something a little crazy.

To be continued.......

I haven't even heard your band and I already think they're shit.

Somewhere over the rainbow

You know when you go to answer a question and you hesitate before answering and what comes out of your mouth as a result isn't the truth. I was asked a week ago if I was happy to be back. I hesitated a waivering 'yeah'. In truth, I'm not happy to be back. What seemed great a few months ago has withered away to nothing. I don't live well in reality and everything around me is SCREAMING REALITY. There's no fantasy world to retreat to... nothing I can conjure in my mind. It's all just... nothing. Hopeless. Trapped. Strangling. No way out. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I feel like all I get is one thing at a time. I can never get more than one thing at a time. And what I really want.... everyone else gets that but me. I'm over it, I'm sick of it, and I've given up. I just don't care anymore. I don't believe in it and I don't trust it. And that's probably why I never win. Not that it's a competition but I'm never first. I'm more than just a few seconds.

It's been two days and I'm miserable. I sat there today saying to myself 'I just don't want to do this anymore. I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to do billing ever again. I don't want to file EVER AGAIN, I just don't have it in me'. It's so relentless and repetitive and BORING and a waste of my time and skills and knowledge. I really feel like saying to them ' So, you pay me X dollars a month to spend four to five hours a week [if I actually had the time to do it weekly] to sort paper from a pile into smaller piles and then put them in date and time order, and then onto a file. You pay me THIS to do that?'. That's money down the shithole people. It's a waste of my time and your money.

I phoned A about a position today. I wanted to enquire about it. Find out some information before actually applying. It was like talking to the secret fucking service. You think I could get ANY information out of them. The chick on reception gave me nothing but a 'i'll get so and so to call you'. STILL WAITING PEOPLE. And you know what it is. It's not like I NEED them to call me, because I can tell you now I'm over qualified for their fucking job. I don't need to say 'oh please I can do this, please give me the job', I want to know about it to see whether I WANT them. It's not about me, it's about what they can do for me. What are you going to OFFER ME? I'm sure the girl who answered the phone thought I was some upstart or some arrogant fuck. Hence no phone call. Not the way I like to do business people. You want me, I'm here. Keep me waiting and I'm looking elsewhere.

My mobile rings at 16.50. Here's me thinking it's A and I'm contemplating letting it ring through. Blocked number. I answer it. Get it over and done with I think to myself. Oh hello, it's L from X calling. We were really impressed with your cv and whilst we've filled the position we don't get a candidate of your stature very often (they were a bit disappointed in the timing of my resume it seems - I sent it through after they'd made an offer to someone). We were wondering if you'd like to come in and have a chat to us about any further positions that we may have in the future'.

WOW. I have never in my life received a call like that before. EVER. They wanted me. They actually wanted me. They had actually taken my resume after the fact of filling a position and talked about me amongst their WorkCover group and made the decision to call me for anything future... and there may be something in a few months due to growth. I couldn't believe it. After rejection after rejection after rejection I've been feeling down and lost and whilst I know what I'm capable of and know how good I am, it's been a shot to my confidence. It really has. I want to be better than what I am. I can be better than what I am. I am better than what I'm doing now. I love thinking, I love being challenged, I love learning, I love gaining knowledge, I love analsying and problem solving and thinking critically and asking the questions. That's what I love about the law. The questions it asks of you. I miss that. I need that. I want that. If I can get that - that's what I'm after. It's not what I can do, it's what I can be given to achieve what I desire and crave. I get bored very easily - with people and with my life, including work. I need constant stimulation, mentally, emotionally, physically, intellectually. CHALLENGE ME!

So yeah, I'm going to have a chat. And because it's more informal I'm feeling really great about it. I don't have anything to lose, only to gain. If they don't like me then it's not meant to be. They were very accommodating in the meeting time so really, it's kind of me interviewing them. They already think I'm the goods (which I am) - they just need to show me what they have to offer.

And please note anything I say - I'm full of shit. I'm one big contradiction. I'm such an emotional person that I live by my emotions so I live by my heart and not my head. I'm also very impulsive, indecisive, and impatient. I say one thing yet I mean something different. I can come across harsh and mean but really, I only want [fill in the blanks].

I'm on a road to nowhere

Today I went back to that place I earn money. I had chest pains before I even entered the building. I was a horrible person there before my holiday. Really horrible. I'm surprised I lasted the whole day being happy. I got stressed at approximately 12.35pm. The amount of filing that is there to be done.... literally it's a 3 day job. And it's all the stuff I didn't have time for before I left PLUS what has accumulated over the past 4 weeks. I did not go to university to be a filing clerk at the age of 34. I fucking hate it. No, I detest it. Absolutely fucking detest it. Is it hard to put in a little extra work to get the work done? Obviously not. So it's up to me to try and get it done.

I've been thinking about going back into my 'specialty' that I can do hands down. Was seriously thinking of it. Applied for one position but was too late and they'd already made an offer to someone. There's another one going - plaintiff, but it's assisting a Senior Associate. Honestly, that's a step down from where I'm at. I was at that point 6 years ago. Hell, I was at that point longer than 6 years ago. And really, when I was thinking about it today, do I really want to go back to that constant client contact and phone calls of chasing medical reports and going around and around and around. What I loved about my last job was having the freedom to work on the files and have control and just 'run' them in my own way and let the lawyers do the legal side of things. The client contact is part of what killed it for me. Do I really want to take a step back? It's like a qualified doctor going back to being an intern. For what purpose? I'm beyond it all, it won't be a challenge and I'll just be swearing at the phone every time it rings saying 'oh fuck off and let me do my job' or 'who rings at this hour?'.

So I feel like I'm lucking out. I feel trapped with nowhere to go. I can't get a foot in the door in public sector. I tried, I fucked up my interview and now it'll be on record against my name every time I apply for a govt job. There's a great job going as a prison transfer review person. I would love something like that. But I told myself, don't bother wasting your time spending 6 hours on an application that they'll just reject and you won't even get an interview. I have no understanding or knowledge of the prison system or its legislation that is needed to be applied and I don't have a degree in criminal justice. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm stuck with no way out. Going back to PI is a step backwards unless I'm actually running the files as a lawyer (not qualified yet, hell haven't even been accepted yet as I haven't even put in my application). So that's out. Don't really want to be a PI assistant again - been there, done that. And working for anyone who is not a partner is a step backwards. I can do it, I'm damn good at what I do but could I do it again? I keep thinking the only option for me is to work for Maria again, but that may not be possible. She needs another 2 on board in order for me to stay on the wage I'm on.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I'm so looking forward to studying. I just need to be accepted. I'm confident I can pay my fees up front each semester to avoid another HECS debt (and thus reduce the amount in my pocket each wage as I won't be taxed higher to re-pay any HECS) AND I'm confident I can save enough to go to Russia, the Ukraine and Budapest next year in Uni holidays in October. It'll be more sacrificing financially but I'm pretty sure I can do it. Once I set my mind on something I get very determined and pretty much nothing stops me. Tell me I can't do something and I'll do it just to prove someone wrong. I'm very stubborn when I want to be.

So what to do, what to do? Maybe I will apply for the prisoner transfer reviewer position. Can't hurt. What's another rejection. Yes, yes I need to be more positive. Like I've said, I'm stubborn when I want to be and I persist until I know I've tried my hardest. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. At least i've tried.

Look what I found on the interwebs

I found this tonight. So I bought it.

Last night I slept properly for the first time all week. Sure I went to bed past 2am but when I finally made my way to dream land I slept until 10.30am uninterrupted. I hope I can sleep tonight as I return to work tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I usually don't sleep well on Sunday nights. I also detest the 'welcome back' and I detest the 'how was your holiday?' comments. I'm not a bitch, I'm just private about my private life.