Too sad to want to be awake.

It's 838pm. I'm going to bed.

Today sucked balls.

I'm so sick of being alone.

I'm so tired of hurting.

I haven't had a hurt free year since..... well every year since 2007 has been shit.

I just attract it clearly. Just go away.

It's been a difficult year so far.  Today I'm not crazy! Woot!

I'm still getting used to a new job - 8 or so months into it.  I was discussing the new job thing with a fellow co-worker yesterday and it was so comforting to hear that they had/were experiencing the same things that I have been.  The immense workload, thinking we weren't good enough, wondering why we weren't 'smashing it' like we have done previously in other jobs doing the same work... feeling pressure of not being able to keep on top of the workload and the moment of when we felt we were just getting on top of things BAM! the next day we'd be snowed under with so much work our shoulders would drop and our head would drop and we'd just be 'oh there goes the false sense of being of top of things'. Also the different procedures and systems in place not working to our benefit or allowing us to work efficiently.

WOW! WHAT A RELIEF!!! All of these things have had a huge impact on my confidence and I've seriously thought I wasn't good enough and can't do the job and I'm just not cut out for it.  It seems the job is Just How It Is. So that made me feel better, although I question 'why am I still here?' Oh yes that's right, I have a 12 month contract to fullfill and whilst I'm sure I could get another job out there, I don't want to be doing I'm doing as it is BUT it pays the bills, I have it pretty good, it's not the economic climate to be looking for another job, I can claim my studies on my tax as it's 'work related'.... I also don't know what will become of me once my 12 months is up.... I guess I'll find out next week (perhaps) when I have my performance review (Needs Improvement....... Needs to Prioritise Better and More).

Studying this semester has been the biggest challenge I've encountered in my 4 semesters of studying.  I was almost at breaking point last week and the week before. I perservered.  I almost lost it but didn't.

The whole relationship thing. Man this is hard! Who knew?  Not me.  I have to think about someone else now..... say wha? I've been thinking of myself and only myself for 10 years... oh no wait, make that 31 years of my 36 year existence.  It's so new and foreign and I'm so used to doing everything when I want, and doing what I want whenever... it's a big learning curve. Also being so insecure and needing attention ALOT ..... well I've learnt that about myself and I'm trying to not to do that. Also just the way of human interaction and communication.  A lot of things I've misinterpreted/construed and this has been very detrimental.  So yeah, learning all about that.

I know I want to travel MORE.  I'm loving studying. I do not want to give it up. Despite the fact 99% of my spare time is spent studying.  Then to add a relationship and trying to see friends (yeah that's declined ALOT since the relationship and massive study semester).  But at the end of the day I have to think about ME and what is important to me and what will get ME through. It sounds very selfish but staying in because I need a rest for one night or staying in to study because going out won't get me a good mark is what I do.  I try and balance as much as I can. I'm not perfect, i would like things to be different but this is what I choose to do because I enjoy it and I want options for my future.  I do not want to be doing what I am doing now in 6 years time (I don't want to be doing it now but I either change jobs and do more legal stuff as an assistant or change into another field but I'll still only be able to do admin/ea/secretarial work).  Studying is the only option to advance my career/job prospects.

Meh so many other things but that's enough for now.

Everything and Everyone can go and fuck themselves.

I am not meant for this world. I never was. I don't know how or why I'm still here.

What does life offer me? What do I offer life? NOTHING.

Nothing but hurt and pain. Other people and their happy perfect fucking relationships.  Well adjusted people.  YOU CAN FUCK OFF.

Life has not given me anything to be happy about. Definitely not love. What a joke love is.  All it does is destroy my whole being. Over and over and over again.  I'm not one of the lucky ones.  I'm not meant to be loved or know how to love. I definitely do not allow love that's for sure. Why would I? All anyone does is leave anyway.  Why would I trust anyone. All they see is a pretty girl who they'd like to fuck and then it's, oh yeah, I'll just fuck with you for a bit but I'm not committed to you.. there's always someone else better out there. I'm not really THAT interested in supporting you and making you happy. You suck really.

YES I SUCK. I'm just one big lie walking around pretending that I'm all this when really, I'm empty and I hurt and I'm full of sorrow and pain.

The two things I love are my dog and my mum.  Everyone else has someone who loves them. Having a friend love me is not enough... in fact it's nothing. It won't hold me tight and tell me everything's going to be okay. I just want out. I just want out of this shitful world.

The whole core person of who I am is being trampled on over and over again by someone who said they loved me.  It hurts so much to be attacked so viciously and with such hostility.

I'm a fucking mess.  3 hours spent going back and forth on fucking sms because they are too childish to speak to me on the phone. I call, I get disconnected. Then I get a text of more abuse.

I'm sitting here for another day crying my eyes out.

I tried so hard. For nothing but hate and abuse. It's all my fault. Everything. My whole core being, attacked.

I'm so sick of being pummelled by this world.  I work so hard and all I get is shit in my face.

I am nothing. Just nothing. Nor worth anything.

I've just been broken up with because of my dog.

Apparently he's a mut, a mongrel, stupid, a dickhead and I'm sure a few other things.

I need to WAKE UP because I don't have time for a big dog and I should get rid of the dog.

Coming from someone who said they loved me and wouldn't leave me and wanted to build a house with me after 4 months.

I thought this one was a nice one. One that I wouldn't normally go for.... because they'd be good to me...... Turns out to be just the opposite. Abusive is more like it. But oh wait, it's me who has all the problems and needs to change.

I am done and dusted for good.

Just leave me the fuck alone.

All of you.

I don't want you nor do I need you.

I have listened to lies for the last time.

Just stay out of my fucking life.

I'm always fine until someone comes in and disrupts everything.

And then makes me miserable. On the pretense that they care.

They don't care. No-one will ever care ENOUGH.

It's never enough.

It's just worthless words than mean NOTHING.

I'm sick to fucking death of being hurt. I cannot take it any more. If I didn't have my dog, I wouldn't fucking bother.

Came home to this. Thanks 'milo'. x

Dinner last night before seeing Chico Flash

I'm about to embark on the biggest challenge of my life. I'm excited. I know it won't always be roses but we can try, can't we? I don't have any doubts about it. It just feels right.

It's all happened so fast. Really really fast. I'm throwing caution to the wind and going on instinct.

What is there to say? Life at the moment is unbelievably good. Sure I'm petrified I'm not going to finish my current uni subject..... clock is ticking and I have an abundance of work to do for it. Sure, I'm 3 weeks behind at work in what I need to do..... Sure, I'm broke right now.

Sure, I'm embarking on the biggest challenge of my entire life and it scares me and I have moments every day where I question it and it's longevity because I've never experienced anything like this before. I wonder how long it will last instead of enjoying the moment. So every time I start to freak out I just think of what Trent said 'just enjoy it'. It's a whole different thing having someone there who cares about me and supports me and does things for me. When he's not here I feel like I'm missing something. Sure I still need my space but I miss him when he's not here.

The storm yesterday was really scary. It sounded like the roof was going to collapse. I was nearly in tears. I had water coming inside the house. I was worried water had gotten into the electrical wiring and I'd electrocute myself, I using up towels so quickly they were saturated within minutes. Thankfully the car is ok, there's no damage as such inside the house or outside. Damn it was scary though. So much hail.

Life at the moment doesn't seem to be real. I feel like I have everything. Sure there are certain parts of my life that I feel I still need to prove myself in, especially work and being so far behind. The real test will be early next year and my ability to manage all those hearings on the one day.

Uni is - well only having one subject over summer is extremely manageable yet I still have a lot of work left to go with all my readings, my assignment and my take home exam.

Money wise - yeah next year is going to be real tough and I doubt I'll be saving anything. Since starting to pay my HELP/HECS debt back I'm down $300 a month..... which is a lot considering I get paid fortnightly now instead of monthly, which over a four week fortnight period is $300 less than a monthly pay period. Yeah, ouch. Sure I'm earning slightly more over the whole year, but fortnightly pay sucks bollocks real bad.

Friends are great although I don't have enough time to spend with them. I get so tired after work and still on the weekends. I usually want to just sleep all day Saturday and then Sunday seems to be my 'do stuff' day.

I've met the most amazing and sweetest guy. The last week things have happened really fast but in a good way. There's honesty and communication and we know where we stand with each other and it's so good to have that. It still scares me but I have no inclination to run.

Real sleepy right now but I have to start all my readings for my assignment that I've researched and printed off. Just want to sleep though.

More stuff to the bedroom wall

So yeah I'm just a fuck up

But I'm being proven wrong.

I know everything is going to be alright in the end...... I just have to make it through the journey to get there first.

<3

For the first time in my life I don't doubt something. I can't even explain why. I just feel good about it.

Hooked on a feeling?

Patience. Apparently it's a virtue. It's not something I'm good at, at all.

I'm also very good at convincing myself it's all over before it's even began.

I shouldn't be so trusting.

What do I know?

I want something I know nothing about.

I don't know why I bother. I'm just not cut out for it.

Met someone.

Really like them.

Have to go real slow.

They have the best laugh. And smile.

I've started sleeping with the curtains open and the window open. I can feel the cool night air touching my shoulders. It's blissful.

What isn't blissful is smelling the freshly cut grass I mowed tonight. I'm hoping it won't cause me to wake up in 2 hours scratching at my face and wanting to rip out the inside roof of my mouth with itchiness.

October 8, 2008 I wrote this on my LJ

My wish list

* good looking (i need to want to pounce on them at any given moment in time)
* likes same music as me - doesn't have to be all the same, but a lot similar
*likes going to gigs!!!!
*likes art (hahahah, yeah this one will never happen)
*likes tattoos/has them
*sense of humour- need to laugh, lots, and smile. Smiling is good and important.
*someone who can take the piss out of themselves, give shit and take shit from others
*personality
*likes dogs
* into cars/hotrods/kustoms
*has a job, has a car, doesn't live too far away
*has a brain/intelligence - I want to have intellectual conversations about the world and stuff
*same outlook on life/views
*part of alternative/underground subculture we all belong to
*likes camping/outdoors/beach
*adventurous/spontaneous
*has their own interests
*someone who can teach me new things
*dresses well (gives a shit about how they look- makes an effort, but not too much of an effort, no posers)
*someone FUN! who I can play lightsabres with in toys r us or even Kmart!
*preferably 28 - 34
* the big one - someone who will love me for me and put up with me in my good and bad and be there for me just as I will for them. This one is the big one and I'm yet to find someone who fits this criteria. They all leave and I think that's my main problem. Trust. I'm not confident enough in myself that I'm good enough that someone will stick around because they never have.

November 27, 2011

I'd like to change the following

*-as long as they are fine with my tattoos I don't care if they don't have any

*- liking cars/kustoms etc is NOT important

*- being family oriented is important - in the sense that they get along with their family. I like this because I never had one. So I look for it in someone else.

* - someone who can hold their own. Is outgoing enough to not need to be babysitted.

* - must be in their 30's!

Here's what I got from two separate guys last night.

The first I was told I was dancing too aggressively to the Snowdroppers. Then this guy says 'I don't want to sound creepy but I really want to get with you'. My response 'No. It's not going to happen'.

The second I'm told I rock because I'd been dancing for hours. Then I get 'you should come home with me'. After saying no, I'm going home numerous times they didn't seem too happy about that.

What the fuck?

Go away and leave me alone. I don't go home with guys. I never have and never will.

Research material for my assignment. Somehow I have to read all of this! There's more to be researched too.