Dinner last night before seeing Chico Flash

I'm about to embark on the biggest challenge of my life. I'm excited. I know it won't always be roses but we can try, can't we? I don't have any doubts about it. It just feels right.

It's all happened so fast. Really really fast. I'm throwing caution to the wind and going on instinct.

What is there to say? Life at the moment is unbelievably good. Sure I'm petrified I'm not going to finish my current uni subject..... clock is ticking and I have an abundance of work to do for it. Sure, I'm 3 weeks behind at work in what I need to do..... Sure, I'm broke right now.

Sure, I'm embarking on the biggest challenge of my entire life and it scares me and I have moments every day where I question it and it's longevity because I've never experienced anything like this before. I wonder how long it will last instead of enjoying the moment. So every time I start to freak out I just think of what Trent said 'just enjoy it'. It's a whole different thing having someone there who cares about me and supports me and does things for me. When he's not here I feel like I'm missing something. Sure I still need my space but I miss him when he's not here.

The storm yesterday was really scary. It sounded like the roof was going to collapse. I was nearly in tears. I had water coming inside the house. I was worried water had gotten into the electrical wiring and I'd electrocute myself, I using up towels so quickly they were saturated within minutes. Thankfully the car is ok, there's no damage as such inside the house or outside. Damn it was scary though. So much hail.

Life at the moment doesn't seem to be real. I feel like I have everything. Sure there are certain parts of my life that I feel I still need to prove myself in, especially work and being so far behind. The real test will be early next year and my ability to manage all those hearings on the one day.

Uni is - well only having one subject over summer is extremely manageable yet I still have a lot of work left to go with all my readings, my assignment and my take home exam.

Money wise - yeah next year is going to be real tough and I doubt I'll be saving anything. Since starting to pay my HELP/HECS debt back I'm down $300 a month..... which is a lot considering I get paid fortnightly now instead of monthly, which over a four week fortnight period is $300 less than a monthly pay period. Yeah, ouch. Sure I'm earning slightly more over the whole year, but fortnightly pay sucks bollocks real bad.

Friends are great although I don't have enough time to spend with them. I get so tired after work and still on the weekends. I usually want to just sleep all day Saturday and then Sunday seems to be my 'do stuff' day.

I've met the most amazing and sweetest guy. The last week things have happened really fast but in a good way. There's honesty and communication and we know where we stand with each other and it's so good to have that. It still scares me but I have no inclination to run.

Real sleepy right now but I have to start all my readings for my assignment that I've researched and printed off. Just want to sleep though.

More stuff to the bedroom wall

So yeah I'm just a fuck up

But I'm being proven wrong.

I know everything is going to be alright in the end...... I just have to make it through the journey to get there first.

<3

For the first time in my life I don't doubt something. I can't even explain why. I just feel good about it.

Hooked on a feeling?

Patience. Apparently it's a virtue. It's not something I'm good at, at all.

I'm also very good at convincing myself it's all over before it's even began.

I shouldn't be so trusting.

What do I know?

I want something I know nothing about.

I don't know why I bother. I'm just not cut out for it.

Met someone.

Really like them.

Have to go real slow.

They have the best laugh. And smile.

I've started sleeping with the curtains open and the window open. I can feel the cool night air touching my shoulders. It's blissful.

What isn't blissful is smelling the freshly cut grass I mowed tonight. I'm hoping it won't cause me to wake up in 2 hours scratching at my face and wanting to rip out the inside roof of my mouth with itchiness.

October 8, 2008 I wrote this on my LJ

My wish list

* good looking (i need to want to pounce on them at any given moment in time)
* likes same music as me - doesn't have to be all the same, but a lot similar
*likes going to gigs!!!!
*likes art (hahahah, yeah this one will never happen)
*likes tattoos/has them
*sense of humour- need to laugh, lots, and smile. Smiling is good and important.
*someone who can take the piss out of themselves, give shit and take shit from others
*personality
*likes dogs
* into cars/hotrods/kustoms
*has a job, has a car, doesn't live too far away
*has a brain/intelligence - I want to have intellectual conversations about the world and stuff
*same outlook on life/views
*part of alternative/underground subculture we all belong to
*likes camping/outdoors/beach
*adventurous/spontaneous
*has their own interests
*someone who can teach me new things
*dresses well (gives a shit about how they look- makes an effort, but not too much of an effort, no posers)
*someone FUN! who I can play lightsabres with in toys r us or even Kmart!
*preferably 28 - 34
* the big one - someone who will love me for me and put up with me in my good and bad and be there for me just as I will for them. This one is the big one and I'm yet to find someone who fits this criteria. They all leave and I think that's my main problem. Trust. I'm not confident enough in myself that I'm good enough that someone will stick around because they never have.

November 27, 2011

I'd like to change the following

*-as long as they are fine with my tattoos I don't care if they don't have any

*- liking cars/kustoms etc is NOT important

*- being family oriented is important - in the sense that they get along with their family. I like this because I never had one. So I look for it in someone else.

* - someone who can hold their own. Is outgoing enough to not need to be babysitted.

* - must be in their 30's!

Here's what I got from two separate guys last night.

The first I was told I was dancing too aggressively to the Snowdroppers. Then this guy says 'I don't want to sound creepy but I really want to get with you'. My response 'No. It's not going to happen'.

The second I'm told I rock because I'd been dancing for hours. Then I get 'you should come home with me'. After saying no, I'm going home numerous times they didn't seem too happy about that.

What the fuck?

Go away and leave me alone. I don't go home with guys. I never have and never will.

Research material for my assignment. Somehow I have to read all of this! There's more to be researched too.

I'm so effing tired!

Someone give me a shoulder massage please. Oh that's right, I live with my dog. No shoulder massage.

On to sourcing TWD ep 6.

It's Hot, It's Cold

The Cold War. It's something I know NOTHING about yet have this desire to know all about. I understand Hot wars. They're easy. But Cold Wars. Gets me confused every time. Gav explained it to me years ago when we were together but still..... there's this book called, of course, The Cold War -A New History by John Gaddis that looks really good. It all seems so complex and intriguing and political. Will I even understand it?

I have a thing with war and military. I want to learn as much as I can about it. It's not the act of men killing men (and innocent men, women and children, heck, isn't everyone 'innocent' in war? If you strip it all down to its bear minimum, is it not one man with a weapon standing pitched against another?) it's the actual thought that goes behind it, the strategy, the manouvering, the weapons, the mental and physical strength. It's fascinating yet vile. What humans do to each other, all in the name of ideology.

I've started reading The Fall of Yugoslavia. So I can have an understanding of the last war in the Balkans if I want to try for an internship at the ICTY. It's a hard read. But also important given I'm going to Croatia in June for 2 weeks. I didn't realise the war there was in 1990/1991. That's not so long ago. It was like going to Romania and being in Bucharest and followed around my undercover cops who thought we'd been 'robbed' by the woman who took us around for a tour of the city. Because we paid her money in the street and they saw, they thought we had been forced to give her money. We also couldn't say our tour group leader was just that. Whilst communism had apparently died with Ceausescu, remnants still remained in Bucharest. That was slightly scary.

Who wants to come over and bleach my hair so I can re-colour it red again? Yeah, I can't be bothered either. It's going to have to wait. I'm too busy this weekend.

Have I mentioned how awesome my boss is? He gives me a memo today and says there's a few things on it he wants me to have a look at. I'm thinking it's just arranging medical appointments or requesting info. Oh no. It's questions. To me! That I have to think and answer.

So I went through the file and certain documents and then prepared a memo in response detailing the worker's earnings, what I thought about liability (not looking good for our client) and whether we should get any witness statements and surveillance. I put the memo in his tray. After lunch he picks it up and says 'that was really quick, did you already have it in the file'. I said no, I just did it, the file was there so I just did it. I'm not sure if it's what you are after but that's my memo. The response 'it's brilliant'. Yeah, just wait until you read it first. You might be sending me back to plaintiff land, not defendant. Proud moment. I have my 3 month review tomorrow. Eeep! It's ok, I'm awesome and they love me *nods, yes they do*.

Still tired. I see the endocrinologist next Monday.

I have awesome friends. And new ones too. It's so nice meeting people who accept me for who I am, flaws and all, mistakes and all. Obviously there's good bits about me that people like but it's the true friends who can put up with you in all your colours and mirrors that truly matter.

Seriously not feeling it today.

I'm tired, lacking motivation and lethargic.

I'm questioning things too. Wondering what the fuck I am doing. Why am I wasting my time.

It's just past 9.12pm on a Saturday night and I'm desperately tired.

I'm forcing myself to eat dinner. I cooked dinner last night but was so tired I went to bed without eating anything.

I got my bloods taken today. I'll find out on the 28th what the results are. I'm not expecting good results. I'm expecting a reading of 'your levels are too high'= no wonder i'm tired! I'm so fucking sick of being tired. This has been going on for 4 years now of not being 'right'.

My tiredness is also making me question things. It's making my mood low. I can't study. I haven't studied for 4 nights in a row. I planned to have all my readings done by tomorrow so I have a whole week up my sleeve to work on my research assignment and do that - research!

What I need is to know. I can no longer give people an inch because they take a mile. They need to deserve the inch, not be given it.

I'm sitting here procrastinating. The weather is so warm and I need to study. I don't want to. I want to have my social life back and not study. Yet what will that achieve? It won't lead to better career options or opportunities for me. All I can do is what I do now. I want more than that.

Next year is going to be real tough. It also doesn't help that I've got 3 holidays planned in the first 6 months. Shit indeed.

Can I go to sleep now and just dream it all away.... that I've studied that is.

Tired.

Have to make food, can't be bothered.

Have to study, can't be bothered.

Not sure I'm that into Season 2 of The Walking Dead. Boardwalk Empire.... yes! Sons of Anarchy... oh it's so good.

Work is going really well. I have my 3 month probation interview this Friday. My boss got back from leave on Monday and asked me how everything is going and how I'm finding it all. I said I can do the processing of the work, no problems, it's just the legal side of things in not knowing what to look for and the questions to ask. The next day he called me into his office and said he wants me to do the letters to the employers asking all the questions. I'll need to read the affidavit and statement of claim and go from there. I was so rapt! I've been, not bored, but not overly challenged. I can do the work no doubt, I can talk the talk with the employers and Counsel and other firm solicitors but I'm starting fresh with the legal side of things on the opposite side of the fence and that's my weakness at the moment (which I don't like as it makes me feel like a junior starting all over again. I haven't been one of those for 11 years). So I'm looking forward to using my brain and proving exactly how good I am.

Friends are awesome. I love the drive home from pizza with Sam every Monday. We always end up singing in unison to some cheesy song. This week it was Elton John. Last night was dinner with Nica and her work mates. Great night out. Today was lunch with Bree. I miss working with her. My ex number 2 boss Anna emailed me during the week and we're going to catch up next month for lunch. I can't wait. She's awesome and someone I really admired and looked up to. She has such a wonderful professionalism that I could really learn from. She has also resigned and is moving on to bigger and better pastures.

I'm so looking forward to a relatively quiet weekend after a really busy one last weekend. I crave my alone time.

Next weekend is going to be HUGE. Who decided to study over summer when there's so many social activities going on? I think I'd be bored if I wasn't to be honest.

Apparently I have 9 followers on my tumblr. Ok, whatever.

Head space is very.... Hard to describe but like a low humming buzz. Emphasis on low. I'm sick of being regulated by drugs.

In more exciting news I was given more responsibility at work today.

Tonight I would very muchly like to have someone to curl up behind, put my arm around them and fall asleep. Too bad I continue to ......

Over it.

Is there really a point?

Why am I studying? What for? What will it give me? Aside from a huge debt at the end and I'm not even guaranteed to get articles to get admitted to be a lawyer, which I don't even know if I want to be one. Why bother?

What's the point of taking a risk and asking someone out to find out the have made vows of the ring sort. Failure. I should just stay home and sleep forever.

No what I need to do is just STOP. I don't think I'm meant for all that this world has. Work sure. Friends sure. Happiness and Love - ha, that's just not funny anymore.

So sleepy tired but here's a minor update.

Friends are awesome.

I had the bestest weekend in ever with the most awesomest people ever (and there's still awesome people in my life I didn't get to spend the weekend with).

Friday - dinner and drinks

Saturday - overdue chats/catch up plus band viewing

Sunday - day out with a new friend

Monday - fabulous dinner and conversation

Tuesday - STUDY time.

I'm trying to do it all, live the dream. Work, study, have a social life, save money, have a bit of money to go out with (not my usual $20 a week allowance - yes that's how I can afford to travel every few years, I live scrimpingly!). So far so good.

Hound dog has taken to sleeping on the floor next to my bed. Naww such a sweetheart. <3



- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Monday to Friday - Work + Study

The Weekend - Study.

Social Life - bwahahahahahahahaha that's funny.

No seriously it's very stagnant. Although I'm having a semi social weekend this weekend!

And next weekend - Friday night is work stuff and Saturday is HARVEST!! If I'm still 'with it' Sunday (meaning not sleeping all day and night because I'm so tired from Harvest) there's a Dolly Parton tribute at Yah Yah's! Cool huh!

Perhaps I could have something to look at on the train again tomorrow?

I just rescued a tiny bat. I heard a clunk, looked up to see the tea cups hanging on the kitchen unit shaking. Then there was something moving on top of the DVD player. Wings outstretched.

Omg it's a bat! Happy Halloween.

It was then all curled up. I managed to get a container and a towel and take the critter outside. It is so small. I didn't know if I'd hurt it in the transportation so I got a long piece of grass and patted it's head with it. It didn't seem to mind. It tried to walk with its wings slightly out. I got worried. I didn't want a bird swooping down and eating it.

I tried to google find out what sort of bat it is. By the time I went back outside I couldn't see it anymore.

Goodbye little bat. Live a wonderful fulfilling insect eating life.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Aarrrgghh zombie brains


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

It's hard trying to study with a sooky dog sleeping on you.



My small contribution to Halloween. Happy Halloween!




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

The night before halloween

A cozy open fireplace, slipper boots, a cottage over looking the ocean, hound dog and Sons of Anarchy followed by Harry Potter







- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Just when I have a moment of thinking 'gee, this is the first time in months I think I'm going to be alright' it all comes crashing down again.

I'm not perfect. I don't say the perfect things I should say. I don't do the perfect things I should do. I'm just me. Doing it the best that I can, fucking it up sometimes along the way. If you can't accept that that is who I am...... then that's a matter for you.

I'm tired. I don't have the emotional energy for this. I've expelled enough of it the past 5 months. I don't want to expel any more mental energy either. I'm tired. I'm taking my medication like I should. Yet I'm still waking up so tired. No wonder I sleep the weekend away. Despite having a hugely increased dose of thyroxine I'm still so fucking tired every day. It's 10.28pm and I should have been in bed an hour ago. The joy of working fully time, studying as well and trying to enjoy some sort of life when I get home. By life I mean a meagre 3 to 4 hours before I'm so tired I need to sleep.

I'm looking forward even more to getting away down the coast with my boy (read hound dog). I just want to be alone. Being alone really is the best thing for me. It's the only thing I know.

It seems my body won't hold up like it used to. Or I'm just too lazy to get up when I feel tired.

I've had a shower but I just feel like a bath.

I need to study but I want to read 'Cane River' instead.

I want to watch The Walking Dead S0202 tonight but I haven't watched episode 1 yet.

My legs ache from dancing last night. That is a good thing. I went out for once!

My dog is awesome. He'll hang in my room with me all day even when I'm sleeping.

I had a really good time last night.

I'm too tired to do anything.

I wish there was a button to zap the crappy thoughts from my head. Bzzzz'd. There. It's gone. Oh wait.... the button doesn't exist..... it's still there.

Things from today:

1. Having a fellow co-worker motion for me to exist the lift first before him - a gentleman. I don't normally like that stuff but this morning it was lovely.

2. Getting angry.

3. Having my boss sound generally happy when I called them all the way up North. (Admin Mention Monday, you haven't signed the Consent Orders!!).

4. Being inspired to landscape my garden. (Found someone online, but scared I may not be able to afford them... eep!)

5. Having an overwhelming feeling of sadness in an instant as I got off the train tonight where I just wanted to sit down and cry my eyes out. It's still lingering and I hate it. I hate these feelings. Of being controlled by something that I can't control myself and being at its mercy no matter how hard I try or how hard I go forward. If I think about it really I've been battling this knowingly for 4 years and really, my whole life. It feels so much worse now when my life is so much better than what it was in my 20s. I wish it would go away but I have this overwhelming fear that I'll be struggling with it for the rest of my life.

6. Gorging on two pieces of fish, minimum chips and 4 scallops for dinner. Ok I shared some with the dog but I feel very roly poly right now. I like it.

7. Still feeling like I want to cry and like this feeling is never going to leave me.

JUST GIVE ME MY BOOKS BACK AND LET ME BE DONE WITH YOU. STOP TOYING WITH ME. NO WONDER I FEEL LIKE THIS.

The International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia takes interns. You have to be at least in your second year of studies and a restricted internship lasts 2-3 months.

I'm going to aim to apply in 2013 or 2014 at the very latest. Try and save as much money as possible in the event I get accepted. What an amazing opportunity! I doubt I'd ever get accepted but I'm going to at least try. Fingers crossed I'll still be where I am job wise and fingers crossed, in the chance I get accepted, they are supportive of the experience.

Right now in my life I just want to focus on me and doing the best I can in my work and my study. I know it sounds selfish but I think it's best that I stay focused on this and stay the hell away from any men. I can't lose focus of my goals, even though I'd like someone to be here for me through it. I honestly don't think I can be there for someone else right now. Who am I kidding? Someone else. Ha! What a joke. As if I'm going to meet anyone anyway, and if I did, it's always me liking them and them not wanting me.

Good. Works out perfect then doesn't it.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Sunday

New lounge room combining study area.




-

It's so early in the afternoon I don't know what to do with myself. Sleep? Study? Start reading a new book? Watch a movie?

At the moment I'm hanging with the hound throwing a ball down the hallway for him to fetch and return.



Posted from the depths of my mind.

Saturday

One freshly mowed back lawn




One sawed down tree plus one rose bush demolished




Then I ate 2 smoked salmon bagels, watched an ep of True Blood and then slept for 4 hours!






- Posted from the depths of my mind.

It's amazing what a good result can do for one's confidence.

I achieved a Credit overall for Contract Law. I blitzed my exam and scored 73%. I also got 80% (16/20) for my Problem question which I was blown away by. I worked really hard the last month, got the flu a week before the exam which put me back, and then put a lot of time and effort into making my notes including all the relevant cases. It paid off. I finished overall with 66.5%. I'm so happy and proud of myself. 3 subjects down, one Distinction and two Credits. Nice.

It's raining outside.

I mowed the lawn today, sawed down a tree (taking some skin off my middle left finger in the process) and demolished an old almost defunct rose bush. I then slept for 4 hours. Still tired. Sick of being tired.

We used to meet every Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, in the afternoon....

RIP Mark Sandman. If you've never heard of him or his band Morphine then get off reading this and go source it out. Cure for Pain is one album I cherish in a 'must have' collection.

So, today is Thursday.

It began by me meeting my mate Rob for early coffee/hot chocolate/raison toast. We met at work two or so years ago and became friends. We've since moved on from the same employer but have caught up twice now. I really enjoy catching up with him. He's someone who will go far and be successful. It'd be nice to meet someone of his calibre in my age group.

After a stressful morning (that would be ME stressing) I managed to get a bit of work done today. I'm building a good rapport with my boss ('Can I ask a question'...... 'I have another question'.....) It's lovely to have someone ask ME questions even though when I get them I think 'How the hell do I know?'. It was also lovely having my junior lawyer call me at the end of the day to 'check in' and say thank you to me for my help this AM.

Rose. Bless her, I love her so much.

My book. Oh my goodness I was nearly in tears on the train. I cannot imagine what it takes to climb a mountain, the sheer endurance, the physical strength and the mental toughness. Let alone an ice covered mountain such as Everest. This is my third book reading a real life story

where the theme is ice. The first Robert Falcon Scott and his expedition to Antarctica (he died, I cried), the second an epidemic in a remote Alaskan town where sled dogs were used to carry the vaccine to the town, and now, a fatal disaster on Everest.

Oh, and getting on the wrong train home.

Just quickly.....

I'm reading the most awesome book. It's called 'Into Thin Air' about a mountaineering expedition on Everest in 1996 that goes terribly wrong. I know nothing about ice moutaineering and to be honest, always thought that once you start trekking Everest you just keep going.

It takes MONTHS! No shit. And you have to gradually acclimatize so they go from Base Camp to Camp One and then back to Base Camp and over again and onward upwards. It's intriguing and I love it. It's like a totally different world there. I'm halfway through..... it's going to be one of those books that you devour when reading and when it's over it'll be sad but you'll be wanting it to never end.

I can't recall if in my drunken state Saturday morning I confessed:

but I got kissed by a girl Saturday morning on a dance floor. Highlight of my morning. Thanks darl.

Ooooh ooooh I wanna be a bitch and whinge about the guy in my AL subject who has already posted about 5 annoying posts. Most of which all contain reference to 'Justice Kirby and how after hearing his speech that all law students should study animal law... I'm now studying it'.

Fucking tool. And don't tell me that if I need 'inspiration' to listen to his speech. I'm very glad that you are inspired just because Justice K told you to do something. It's nice you can't think for yourself. And dropping Kirby's name everywhere. We know who he is ok. He's not the only High Court judge ever appointed to the bench sunshine or to have made judgment. Don't force your bullshit down my throat. Oh and by the way, aweful is spelt awful.

This is from a guy who picked on another poster for incorrectly typing 'nunanced' in his sentence and THEN quoted what the meaning of nuance means. What a fucking A-HOLE to the max. I'm sure it was a typo, you aweful man.

Cock. Head.

If you want me come get me and I may give you a glance.

Otherwise

Fuck off and leave me alone.

Sick to death of spineless men.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I think I've been slightly arrogant in my attitude towards my degree. I haven't exactly found my first 3 subjects difficult. I think I will be tested a lot more in my fourth subject. I'm slightly petrified.

I'm also tired. I'm sick of being tired. Sure I've slept all weekend. But I'm not 'overly tired'. I'm just tired. Mentally. This whole 'being strong' thing..... it takes its toll. I wander what the hell it is I'm trying to prove. And to who.

How does one deal with their shame and guilt? When you've done something that you are embarrassed and humiliated by. It's not about saying sorry to the other person. They may forgive you but how do you forgive yourself? You are the one who has to deal with the repercussions. The constant thoughts of your actions and the immense feeling of shame where you just want to hide from the world until it passes. No-one else knows yet you feel like everyone knows and whoever looks at you is judging you as a bad person.

What is done is done. I can't go back. I am sorry. I don't make excuses. I am who I am and I'm not perfect. I still have a long way to go in exorcising my demons. Lesson - shit loads of alcohol and prescription medication are a recipe for disaster. Moderation perhaps may be alright but excessive amounts - big no no. It only leads down. Alcohol is a depressant remember.

Why are so many people hating on Steve Jobs dying.

It's really pathetic.

There is so much animosity and dislike and negativity out there.

Have you thought about what is GOOD in your life? What things you HAVE that you are GRATEFUL for?

Or is it:

'What about me, it isn't fair, I've had enough now I want my share?'

Get the fuck over it and say to yourself that you are truly blessed/happy/grateful that you have [insert blessed/happy/grateful things here] in your life.

I am truly grateful to have friends who care about me, love me, are non-judgmental, tell me how it is even if it's not what I want to hear in my life. I'm grateful to be an independent woman who doesn't need to rely or depend upon a man. I'm truly blessed to have a mother who will do anything for me and the most loving, caring dog who is such a joy to come home to. I'm so happy to have a job that I enjoy and a boss who treats me with respect and wants to assist in my career development. I'm not perfect. I have flaws and weaknesses that I'm trying to overcome and get on top of. But overall I'm grateful for all the GOOD that I do have.

It's what you do HAVE and not what you DON'T HAVE that is important.

Remember that when the chips are down or you feel like hating on something or someone.

I still miss you.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

My Wednesday night out

In Vienna











- Posted from the depths of my mind.

The day after a loss is harder than the day of the loss. It's the reflecting on a lost chance.

I'm fighting the urge to go back to sleep. I'm tired. I'm trying to tidy up instead. It's something I haven't done for months. It's always strange at the end of a footy season - having time to do things. Like a whole weekend. Next weekend is already full.

Mmmmm sleep.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Work drinks were awesome.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I thought my books had arrived (still waiting..... ). Instead I got these




-
Yeah thanks for that. My exam was Tuesday and the bastards won't let me have 3 weeks off without reminding me what's in store the coming 3 months.

Thanks

Now piss off and let me enjoy my last 2 weeks of freedom!



Posted from the depths of my mind.

I'm not very good at being number 2. At all. Especially when I put my hand up to do things and it just get rubs in my face. It's all a learning experience. This life thing.

It's done. Exam is over. I definitely needed an extra day yesterday. I'm pleased with what I wrote. It's not quality over all but hopefully it's enough to get me through and achieve a Pass.

I did something today that I'm not sure I've done before. If I have I don't remember a previous time. I told myself I was proud of myself. Sounds wanky a bit self absorbed but it wasn't. I was walking to walk and I thought to myself 'I'm halfway through my first year of my law degree!... wow, I should be proud of that' and then I told myself I was proud of me. All the sacrifices I've made - financially and socially. The dedication, the determination, pushing myself when I just didn't want to read anymore. I've achieved something. Yay me.

It's so nice to come home and have time to make dinner and then do whatever I want to do. Watch a movie? I haven't done that for forever. I also missed out on seeing Harry Potter number Finale at the movies! Can't believe I did that. I thought 'oh I'll go to the movies and see Harry Potter'..... ooops missed that boat.

I wish you hadn't sent me that message. I was doing alright until then. Now, you're in my thoughts. Apparently I've 'self managed' quite well the past x months. Who would have thought I'd be strong enough. It seems my health is also at its best. My levels may finally be on the money. I'm eating better and the weight is staying on. I've put a whole 2kg on in the past 6 months. It's so good. It's so nice to have flesh.

Currently watching

Fennec fox. I love this top but the postage is more than the actual top.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

http://www.hervia.com/vivienne-westwood-ladieswear-c1/vivienne-westwood-jewellery-c13/vivienne-westwood-small-neo-bas-pearl-choker-p1175

This would be perfect for the dress I'm wearing to Copeland. I doubt it would arrive in time though.

He loves it. Really, he does.

What you can't see is hound dog spread on my bed and all over my study materials. It's his way of saying 'Attention, please!'.

No matter how far I've come I still feel miserable. It still hurts. I wish you would walk through the door and hold me and say that everything is going to be alright. The latter part I'm pretty sure is right, but the former..... that's never going to happen. I miss you.

Right now I just want to give up and go to sleep and let the world pass. I want to wake up fresh and feeling wonderful and happy and have everything that is making me feel like this be gone and far away and not even a memory. Gone to the point that it never existed and I will never feel it or be reminded of it again.

Apparently I'm managing. On my own. I am but it's still hard. Every day is hard.

Tomorrow I need to do well. More study tonight then fingers crossed I get over the line tomorrow.

This is to remind myself of how healthy (?) my body is right now (despite still being sick and recovering from the flu).

This is the first time I can remember where my back has not been defined by my bones showing. I can run my hand over my back and feel flesh instead of hard bumps. You have no idea how wonderful it is. Or how much a simple thing as having extra flesh means. It makes me feel good. I just hope it lasts.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Holy shit. We made the big one.

What a quarter.

I saw Mick walking off the ground at 3 qtr time looking like he was reading something. He wasn't reading anything. He was thinking 'this is my last game and this is how we're going down' .... devastated. I cried for him.

You are a man I have always admired. Ever since you coached the Weagles I've had so much admiration. Thank you for everything you have done and for giving your heart and soul. I'm not ready for you to go.

Here's hoping the boys' get over the line again next week. For themselves and more importantly, in honour of you.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

It's 20.54 and I'm exhausted. I need sleep. I'm still sick. The back of my throat is red raw from coughing. It's painful everytime I swallow my spit. I cough everytime I talk.

I just want bed. I must have been out of it within 10 mins of hitting snooze time last night. Dreams of apocalyptic times. Old school persons being in a cafe and walking in off the street. Weird.

Today -

I felt distant and like the hired help. Excluded. Temporary. I know my time to prove myself hasn't come yet and that it will. I've not been in this position since ..... well ever. It's like I'm starting off on an even slate and I have to climb the ladder again. I haven't had to climb a ladder for let's see.... for about 11 years. I just do what I do. Whether people will like that, well the old cliche of time will tell will apply.

Now for the excitement of my Wednesday night!!!!! Drum rolls, hushed gasps, waiting waiting, smoke machine .... dah dah da!!'

Chapter 32. Misrepresentation

Let's see if I can swing 2 hours straight before I fall asleep. You know, head falling down onto chest, pink highlighter in right hand, light on, book open at page 496.....

Oh but I really want that aerosmith tshirt.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I've just spent yhe last hour + listening to a tute on exam prep for next Monday. One of yhe students posted a picture on the screen that everyone could see. It's a pic of a lil chihuahua with flowers around it's head saying 'thank you sooooo much Emma'.

Then someone defaced it.

At one point the doggy doo doo was sparkly. Pissed myself laughing. Too funny. This is from adult students no less.

Awesome.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

It's raining outside but it sounds like a big bad Balrog is out there walking around with its mouth open going rah rah ror ror ready to scar the pants off me while I scream. Go away bad monster.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I'd like to think this feeling will go away, but I'm not sure it will. Especially if I keep thinking of you. Which is just fucking daft really. Lately I wish I'd never met you. Harsh for sure. But you have no idea the affect you've had.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Incredibly exhausted. I'm going to bed very soon.

Excited. Purchased my return tix home from Split for next year. Expedia is ace. Plus I separated my flights (Split to London, London to home) and saved myself $200 odd bucks. Good on me.

My day today:

On the train by 8.07am.

Study from 8.07am to 8.45am/8.50am.

Work from 9am - 1pm

Study from 1.20pm to 1.55pm

Work from 2pm - 5.40pm

On the train by 5.50pm

Study from 5.50pm - 6.20pm

Too tired to study tonight. I should but I need to not feel exhausted, and that is how I constantly feel right now.

The feeling of being physically and mentally exhausted all day is horrible. I had to push myself today at work. I'd had enough. My brain had had enough but I still had to think and it took so much out of me just to do that.

Nearly over.

And we danced into the fire.... well it was damn hot on the dancefloor


I love mirrorballs. <3


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Hound dog with his stinky Magilla


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I'm going to summer school!

Well, from my loungeroom at least.

I was almost going to ensure a surefire fail semester 1 2012 by enrolling in the equivalent of 3 subjects but decided to play smart (not safe, smart) and just do my double weighted subject. Phew.

Looking forward to it. That means a 3 week break in October and full steam ahead to the end of January 2012. Then it all begins again in mid February.

Thank fuck I have 3 holidays planned in the next 9 months. I'll need my 2 weeks in Croatia by June!!



- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Weekendness-

Being told I look the best/healthiest that I ever have (note low thyroid levels)

Had an awesome time at HoR. Especially when I danced like a Fucktard just because I could.

A friends friend having a crush on me (naw cute).

Ran into an old friend from Abyss days - I think he proposed? We danced to the Ramones. Apparently he always liked me because he thought I was always 'real'. Um ok. I'm just me.

Eating delicious lasagna at Pellegrini's.

Work drinks. It was like a private party but at work.

Going out for a quiet night that didn't end up quiet and being glad for it.

Saw Red Dog and sooked in sync with my friend. Really good film. Josh Lucas is hot to trot. Glad I didn't bail.

Felt loved and a bit like me again.

I'm slowly getting there.

Awesome friends. Truly blessed.

Love.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I want to go snorkelling again! I just don't recommend putting your head underneath your body to watch where the fish swim away to.... salt water intake is gagingly unpleasant. Trying to catch the fish as they swim past is fun though... it made me laugh.

Utter bliss in my little 'pod' with the pool behind me and the beach in front.

This is the Spa pool. My room was just behind the big hut - literally 5 steps away from the pool. Bliss!

Pretty green waters. I got to swim around here.

yeah so the colour is bland but it was so nice being in the water. Floating around saying 'weeee' over and over like a child.

Still so tired.

Had a really good day today.

I even usurped the boss today. Yep we got a new file in which indicated that another firm was doing a recovery (recovery means the VWA seek to recover $ they've paid from a third party who may also be liable). The boss didn't think there should be a recovery and couldn't see who else would be responsible. In my initial notes of reading the file I'd made a note as to recovery and who I thought was responsible. Turns out I was right! I called the recovery firm and got the info from them which confirmed what I initially thought. I felt really good about it. Like I'd achieved something.

Hound dog watching bears on animal planet.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Ive decided that every weekend the weather is hot I'm taking off down the coast. Just me, my tent, the sun and the water.

I have an intense craving to be by and in the sea.

I'm setting up a plan whereby I'm going to maximize my work with uni and travel. I'll rotate every other year and do summer school to finish uni quicker. I want to save enough to have enough time off once it's all finished and in between still travel. Beach locations are go in between European exploration.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I want to be back here. Please.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Jellyfish sting 2 weeks on. I put vinegar on it last night. The welts have gone down and it hasn't itched today. Still looks nasty.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I'm sincerely hoping my 'sleeping beauty' days are not returning. I was so tired this morning. I was up at 7.50am to get the car serviced at 8.30am. I got home just before 12 noon and went back to bed. I got up at 7.30pm. I still feel tired. A whole day of study lost. I can't even try now because nothing will sink in because I'm still tired. Great.

My levels were low went I went to the endocrinologist for a check up. I've upped my intake (quite a lot) and I still feel tired. I also haven't lost any weight despite not eating properly (not deliberately) for weeks. I cannot be tired. I have a life to live. Plus I've made simple stupid mistakes at work - brain not functioning properly. Short term memory loss starting to show.

My jellyfish sting on my left knee is still itchy! Plus it's red and bubbled up. It's always cool to have scars and so forth but I'm sure about this. Itchy after two weeks plus still red and bubbled up. Doesn't sound right or look right to me.

I'm thirsty.

One thing I learnt today: Patience. Just grit my teeth and bear (spl?) it. Transcend. As frustrating and annoying as something is for me, I'm sure it's the same for the other person.

What I did today:

Arranged my first s134AB(12) conference for the defendant! Yay. Piece of piss.

'Networked' with one of the partners.

Told the boss my intention of meeting two VWA heads when they are next at the office as I've had prior dealings with them but never met them. I'm sure they think I'm mad but things like that are very important to me.

Told the young lawyer I work for (who's been there since Feb) he's done really well to get a mention of good performance by the Authority in their end year review.

Ate two mini cupcakes at afternoon tea - the passionfruit one was better than the chocolate one.

Realised I've made some really good contacts and friends/colleagues at M. I'm having lunch with Natasha in a few weeks who I highly respect and admire. Jordan emailed me to say the place isn't the same without me (hahah that would be my potty mouth!) and the cordial I left is absolutely foul! Naw, made me smile. He has the best humour and is such good value.

I've also got my first 120 day response to send out tomorrow. Yay. No really, that is exciting to me. Although we're rejecting the SI so maybe not that exciting. Wait and see if the plaintiff issues an OM (that's Originating Motion). It means 'I have a serious injury and whilst my employer/their insurer/VWA don't think I do, I'd like the Court to determine that I do, thanks'.

Lots to learn and get my head around.

Today was a day where I was ready to pack it all in. You know where you just want to sit there and cry, because all of a sudden it all seems to be too much? I had that. I thought I was never going to get it and that ultimately, what the hell was I thinking? I actually wanted to do this? This would be a good career move for me? This isn't what I want to do.

I tried so hard to push through it all, when all I wanted to do was fall in a heap and cry my heart out. Cry my heart out is what I did the second I got in my car. But I pushed through before that - I pushed through the barrier. I also finally 'got' the difference between a third party and a joint tortfeasor. Simple really but it took me 7 days to get there. Phew.

What did excite me today (momentarily) was asking a guy at work about a photo of a bear he has in his office. That lead to me being led to a wall of photos of bears and his story about traveling to Alaska and watching the bears on a permit which is really hard to get. I was so excited by this I'm going to start entering the 'lottery' for the permit in 2 years time and see how I go. I love bears. Love them. Seeing them in the wild is also on my 'to do list'. The shit thing (or limited thing I should say) about uni is that I can only travel in June for a 2-3 week period at max, otherwise my traveling is restricted to Oct-Feb every year. Bears will be in hibernation by then. But if I get a chance to see them, whoosh I'll be off!

My grand plan is to take 3 months off after uni which isn't even that long really. I'd love to have a 'gap' year even though I'll be 40/41 when uni finishes. So what. I'm making my list of places I must visit. Even if it's 2 weeks every year somewhere. It's better than nowhere.

My must do list so far without being refined:

Russia and Ukraine - possibly with Siberia and Kamchatka bear viewing

Mongolia

Patagonia (OMG OMG I MUST GO HERE)

Chile/Argentina/maybe Brazil

Peru

Prague (I definitely want to go back)

Hungary, possibly Poland

Romania (I must go back, I loved it there).

Italy!!!! Hound dog and I are going to move there when I've finished uni!

Spain - definitely explore more of this beautiful country.

Also - Israel, Jordan, Egypt. I could go back to Istanbul it's so magical.

Next year will be Dubrovnik, albeit for 2 weeks. I'll either try for a trip the following year or save up for a longer trip the year after. I want to travel at least once every two years. It's the one main important goal in my life. The next main trip I want to do will either be Russia and Ukraine or Patagonia. They're my top 2.

Is this ever going to end? If so, when? Or am I holding onto it because I'm afraid of what's on the other side? This feels like an eternity of misery.

I told hound dog last night we're moving to Italy. I don't think he minds.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Still sick. It's been a week. Stayed in all weekend. Need a nap.

Whilst one can never plan ahead as who knows what life will throw at you I'm going to make a list of places I want to visit as a priority and set about aiming to achieve that. I've decided that when I finish my degree I want to take a few months off - 2-3 (preferably 3) and travel. That's my long term goal.

Just when I've been feeling completely unloved and uncared for I check FB one last time before beddy byes and have a message from an ex work colleague asking me how the new job is going. Naww, thank you! I'll respond when less tired.

The new employment is going well. The support staff have been fantastic as have the lawyers of which faces I recall. There's a lot to learn and new processes I'm unfamiliar with but I don't envisage any of it to be a problem or difficult. My new 'boss' is awesome and agreeable to me altering a few things to make life for us a bit easier which is great. The culture and dynamics are so different to my last place - in such a positive way.

Finished and submitted assignment. I really really hope I get a credit for it. It's not distinction material by any standards. If I had 5,000 words to play with and more time to read everything and do the assignment then I might be able to squeeze a D in, or at least a high Credit. But alas, I again had to cut words. And 173 may not seem like a lot.... but it is. Fingers crossed. If I get 65% or more I'll be rapted.

Loving ''The Story of Edgar Sawtelle'. You must be a dog person to love the book and also understand or have an appreciation or tolerance for dog training as there's quite a bit of it in the book that I wasn't aware would be in it prior to reading it. Having a family background in dog training I'm loving it. Others might find it mighty boring and repetitive.

Friday tomorrow!!! New starter drinks (oh that's me!) after workies then home to hopefully not fall asleep on the couch before footy ends on the tele.

Two late nights in a row - as in 1am last night and now it's 12.23am. Must go. Goodnight.

I could live anywhere in the world (well, maybe not in a prison or in destitute poverty) on my own.... as long as I have hound dog with me.

My ride to where the plane is is due to arrive in 3 hours. I have not packed. I feel like crap and just want to sit in front of the heater and not move. Hound dog is no longer here. I just want to sleep and not wake up until everything crap is gone. I'm still miserable. I hope that by the time I arrive at my destination tomorrow I'll be more sprightly.

I know I'm letting a few people down at the moment but I don't have it in me right now to be there. I'm sorry. It's selfish I know.

Maybe I should make an effort to pack. I just want some motivation.

I'm also quite pissed that I'm still waiting on my assignment results. We got told Monday that we should know by Friday afternoon AT THE LATEST. Well, I'm one of 7 students STILL WAITING for their results on a Saturday. I submitted mine a day early and I'm one of the last to find out. It's a fucking joke and it pisses me off. They did this to me with my final exam and everyone else knew how they went and I had to agonise over a weekend thinking I'd failed because they couldn't post my mark on time so it came up as a Fail. Doesn't make me feel any better. I've been looking forward to getting my mark all week and most likely I won't know until I'm in another fucking country. Not good enough.

This is really sad but I'm a little excited to read all the journal articles I researched for my assignment. I still have to do a shit load of reading in order to sort out what I'm going to write about.... I have 2.5 weeks which really is nothing considering I'm out 2 nights of the next 3 and then I fly out Sat night. A holiday in the sun doing an assignment on equitable estoppel and economic analysis in contract law! Awesome. It's a bit geeky that I actually like this subject. Really it's just common sense (derr).

________________________________

Everyone today at work was so nice. I'm petrified of water works on Friday. I'm really not ready to leave but I know that I am leaving for the right (career) reason and not because I just want to get out of the place quick smart. It's a career move and leaving behind everyone I've become friends with and have all those little social interactions with is the hardest part. I hold onto a lot of things and I need to stand stall and walk forward on my own.

And no, I'm not excited about leaving, I'm not excited about my holiday, I'm not excited about starting a new job. I just take one day at a time. It's too hard right now for me to get excited about anything. Am I looking forward to positive things happening in my life? Yes.

I look forward to the day I no longer think of you nor cry over you. Loving you hurts me too much.

________________________________

The Kennedy Detail

So damn sad. So sad and heartbreaking.

Look at how pretty they are!

It's a moose ring!


This gorgeous silver bird was bargain of the day at $2





Ouuuwwwwwllll



Posted from the depths of my mind.

Eeep! I'm so naughty! My super awesome saving plan went out the window this month.....

1 plane ticket to Dubrovnik for June 2012 purchased for $500. Check.

Some really nice ware for summer outtings and work purchased. Check. (Only one black item purchased all day.... a snazzy sexy 'batman' cardigan)

Some super cheap and awesome jewellery purchased to go with new summer ware. Check.

Check out my super cute new summer hat. I'm taking it to Thailand with me. $12. Bargain.

Oh and there's this bookshop that has books for $5 each! So I grabbed these:

The Golden Mean and The Street Philosopher have been on my 'wish list' for ages. Super happy to get them brand new for $5 each.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Things from today:

Work drinks were just what I needed.

Saying goodbye to B was hard..... she's been so great and lovely and she's just so cute and I adore her. I'll miss her heaps. I know I'll be friends with her outside of work.

Realising that I've met some really wonderful people at work that I really don't want to leave. I'm really afraid I'm going to cry when I leave. Almost sure of it.

War is a really horrible thing. Broken down it's just men killing other men. I'm reading a novel on a battle at Gettysburg during the civil war. It's from both sides - completely partial. It makes me want to learn more about the American civil war. American history of which I know nothing.

Do women really think it's empowering having themselves photographed almost naked for the internet or to get a start in modelling? I am no prude and I'm quite happy to look at (photos of) naked women but really...... what is with this craze of young women, mostly tattooed, getting their gear off and posing around with their breasts firmly (no pun intended) on display? Oh yes there's the argument that they are comfortable with their sexuality and blah blah. What I say is take the photo again with your clothes ON and see what the difference is. Is it really necessary that in order to get a leg up a woman needs to de-robe? Is it sexier if they are flashing their arse through see-through panties and their hands over their boobs and oooopppss now I'm showing my boobs but I'm pretty and have great makeup and hair and oooohhh aren't I sexy? Gosh it makes me want to rush out and do a photoshoot barely clad so I can join the club and be a super cool internet babe where my photo gets shared around and men and women alike can ooh and ahh over me. It's so pedestrian it's boring.

It's late. I'm tired. Another evening of no study but I did finally manage to finish the chapter on estoppel. Yay! I have two more weeks of readings to complete by this Sunday and then I aim to start my next assignment. I'm petrified of what my marks are going to be in this subject. Especially the final exam.

_____________________

Today I learnt tolerance. Tolerance of myself to not get upset or angry. I said to myself 'just let it go'. I thought I was being attacked personally and perhaps I was.... but I just let it go. I let it wash off over me and be gone. I was proud of myself for doing that.

____________________

It also looks like I've got a buddy for next June!!! I'm so excited. I know it's a whole year away but it's something I can really look forward to and be with someone who has a more outgoing personality than mine that I can learn from and go outside my comfort zone with. If it all goes ahead it'll be so much fun.

___________________

I'm also a little angry but again, it's something I have to let go. I'm not a little angry, but more than a little. I just feel like shit and I don't understand but again, I just have to walk away. Not try and make sense of it.... not ask why.... not chase.... just..... leave. Hold my head up high instead of head down eyes to the ground (which is how I feel). Dejected, rejected, not worth it.

__________________

Oh yeah that tiredness thing..... that would be the iron and Vitamin D deficiency plus low thyroid levels AGAIN. Yay to me. No wonder I've been so blegh for the past 6 weeks.

Trying really really hard to let it go.

DBV 06-12. I can wait. I'm a bit scared actually. That I was too hasty. Stuff it. It's my life and I wait for no-one.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/world/silver-medal-olympic-aerial-skier-jeret-speedy-peterson-found-dead/story-e6frf7lf-1226102838046

This is incredibly sad. I hope he is in a better place and not hurting anymore. I know a lot of people say it's selfish for people to kill themselves, and I've never experienced losing someone by their own hand. I certainly don't want to be seen to be cold or uncaring or insensitive but this guy was clearly suffering and in a lot of pain emotionally and mentally. It takes a lot of courage I think to actually do the final act. It would be a very very dark place that someone would be in to do that in the majority of cases. I'm not sure that anyone could actually understand how dark that place is/was to understand or comprehend why someone would end their life.

Unfortunately some people can't get past that pain. It's incredibly saddening and heartbreaking - for the person themselves and their family and friends. Some people are lucky 'happy people' and others, just aren't as lucky in that area and have to work really hard at achieving that 'natural state'. I'm sad that this man died. I didn't know him, hadn't heard of him at all. But his pain, and not being able to overcome it is incredibly devastating.

Whatever you think is unfair in your life, or that you are being hard done by or why doesn't 'this' or 'that' ever happen to you?..... just think about what you do have. Feel lucky that you are lucky enough to be here on this planet, with all its human flaws and human achievements. Lucky enough that you have enough strength inside you to get up and walk out into the world when so many find that simple act of getting out of bed so difficult and debilitating.

I'm sad this man died. I'm happy that he has found his peace and will no longer suffer.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Make this god awful headache go away.... Please! Why is it more severe now? It's night time.

Having some chicken soup I made and watching Falling Skies. Then beddie byes.









- Posted from the depths of my mind.

It's rather warm today. Especially when you wear numerous layers and have hot yummy miso soup by the yarra.

Feeling a bit better but still thinking I'm behaving like an asshole. Why do I feel guilty for someone else's childish behavior!

I also know I place more expectations on someone than I do for other friends.

I'm trying I really am. I'm trying to get through this. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to love myself more. I wonder if I'm a fake sometimes. That I'm still hiding my fears - hiding part of myself because I'm so damned scared that if someone finds the real me....

I don't know. I can only do the best I can. I'm lonely. I just want comfort. I think that's what I've needed for a really long time.

Having said that I am really looking forward to my week away. So much!


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

I'm not sure whether my dog is lonely or if he's trying to make me feel less lonely.

Miserable again.

Angry.

Feel ..... like you just don't give a shit.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

As an aside for today.... I'm seriously over the one person effort. Two people are required to make an effort, not one. You really care? You don't show it.

Bye.

- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Apparently what I need is satisfaction. What I do need is not to feel like this - or have moments of feeling like this. I guess I did good. I went for almost a week..... and then..... the truth hurts doesn't it? Yes, especially when it's my own truth. What I fear. The one thing I don't know if I'll be able to conquer.... unless I get an opportunity to try to conquer it. It scares the absolute everything out of me. It's my whole core being.....

_____________________

I've been so incredibly horrible lately. I despise myself when I'm like this. It's so unbecoming and ugly.

Sometimes it takes a situation of leaving to realise how much your very presence actually has on someone. I'm not sure that we as human beings really tell those we care about how much they do mean to us. A simple hi, how you doing? may seem like a waste of time but it can mean so much to someone who may be going through some hard times that you didn't even know about... one simple little caring message can mean the difference.

______________________

I've booked myself a short holiday. I'm not running away from anything. I just need a break and I need to do it alone.

R-dog and Bear in the Big Blue House. Bear used to dance and do the cha cha cha..... but has since retired from injury due to being in R-dogs mouth.




- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Which way to go

I have absolutely nothing to complain about or whine about or anything... my life is, really, awesome.

But I don't have you. I don't have the comfort I need, from you.

I'm torn in two right now. My head says WALK AWAY... NOW! and my heart is holding on as if I've been flung over the edge of a cliff and I'm holding onto a weed with all my strength that is allowing me to hold on.....

I'm miserable. Fucking miserable. I have been for... well this will be my third week in a row. Yay!

I'm sick of crying. Crying doesn't solve the problem. I should walk. I can only get through this if I walk. If I stay.... I'm just hurting myself over and over and over. If I could only be strong enough to get through it and be tough without hurting. How do you be friends with someone you are in love with? How is that possible? Can I see you and not want to kiss you or hold your hand or just wish you'd put your arm around me. Wish that when we said goodbye it wasn't a kiss on the cheek and a 'speak to you soon'. How do I not think about who it is you are seeing and who it is you may be sleeping with that isn't me?

It's not all about my heart. That yearning, aching feeling in my heart. It's what goes on in my head. Those thoughts that are so damaging and upsetting. Because you will be with someone else sooner than later. It won't be me and I don't think I can cope with that. Or pretend smile like thats' great you met someone.... to be with.... when you say you can't be with me.... It fucking sucks alright. I don't think you understand that part. Of course you want to be friends. I'm awesome and you know it and you don't want to lose that. You want to have your cake and eat it too.

But what do I get? Huh? Explain to me what I gain out of this?

I don't gain anything. I just lose. It hurts like hell whichever way I choose to go. I'm stuck in limbo, hurting. Do you hurt? For me?

Homemade minestrone soup made my me! My first ever minestrone too. So yum!


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

What to do what to do

A lot of thoughts are still going backwards and forwards and round and round in my head.

Last night was so incredibly upsetting. I thought I would of handled it better. Instead I fell apart. Completely.

Today I felt better. Now? Well now I'm just not sure I can do what I want to be able to do. I'm a heart girl not a head girl. I just don't know if I can. I want to try though. I'm just not sure, going in either direction, whether I will be able to open myself to the idea of anyone else. And that's even if I walk away. That's what is going to be the biggest challenge.


- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Today was a very bad day. I didn't cope well with it at all. I wanted to cry, scream, yell, kick, punch and destroy. I felt sadness, misery and a lot of anger mixed in. I was in one what I call a 'ropable' mood. basically stay out of my way lest you want my wrath. Looks could kill. Just leave me alone. Don't talk to me, don't ask me to do anything, just back away very slowly and then run for your dear life. It was just shithouse.

But I have the most wonderful friends. Rose without you I would be lost. You just get it and know what to say with your upfront honesty. I know you'll tell me straight how it is - how you see it to be. Samantha, my darling Samantha. You always support me even though I do things you tell me you'd prefer I didn't. Because you care. Rach, my best girl who has put up with me the longest. I can't tell you what's going on because my shit is just bullshit right now and is nothing compared to what you are going through. You just don't need my crap right now. Being able to speak to you tonight was the best thing. I miss you so much and you calmed me without even knowing what's wrong. Thank you for helping me when I needed it.

Lastly. Have you seen the moon tonight? Wherever you are in the world make sure you take a walk outside when it's dark and gaze up into the sky. You will see a crescent moon so bright with a soft shading of the whole moon filling it's circumference. Wow. If you are lucky enough to also have a black clear night sky the stars are almost close enough that if you reach real hard on tippy toes you might just be able to grab one. But don't hold on too long, remember to hold it in your palm long enough that you feel its touch and warmth and glow and then release it back for someone else to share in.

Whatever happens it will be ok.





- Posted from the depths of my mind.

Kate and Jamie

I love this photo. I think it's awesome all these young ladies were bridesmaids.

A three day reception. Hell yeah!

Check out the grooms shoes..... rock n' roll baby. Love it.

Wishing you both a loving, happy, fulfilling and long lasting marriage.

Minor football analysis

Magpies march on their merry way

July 3, 2011 - 5:03PM

Collingwood's Dane Swan gets his kick away despite pressure from Hawthorn's Kyle Cheney (left) and David Hale at the MCG. Photo: Sebastian Costanzo

COLLINGWOOD 4.4 8.7 13.10 15.16 (106)
HAWTHORN 0.4 2.4 6.6 9.11 (65)
Goals: Collingwood: T Cloke 3 D Jolly 2 L Brown 2 S Wellingham 2 A Fasolo B Reid D Thomas J Blair L Ball L Davis.Hawthorn: L Breust 2 S Mitchell 2 B Whitecross D Hale L Franklin L Shiels P Puopolo.
Umpires: C Donlon, S Meredith, S Jeffery.
Crowd: 83,985 at MCG.

Collingwood crushed top-four rival Hawthorn by 41 points in a powerful display in their round-15 clash at the MCG today.

The injury-hit Hawks kicked only two goals in the first half as the second-placed Magpies eventually won 15.16 (106) to 9.11 (65) in front of 83,985 fans.

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Collingwood beats undermanned Hawthorn

Collingwood's Harry O'Brien gives Hawthorn's Lance Franklin the slip at the MCG.Photo: Sebastian Costanzo

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Star forward Lance Franklin contributed one goal and was sent to an onball role before limping off with an ankle injury in the last quarter in a bitter blow for the Hawks.

Midfielders Scott Pendlebury, Dane Swan and Dale Thomas ran riot for the defending premier, which improved its win-loss record to 12-1, while the fourth-placed Hawks suffered their fourth loss in 14 games.

Travis Cloke kicked three goals for the Magpies.

Hawks skipper Luke Hodge was best-afield in defence with 40 possessions in a losing side.

Hawthorn's short-kicking game plan failed to produce a first-quarter goal against Collingwood’s defensive press as the Magpies grabbed a 24-point lead at the first break.

The Hawks were panicked into making poor decisions going into attack again in the second term.

Collingwood added another four goals, including Sharrod Wellingham’s effort after the siren, to lead 8.7 (55) to 2.4 (16) at half-time.

Hawthorn's two-goal tally was their lowest half-time score for 2011 and its final score was the first time the Hawks had failed to kick 10 goals in a match this season.

The Hawks brought on substitute player Clinton Young in the third term for Chance Bateman (ankle injury).

Tall defenders Jordan Lisle and Josh Gibson were both taken from the field looking groggy after suffering friendly fire from Hawthorn teammates, although Gibson soon returned with a bruised eye.

Collingwood led by 59 points late in the third term before two Hawthorn goals cut the margin to 46 points at three-quarter time.

As the tempo of the match slowed in the final term, the Magpies added another 2.6 to the brave Hawks' 3.5.

Hawthorn missed its tall defenders, with Ryan Schoenmakers, Stephen Gilham and Ben Stratton on the injured list.

Forwards Cyril Rioli and Jarryd Roughead, midfielder Brad Sewell and the suspended Jordan Lewis were also unavailable.

The Hawks host Brisbane in Launceston on Saturday and the Magpies face North Melbourne at the MCG next Sunday

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Geez the media shit me. Let's talk Hawthorn up shall we? They were woeful. Top 4? Pah! They were useless. Their 'short kicking' plan.... for a losing side they had way more possessions than the winning team. I think that needs to be discussed. It needs to be highlighted. Who is coaching this mob. Hey boys, just make sure you use the ball a lot, get a lot of possessions and that'll mean we win. Um no Clarkey. No. Hawks for the past X years have always overused the ball. Does no-one else pick this up? Handball, handball, handball, oh short kick. Learn how to play the game FFS. You need to KICK LONG. They don't because they don't create enough space.... hence their high possession tally. Or the plan of going sideways... I reckon they racked up about 10 possessions just going sideways. This didn't gain them any ground at all, just 10 possessions for going 15 metres sideways and then across the field sideways again. Well done. Great work. (note sarcasm).

Luke Hodge best afield... don't irritate me. The reason he got 40 touches (quality too I'm sure) is because of the amount of time the ball was in Hawthorn's defence. I'm sure his disposals were only limited to inside their defensive 50 - as in where his disposals went did not exceed breaking through the 50 meter barrier). It's easy to get 40 touches when the ball is always in your area. It's not rocket science. It certainly does not make him 'best afield' just because he got 40 touches. And how exactly could he be 'best afield' when he's in defence and the opposition kick 15 goals on your team? Um.... not really doing a great job of it is he? Mmmmm no.

Also, The Age writer person you forgot to mention Jaryd Blair who was outstanding across ground and my second B.O.G. He was everywhere and fantastic. Ben Reid in Pies defence.... I'll give you 3rd best Reidy you were great.

B.O.G. There is only one man. Travis Cloke. Sure he kicked 3 goals... but his marking (during the 4th stats were 8 marks, 8 kicks (3 goals, not bad from 8 kicks), his chasing, his tackling... second to none. He was outstanding. He is outstanding. Not to mention he had at least 5 inside 50's to top off his 3 goals. I have no-idea what his goal assists were.

I'm saying it now. Travis Cloke is THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER AT COLLINGWOOD. Not Pendlebury, Not DT, Not Swan. Travis Cloke. He is the key. He is No. 1.

But oh yes, the Hawks were depleted by injury. No the Hawks were terribly average. They had Mitchell, Hodge and Buddy. Whoever that 9 is for them.. he had a lot of the ball. He was very useful today. More useful that Buddy. Go for a hard ball sunshine, you might get a touch. They have a long way to go to be Top 4 material. The difference between the Top 2 and the remaining 2 to make the Top 4 is quite noticeable. There is a noticeable gap between 3 and 4 compared to 1 and 2.

I'm a bit sad that we are at Round 15 already. It's gone so quick.

Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/afl/afl-news/magpies-march-on-their-merry-way-20110703-1gx0p.html#ixzz1R1yT38Lf