If you're not shaking your hips there's something wrong with you

When I got my computer I set about compiling the ultimate music library collection. I researched pages and pages of websites of the top 100 artists and albums and made a list. I'm nowhere obtaining or achieving this collection. It will be a lifetimes work in the process. One album that kept coming up was The Rolling Stones - Exile on Main Street. Sure I knew the Stones. Oh ok I'll get the album. So I did. It blew me away. Totally blew me away. They were like my newest favourite band. The album was on constant rotation. I loved it. So many songs that I love. One of my favourites is the below. If it's playing while I'm cooking dinner.... well dinner gets postponed while I dance around my kitchen and lounge room to this. Yes it's a cover but it's an awesome one. The video is yawn but the video of them in France doing this just isn't up tempo enough for me. This is.

Because I'm Worth It

Today was exhausting. I have managed to acquire a head cold right before I leave. It started yesterday. I'm pretty sure it's from the 4 degree night we had on Monday or Sunday? Breathing in all that cold air in my sleep has made me sick. Grrr. So working a 10 hour day today with 1/2 hour lunch and not really eating a lot and working my arse off will make me worse by tomorrow.

Everyone at work was fantastic. I got hugs and faux cheek kisses and lots of well wishes which was really lovely. I guess I don't really realise the effect I do have on people and the friendships I have made at work. Oh but I'm so happy to be outta there for a whole month!

What was surprising was that I received my 'envelope' today. The 'envelope' is my pay rise. I was expecting one and I wanted a certain amount. Surprisingly, my expectation was exceeded. Do I now feel bad for all my bitching, whinging and moaning of oh the last 8 plus months? Nope. Because I'm worth it. And you know what the first thing I thought of when I worked out the figures.... how much I can save for university fees and books next year... LAME!

All I ever do is sacrifice and save. Sacrifice and save. Every year it's always something to save for. 2004 was my car. 2005/2006 was my trip to Eastern Europe. 2006/2007 was spent trying to pay off the debt I got in after I bought my laptop and then Buckley died and I had a $2,300 vet bill on top of my $2,000 odd laptop.... and $80 a week left over after my mortgage and all cost of living/bills to try and pay off my credit card. I got nowhere. So new job in 2008 came with a substantial pay rise and the responsibility of paying back mum and Peter the loan they gave me to pay off my credit card. That got paid in April last year, then in June last year I started saving for this trip that was meant to be 6 weeks in March next year. And now I want to start saving as soon as I get back for Uni. And possibly for a Russian trip in between Uni semesters????

I grew up in a privileged white, European middle class background (Dad is a Pom and came here when he was 14 and grew up in Williamstown. Mum came here when she was 3, lived in a hostel in St Kilda before the old man (ie my grandfather) moved them to Preston. Mum was born in Germany but is of Ukranian decent. My name in Ukranian is Natalka). My parents both worked. They didn't have much of a social life (very sad I know) so what they earned they socked away in the bank. I learned from a very young age that you work hard, you save your money, you sacrifice some things and then you can learn the value of money and appreciate what you have more because of the hard work that has gone into the reward at the end of it.

I hate being in debt. I hate it. So I want to reduce the amount of HECS I will have to pay back if I do my law degree. That means paying some of my Uni fees up front each semester. I want to try to pay half up front each year. That's probably going to be at least $2K - $2.5K let alone the cost of books. But it's something I really want to do and I'm finally ready to do it. I can't wait for it to begin. I'm really excited and I really want to learn and gain new knowledge and challenge myself. What I love so much about the law is that it makes you question things, it makes you think. It makes you go beyond the obvious and ask questions. And I love that. Yeah but why?

A Song For You - not a love song or dedication

I was listening to Elton John on the way home. I used to always think Phil Collins was way better than Elton. That drum part in 'In The Air Tonight'... shivers, I love that. But Elton wins hands down over the little drummer boy. I was going to post I'm Still Standing, or Goodbye Yellow Brick Road or Daniel or Me First and the Gimme Gimme's version of Rocket Man... but chose this instead. It made me smile the most. It's a dedication to my friends, not a love song and dedication, just a song because you're all super awesome in your own special way to me (blegh emo emo emo shoot it down!). So, if any of you read this, here's my song for YOU.

Words by Elton John and Bernie Taupin

YOUR SONG

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever see

Today was stressful but it was a really good day.

Work sux balls. Actually I think it's just the whole PA thing that I'm over with. And the actual work that I do. I want to think again, I want to learn, I want to be challenged, I want to question things. If I'm not challenged I get bored very easily. Although I am quite enjoying working with the people around me. I feel like I've become more part of the team over the last couple of months and that's important to me. But that won't keep me there.

I was told today that I should have notified X of me extending my leave to 30 July before X went on leave themselves a few weeks ago. Now X has to go back to R and request that the temp filling in for me be extended to 30 July. I advised X I did and emailed them before I went on leave. I then get told I should get out all of the files for the temp so they'll know where the files are to put the filing on them. My reply 'I don't have time for that. The files are in the lawyers' office, I'm sure the temp can go in there and open a cupboard door and find the files, or they can ask'. Probably a bit of a knee jerk reaction by me but I don't care. They're pissed because I gave them 4 weeks notice and not 6 months so they can organise relief in my absence. You know what, life doesn't work like that. My opportunity is now and I'm taking it. Why do I want to 'do right by the firm' when the firm isn't going to do right by me anytime soon. I learnt that after my exit from my last firm. I always did things to make things easier for THEM. I'd go to work sick because I didn't want to let anyone down. I felt GUILTY if I took a sick day even if I was sick. Not anymore. Sure I care, but at the end of the day no-one is going to take care of me but ME.

Rach called and I'm so happy and excited to be travelling with her. It'll be weird having someone there all the time - I'm so used to being alone. I've always travelled alone. But this time around I just didn't want to. I'm sick of it. Eating alone sucks. I hate it. It's also that thing of sharing an experience or a moment or just pure wonder and amazement at what is in front of you and I turn around and oh yeah, there's no one there to look at and know they see/think/feel the same thing or talk to about the day. I was lucky enough to meet Michelle on my Intrepid trip through Budapest, Romania (oh I could go on about Romania for hours), Bulgaria (go see the Bears!!!, it's about the most rewarding thing in Bulgaria) and Istanbul (how I love Istanbul). We clicked and hit it off straight away. She has the most fantastic humour, is intelligent (she's a doctor! she does cancer stuff), creative, imaginative, well travelled, loves her super nice clothes and boots, and the best to travel with. She's down to earth and just wonderful and without her I wouldn't have enjoyed the trip so much. The first night we shared a room it was in Romania at a housestay. We had to share a bed together. We barely knew each other. I thought we'd been asleep for about 5 minutes (I take forever to get to sleep generally) and I heard the rain pouring down outside. I got very excited and sat up, looked outside and proclaimed rather loudly in excitement 'It's raining!'. We'd been asleep for an hour, or Shell had at least. I woke her up. Thankfully she never held it against me and it became one of our running jokes on the trip. Want a chocolate biscuit? No. Want a carrot? No thanks. Want a chocolate biscuit?

So going with Rach will be awesome. We're pretty much on the same page and like the same things. I'm the more organised/planning type of the two of us and she's more laid back, yeah whatever go with the flow. I've been taking on her way of things with respect to this trip and feeling very relaxed about the whole thing. Nothing is planned, aside from our flights and where we're staying. I just want to absorb. And lick the dirt and pollution and sand off the Colosseum's walls. It's always been my dream to see the Colosseum. I don't know where this came from, it's just always been there. I'm scared I might be disappointed because I want to see it for real so badly. That the reality won't be as wonderful as the dream. And I don't live in reality, I never have. My world is a dream world. So I'm not thinking about it. Until it's there right in front of me. We think that the underground section where the slaves were kept for fighting and where the animals were housed before being hoisted up on the arena will be opened to the public for the first time when we're there. That is so damn exciting. And I want to see the catacombs. That's my two things for Rome. Everything else will be a bonus. And the Vatican. I'm not religious in any way but I do have a fascination with it and the history of it all. And the art. Don't forget the art. Oh my goodness.... it will be art overload. I can't wait to just spend a day in the Louvre.... I want to see what other people don't bother to see. You can have your Mona Lisa and Venus de Milo.... take me somewhere else in there to get lost and admire and absorb and wonder and question... My aim is to obtain an original piece of art in each place we go to. At least Paris and Rome anyway.

Am I excited? No. I don't get excited until I'm there... maybe a little on the plane. It's not actually real until I'm at the other end. Walking out of the airport asking myself how do I get to the city? Which bus do I get on.... oh they don't speak English and I don't understand the money. That happened when I got to Praha. There was hardly anyone at the airport, I couldn't access money from my account so had to draw against my credit card (which wasn't an issue) and then I just jumped on whatever bus was sitting there after finally getting enough change for a ticket. The bus terminated at some stop I had no idea where I was. But I just followed people down to the train station and picked a train that went close enough to Wencelaus square. I got confused walking down a street trying to find my apartment and a lovely girl who spoke English helped me out. I've never needed anybody to hold my hand in life, I'm too stubborn and independent for that, but it'll be nice to have someone there that if I want to hold their hand, I can.

Rearviewmirror

So I was going to post 'Release' but have you actually read the lyrics.... too much father stuff. Got enough of that already thanks. So instead I will post the lyrics to my favourite Pearl Jam song.

I took a drive today
Time to emancipate
I guess it was the beatings made me wise
But I'm not about to give thanks or apologize
I couldn't breathe holdin' me down
Hand on my face kissin' the ground
Enmity gauged united by fear
'Posed to endure what I could not forgive...

I seem to look away
Wounds in the mirror waved
It wasn't my surface most defiled
Head at your feet fool to your crown
Fist on my plate, swallowed it down
Enmity gauged, united by fear
Tried to endure what I could not forgive

Saw things
Clearer
Once you, were in my...Rearview mirror...

I gather speed from you fucking with me
Once and for all I'm far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades...are raised...hey...

Saw things so much clearer
Once you, once you...
Rearview mirror

Saw things so much clearer
Once you...

Today was... well today was a good day.

It started freezing cold - 4 degrees. Despite the fact it was 2 degrees last week or the week before apparently it was 'colder' today. There was a thick layer of ice on the roof of my car and windscreen. Driving to the station there was a pinkish/purplish sunrise behind me. The sun was already starting to shine against a blue sky and the trees were golden topped in sunlight they looked like they'd been dipped in honey. So pretty.

Being school holidays I thought I'd be in luck and maybe I could get a seat. No. The fuckers had taken out more seats on this train so more people had to stand. Including me. Blegh.

By the time I got to work I was still smiley happy.... unusual.

For me it's the little things that matter most. It is the simple gestures that I really appreciate.

A work colleague that used to work in my dept but rotated out into another group emailed me to say they hadn't seen me in ages and perhaps we could catch up at Friday night drinks. Sure, that would be great but I'll be on a plane to Madrid then.... so we'll have lunch on Wednesday.

One of the secretaries in my group said we should have lunch before I go. That was so lovely. I really appreciated it.

Pizza was great. And just talking about where I'm at and what I'm planning on doing - being open and honest about it with my friends, (which I didn't think I would tell anyone), and having their support is really great. There is no way that 3 years ago I would have opened myself up like I do now. They know I'm not perfect, they know my weaknesses and my fears and yet they still love me for who I am, flaws and awesomeness in one. They put up with my insecurities and my tears but then also my laughter, sillyness and happiness.

It's nice to belong.

And to be wrong.

Martha Reeves and the Vandellas - Nowhere To Run

Nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide

It's not love
I'm running from
It's the heartaches
That I know will come

'Cause I know
You're no good for me
But you`ve become
A part of me

Everywhere I go
Your face I see
Every step I take
You take with me, yeah

Nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide

I know you're
No good for me
But free of you
I'll never be, no

Each night as I sleep
Into my heart you creep
I wake up feeling sorry I met you
Hoping soon that I'll forget you

When I look in the mirror
And comb my hair
I see your face
Just a-smiling there

Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide

I know you're
No good for me
But you've become
A part of me

How can I fight a lover
That's sugar sweet
When it's so deep, so deep
Deep inside of me

My love reaches so high
I can't get over it
It's so wide
I can't get around it, no

Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
From you, baby
Just can't get away
No matter how I try

I know you're no good for me
But free of you I'll never be

Nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to run
Got nowhere to run

If I'm going to use this thing I shouldn't delete posts. Kinda defeats the purpose doesn't it.

My reason for deletion - constant change of mind. I'm just a contradiction. I say one thing, then do the opposite. I think one thing one day then change my mind the next. Just because I have one bad day and the next day is different... I change my mind.

Like my dad. This whole week has been 'I have to deal with this'. Today I can't be bothered. I don't want to. What's the point? The point is I need to and I can't move on until I do. I've never dealt with what happened at all. NEVER. That's actually 22 years worth.

I remember the day it happened. It was Sunday. We'd had a bbq at our house the day before and my parents friends had come over. The next day dad was off at dog school being an instructor. Mum was downstairs cleaning up doing the dishes. I found her crying. Dad had been seeing someone else. He wanted to make a go of it with this other woman. It was late January 1989. I was 12 turning 13 in March. My father was everything to me. I put him on a pedestal and wanted to be just like him when I grew up. Dad was a photographer, I love photography. Dad loves cars, I took an interest in cars. Dad loved German Shepherds, I've had two myself. Dad would have ice cream in a cone, so would I. Dad drove fast.... I drive fast. I would rather be on the roof with dad than be domestic and help my mother clean. I was always outside with dad building fires, cooking jacket potatoes, shifting sand, digging holes, being on top of the roof while he cleaned the gutters, listening to his ZZ Top, Deep Purple and Creedence vinyl records. Helping building whatever. I was not a girly girl at all. I was my father's daughter, but never daddy's little girl. I took after him, I have his grandmother's gypsy eyes.

But now. Who was this man now? I didn't want to see him. I didn't know what to say. It was my fault. It I was a better daughter, if I was smarter and a better student, if I wasn't such a brat sometimes... IF IF IF IF IF IF IF. It was my fault. I had a playroom. Being an only child and all. I remember when his car pulled up in the driveway I ran and hid in the playroom and closed the door. He eventually came in and I don't even remember if I said anything. I just stared at the floor in silence. That's all I remember about that day. Maybe I cried when he came in the room.

I didn't tell anybody about it. None of my friends knew. Not a soul. I kept a diary. I still have it somewhere. Nothing is written about that day. Nothing. About four to six months later I have a journal entry that says something like 'My parents are getting a divorce. Shit happens'. That's it.

So it's going to be dealt with when I get back. No more. It's time I took the bull by the horns and looked it straight in the eye and deal with whatever is staring back at me, no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts or how much I don't like what I see.

I don't want to run anymore. And that is such a good thing. It makes me smile.